I was pinning up my locs, and I was looking in the mirror to make sure I got the style right. I was placing a pin in my hair when I saw something that looked like a thin, white thread in front of my hairline. Ugh. I hate when lint gets in my hair. So I dusted it off. But it didn’t move. WHHAAA??? I got even closer to the mirror.

So I pulled it and it didn’t budge. Wait. Wayment. That isn’t… Nawl. But it is! It’s a gray hair!

*wall slides in the name of aging*

I have a gray hair. At 26.9? But why??? How did it get there? Have I been working too hard? Why’s it tryna ruin my youth? How is it that time already? I had questions, and I needed answers. So naturally, I consulted the Soothsayer of All Random Facts: Google.

I did a search for “What causes gray hair?” and the first link that showed up was from WebMD. I should have known better than to click it. WebMD is the worst thing to ever happen to anyone with remote hypochondriac tendencies. They once told me I might have the gout because I said I had elbow pain. Even with this knowledge, I clicked to see.

WebMD said gray hair is caused as hair stops producing pigment like it used to. Or I could have a vitamin B12 deficiency. OR it could also be vitiligo. *cries* SEE? They stay going for the worst thing. At least it wasn’t the gout this time.

But yeah, I ended up pulling out the gray strand of hair and stroking my hairline, whispering sweet nothings to it that I don’t find another one. I don’t think I have enough sense to get gray hair yet. I feel like people with gray hair are wise and regal. Meanwhile, I still look like a 12-year old and get carded really hard when I go buy liquor. I’M NOT READY YET!

Do you have gray hair? How old were you when you found your first one?

Related posts:

1. True Life: I Bought UGG Boots. And I Love Them.
2. Dry Hair Battle III
3. If I was my hair, I’d be a Nomad
4. Dry Hair Battle II
5. Hair 1, Comb 0

This colored individual has a caesar haircut in the front and jail braids in the back.

O________O

When I tell y’all the future is losing? I mean it with my entire heart. This young sir also has on slacks and a white button up, with a tie, which means he is on his way somewhere important. He might be on his way to an interview. And he’s about to show up with his head looking like this.

I don’t care if he is a Rhodes Scholar with a 4.35 GPA and interned under Steve Jobs and PERSONALLY came up with the idea for Google. Everything on his resumé is rendered null and void if he shows up to an interview with me looking like a practical joke.

This is why mentors are so necessary! If he had one, this won’t e’em happen.

On a good note, his hair looks real neat. Both the caesar AND the braids look very clean. If they were on TWO different heads, I wouldn’t e’em be mad. But on the same head? Chile listen… NAWL. Just NO. Who even agreed to execute this hairstyle when homeboy came up with it. I have so many questions and not enough answers.

But still… whose half braids are these?

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2. Whose cousin is this?
3. Whose Head is This? I Have Many Questions

Folks gotta be more careful with their branding and what they place their names on. These videos are going to have people looking like complete messes, with Tyra’s stamp on it. NAWL. Like this one:

No shade (which guarantees that what I’m bout to say is gon be FULL of shade) but I can’t take advice about haircare from someone who needs about 2 inches of trim. Her ends are more split than the Republican party and she’s tryna tell folks what to do. Joann, that’s like taking plastic surgery recommendations from Lil Kim. Nawl. And her afro looks like crime (McGruff the dog took a bite out of it).

AND she’s a hairstylist??? What do her customers look like when they get out her chair? And this lady is telling folks to be running brushes through their afros. That explains why hers looks like the hay they were smoking in the middle of the barn. I mean you hear the sound of the brush running through her hair??? Ain’t that the same sound you get if you shuffle on carpet? On some:

Yeah. Bet you her hair needs some static sheets too.

This whole video is gon just murk some folks’ coifs if they tried what she’s telling them to do. I ain’t e’em got the time nor the couth for this.

I am not a mogul (yet. COME ON, JESUS! Hear my cry!) but I want to sit Tyra down and say “I like you a lot, but come get your peoples. And learn from Mother Oprah, who said she personally signs every check over $1,000 going out her company. You’ve got to micromanage your brand so your name isn’t attached to foolishness like such. Girl, your team should get their entire wigs snatched for this. They need to be snatched BALD!”

SMH.

Have y’all seen this YouTube channel and other vids? Do y’all wanna give Tyra advise too?

