Awesomely Luvvie » Rants

Dear Kelis, You’re Tryna Get HOW MUCH?

Luvvie — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 14:00:00 +0000

The letter below was originally posted August 24th, 2009. But wanted to repost because of the new developments.Nas now owes Kelis over $300,000. GAHTDAMB! If all she gon do with that money is continue to look like a cracked out Statue of Liberty, I disapprove! Messing with Kelis, Nas’ Rush Card don got deactivated. Po’ thang can’t e’en get a nice Coogi ‘fit for homecoming now.

Antywho, ENJOY!

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I’mo kick off the week with a sternly-worded letter because I’m about 2 weeks overdue for one. This week’s recipient is Kelis “I Hate you so much right now” Jones. I’ve always thought she was Vice-President of the “Don’t Curl all the way over” Club. I jammed to “Milkshake” but I can’t say I’ve been a fan of hers. Neither did I dislike her. She was squarely in my “People I’m indifferent about” box. Until now…

Dear Kelis,

So you and Nas are no longer together, and it’s clear it wasn’t amicable. But in the words of Saaphyri: you mad, huh? You’re requesting $95,000 a month from him for you and Knight to live off of, and I think you are OFFICIALLY doing too much. I’m all for alimony and all that good stuff, and I know you are more than his baby mama. You were his wife, married in holy matrimony and everything. BUT, you are being REAL extra.

Who do you think you are, Kelis? Ain’t like you found where Carmen Sandiego is OR spotted Waldo. Ain’t like you found Whoopi’s eyebrows, Stevie’s hairline or Sherri Shepherd’s hips! You aint reconstruct Drake’s knees! $95k! PSHT! You know how many NEW ACLs that is?? To top it off, you weren’t ‘bout that freedom like Harriet! You ain’t free millions in the Underground! Who you thank you is, demanding $95K? The nerve! Give Nas us free!

You are RUDE!

If I was the judge, I’d hold you in contempt of court for the foolery and greed. Just because y’all aren’t together doesn’t mean you have to fiscally rape the man. It’s not like you gon use the $95,000 for something decent anyway. All you gon’ do is buy a collection of tacky viscose & polyurethane leggings, bad hair dye and 1,000 Gordon Gartrell shirts. SAT the hell Down, Kelis!

You know you’ve lost it when:

You’re demanding $95,000 when you know that’s all the money in Nas’ ING Orange Savings account

You make Robin Givens look like she “Got Her Own”

Heather Mills’ wants to slap you with her fake leg, saying in her English accent “Kelis, you’ve taken it TOO FAH!”

Shoot, Russell “Dragging lip” Simmons is only paying Kimora Lee $40k a month and they have TWO kids together. Plus, them kids got Asian (not Indian) in they family o_O. Plus they model and earn their keep. What has Knight done to earn his 95K? He can’t even defeat Voldemort or fight off dementors, and you’re axing (yes, axing) for almost $100K. #HeAin’tHarry.

When you asked for all that money, Nas shoulda hollered “$95,000 DEEZ!!!” and went “giggity giggity” *pelvic thrust*. I may help him start a movement with “$95K DEEZ” tshirts. Who’s joining me?

I ain’t never bought one of your albums but I know I’m not now. Only thang my $17 can do is buy four S-Curl kits for Knight. iCan’t. Kelis, you aint invent the elevator like Otis! You got some NERVE asking for $95000! You and your rainbow brite hairdo need a “Fool Saddown” gift basket. I may even throw in a “Get a job” Body butter because I’m giving like that.

Nas is gonna need more than one mic now. He may need a Chapter 11 bankruptcy lawyer. On behalf of the Alliance of Women with Sense (AWWS), I demand your Yaya sisterhood sweater (with the patch on the left breast) and pin back ASAP. We will send you the self-addressed envelope and everything!

Kthxbai,

LuvBug

P.S. I bet Nas is somewhere screaming “I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.”

Old Man on Bus vs. Me

Luvvie — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 05:15:00 +0000

If I wasn’t the person that I am, you probably would have heard a national news story (with accompanying eyewitness YouTube vidjo because you know someone always catches it) about an “angry Black woman who put a beat down on a poor old man.” Yes, I’d be somewhere behind bars with Remy Ma and Da Brat right now. The news story would go: “Co-founder of The Red Pump Project was on TV one week for the good her organization has done. That has all come spiraling down, as she is currently in custody for… how can we say this… Giving an old man a Tugaloo, Mississippi ass whooping.”

