Zindzi is great for finding the DUMBEST tweets EVER. So I asked her to bless me (and you) with a post on various tweets she’s come across all year, that are just on DUMMY. And she did. So… enjoy!

———

Twitter: A place for people to share their thoughts. A place for celebrities and public figures to connect with their fans and supporters. An English major’s nightmare.

I want to forget these tweets. I want to pretend MJB never typed “intelligents”. But I cannot. So with a heavy heart and deep sigh, I present to you:

The 25 Dumbest Tweets of 2010

1) @LeighyahBaby: Ladies that fall in luv with other peoples boyfriends have low selves of steam

Zindzi: Okay, she meant well, but DAMN.

Luvvie: The fact that I can’t e’em type “self esteem” anymore because of this is just…

2) @Tyrese: Real MEN who study&enjoy nieces asses clearly know the difference in a REAL of FAKE ass..So you ladies know It’s NASTY STOP IT!

Zindzi: When your misspellings/grammatical errors render your tweets slightly illegal, you need to step away from the keyboard

Luvvie: I don’t even know WHAT he’s talmbout here.

3) @starchyldzwurld: Iph sumbodee notice u got a hair owta playce they lyke u or they gelus oph u…#platowt…TiNg**

Zindzi: I…have no words. EVERYTHING is wrong here.

Luvvie: Wait… WHAT?

4) @Cdotthecatalyst RT @wait_Ur_A_NATE: this nigga got cerrobopause, why the fuck he keep moving his hand <– u mean cerebral paulsy?

Zindzi: My favorite type of grammatical error would have to be one that is made when attempting to correct someone else’s error

Luvvie: O__o

5) @chloowalker: i’m having withdrawal systems i haven’t had a gingerbread latte in days!

Zindzi: Withdrawal. Systems. *burns books*

Luvvie: Umm…

The Patented Zindzi Stare. All of these have earned it.

6) @NinoBgr8: #Ladies If u have hair on ur knuckles yew where going to be a man but God changed his Mine =)

Zindzi: *Blank Stare*

Luvvie: O_______O

7) @hoopz_23: Closes mouths don’t get feed!

Zindzi: Noes, they doesn’ts!

Luvvie: But do opens foots get ate?

8 ) @slimthugga: It’s wanna those movies that have chicks on that sullibant shit

Zindzi: Isn’t sullibant an arthritis medicine? Sullibrex? Celibrex? I dunno.

Luvvie: “wanna those” though?

9) @ItsNotU_itsRIS: Women, stop puttin these men on such a high pedal stool. Not all of them are worth it #imjustsayin

@itorria05: Question off the day!! why must women be called a hoe when they sleep with many but a guy is placed on a petal stool?

Zindzi: When I see “pedal stool”, I think of a unicycle. When I see “petal stool”, I cry.

Luvvie: The lack of respect of grammar, syntax, subject-verb agreement and the English language in general… But he gets an E for effort. I guess.

10) @NETWORKGIL: hate all girls with arterial motives that’s why I 20 plus no son no daughters

Zindzi: Nonsensical AND misspelled? *Facepalm*

Luvvie: I also hate ventricular motives. O__O

11) @BigHomie_: #HowToKeepAMan sign dat pre-nub b4 y’all tie the knot

Zindzi: Pre-nub=An arm pre-amputation?

Luvvie: Pre-nub is what happens AFTER amputation before the nub develops.

12)

But...

Zindzi: If you Google a word and the only results that come up are retweets of your misspelling, you’ve lost

Luvvie: NO birthday #secks for you! NO SIR!

13) @HP3D: if your gone hang with bitches, they minus well be female

@MsCJayBoss: If ya gotta stay home mine as well eat good!

@Tiana_Maclips: Matter as well walk to da nail salon while lex take her time

Zindzi: Okay, let’s discuss this. The term is “MIGHT AS WELL”. Not Mightus Whale, Mighty Swell, Minors Well…

Luvvie: All of ‘em #minuswell just go away.

14) @enaboomb: If you don’t have flower to fry chicken.. use muster #random

Zindzi: Is this from Sandra Lee’s cookbook?

Luvvie: I enjoy seerop with my food.

15) @BubbleFaceBre: #In10Years Niqqah Will Relize Females Are Really Smarter Then Them!

Zindzi: Thank you for setting us back 50 years.

Luvvie: And she’ll be the exception to that epiphany when it happens

16)

*sigh*

Zindzi: I’m definitely crying, too…

Luvvie: If this child don’t go reassess her lifespace…

17) @WakaFlocka1017: A hater is a undercover admiru

Zindzi: Sir.

Luvvie: I just…

18) @neivexsharpe: My grandma was lactoast & tolerant, my mom kinda is. That means I might, aslo?! Daaanngg it -_-

Zindzi: Lactoast. But definitely tolerant. Well, that’s good. *Sigh*

Luvvie: If she lacked toast, why ain’t she just eat waffles? Maybe she couldn’t tolerate it. Oh. That ain’t it? (-___-)

19) @tbad2thebone: Fantasia was her 2010 high school class valid victorian.

Zindzi: Another one of my favorite types of errors: Ones that are made while attempting to insult someone else’s intelligence]

20) @ShenekaAdams:  I feel like doing some Debotury.

Zindzi: What annoyed me about this one was her attitude about being corrected. She CLEARLY meant “debauchery”, but when she was corrected, she said “not everyone uses the White Man’s dictionary”. So, to be fair, I consulted my Laotian Man’s dictionary, and yeah, “debotury” isn’t in there, either

21) @HazelLynn770: Straight women need to STOP taking the gay route as a escape goat.

Zindzi: Every time I see “escape goat”, I picture a bunch of goats running across a highway. Don’t judge me.

Luvvie: Escaped goat? Who let us Capricorns out the gate?? SHOURROUT TO MY FELLOW CAPRICORNS! Oh, he wasn’t talmbout us? Aight then. (-__-)

22) @Scooby85: Please dont miss interpret that last tweet people…. Omg lol

Zindzi: Miss Interpret? Is she friends with Miss Understood?

Luvvie: I thought she was BFFs with Miss Represent. *shrugs*

23) @anagabby93: My dad just felt extra dumb tryna say I aplied to thisd colledge and I said uhh no I didnt

Zindzi: Misspelling college is probably one of the dumbest things you can do, ESPECIALLY when calling someone else dumb.