Related posts:

1. Dear YouTube

But why???

Soooo…

Lemme get this straight. This young sir got an old toothbrush, his finest jar of brown gel and GOT TO WORK in a mirror to accomplish baby hair that wasn’t destined for his scalp. Oh.

He really did intently brush hair one inch beyond his edges forward. Then he took the tip of the comp and swept it on his forehead so his baby hair could lay perfectly right, like a busted ocean wave.

Well it’s clear that all he wanted for Christmas was hair that laid just so soft across his forehead so instead of waiting for Santa, this go-getter took it in his own hands. But people need to understand that lack of babyhair doesn’t make them less human.

I promise it really ain’t this serious. Some of us weren’t put on this Earth to have baby hair past month 3. I know my tougher than Nigerian hair steeze. Only time I have baby hair is if I tie my night scarf REAL tight, wake up with some wisps on my forehead. But if I’ont protect that babyhair, I lose it in the shower. AND I AM OKAY WITH THIS!

Oh and I see how half his hair is straight and half curly. This is what we call the S-Curl syndrome. He ain’t use the activator right after he got that perm. Nor did he roll his hair into the curls alla way.

*sigh* I guess.

Anywho, I wanna know. Whose babyhair is this???

Super sidenote: Check out my letter to Troy Davis on Clutch Magazine Online! Dear Troy Davis, We Failed You. If you like it, comment or like or tweet. Either way, getchu a piece.

Related posts:

1. Whose Misguided Mama is This?
2. Whose Child Is This? And Are Those… iQuit
3. Whose Dumb Idea Is This? Kohl’s FAILED!
4. True Life: I Found A Gray Hair
5. Whose Half Braids Are These???

CHECK GRANDPA OUT!! Lol! Why is he so adorable? Sitting in a computer lab with his bookbag, jean jacket and… slicky ricky straight back BRAIDS (also referred to as jail braids). Chile iCackled.

Sooo you know Granddad has a braider in his neighborhood or retirement village who comes to whip his mane into submission every 2 weeks religiously. His braids look all neat (well as neat as braids with hair that fine can look). They look fresh. I ain’t mad. E’em though I could be, since it should be a misdemeanor for any grown man to still rock cornrows.

I’m actually impressed by the fact that he ain’t got no male-pattern baldness. ALL of Grandpa’s hair is present. Thin, but present. And for him to choose to rock braids in his sunset years though… lol. Lemme find out Snoop got a Vanilla Granddad he ain’t tell us about. Or Uncle. Walking around look like a bleached Slim Thug. I love it.

Oh and you know this OG be pulling all the geriatric ladies. You can tell his swag is on a hundred thousand fiber pills. He prolly runs things at Bingo night. WHO MAD?

Either way, WHOSE GRANDDAD IS THIS???

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2. Whose Late Ratchet Grandpa is This?
3. If I was my hair, I’d be a Nomad
4. Whose Head is This? I Have Many Questions
5. Whose cousin is this?

Invisiwig. Brows. O____o

INVISIWIG EYEBROWS! LAWDDDDDD!!!

So folks ain’t e’em going the old-fashioned 2001 route of using rogaine on their brows anymore. People are getting WEAVE BROWS now???

Listen… I don’t have time for this. They aint found the cure to cancer or the reason why Flava Flav looks like walking beef jerky but they go ahead and invent lacefront brows. I’m pretty sure the human race is nearing its peak in evolution. We might be officially regressing cuz this ish here?

“They can be worn in the shower, although prolonged submersion is not recommended. We do not recommend wearing them in the pool, due to the harshness of the pool’s chemicals.”

Oh so if I was feeling froggy and wanted to be bold and wear my lacefront brows in the pool, will the chlorine render them twiggy? Would I be walking and my brows fall off my face? “Smoking on brows in the middle of the barn” steeze. Imagine going swimming with your friend, and her having to take off her brows before taking a dive. She goes in looking like Frida Carlo bout the brows and comes out looking like Whoopi. Chile, NAWL.

Lemme find out cholas gon stop drawing on brows and start putting on invisiwig on their faces. ^___^. This aint what life is bout.

The invisiwig folks talmbout ”for the most natural eyebrows ever made.” The most natural brows ever made are the ones you grow. Get the entire hell on!

“Due to the personal nature of this product and the risk of tampering with the glue, this product is not returnable.”