So here’s what happened:

Yesterday was one of those days that just sucked. I was the opposite of King Midas. Everything I touched and did turned to ashes, not gold. Superwoman was tired. I just wanted to cuss and rock back and fo’th in a corner in peace. I made a costly mistake at work and kind of felt inadequate. Then Red Pump stuff was stressing me out. our show is in 9 days and pre-show jitters is settling in. I wanna make sure I’ve crossed all my t’s and dotted my i’s. All I wanted was some peace and quiet. The only time I’m ever by myself is on my commute to and from work.

Anywho… when I got on the bus, it wasn’t packed at all. But I sat up front (in the priority seats), like I do sometimes. I was so engrossed in my classic literature book Blackberry that I completely missed that the bus was filling up quickly. Turns out that there was an old man standing in front of me, but I didn’t see him though. Next thing I know, I hear a voice directed at me YELLING that I’m rude for not standing for old people. This guy had to be no less than 80 and was furious! Eyes bulging out. I’m sure his blood pressure was on 1000/400.

Of course this throws me off, but I’m like “He’s old. Let me just offer him this seat and go about my business.” so I say “Wanna seat?”

Him: “No! It’s too late!!! *keeps yelling*
Me: “So… Do you don’t want a seat?”
Him: *getting more and more livid and yelling some more* NO! blah blah blah gooblegook

Sidenote: My mama raised me well. as a Nigerian, our culture is very focused on respect of the elderly. I’m no disrespectful fool. Of course, I stand for old people on the bus.

At this point, he starts sounding like the teacher from Charlie Brown and I tune him out. Until…

Him: “People just have no respect. You see all these older people on the bus and stay seated. You passive-aggressive bitch!”

*SCREECH*

HOLD YOUR GAHTDAMB HORSES!!! WHO THE F*CK ARE YOU TALMTO, YOU DUSTY DEGENERATE??? (Yes, I just explicitly cursed on my blog. Y’all know I don’t do that. THIS sitch calls for it.)

This bastard looks like Christ’s bully. Like his dandruff was the sand in the desert Moses walked through tryna get his people to the promised land!! Homeboy was Jesus’ social studies tutor. I bet his essence smells like Eau de BenGay. BITCH!!! There’s a reason you only got 2 teeth in your mouth. Aging gracefully clearly skipped a generation. Classless ass wonder. Guess I’ll be bitter as hell if I grew up to look like Robin Williams in bad makeup.

If this is your Grandpa, tell him to sat his ornery ass down. Someone else woulda hurt him BAD. Yes, I surely did take his picture. WITH my Blackberry camera which doesn’t have a mute button.

iSweafoLAWD if I had nothing to lose, I’da went ALL THE WAY IN!!! I just didn’t want to be responsible for some old fossil croaking after I cursed him and his ancestors out. BITCH you don’t know me from Adam, Eve, Deuteuronomy OR Meshack. Yes, you may be old enough to have written them but you just don’t KNOW!

Jesus held my mule and my tongue. I knew if I said something, I wouldn’t stop. So I did the next best thing. I stayed seated (petty, I know. Let me be) and stared him down. Not just glances. That piercing stare that he couldn’t even hold. I think I may have turned half his face to stone.

This geriatric coulda been mollywopped from here to his nursing home!!! iCan’t. I just CANNOT. Some old people really do abuse that whole “age” thing. UGH!

P.S. BASTID! CLASSLESS WONDER! NONENTITY! BELLIGERENT DUMMY

P.P.S. Yo MAMA!

Luv Bulletins
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* I’m appearing on Santita Jackson’s radio show on WVON (1690 AM in Chicago) this morning at 10:30 CST to talk about The Red Pump Project. Even if you’re not in Chicago, you can listen to it. It streams online at http://www.wvon.com. Tune in!

* Tonight, I’ll be on a BlogTalk Radio with some blogging superstars! It’s OneChele’s show, featuring Thembi, AverageBro, Slim Jackson and MEEEE!!! 8pm CST, 9pm EST. You won’t want to miss this! Just go HERE at that time! It shall be epic.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Getchu a piece of this segzy, chocolate leprechaun!