Luvvie: Her poor daddy’s wasting money on college apps when she MIGHT wanna stay an extra year in high school to catch up.

24) @Nice_n_Strong: Stuck with a lot of should of , would of , could of

Zindzi: And you left me stuck with a lot of crap.

Luvvie: *deep sigh*

25) @Tyrese: In your relationship try and become a profetiobal forgiver..

Zindzi: This is the WORST kind of misspelling. The type that makes you question YOURSELF. I actually went to Google to see if maybe I was wrong, and “profetiobal” WAS an actual word. Shame on you, Mr. Gibson.

Luvvie: Profetiobal? Listen. EVERYONES ain’t meant to be deep.

————–

Honorary mentions and Luvvie’s additions:

26)

And a brain is a chest if it can't execute. Wayment... O___O (-__-)

27) @iHateKatStacks: Leaving Atlanta On my way to Texas …. im all around the world

Luvvie: I just took Amtrak to Indiana. Y’all, I’m GLOBAL! O_____O

Much love to ZINZAY for gracing my eCrib with her presence. She’s an English major and prolific tweeter from Brooklyn whose hobbies include reading, writing and hoodie collecting. Follow her on Twitter and Tumblr.

iHate that iLove Twitter sometimes. This is partly why. So much #debotury from people with low #selfofsteam, and then they wanna get an #additude when you correct them. These fools #minuswell just quit tweeting. For all #intensivepurposes, they’ont even know that spell check exists. Then they wanna talk bout haters when we all know it’s nothing but a #defensemagnesium. And you know who’s WORST at this? Tyrese. #Irregardless, he’s FAHN #doe. He’ont look like he got #surrebralposey or nothing. But he spells like he #daws. We all need to #except it. O_o Oh Twitter…

If your tweet ended up in the “25 Dumbest Tweets of 2010″ blog post, I kinda need you to close your Twitter account and go get an English tutor ASAPtually.

Are there any other tweets that should be included in this? Which of these is the absolute dumbest?

Follow Zindzi (@MissZindzi) and Luvvie (@Luvvieig) on Twitter.

Also, check out the Dumbest Tweets tumblr. Updated almost daily with the dumbest tweets that we see on Twitter as they happen. You can also submit the dumb tweets you see there.

Related posts:

1. The 50 Dumbest Tweets of 2011. Part 1
2. The 50 Dumbest Tweets of 2011. Part 2
3. The 20 Dumbest Celebrity Tweets of 2011
4. Library of Congress Got Your Tweets
5. Luvvie’s GRAMMYS Live-Tweets Party

Swoop bang game PROPER!

On August 25, 2001, I was heading into my senior year of high school. I was on the phone talking to my best friend at the time. Roasting, ranting… doing what I do now. Except with no audience. Somehow, we talked unto the wee hours of the morning. Right before we were about to hang up, breaking news comes on MTV. It said the small plane carrying Aaliyah and her crew back from the Bahamas had crashed.

LAWDDD!!! Did I bust out a *WALL SLIDE*! I didn’t even have a name for it then but that’s what it was. I was sooo shocked because she was super young. She had so much ahead of her. The fact that 9 years after her passing, we still acknowledge her at this level means something. So I give you:

5 Reasons Why We Still Love Aaliyah

#AllTommyHilfigerEverything

5. She made dressing like a boy cute. I, too,wanted to rock Tommy Hilfiger boxers that showed over my super baggy jeans. I think Aaliyah may have actually kicked off my LOVE of Tommy stuff. That’s a post for another day. But in high school, I ODed on Tommy Hilfiger merchandise. I thought Aaliyah was the coolest! And since she rocked it, I did too. And her baggy jackets with nothing but a sports bra under? COOLEST. CHICK. EVER. She made Tomboy the new Black. And since I was already a tomboy, she was my fashion icon. *girl crush swoon*

4. She made the swoop bang the black “Rachel.” You know how Jennifer Aniston made the “Rachel” from Friends haircut popular for white women? Well Aaliyah did that to the swoop bang with Black folks. She made sure her hair was gingerly placed over her right eye like so. Shoutout to everyone who thought she had a lazy eye. She was just saying she only needed ONE eye to look at y’all lessers with. You can be mad if you want to be. (-__-)

And I’d like to add that her hair was ALWAYS on point, whether she had weave, tracks or whatnot. She never offended my sensibilities with her hairhat. It. STAYED. ON. POINT. Take notes, folks. Take copious notes.

3. She was adorabo. I mean, her nickname was “babygirl.” And it did give her some innocence. Even after we found out about the marriage to one Pied Piper of Pee, Robert Kelly, we went “Well that girl ain’t know nothing.” And she didn’t. Nowadays, artists are hypersexual. Aaliyah thrust her pelvis at you and you didn’t see her love pocket. You just saw a dance move that involved hips. Now we live in the era of onesies. But Aaliyah was sooo beautiful. Yet without much implication of slutbucketness. She was a pretty good medium.

2. She could dance. And sing. WELL. *looks at Ciara* (-__-). I’m just saying. Babygirl was a well-rounded performer. She could dance her butt off. It was like all her parts moved exclusively from each other but together (if that makes sense). She could make her waist move with nothing else. Chick could DANCE. But she could also sing. Her voice was soft and she could carry a note in a shot glass. Unlike some of today’s artists who have the voice for muting *looks at Rihanna*. The fact that I’m impressed with the ability to sing AND dance just lets you know how low my expectations have gotten. But Aaliyah had that complete package.

1. Her music was great and is still worth listening to. On top of all of that, Aaliyah’s music was classic in many ways. A lot of her songs still make me dance and sing (albeit slightly off key). She comes on in my iPod and odds are, I won’t skip them. Well-written and produced songs (shoutout to Timbaland) like hers are to be appreciated. Plus, some of her songs take me back to old memories. Like…

I think my FAVORITE Aaliyah song is “Are you that somebody?” I used to get SO excited when it come on The Box (remember that?). And it also reminds me of freshman or sophomore year of high school. It was homecoming time and we were on the bus headed to the football game. Well, halfway there, me and my Ace Kiarri started singing it and doing the dance. Before long, the whole bus joined in for the ratchetness. We got to the stadium and even did the routines in the bleachers. YESSS! Good times.

