Awesomely Luvvie

Dear Eddie Long, You’re a King? iRebuke It

Luvvie — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 22:22:56 +0000

Yesterday, I was alerted to the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard since… well the day before. Let me give you the cliffnotes on what happened.

This past Sunday, some Jewish Rabbi (or so he says) named Ralph Messer went to New Birth Missionary Baptist Church to crown Bishop Eddie Long as “King.” He used some ritual that he said the Jews use, involving what he claims to be this historical Torah Scroll to ordain Long as King. During the random ceremony, he wrapped Eddie and his wig into the Torah and covered him with “the blood of Jesus.” To cap it off, Eddie was made to sit in a chair and carried around the stage for all to behold.

Yes. This happened. And it is even more ridiculous than it sounds when you watch it, which you can below. So, this week’s sternly-worded letter goes to Bishop Eddie Long, he who does not know when to stop. The devil is clearly doing the wop at New Birth.

Dear Eddie Long,

You are not Simba and Ralph Messer is nobody’s Rafiki. You really had people declare you as king and carry your hapless ass around stage in some “Circle of Life” ceremony like a fool. You are a ridicule to any and every person who stands behind a pulpit and your ego is bigger than any sense you might have.

You managed to retain your title as the head of New Birth even after semi sorta maybe kinda admitting guilt in the sexual misconduct case involving 5 young men by settling out of court. Then you arrogantly addressed your congregation using the biggest batch of bullshit and they applauded you and blindly continued to support you. It’s a case of the blind, deaf and mute leading the blind, and it’s truly appalling.

Somehow, some of the has dust settled, but you clearly must love the attention. Now you’ve been crowned king by some diet Rabbi in a bad suit, and paraded around like the heir to a raggelly throne only you and him know about. That random ritual that has no basis in Judaism or anything else, according to this Huffington Post piece by a Jewish scholar. Ain’t no receipts to be shown. This was all a farce in the name of honor.

Seriously?

Eddie Long, you got the nerve, the balls and the unmitigated gall to position yourself as royalty, especially in the biblical sense. You’re a false prophet who has raised himself to be a false idol and preach false gospel to people looking for truth. And you should be ashamed of yourself.

I just need Jesus to know that I do not support this or your blasphemous ways. “Holy” men like you are why many of us frown on organized religion.In that Bible that you hold so near and dear and say you know so well, doesn’t it make it clear that false idols don’t make God happy? Wasn’t ~~Charlton Heston~~ Moses mad when he saw the Israelites worshipping idols of gold and silver when he came down from the mountain? Shoo… I’m sure the man wanted to take a nap and eat after his trek up that rock but he came back to see his people paying #amish to some steel God and he was NOT PLEASED! You’ve turned yourself into that, and Jesus ain’t gon be happy with that.

Through all of this, the people in your congregation stayed. Not only did they stay, but they stood on their feet and applauded this. No one questioned it and that’s the scary part. You’re not a shepherd or a man of God, but a cult leader. You’re Jim Jones of Jonestown (not the rapper) with extra melanin, a suit with many buttons, and a bad wig. You’ve created a community of brain-washed people who seem to have forgotten that they’re not actually supposed to be worshipping you. Basically, you’ve turned New Birth into your own Jonestown, and your poison of choice is idolatry.

My only KING is Christ, and He got hair of wool. Your hairhat, meanwhile, seems to be made of dust bunnies dyed black, and placed on your dome lackadaisically. Or those silver pot scrubbers dipped in tar. That wig is just A MESS! When you put it on, did you actually think it looked good? I’m sure you did. You seem to live in a fantasy world where you actually think you deserve worship and glorification. So of course, your wig is busted and you’re not aware of it.

Sir, you’re knee-deep in hypocrisy and shoulder-deep in proverbial self-fellating. I’d love if you’d get your head out your own yansh. Both you and that Ralph Messer character need to be dropkicked through the goalposts of logic. The only kind of king you are is the king of crooks and possibly king of older men with bad toupées. Besides that, NAWL!