LMAO! The fact that they gotta put that means some degenerate somewhere got them and then went “These don’t work for me. I wanted the Conan O’brien. Not the Mary J Blige.”

Well, I guess this is justifiable for people who’ve lost their hair to chemo or alopecia, or something. The rest of you dustbunnies better not get no lacefront eyebrows!!! BET. THE HELL. NOT!!

How many squirrels had to die for shallow people to have “natural synthetic brows?” Possum fur ass brows. Noah ain’t build an ark with two of each animal (but forgetting the unicorns) for them to use their fur for this. HE AINT!  Jesus ain’t go to calvary for us to be rocking hairhats above our eyes.

Folks walking around with lacefront brows. God ain’t make eyebrow pencils for no reason.

And remember this girl?

*deep sigh* The hood is losing.

And is the herringbone chain the necklace of choice for the foolish? IDK. Alls I know is…

Would you get invisiwig eyebrows? And is old girl in the video above your cousin? You can tell us. We’re family here.

Related posts:

1. I Got Busted Brows
2. Facebook Ad FAIL
3. Madame Cameroon’s Lethal Side-Eye
4. 5pm Shadows at Noon

What in the... Who the... WHAT THEY MEAN???

A “Ghetto Fab Wig?” You have GOT to be kidding me! I just don’t know how to feel about this because it’s so blatantly ignorant that I kinda think it’s a prank they’re playing. But even if it’s a prank, it’s a bad one. I’m pretty sure it’s not a prank though. I was just trying to find something semi-decent to say. But…

Kohls! You have the unmitigated GALL to put a white woman in an afro wig and then label it “Ghetto Fab???” WHO IS YOU TALMTO?? WHO I ASK!??

And the chick in the picture is looking quite pleased with her newfound “down-dom.” Girl… BYE!

Listen.

The hairhat the woman is wearing is the actual texture of some folks’ REAL hair. To label this as “ghetto fab” is just downright offensive. When did kinky hair texture become “ghetto?” Why am always shocked when I see something like this? The worst part is that someone has probably bought that wig for their Halloween costume. Someone melanin-deficient. Ugh. iCannot.

This is a complete and utter FAIL! Kohl’s is not bout that life. Whose dumb idea was this? Now I got an attitude. *rolls eyes*

And they coulda used some Carol’s Daughter or Juices & Berries on that wig. It’s kinda dry.

P.S. Check out Afrobella’s post about this wackness. She’s the sense to my ratchet.

AND ANOTHER THING!!! On second thought, Will Ferrell is prolly somewhere MAD that they’re calling HIS hair texture ghetto fab. I’m just saying.

EDIT: Kohl’s has removed the wig from their online store. BEHOLD THE POWER OF GOONING ON THE INTERNET!!! Afrobella SNATCHED their wig until they SNATCHED THAT WIG!!!

But here’s the BAD news. The wig is manufactured by California Costumes, and is apparently sold everywhere. Sears, Amazon, Buy.com included. How disappointing. They ALSO need to pull snatch this wig from their sites.

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If looks could kill, this one would ANNIHILATE

Luvvie: What do I say to that??? Where do I begin, Lawd????

Kindred: HA! I tried to warn yo life, but now you are slayed in the name Mama Tina’s long lost Creole ancestress

Luvvie: That side eye of glory gave me life, killt me dead and breathed oxygen into me at the same damn time

Kindred: Lethal, you hear me?! I think she models her look after Storm…but with an Island flavor. Ha! Tropic Storm game proper!

Luvvie: I feel like my life don changed for the better by seeing that

Kindred: I know mine has. I can rest easy knowing that British hoes are being murked en masse

Luvvie: She is a hybrid of Chaka Khan, Tina Turner and Mama Tina rolled into one

Kindred: One of them might be hiding in that tower of terror atop her head

Luvvie: U see that mammoth hairhat??? Can’t nobody tell me she aint win an auction of the costume dept from The Wiz And dyed the lion’s mane and put that on

Kindred: She is yo QUEEN. Yo Black Sheba. Your Enchanted Tigress!

Luvvie: Its perfectly feline feathered. iCant. That lady is a fierce kitty! I aint lying!