My 5 favorite Aaliyah songs

* Are you that somebody?

* We Need a Resolution

* One In a Million

* 4 Page Letter

* Rock the Boat

What are yours?

Aaliyah died when she was 22. I cannot imagine the plans she had for herself. She was peaking and there wasn’t a fall anytime soon. I always wonder how far she would have gone had her time not been cut short. How big would she be? Where would she fit into today’s music scene? Which artists would probably be known wayyy less because she slayed ‘em with her existence? It makes me stroke my chin. Would Aaliyah had worn onesies in every video? Would her lacefront make puppies cry? THESE are important questions. I won’t ever get an answer but I shall ponder them anyway. What do y’all think?

WE MISS YOU, BABYGIRL! RIP Aaliyah Haughton!

P.S. I was watching the “Miss You” video tribute that various artists did for Aaliyah and I may or may not have gotten misty-eyed from it. #ThugTears

Related posts:

1. 5 Reasons Why I Love Lil Cease
2. Aaliyah Passed 10 Years Ago and Twitter Acts A Complete Fool In Her Honor
3. 10 Reasons Why Michael Jackson is the GOAT (Greatest of All Time)
4. Why I LOVE Adele: Her Voice and Soul
5. Michelle Obama Loves Red Velvet and I Love She

So you just gon leave me hanging, Zane? ok then...

I tweeted him a coupla times, and I ain’t get a response. Miss Jia tweeted him too and got nothing. But while we waited for a response by him, he had the nerve to tweet Ashanti talmbout “When can we expect something new from u sweetheart??? Can’t wait…” NAW SON! So we were all hurt like “Oh you give some folks smartphones and they forget how to act.” All he has are 500 followers so I know he seent our tweets. *rolls eyes* I was gon build Lil Zane the BEST geocities fanclub site too. With glittered background and ERRTHANG. But he played us to the left. so…

One good thing happened in spite of him ignoring us. We found out Lil Cease was on Twitter. Mufugging CEASE! Y’all ‘memba him from “Crush on You” with Old Lil Kim (with all her original parts), right?

The 8th grade me was TOO excited. It’s LIL CEASE! Where’s HE been at? Talk about falling off the face of the Earth. Then I saw he didn’t even have a verified badge. That’s that boolsheet I be talmbout Twitter. How y’all not gon verify Cease? Y’all could at least give him the badge you took back from Lil Duval. I’m just saying.

Anywho, me and Jia decided to start a Lil Cease Fan Club on accord of Cease being super cool and stuff. Shoo… WE LOVE CEASE! #Cease4Life So I decided to come up with:

5 reasons why I love Lil Cease

5. His name isn’t Waka. Remember back in the days when rappers were just “Lil?” None of them were called Waka Flacka Lame (that negro doesn’t deserve the F) anything. What’s a Waka Flacka? Why should I gibbadamb? Yes. I like my rappers “Lil.” And possibly not missing the 21st chromosome, which I think Waka is. He just never looks like he is all there. But I guess his existence is to allow us to appreciate other rappers. He is the pain to the joy that is Lil Cease. The rain to the sunshine.

4. He got swole. Umm… Cease ain’t calling himself Hard Body for no reason. Homeboy looks super solid now. So that’s what he’s been up to all these years. He ain’t come back out looking cracked out like others (*looks at K-Ci & JoJo*). Let me find out Cease wanna get FAHN…

3. He’s humble. Cease shonuff replied to folks who tweeted him, and did it all humble too. Humility takes you far. This is probably the main reason I’m stanning for him right now. I expected him to be an ass like most of the other famous folks on Twitter but he proved me wrong. Shoo… even if I ain’t love him, I do now. I ain’t have a churce. He don won me over. #TeamCease

"Losing Isaiah" is even disapproving his casting as Lil Cease. They coulda come more correct. Hayell...

2. Notorious. LAWD! Any man that’ll allow the boy from “Losing Isaiah” to play him in the biopic about his cousin Biggie, is A-OK with me. I’da flipped all types of tables if I was him. They couldn’t find no other skinny short dude to play him? They had to use Isaiah? No shade but that casting was just… O___o. Cease is a gentleman for allowing it. He’s a saint (like Dorothy Mantooth).

1. “Crush on You.” Fifty eleven years after this song first came out, it STILL GOES HARD! How hard? Let it come on in the club and see if everyone doesn’t start rapping along with it. Let the DJ cut it off before it ends and hear folks go “HELL NAW! Let it play!” This was and IS the joint! MAN!

“I know you see me on the video (TRUE!) I know you hear me on the radio (TRUE!) But you still won’t gimme no attention…”

“CD’s with crazy bass, keep my lady laced. Don’t be fooled by the baby face. I hope ya not, cause your thighs got me hot. Only one plan, that’s to rise to the top. I told you before, when I first pursued. I want a interlude, in the nude.” - Lil Cease

*kicks down a chair* YESSSSS!!! THAT. SONG. BEATS!!! 14 years later! LAWD! Where is my Lil Kim lime green wig when I need it in my lifespace?!?

Sidenote: *pours out a lil liquor for Old Lil Kim.* She was sooo cute! This stranger bish we got now just perplexes my soul. I can’t stare at her for too long without squinting. The chick should have stopped at 20 plastic surgeries ago. While she’s mad at the self-proclaimed Harajuku Barbie (Nicki MiWOMP), she’s doing her best impression of an Asian plastic doll herself. But I ain’t the one to gossip. So you ain’t heard that from me. Although I do like her *shudders* swag (for less of a better word).

Watch us crank that fan page!

Some of y’all are probably gon hate on Lil Cease, saying things like he’s irrelevant. Hmph! (-__-) Well so is Amerie but if that chick can make an announcement talmbout she’s adding an extra i to her name, then Lil Cease can plot his comeback. Shoo…Let a Lil Cease single come out and see if I’ont go burn buy it listen to it on YouTube. Look out for the fan page we making. Since geocities is no more, we gon come correct.

Editor’s note: Lil Zane ended up replying us back. But it’s too late. He’s tardy for the party. We already Team Cease. Hmph.