Seriously. Shame on you Eddie Long. You’re great proof of everything that’s wrong with the church and you’re a gahtdamb disgrace.

Luvvie

Did y’all watch the video? Whatchu think?

Edit: Just read THIS ARTICLE saying that Ralph Messer isn’t even Jewish. As if this wasn’t already a huge mess. Messer is messy.

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How to Commemorate Black History Month

Luvvie — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:23:45 +0000

My peoples! It is officially Black History Month, the shortest, most afrocentric 29 days you will experience this year. So I’m here to let you know ways for you to commemorate it. Here are some I came up with:

* Be jealous of my avatar’s dashiki and kufi. Because you know you want one. AND Milli Vanilli braids, which complete the set. Y’all can sat up there and act like my ensemble ain’t giving you everything you need right now. (-__-) It has become my annual tradition to break out ‘Shiki Fierce in the month of February and I thoroughly enjoy her.

* Tell a fake Black intellectual to have a seat. You know? The people who are all “I don’t observe the month in any way because every month is Black History Month for me” types? Yeah those people. Direct them to a row of seats they can go occupy. \_ \_ \_ We don’t need their wack protest all in the name of pride.

* Tell anyone who doesn’t understand why the month is necessary to have a seat too. Like this belligerent dummy below.

* Read Brokey McPoverty’s Little Known Black History Facts blog. Every year, Brokey blesses us with these hilarious “facts” and I never get tired of them. Ever. Like: “Hermaline Cross: First person to tell the Lord to hold her mule.” LMAO! That site is gold!

* Buy Baratunde Thurston’s “How To Be Black.” In case you need a manual of instructions, or just knowledge of his intriguing upbringing, getchu a piece of Baratunde’s book. And I must say that I dig nerdy Black boys in glasses.

* Watch Season 1 of the Boondocks. We won’t talk about the abomination that was season 3 though. We SHALL NOT. Even better? Read the comic strips, which were awesomesauce.

* Teach a little kid about a Black historical figure that isn’t Malcolm X or Martin Luther King Jr. No shade to either of those icons, but Black history is bigger than them.

* Eat some goat meat. Because it’s delicious.

So yeah, these are just some ways. What are you doing to commemorate Black History Month?

Michelle Obama Loves Red Velvet and I Love She

Luvvie — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:25:07 +0000

As if FLOTUS Michelle Obama wasn’t already the bombest of the diggities. I watched a clip of the interview she did on Jay Leno last night and she was talmbout how her birthday just passed. Her mom and the kids decided to make her favorite cake: RED VELVET! Some of you already know of my obsession with everything red velvet. I even have a “Red Velvet Love” pinterest board.

YES MA’AM!!! My fandom just turned to standom. MICH-O is the homie!

Oh, and also, shoutout to the fact that she called “gorgeous.” Shelly O beter SAY THAT! My president is FAHNAH than sliced frog hair. I ain’t e’em lying. And he sings to her all the time with that voice we previewed when he was all “AHHHH I’m so in love with you!” Many women threw their bloomers at him from afar and I can’t even blame them. And Michelle talmbout ‎”He sings to me all the time. Al Green, Marvin Gaye, Stevie…” LISTEN! How they only have 2 children is beyond me because let that be me? I’ma just leave that here and walk away before I get myself in trouble.

The Obamas are everything. That is all. Carry on with your day.

Oh and this picture? LIFE.

Halle Berry and Gabe Aubry’s Sketch Artist is Hilariously Biased

Luvvie — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:00:37 +0000

Halle Berry is taking her baby daddy Gabe Aubry to court for a restraining order and to get full custody of Nahla or something like that. I haven’t kept track of the trial at all and I really don’t think I give any dambs. No shade.

But my girl Jen Wang of Disgrasian sent me the pictures below and I hollered. They’re from the court case going on and she took a picture of the coverage on the news. They’re of Halle and Gabe, but they’re clearly biased.