Kindred: Oooo, her aura is feisty. I think my monitor just gave me two snaps round the world

Luvvie: Then her eyebrows!!! Lawd her eyebrows! They look like that key on the keyboard that points up ^

Kindred: LMAO only if the tune is one of sass. Maybe Yamaha can give her an endorsement

Luvvie: They are all types of literal and figurative shaaaapness

Kindred: You see them angles, folk? Her arch is arched

Luvvie: The better to ice grill you with

Kindred: Naw her grill is one of heat and unbridled rage. That pasty mess offended her lifespace with her blandness

Luvvie: And her face? Sponsored by Fashion Fair. All them layers of makeup

Kindred: Is there such a thing as bedazzled spackle? Cause if not, there is now

Luvvie: RuPaul is somewhere MAD at being swagger jacked

Kindred: Nah, I’d like to think he’s somewhere writing her a Thank You lettah for inspiring folks round the world to resurrect their inner Diva and let her Shine

Luvvie: All of this just makes this lethal side eye better

Kindred: It’s the total package. You can’t put this kind of ensemble together overnight. It is a perfect storm of fever…correction: Perfect Tropic Storm

Luvvie: I mean I feel like I ain’t even worthy of seeing this pic

Kindred: Blessings come in many ways – now I have motivation to continue my daily side-eye exercises without fear of becoming wonky pupil-ed

Luvvie: I’m a side-eye rookie compared to her

Kindred: That side-eye represents her life, her countrymen, their struggle, their fears, their success. It’s a badge of honor and a heavy burden

Luvvie: She is my Mr Miyagi and I must study this pic for hours… Nay, months so I can b side-eye game proper

Kindred: We all have our goals. If I can slay someone upon my deathbed with a side-eye like this, I’m sure I’d be brought back to life and perfect health almost instantly. Karma, ya know

Luvvie: That lady gotta feel some heat on the side of her face The way Madame Cameroon is looking at her? I bet she got a black bruise on her cheek now and don’t know how it got there

Kindred: LMAO can you imagine her the next day?! “Oh drat, I’ve got quite the blemish here”

Luvvie: Whooo lawd. Madame UK don’t e’en kno it but its a shell of her former self sitting there

Kindred: Her soul is somewhere dazed and confused. It went for the light and got straight bamboozled

Luvvie: She’ont kno the old her is dead and gone. Cause: Lethal side-eye administered by hating ass first lady

Kindred: That hate is so powerful it can be acquired by osmosis. Now I hate Madame Crumpets and I’m still not sure why

Luvvie: Seriously, this pic is everything I ever wanted and never knew I needed

Kindred: This day has to be the worst of Madame UK’s life. The only way it could get any worse is if Chris Brown showed up and asked her to go on a car ride

Luvvie: I aint scared of lions, tigers or bears but I’m scared of THAT side-eye

Kindred: I’m pretty sure First Lady Creole can now be classified as a terrorist AND war hero

Luvvie: Jeebs be a protective cloak or somefin for Madame UK

Kindred: No mere cloak is strong enough to protect her! Madame UK needs a distraction, like a handful of Fashion Fair compacts to toss at her and run. Oooh, or maybe a mirror like Medusa

Luvvie: I bet that side-eye scared her teeth straight

Kindred: Let’s not get out of hand here. We all know there’s no such thing as a British dentist, so a side-eye couldn’t possibly resurrect Madame UK’s teeth

Luvvie: I’m weak from looking at pic too long I need to lie down *faints dramatic like*

Kindred: I wonder if you fell in her weave, would I ever see you again? Would you return 20 years later to regale me with mystic tales of adventure?

Luvvie: Annnnnddd scene

*takes a bow*

———
Even after all that was said and done, I STILL had more roast. Doesn’t Madame Cameroon look like she needs to be Chronicling Narnia? She got the lion and the witch part DOWN. All she needs is that magical wardrobe. iCan’t. Clearly I got comments for DAYS on this pic.

Related posts:

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2. Damp Sweatah, Dry Heart
3. If Tupac Met Malcolm X, They’d Side-Eye This Painting Together
4. Jesus Had Haters. YOU Have Side-eye Givers
5. Ashy Gary

Dear Rihanna,

Hey girl hey. I see you taking Europe by storm. You’ve recovered from MMhmm-gate ’09 VERY well. And your ex-boo? Well… we just gon leave him be. I already wrote that fool his own letter. Now it’s your turn.