Well look who the tweet drug in. (-__-)

If I had a weave, here’s where I’d flip it and walk away. Someone get me a hairhat right quick! So are y’all gon join the Lil Cease Fan Club when we create it?

Edit #2: Lil Cease commented on this blogpost! This FURTHER lets me know that he is indeed DA BESS! #Cease4Life

Related posts:

1. 5 Reasons Why We Still Love Aaliyah
2. 10 Reasons Why Michael Jackson is the GOAT (Greatest of All Time)
3. Why I LOVE Adele: Her Voice and Soul
4. Handicapped Love Pockets? iCan’t.
5. 5 Reasons Why I Can’t Hate on the Dougie

***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK***

First up is Brokey McPoverty. If her name doesn’t speak volumes to her level of IG, this post will. Check out her blog and follow her on Twitter. She got less sense than a tooth cleaning for crackheads. This fool actually wrote a post called “Donnie McClurkin Likes D*ck: The Musical” iDied. So yeah, enjoy!

How Not to Holla

Dear Fellas (Ladies, too):Hi. It’s me, your dutiful sister in struggle. I caught a case awhile ago that I don’t really want to talk about (all I’ll say is that it involved a squirrel, some rat food, and a very, very large wad of bubble gum) and I still have some hours of community service to work off. I thought a good way to do that would be to share some top secret information that really should be common sense when you think about it. This is stuff that all adults should know, but I know for a fact that there is a very large penis-bearing population that is in the dark. Pay close attention and get your composition books out and take some damn notes, for I am going to walk you through How Not to Holla 101: Sh!t You Should Already Know but Apparently Don’t for Some Reason. 

Okay. So I’m super cute, right? Simple statement of fact. I ain’t nobody’s model or nothin’ like that, but my mama tells me all the time how cute I am. This, however, means nothing in the grand scheme of things because it is my belief that a lot of men (and let me say that I am definitely generalizing here…some of yall have sense. Some of yall have standards. But lots of yall? Sorely lacking) will holla at ANYthing. Seriously. Some of yall have the shortest lists of criterium. I’m guessing it goes a little something like: “Boobs? Check. Breathing? Check. Potential vagina? Check. HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA!”

So yeah, I’m cute, but so what? This isn’t a problem that only the cute have. I’d put good money on it that all women have experienced the hollas that will be discussed at least once in their lives. Whether you’re dressed up in stilletos and latex leggings or drowning in your big brother’s hoodie and some knockoff Uggs from the Chinese store, it doesn’t matter. It’s hard for any of us to make it down the street without a ”Scuse me, shorty!” or a “Hey, sis, can I talk to you real quick?” And I mean it makes sense. At the core, we’re animals, driven by the need to reproduce. So fellas, yall are just doin’ what your subcoscious instincts are telling you to do, and I can’t fault you for that.

What I CAN fault your ridiculous behinds for is the extra uber super duper LAME way some of yall insist on doin’ it! There are certain things, ways and manners that just should not be acceptable from a grown man in 2009. I’m gonna run down some of these ways for you.


1. The Perpetration: Assumption Junction
The Typical Script: 
him: “Aye, how you doin?’ 
her: “I’m fine/I have a headache/I’m suicidal and thinking of ending it all.” (The response here doesn’t really matter because the next question is ALWAYS the same-) 
him: “Oh, for real? Where yo’ man at?” 

Why this is unacceptable: Because OMG, why does it matter, Negro Jones?! If I say he’s walking right next to me, are you gonna leave me alone? Is the assumption here is that if I have a man and he’s not around, I’m fair game?? How trife!! If he was right there next to me, would you leave me alone? Or just continue your rap in sign language when he ain’t lookin? What if I said he was in my heart? I also recognize that this is a slick/coy way of finding out if a woman has a man. It’s lame all the same, though. Just be grown and ask!

You’d be more productive if you: Walked right up to her and said, “Hello, ma’am. Are you looking for an adulterous affair? If so, I’m interested!”The big problem with this approach is that even though it may be a slick way to find out if a lady is involved or not is that if she is involved, that’s not the end. I, for example, always, as a rule, say that my man is at home when asked, and what follows is ALWAYS:

2. The Perpetration: The Biz Markie – aka The “Just a Friend” Ruse
The Typical Script:
him: *random attempt at hollering* 
her: “Sorry, I have a boyfriend.” 
him: “Oh, you can’t have friends?” 

Why this is unacceptable: Like, WTF? YOU DON’T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND!! You made that clear when you started our acquaintanship by askin’ about my boyfriend right out the gate! No, Trifling Johnson, what YOU want is to be an emergency D!ck-in-a-Glass! You want to weasle your way into the kitchen so you can smell the cookies cookin’ and wait next to the stove til it’s time to get a hot one!! You want to get your foot in the door and wait to see if it revolves or not so you can plan yourself a niiiiice little entrance strategy! You ain’t slick!!

It’d be more productive if you: Walked up to me, pulled out your penis and said “Look, it’s not gonna suck itself. I know you have a boyfriend, but if you don’t mind compromising your morals enough to accommodate me, I’d be much obliged. If not, I’ll just skip my happy ass on to the next one.” At least you’d be honest, and at least I could respect that. I’d spit at you and call the cops, but I’d respect you.

3. The Perpetration: Sour Grapes
The Typical Script: 
him: *random attempt at hollering*
her: “Sorry, I have a boyfriend/I’m not interested.”
him: “F*CK YOU THEN, B!TCH, YOU AIN’T THAT CUTE NO WAY!

Why this is unacceptable: Tsk, tsk, boys. Insecurity and inconfidence is not sexy in a man, and nothing says ‘I am an unsure, insecure, no sense of self-having little boy masquerading in a grown @ss man costume’ like disrespecting the woman who just turned you down, for whatever reason. Especially if she was polite about it!! That just makes you look like Boo Boo the Fool dressed for school on a Saturday (Get it? See, because Boo Boo the Fool is already foolish, and there’s no school on Saturday, so if he’s dressed for an occassion that isn’t happening on a particular day, then he looks even more foolish. I just made that up all by myself!). A grown man takes his lumps, brushes off his shoulder and moves on with his life because he knows that he’s not a total lameoid, and if one chick don’t want him, another one somewhere will. But if Shawndre’liqua waitin’ for the bus at 18th and Hill Street with 2 strollers and 5 kids is crushing your spirit like that? I’d prescribe you some serious Jesus, ’cause you just may need it.