Halle looks gorgeous, even in 2D and with random shading. The chick is effortlessly fierce and the sketch brings out her eyes. YES MA’AM! You better BE FAHN. Shoo… as she gives fierce in that courtroom!

And then, I present to you the sketch of Gabe.

HA! Who is this stranger bish? It surely isn’t Gabe’s segzy self. The man who looks like this has been turned into some sort of shifty-eyed truck driver who snacks on chewing tobacco. I mean I know everyone can’t be as fine as Halle in a court sketch but Gabriel Aubry is super cute. Clearly, this sketch artist is on team Halle because he/she was all “Hmph. I know this dude ain’t shit and I will draw him accordingly.” iHoller every time I look at this picture because that doesn’t even look like Nahla’s daddy. The dude in this picture probably still rocks Von Dutch hats. Chile… iCan’t.

“Gabriel looks like a cross between tweaked out Johnny Depp, that dude from Lost, and Fu Manchu if he were a nasty hobo.” – Jen

She ain’t never lied. Too doggone funny!

Am I the only one who finds this hilarious?

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I Have So Many Questions About This Painting

Luvvie — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:00:54 +0000

Sooo I saw the following painting on Facebook when Sam (@blunted215) reposted it, after seeing it on someone’s page with the caption “I almost cried seeing this.”

I have so many questions about this painting.

* Why is Jesus behind ol’ boy looking like He has to go to the bathroom really badly? Is Jesus tryna stop dude’s high? Or is he tryna give him a massage and his shoulders are too tense? I am confused.

* How many vices and bad things could there be in one picture? It’s like an After School special gone wrong. We got liquor, cigarettes, a gun, cards (which I guess signify gambling), cocaine, heroin and a random skull. And homie’s hair is greasy. 7 Deadly Sins and then some. Maybe that’s why Jesus looks like He has a tummy ache.

* Whose handprint is on that door, and why is it there?

* Where’s Jesus’ left arm? I’m asking. For reasons.

* Did Tyrese paint this? I’d think so but he’da included MLK or Malcolm X somewhere in this pic. And they’d be looking onto the scene disapprovingly.

* The people who wanted to cry when they saw this pic. Was it because of how wack it is? It surely couldn’t be because this touched them. SURELY COULD NOT BE.

Sam thought this painting looked like the cover to a Hardy Boys mystery. He’s not wrong. This painting begs for a book about a misunderstood middle schooler. I don’t even understand what its’ tryna accomplish.

I just… do y’all have any answers for me?

My 10 Thoughts on the SAG Awards

Luvvie — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:00:22 +0000

Last night was the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards and here are my 10 thoughts on it.

* On the Red Carpet, Angelina Jolie was looking like she got dragged out the house. And her hair was all poofy like she forgot to flat-iron it. Or maybe when she left the house it was fine and her and Brad Pitt decided to get it in on the way there. Either way, I wish she’d stop looking like someone forced her to go places.

* I love how the SAG Awards began with various actors and actresses talmbout how they got started. Amber Riley was one of them, and I love her so because of GLEE.

* Christopher Plummer won his first SAG Award ever, and that’s really surprising. I thought Captain Von Trapp woulda had a jillion by now. That man is at least 326 yrs old and he is STILL working and walking upright. I respect him.

Pic from www.facebook.com/essence

* Shoutout to The Help for winning big. Octavia Spencer, Viola Davis and the cast won awards and I was hella pleased. Plus Viola’s grecian dress was GORGEOUS! She was up there looking like a tall glass of milk with fudge on top. Just beautiful! And I know folks are side-eyeing the movie for winning so many accolades but I really liked it. Yes, it has the “white savior” angle and all that but I enjoyed it. It rocked. And I might be in the minority of minorities who’ve watched this movie.

Found this quote by Viola Davis from the August 2011 issue of Essence she was on the cover on.