So Ri-Ri. I get it. You’re edgy. You can wear a necklace made with bullets to cover your nipples. You can shun pants for the rest of your life and instead dedicate your craft to wearing onesies. You can refuse to smile because you’re too segzy to show teeth. I get it, girl. You’re so edgy you smirk at yourself for smirking and then scowl at life for smirking back at you. Gurl, you got EDGE. The only way you could be edgier is if you wore a suit made with knives and “Najiramba’ed” on a bed of nails. Wait… I mustn’t give you any more ideas. You’re liable to do it.

Methinks Jim rocked it better.

BUT I gotta ask you. What in all that is good and sanctified have you done to that hair ours? Is this edge, because you missed that exit and ended up in the “Tacky” rest stop. You got the SAME haircut Jim Carrey had in “Dumb & Dumber” and then dyed it with red Kool-Aid. What hairdresser agreed to doing your hair like this??? If someone came to my shop asking for that, I’d throw my scissors and close shop for the rest of the day on account of being disrespected.

If your motive was to get people talking about you, well congrats. The Foghorn Leghorn haircut actually did get my attention in a major way. I realize you ain’t the best dancer. Or singer. Or performer.But your looks ARE DOPE and your stylist is doper.

But this? This is “Doing the Most.” You’re typically fierce but now… doing THE MOST. Just stop. And get a new hairdresser.

Yours in extreme side-eye,

Related posts:

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Anyway, I introduce you to Allen E. Brown aka APimpNamedSlickFront aka The Pimp Who Murked Me. He is actually a pimp in New Jersey who was running a prostitution ring, and ended up being sentenced to 18 years in jail.

How do I roast thee? Let me count the ways.

There was a news story written about him talmbout:

“When Brown first walked into the courtroom…his hair was styled exquisitely, with wavy strands curled on his forehead and a long thin ponytail hanging over his shoulders.”

*flatlines* Here lies Luvvie. She came. She Saw (the pimp). She murked. So young. So promising. Did I write this story and forget to add my name to the byline? The fact that the reporter put this in an otherwise straight-laced story pretty much DID ME IN! It murked me entirely.

I took ONE look at this picture and had roast tourette’s. Let’s make a list of ALL the things that are wrong with this picture. I’d probably save time if I listed everything that was right = NOT A DAMB THING!

1. Does this man have gelled down bangs in individual S shapes?!? Like for realsies? I bet he used all the brown gel he could find in a 10-mile radius to get this look. And you see the perfectly parallel strips of swoop?!? And the hair looks crispy as well. Like a burnt cheeto chip. iCan’t.

b. This ratchet negro has the nerve to have (what he considers) groomed eyebrows. LAWD!!! Walking around looking like (~__~) is NOT the business. Someone (probably him) sat in front of a mirror with a razor and was like “Man, my eyes gon be GETTING IT!”

3c. This belligerent dummy got the nerve to have on colored contacts. Sir, we ALL know you weren’t born with the hazel eyes. Can you please stop the madness?  I just… I really want to start a petition against colored contacts. But that’s another post for another day.

IV. For the piéce de resistance, this classless wonder has a stringy ponytail attached to the back of his head. That thing looks like what I picture Voldemort’s wand resembles. Except instead of being made of Phoenix feathers, this is made of the tail of a Project rodent woven together. iREFUSE.

APimpNamedSlickFront got an 18-year sentence. I bet 17 of those years was for looking like he did. If this ain’t a crime, Iunno what is.

AND he's missing teeth?!? If I didn't know better, I'd say his existence and sole purpose for being on this Earth is to give me roast material. Every fiber of his being is roast-worthy. Wait... is his sideburn shaved into triangles?! No. I just. I'm done.

Whose uncle is this?!? You can speak up. It’s okay. We won’t shame you for more than 7 years. If my relative looked like a shaded version of a villain from an Anime cartoon, I too, wouldn’t claim him. But that’s because I’m shallow.

P.S. Black folks, we GOTTA do better. White folks, don’t judge the rest of us. Everyone else… *sigh* you know there’s always a bad egg in the bunch. This one is rotten.

P.P.S. I see how you do it, Jersey. I SEE’D YOU! Lol

Remember folks. You can send in folks/things for me to roast. Add them to my Facebook fan page wall. Or email them to Luvvieblog@gmail.com.

Related posts:

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2. Whose Dumb Idea Is This? Kohl’s FAILED!
3. Whose Misguided Mama is This?
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5. Whose Granny Is This?