It’d be more productive if you: Pulled her pigtails and pushed her down by the monkey bars to show her you like her instead of trying to be grown in the first place. Same freakin’ difference, right?

4. The Perpetration: The Dumbest, Most Irrelevant Question Ever
The Typical Script:
him: “Hey, how you doin, you look nice, blah blah blah.” 
her: “I’m fine, thank you, blah blah blah.” 
him: “You got a phone?” 
her: “……” 

Why this is unacceptable: Lol. What? Like… what?? What does this have to do with the price of tea in China OR the state of this non-happening affair?? Yeah, I got a phone! I got two phones! No, SEVEN!! Now what? Since I have digits, I automatically throw them to you? Is that how this works?Plus, what if I don’t have a phone?? We in a recession, homie! I struggle with this phone bill EVERY month, and when it gets cut off, I’m sensitive about it and I may or may not want you reminding me of the phone I can’t afford to keep on. So here I am in the middle of the street tryin’ to stave off a nervous breakdown because YO’ insensitive @ss has no couth. Awesome.


It’d be more productive if you: Asked about my stove. Or my refridgerator. Or my dehumidifier. None of that matters, either.

5. The Perpetration: The Drive-By Holla
The Typical Script:
him: *slows down car he’s driving in, rolls down window, yells something unintelligible*
her: “What??”him: *yells whatever he said again*cars in the background: *HONK!* *HOOOONK!!*her: “WHAT??!” 
him: “I SAID YOU GOT A FAT @SS, YOU WANT A RIDE??” 


Why this is unacceptable: Is there a better way to make a woman walking down the street feel like a prostitute? All I can think of when this happens to me or when I see it happen to someone else is “Hookers at the Point.” Just my luck, if I were to actually approach the car of a drive-by hollerer, I’d get bum rushed by a squad of undercover agents out setting traps for Ladies of the Night. No thank you. Plus that sort of environment is not conducive to a respectable chat at all, and you know what? When you’re yellin’ at me over Gucci Mane across two lanes of traffic from your Honda Civic….I just can’t help but feel like you don’t really give a sh*t what I have to say. Call it hunch.If I was framing this list in order from strongest perpetrations to mildest, this would be higher up on the list because I have seen and been in some truly ridiculous situations. My favorite (note: that is sarcasm) is when dudes drive down the street, turn around and pull up right in front of you, blocking your path until you talk to them. What kinda stalkery sh*t is that??!It’d be more productive if you: Went to the McDonald’s drive-thru and tried to get with whoever’s taking your order. At least you two would be able to hear each other, and you can get some delicious golden fries while you’re there.

6. The Perpetration: Phone Number Theft
Why this is unacceptable: Okay. I was REALLY on the fence about whether or not to include this, because it involves me showcasing my own stupidity to all of the watching interwebs. I have had my telephone number stolen not once, but TWICE in my life (the first time it happened, the dude was barefoot. Didn’t have nary a shoe on. It’s a looooong story that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, lest I be judged from here to Kingdom Come). If you’re unfamiliar with how this goes, it goes like this: Boy meets Girl. Boy somehow gets his hands on Girl’s cell phone. Boy calls himself from Girl’s cellphone. Boy saves Girl’s cellphone number in his own phone.…SON OF A B!TCH!!!!!Now like I said, a portion of this is my fault. I shouldn’t have let said phone number thieves get their ashy, grubby little hands on my phone anyway. But in my defense, these weren’t just random dudes off the street; they were dudes that I at least knew somewhat, and trusted not to go running off with it. Still, I’m dumb for that. Even so, what kind of dumb-faced jerk would even think about doing that??! You don’t get to decide whether or not you get my number, Loser Jenkins!! And how sad is it that this is how you’ve resorted to getting them?? Like, you know off top that nobody’s gonna give you their number, so you just go right to the pick pocketing?? TRAGIC!

It’d be more productive if you: Killed yourself. Expeditiously. If that’s what your life has come to, just hang it up.

Men, if you are doing these things, STOP IT! Ladies, if you are accepting this lameoid behavior from men, YOU STOP IT TOO! It’s your fault as much as theirs! They’re out here in the streets bein’ lame because it’s clearly working on SOME OF YOU! Do better!!!

No related posts.

• All truck stops are identical. It was like I had Deja Vu every 4 hours when we stopped. I felt like I was stuck in a space-time continuum of sameness. Hell, the people who staffed the stops even looked alike

• If I never see another Sbarro again, it’d be too soon

• Cracker Barrel is my archnemesis. They NEVER get my food order correct. Once, they even made my eggs with shells a la mode. There is NO reason for my eggs to be crunchy. I was irate.

• Living on a diet of Starbucks madeline cakes and Flaming hot chips will make you feel yucky and feel the need to go on a “non-junk food” detox for a couple of days

• Yes, it is possible for your butt to fall asleep

• Who’da thunk I’d miss rice so much (everybody: “Us”. Me: “Sharrap!”) I went 5 days without having rice and I was fiending for it. I will be gorging on rice for the next couple of days. I got home at 2am, went straight to the kitchen for a bowl of rice and went to sleep. Sweet, sweet redemption!

• Bring that book you always wanted to read with you. And yes, you can complete it on the car ride back even after you take a nap. My roadtrip mates were shocked that I took a good nap AND read a complete book from scratch. I’m a speed reader so…

• You can nap for what you think is 2-3 hours and wake up and find out it was only for 30 minutes. It’s like time was crawwwwwlllliiinnnggg

• Being a packrat is definitely an asset. You can never have too many things. My mentor, BA needed the following things during the trip, and I had them ALL: vaseline, halls cough drops, tylenol cold, grapes… She was like “Dang! Who needs Walgreens?”

Despite all of this, I still enjoy road trips, and will go on one in a heartbeat. My next trip isn’t till April so I’mo sat down. My bank account will thank me for it.