“Of course I had trepidations. Why do I have to play the mammy? But what do you do as an actor if one of the most multifaceted and rich roles you’ve ever been given is a maid in 1962 Mississippi? Do you not take the role because you feel like in some ways it’s not a good message to send to Black people? No. The message is the quality of the work. That is the greater message… As Black women, we’re always given these seemingly devastating experiences – experiences that could absolutely break us. But what the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly. What we do as Black women is take the worst situations and create from that point.” – Viola Davis

So yes, I’m happy for the success of these amazing actresses. Here’s to hoping that in the future, Black folks get recognized for playing some roles that aren’t steeped in stereotypes.

* Betty White, the matron saint of hilarious geriatrics won an award. And like always, I wanted to throw a prayer cloth on Betty. Y’all know she’s the only Golden Girl left and we need to put her in prayer because I need her to live a very long time. I LOVE HER! Glad to see her win.

* Zoe Saldana‘s #alphet wasn’t e’em cute. Afrobella said it looked like she was “wearing a wifebeater under a glittery, sheer poncho.” It was Givenchy but she shoulda given it back. Hehehe see what I did there?

* Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy came onstage and made me cackle with their Scorcese drinking game. Melissa was chugging Grey Goose like a G! Gotta love the cast of Bridesmaids.

* It was perfect for Dick Van Dyke to present Mary Tyler Moore with the SAG Lifetime Achievement Award. A fact that I found out during their homage to her was that the capri pants she used to wear on their show was limited to one scene per show because it was considered too hot. Talk about some strides! Mary’s a trailblazer for female comedians so I have hella respect for her.

* The “In Memoriam” portion of the show informed me that Bubba Smith died. I had NO clue! And if I did, I must have repressed it. Man, that’s sad. Now I feel like going to watch all the Police Academy movies

* Apparently, one of my tweets showed up on the SAG Awards telecast. I guess they were showing some tweets that used the #SAGAwards hashtag and mine was one of them. 5 or 6 people tweeted me about it but being the busybody that I am, I missed it. I wished someone woulda gotten a screenshot of it but oh well. Still cool!

Did you watch? Whatchu think?

Where Else on the Web is Luvvie San Diego?

Luvvie — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:00:24 +0000

I’ve been freelance writing for other publications for some months but I’ve done a bad job of letting you guys and gals know! So, I’ma start giving y’all a weekly roundup of links from other places I’ve appeared.

This week, I kicked off my column on Ebony Magazine online. It’s called “Keeping It Reality” and I recap some of your favorite reality TV shows a couple of times a week. Keeping It Reality: ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ Recap and ‘Love and Hip Hop’ Season Finale.

I also had my first piece up on UPTOWN Magazine’s website. Check out My 5 TV Guilty Pleasures. And getchu a piece of my piece on ClutchMagazine.com called “Positive” Black Cinema Doesn’t Always Mean “Good”.

Thanks for all your support so far! I’m spreading my wings so please take a look at my work elsewhere too! Getchu a piece of my other pieces, and comment if you’d like!

Whose Wendy’s Tattoo is This?

Luvvie — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 13:00:17 +0000

So I saw this pic and was like O_O

This is a tattoo.

This is why some people can’t have nice things. Unless you consider obesity and the diabeetus nice. One day, you decide that you want to get a permanent mark on your body. You don’t go with the usual cheesy stuff like the name of your mom. Or the girl you’re in love with now but are gonna break up with next week. Or a barbed wire. You know, the usual corny stuff. Nawl.

This fool went and got WENDY’S logo. A chain restaurant’s insignia is on someone’s body. Ain’t no frosty that damb good. NO MA’AM. NO GIRL. I don’t even understand. Is he/she tryna pay homage to their favorite restaurant? What is their motivation?

Y’all gotta talk to your cousins more often. WHOSE TATTOO IS THIS???