I will be posting a blog tomorrow about the foolery I saw in DC, and why I was thisclose to renigging my Black card (before woosahing and saying “Barack is bout to be sworn in. It will negate all the foolishness.”)

Related posts:

1. On the road again
2. Amtrak Failed Us: An Overnight Trip Gone Bad
3. The Road Not Ratchet
4. The Chicken Crossed the Road and Died. MIND = BLOWN
5. 10 Reasons Why My Trip to LA Rocked. Part 1

I don’t do these tagged things often. In fact, I mostly shun forwards of all types (ask my friends. They have been sent STERNLY worded emails and pictures of my vigorously shaking mini fists after sending me one of those forwards that goes “If you don’t send to 56 people, the heels of your favorite shoes will begin to lean to the left to the left”). Needless to say, I’m often left off the Forwards. With that being said, my girl Ladebelle tagged me with this about a week ago. I am just deciding to do it.

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Seven Random Facts about Luvvie

1. My BFF Toco refuses to visit my blog because she gets freaked out everytime she sees my avatar because it looks SO MUCH like me. What can I say? My features make me very cartoonish.

2. I am a hat fiend, and wear hats 75% of the time. I have about 15 or so newsboy hats (Kangols mostly). I cock them slightly to the right when I wear them. My hat addiction is partly because I don’t like combing my hair that often. Plus they add extra flyness to me. Win-win!

3. I really do eat a bowl of rice EVERY day. Not just plain white rice (as folks tend to ask me with crazy looks), but Nigerian white rice, with stew on it. My day feels odd without having had some. Rice is indeed my favorite food, and if I don’t ever EVER get sick of it.

4. I’ve witnessed the birth of 3 babies. And I hold a special bond with each one of them. This is also the reason why I’m soooo straight on THAT for at least 4 years. The Gift of life is not a pretty sight.

5. I just recently stopped my nervous habit of biting my nails. My nails are now gloriously long. (edit: Dang! The cold weather made them brittle. They all broke apart from my left thumb. Shaking nailless fists vigorously!)

6. I would actually much rather be on the couch reading a good book than being online chatting. My actions don’t show it, but you don’t know how excited I get when I realize I have a new book to dive into.

7. I LOVE Greek Mythology, and have since the 7th grade. I even took a course in it in college and I voluntarily went to my huge lecture of it ALL the time because I just enjoyed it (more than could be said for some of my other classes, who saw me 4 times the whole semester). The Odyssey is one of my favorite books ever, and I have read it many times. Still not sick of it.

So now, I shall tag 7 people. Don’t worry, your favorite restaurant won’t close down because of a roaches infestation if you don’t do it. I will understand.

I tag… NaturallyAlise, PBG, Suga, Shannon, BlackBerry Molasses, Jack or Jill, KindredSmile

No related posts.

My guy Aaron T. wrote a note about women that all men should avoid, and it spurred my thoughts on who women need to avoid. These men are not exclusive and some will overlap but certain men have one that is more glaring.

***Mr. Player’s Club — Mr. Player is fine, smooth and well-educated. He knows that on the surface, he is a catch, so he milks it for all its worth. This is the guy who has multiple women in his regular repertoire. He goes through women like Paris Hilton goes through her stash of Valtrex. He has basically assigned a different woman to each day of the week. The kicker is that each of these women believe they are “the only one”, when in actuality, they are just a fraction in his life. He is the guy that women find out is cheating, and STILL stay with him. He HAS to get tested for the VeeDee every 3 months for public health sake (i.e. Terrence Howard, P. Diddy).

***Mr. Mama’s Boy — This guy is attached to his Mother in a very unnatural way that he should have outgrown a long time ago. He speaks with her multiple times a day, consults her on every decision he makes, and will drop EVERYTHING for her. This sounds fine at first, but when his Mother calls during a romantic rendezvous, and he talks to her for 1 hour while you’re sitting there in your lace negligee, it will become irritating REAL quick. He just moved out of her house and has already planned to name his first daughter after her (and her name is Gertrude or Esther). Warning: Mothers of Mama’s Boys will RARELY every like you. (i.e. Usher, Justin Timberlake, Malik from “The Game)

***Mr. Urban Youth — This is the perpetual urban youth. He is 30 years old, still has cornrows in his hair, and can be seen in line at FootLocker EVERY time a new pair of Jordans come out. He still listens to Rap exclusively, and him dressed up is when he wears a pair of Havana Joes with a track jacket. He thinks 401(k) is how much a Bentley costs, and if he was to stop buying white tees, the stock of cotton would plummet. Mr. Urban Youth never goes to a function that could require ACTUALLY dressing up, so you are limited to where you can take him (i.e. Slim Thug & all the other Southern rappers).

***Mr. Sex God — This is that guy with the PERFECT body, GORGEOUS face, is a horizontal genius and… Well, yeah that’s about it. He induces certain unholy thoughts every time you see him, but he opens his mouth and makes you want to vomit. This guy is usually a one-dimensional man. He doesn’t have a respectable job, he is dumb as rocks and his idea of romance is calling you to talk 15 minutes before showing up at your door at 3am. However, between 3 and 5am, this guy is Zeus himself!! He lets you realize why he has no job and can’t put together a string of words to save his life. BUT b/c of his BEAUTY (yes, some men are beautiful) and prowess in the sack, women keep him around. Don’t let that power of the P-E-N-I-S hold you hostage! (i.e. Jody in “Baby Boy”)!

***Mr. Thug — Could be related to the Urban Youth, but not the same. This is the guy that is so thugged out, he makes Tupac seem like Mary Poppins. He has MAD swagger, and is cocky in more ways than one (3 actually). Women go with this guy because he gives them a sense of adventure, and the way he carries himself is a huge turn on. However, you try not to get in an argument with him because his temper is shorter than Midget Mac, and you are truly afraid of what he could do to you if you pushed the wrong buttons. He has called you “Bitch” before but apologized by saying he was sorry you made him call you that. Clearly, he is not worth the trouble (i.e. DMX, Game).