I Finally Started Watching “The Wire” and I’m Hooked

Luvvie — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:00:16 +0000

No, this post wasn’t written in 2003. I’m just tardy for the party as always. For a long time, folks have been telling me about the greatness that is The Wire. A slew of my favorite nerdy Black boys have even called it “the greatest TV show ever” unabashedly. Even the President of the United States, Barack Obama, said it’s his favorite show. I definitely shoulda paid more attention. But I hadn’t seen one episode, and I was being told that my life wasn’t as full as it could be because of this. “The Wire” has some very passionate stans.

What happened when I finally decided to see what the hype was about? I watched 8 full episodes in one night. And when I went to bed, I actually dreamt about what I saw. I dreamt about West Baltimore, the low-rises, the police force, the drug rings… And when I woke up, thoughts of The Wire woke up with me. So I watched the remaining 5 episodes of Season 1 and itched like Bubbles to get my hands on Season 2. They got me.

I see the hype and I buy into it fully. The show’s so good that I forget it’s scripted. The dialogue is realistic and the conversations flow like they would in real life. The characters feel like real people. All the characters feel natural. There are gray areas like in real life and every time you think you’ve figured out the bad guy, he’s just another layer of this larger story that won’t end. The fact that no one person is a 3-dimensional cartoon villain in a show that revolves around crime is hella impressive. And the stories are intertwined believably, not in the far-reaching “that’s this person’s uncle’s 3rd cousin’s stepson by marriage twice removed” way.

D’Angelo Barksdale, Avon, Jim McNulty, Bunk, Kima, Prez, Lieutenant Daniels, Bubbles, Bodey, Stringer Bell, Omar and the others have me caring about their lives. I’m so into their story and I’m losing sleep to find out what happens next. I haven’t been captured by a TV show like this since the first time I watched “Scrubs” and I had to go out and buy all the season DVDs so I could catch up.

The Wire is amazing so far, and I’ve been told that I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet. And this makes me so excited that I could just roll around on the floor. The anticipation of the other 4 seasons has me giddy. The show is smart, captivating, enthralling and all around phenomenal!

A whole decade late, but I am finally a fan of The Wire. Nay, I am a stan. Better late than never, right?

So… did you guys and gals watch “The Wire” when it was on? Or were you like I was 2 weeks ago: a stranger to its’ awesomeness?

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Patti LaHelle Wins The YouTubes With “The Uninvited”

Luvvie — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 07:12:05 +0000

And yes, I meant “The YouTubes.” I first discovered Patti LaHelle’s videos in September when I saw the “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” video and I was slayed DEADT! Well there’s a new one and it is chock full of gems.

*lays out*

My favorite lines:

Whitney: “Team Jesus. Team Soldiers for Christ. THAT’s the team I’m on!”

Mariah: “One uses sunglasses to shade the CLASSLESS!”

Beyonce: “At the time, no one had told us it was Brandy Norwood and that she was a guest of a guest of a guest…Maybe she was signed up to perform for us. I mean, the bathrooms are very spacious.”

Janet: “And I said we all have something you don’t here and she said ‘Are you being shady?’ and I said no I’m being obvious. We all have invitations.”

Patti: “I love Brandy. I really do. But ever since Janet went to Nutrisystem, she’s had the strength of a crackhead. That wig was laying on the floor like it had a grudge against everybody.”

LMAOOOOO at all the Brandy shade though! And Mathew Knowles being the person who started the fight got me crying!

Beyonce: “Mathew Knowles? It sounds familiar. But I think my father right now is Jesus Christ Lord and Savior.”

EVERYTHING Tamar said had me rolling. “H-T-T-P colon forward slash slash www dot lies dot com! Ain’t nobody jealous of no TONTEE BRAXTON!”

But my favorite line in all of this is: “Haters are people who read with no resume and critique without credentials.” iLIVE!!

Lemme not transcribe the whole video but this ish is HILARIOUS! And Erykah Badu coming in at the end talmbout “they didn’t even have no aura.” It was twice as funny because she’d say something like that for real.

Ennehweighs, this is 10 minutes of awesome that I need you to getchu a piece of. “Got2BReal” is everything.

Guess Who’s Coming to Patti’s Dinner? I. AM. SLAYED.