***Mr. Commitment-Phobe — This is the guy who has all the things you look for in a man and could potentially be “the One”. He is romantic, intelligent, attractive AND your family loves him. The problem is that it took 8 months of dating before he claimed you as his girlfriend; whenever you spend the night at his place, he makes you leave at dawn so you won’t have to keep your toothbrush there; AND you’ve been going out for 6 years, but there is no engagement in sight. This is the guy that you have children by, and he still calls you his girlfriend/baby mama. You may blink and realize 10 years down the road that you’re sick of introducing your first love and father of your children as your “boyfriend”. Maybe someday, he will give you that ring, but don’t hold your breath (i.e. P. Diddy).

***Mr. High-Maintenance — This is the guy who could be considered “pretty” and spends more time in the bathroom than a teenage girl. He has more cosmetics than you do, and never misses his weekly manicure and facial. He actually enjoys shopping and he buys you the best gifts. Apart from this though, he seems to be a Guy’s guy. You make a cute couple because he stays well groomed. However, you become weary of him because he straddles the line between Metro and Homo, and in this day and age of down low guys… (i.e. David Beckham)

***Mr. Green w/ Envy — This is the guy who knows he has a dime on his hands and gets jealous at the drop of a dime. Your girls call and he says “Who is that??? How do you know her??” You go out to a romantic dinner and he almost gets whiplash trying to see if other men are watching you. If you go out with the girls, he calls you constantly to see what you are doing, and practically gives you a curfew to make sure you don’t dip off with someone else. Given, at least you know he cares, but his jealousy will only get worse (i.e. Mike Tyson).

***Mr. Deadbeat — This is the guy who couldn’t keep a job if his father was the CEO of the company he works for. His turnover rate is ridiculous, and he always has the same excuse: “Man that place wasn’t for me.” You go to work in the morning, come back and see that he is still in his drawers playing XBox 360, eating all your cereal. You’ve been together for 5 years and he has only had a job for a total of 5 months. You have to pay for all your dates, otherwise date night will consist of you two, the couch, and VH1 reruns. Life with him is very low-budget (i.e. Bobby Brown, Kevin Federline).

***Mr. God’s Gift — This is the one who THINKS he is fine and intelligent, with a body to die for. When in actuality, he is at most only semi-decent looking and is more ignorant than Dog Hunter (plus he has the body of a pre-pubescent boy). He thinks because his best friend since grade school looks like Boris Kodjoe, that by default he does too. Well newsflash, he doesn’t. His confidence is ill-based, and he has the nerve to be hyper-critical of women. This is the guy that preys on women with low self-esteem because he knows he can get them to feel lucky for being with him. CLEARLY, his standards are too high for his own status. Stay away, because he will only bring down your personal property value (i.e. Mike Jones).

***Mr. Beard — This is the guy who is an extreme metrosexual but has more feminine tendencies than the average metro. However, unlike Mr. High Maintenance, there have been rumors of him creeping on the low with other men. He is the one who has been spotted at gay clubs by your friends’ friend, yet he continues to stay in that STUFFY closet. He always has at least one girlfriend to act as his beard, yet no one ever believes their relationship (they clearly need more people). On a plus side, they make pretty good boyfriends (you know, apart from the fact that they may not like you anatomically) (i.e. John Legend, Ne-Yo, Eddie Murphy)

What say ye, peoples?

Related posts:

1. Men that Women should avoid
2. Topics That Need To Go Away: Black Women and Failing Relationships
3. Things Grown Women Should NOT Wear
4. Taxes and death: 2 things you can’t avoid. Especially taxes

“And I’d like to dedicate MY award to my Mom (without who, I would NOT exist), to the general public (without who, I’d have no one to roast), and to my randomness (without who, I’d have to stick to one subject. And thats no fun).”

On some REAL TALK though, I appreciate EVERYONE that reads my blog, and anytime I get a comment, I seriously jump in GLEE. It makes my day. Like for real. But with that being said, I had to pick 7 blogs that I absolutely love to pass the award along.

If these blogs were Crack… (no order)

**Very Smart Brothas: Written by Panama Jackson & the Champ, it is a relationship blog that has taught me some good stuff about how men think and approach the women in their lives. And it is often hilarious. The commenters have formed a mini-family (Shoutout to NaturallyAlise, Miss Patterson, IH, PBG, GeniusKhan, Goode… ok now I’m tired of shouting out. I love everyone else not listed though!!)

**Jack and Jill Online: I just discovered this blog in the past couple of weeks, and I had to add them to my Google Reader (which is HUGE). Jack and Jill are a couple who blog together, and write about random tales of their day. They are HILARIOUS though, and usually have me snorting, especially at their different takes of the same event.

**Goodeness: My IGnant soulmate, Goode’s blog. She is the Queen of getting put on timeout for her senselessness, but her personal blog is honest, sincere, and is just an interesting read.

**Cubicle Crusaders: NaturallyAlise’s blog, which is made up of IM convos of her and her coworker throughout their day. It’s pretty funny.

**Renaissance Black Woman: Eb the Celeb’s the author and its pretty much about her life, which is never dull. Great read.

**You Know You Dead Azz Wrong: This blog is nothing but the ROASTING of people who look a hot mess. If I have a Master’s in roast, then Dirty Mo has a Ph.D and has tenure. I’m usually rolling on the floor at the foolishness on her blog.

**Naked & Natural: I dig Suga’s blog. She’s sarcastic, covers a lot of topics (yes she can be random), and she’s a music-head.

If I let Nepotism rule me, I would have chosen these 3 blogs too:

**House of IG: It’s a group blog I created with 4 other IGs (a.k.a. my HILARIOUS and SENSELESS friends). It launched last week, but it already has some snort-inducing posts.

**I’ll think of a Title Later: My Ace Boon Coon Kindred’s blog about her oft-funny life with my Goddaughter Liggy (Lil Ignant).

**Girl, Stick With Yo’ Cat: My homeskillet VEG’s blog about “live, love and lust”. Let’s just say that Men = -6 million, Cats = 5,683

Please check all these blogs out. They rock my socks, and I hope they rock yours too.

Related posts:

1. Two of My Blogs Are Finalists in the Black Weblog Awards!
2. The Bible, As Told in 2053. Or Through Blogs

Things GROWN People should not wear

**Grills. The South is the main reason I actually have to list this. I believe that grills are synonymous with the Yuckmouth Syndrome. This refers to my expectations that if you are rocking grills, then your oral hygiene is probably lacking, thereby resulting in your breath smelling like onions, feet, and hot dog water. My imagination runs rampant on what the teeth beneath the grills look like (Flava Flav’s face pops up and that is enough to have me shrieking).

**Mullets. Unfortunately, I can’t fully blame the South for this one. I’ve seen people in rural Illinois rocking it. Mullets are the WORST style known to man. They are for people who cannot decide whether they want long hair or short hair, so they decide to go with both (business in front, party in back). Every time I see a mullet, I just want to sing “Captain Planet, he’s the hero, gonna take pollution down to zero…”. I can’t help it.

**Socks & Sandals. Unless you have a condo in Boca Raton and play Bingo every Wednesday night with your posse with names like Gertrude, Esther and Wilbur, this should not even cross your mind. Really, no one should wear this. Not even kids (I would consider it a form of child abuse to subject your kid to this mishap). If the weather calls for sandals, then socks are not necessary, and vice versa. If you want to wear socks because you think your feet are not ready, then put on them loafers for one more day and go get that situation handled.

**Crazy colored contacts. Since colored contacts have been on the market, I’ve been scared shitless so often by looking at people wearing them too fast. If you were born with deep brown eyes, there is no need to put on royal blue contacts. You don’t look sexy. Just deranged. I’ve seen folks wearing contacts of all colors (red, cat eyes, green, purple) and it never fails to make me lose all my proclaimed thuggery.

**Loud logos. Rocking a shirt that is free advertisement to Baby Phat, RocaWear and whatever designer is not what you should do past undergrad. Honestly, we know you are proud of the overpriced ish you are wearing, but your jeans and shirt do not have to have it in FLASHY letters, rhinestones and sequins. Congratulations, you’re wearing GIRBAUD (yes, in ’08). Your certificate of appreciation will be mailed to you in 6-8 week.

Sidenote: I’ve even encountered a lady with the tattoo of the BabyPhat cat. I wonder if Kimora can sue her for copyright infringement, since she did not give her permission to use that logo anywhere, let alone on her person. Would be a hilarious case. This is a nice segway to…

**Partner tattoos. I know when we are deep in love (or lust), we tend to have on sepia-toned glasses. But getting your partner’s name etched on you permanently is not only bold, but hella hopeful. Let’s face it, relationships come and go, but tattoos are forever. I do not think it is a grand romantic gesture to get partner tats. Long after you and the “Love of your Life” break up, that ink will still be there. Besides, I would not want my significan other to get a tattoo of my name because I’d feel to much pressure. My attention span would probably make me see my name on his arm, and be like “Umm… I’ve been thinking. This isn’t working.” Too much pressure. And if he was to suggest it, I’d chuckle nervously, get shifty eyes and say “Tattoo?? But babe, wouldn’t a gold pendant with your name work too? (But I wouldn’t wear it because who wears name pendants anymore??). Love can be shown in other ways. Ink ain’t necessary.

So what say ye? Did I miss anything that adults in general should avoid?

Related posts:

1. Things Grown Women Should NOT Wear
2. Things Grown Men Should NOT Wear
3. People Who Wear Shades Indoors
4. iDont wear makeup enough
5. Things That Murk Thugs and Cause Thug Tears

So to continue the series that started with “Things GROWN men should not wear”, I got ideas from my ignant chica Goodeness (thanks girl! Y’all should check her out).

Things GROWN women should not wear

**Side ponytails. Especially the ones that sit on top of the head. It’s terrible. Side ponytails only go with eating flaming hot cheetos and playing double dutch at recess. You’re grown. Get a new style (especially one that doesn’t make you look like a fruit with a stem)

**Tiny short shorts. If people see you and think you forgot to put on bottoms today, then your shorts are too small. The part of your booty that is lighter than the rest of your body (because of lack of sunlight) should never be exposed if you’re not 1. a stripper named Diamond or Cocoa Pleasure and 2. on the beach.

**Plastic clear heels. Once again, unless your name is Sapphire and your coworker’s name is Diamonique, these should not be in your closet. They are tacky, and they will make your feet sweat. Falling out your heels in the club because of sweaty feet makes not a sexy lady.

**Uggs. These things have the prefix “Ug” in them, yet they caught on as one of the biggest trends in the past couple of years. Groupthink is a b*tch. Unless you live in the arctic circle, find some other warm shoes to wear. What kills me even more are the people who wear Uggs with shorts. REALLY?? You’re just going to wear two conflicting seasons in ONE outfit? Find a mirror, sit down, and think about your life.

**Pants with words on the booty. There is no reason why someone who can drink should wear the pants that say “JUICY”, “SEXY” or “BOOTYLICIOUS” on it. Or MAYBE you got drunk, went to the mall and thought it was a good idea to proclaim your level of attractiveness to the world with a booty billboard. You are grown. Go get some slacks and dark denim.

**Finger waves. First, I have beef with the amount of gel it takes to even get this style to happen. 67% of all the ProStyl brown gel in the world is used to achieve this style, and it shows. Between the fake ripples it provides, and the sheer tackiness of this style, it is a shock to me that in ’08, some people still think it is a good idea to rock this. Plus, it is not the 1920s, you are NOT a flapper, and your name is not Mae West. I say no vehemently.

**Barrettes. Just as men are not allowed to rock beads, women should not be rocking those plastic barrettes that look adorable on 5 year olds. In fact, rocking a style that calls for barrettes makes you overgrown. But then again, people who want to wear barrettes will find an excuse to wear them either way. If the spirit moves you to do so, go get an exorcism.

**Hair hats. I’m not inherently against weaves and wigs. However, I am against weaves/wigs that look like hats that are made of hair. They are the ones that look like they were just placed there, and a strong gust of wind may render the wearer hairless. People, there are MANY good weaves and wigs. Find em. Wear them. Love them. (Hair hat is a phrase created by one of my BFFs KindredSmile).

What is sad is the fact that I felt the need to write this post. All of the above has been exhibited by an overgrown woman at one point. Ladies, we MUST do and wear better.

What say you folks? Did I miss anything??

Related posts:

1. Things Grown Men Should NOT Wear
2. Things Grown People Should NOT Wear
3. iDont wear makeup enough
4. People Who Wear Shades Indoors
5. Men Women Should Avoid