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Jesus Had Haters. YOU Have Side-eye Givers

Luvvie — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 05:00:00 +0000

You know who annoys the heck outta me? People who always talk about how they got haters. Reg’lah ass people too. If I come across one more Facebook status talmbout “Haters are mad right now. They see me up there.” What haters??? Up where??? Who are you? Why are you on my friends’ list?

If your status message on Facebook is currently talmbout someone hating on you, please go sat the hell down. There’s no big plot against you. You’re just not that important. You having a “hater” doesn’t mean you’re a big deal. Everyone has a “hater.” Yours aren’t significant enough to warrant that dumbass status message. In fact, you DON’T have haters. You have people who give you the side-eye.

Like really. If you call yourself an adult and STAY talmbout your “haters,” you need a hobby. Or go cash in your 401(k) or something. You clearly need a vacay. Sorry. Adults with 401(k)s don’t have time to be worried about these imaginary ass haters. They’re on the TRUE grustle (grind and hustle).

All these belligerent dummies talmbout “You aint nobody unless you got a hater.” If you ASPIRE to have haters because it’s your way of validation, I hope a plague of Gigli marathons on you. #TakeThat. Besides fool, you ain’t got no BENEFITS! What are folks hating on? The next person to talk about them having haters better have a stock portfolio or an IRA acct. If not, they need to shat the fock up. All the folks with statuses talmbout “haters” don’t even own property. Their credit score is prolly their weight O__o. They prolly couldnt even get a Rush Card. #BishPLEASE

What’s even worse is when people say “Even Jesus had haters.” I jus wanna roundhouse kick them in the thoat (yes, THOAT). Only thing they got in common with Christ is ATOMIC MAKEUP. Yes, Jesus had haters, but YOU don’t. You just got people who don’t give four dambs about your life so you’re mad. There’s a difference.

Jesus had haters. YOU ain’t got haters. You got folks who call you out on your #HoShit and hoodrattedness. There’s a distinction. Judas was a hater. The dude in the club that was hitting on your woman is NOT a hater. A slore, maybe. A hater? Naw.

Jesus is prolly somewhere like “I wish these folks could know what having a TRUE hater was like. They NAILED ME ON A CROSS! You fools ain’t got haters. My hater got me CRUCIFIED! Yours got your name scratched off the club VIP list. My hater made me wear a crown of thorns! Thou shalt saddown.”

Everyone has a naysayer. Everyone doesn’t have a “hater.” To have a hater, you gotta actually be… how can I say this… DOING SOMETHING. MLK Jr. and the Black Panther had haters. You just got folks who are apathetic about your mediocre life. The following people also had haters: Joan of Arc, JFK, Archduke Ferdinand, Bobby Seals, Assata Shakur, Malcolm X. You don’t have a hater. You just have people who couldnt care LESS bout your subpar-hood, and find your ratchetness to be ridiculous. Please know they are separate entities.

People who think they’ve got “haters” watching them have seen the Truman Show one too many times. Your life isn’t THAT interesting. People who focus on their “haters” have my side-eye on 10! For you to have a hater, your mama can’t be the only person who thinks you’re dope. She’ont count. OTHERS must gibbadamb too. #JustSaying

No I don’t see you. Wearing these on your feet STILL doesn’t make you important. In fact, for you to go get them customized means your shaky ass pedestal needs to be kicked. (I found these HERE. If any of y’all buy a pair, I demand a pic so I can roast you.)

The following people are disqualified from ever saying they have “haters:”

If you need a co-signer to get a PayDay loan, you dont qualify as having “haters.” You need good credit to have a hater. #YupItsTrue

If you have a myspace page talmbout “I got haters” please press ctrl, alt, del and forcefully log off the innawebs.

If you’re a grown man still living with your mama, you ain’t got haters. You’ve got people who are CONCERNED about your social development because something’s wrong.

If you’re a grown woman with dunlap syndrome (your stomach dun lapped over your belt) STILL wearing low ride jeans and cropped tops, you don’t have haters. Just folks who feel visually offended.

If you have multiple baby mamas in the SAME YEAR, you don’t have haters. You have folks concerned about public health because you don’t use condoms. Ghetto twins are NOT what’s lukewarm in the boulevard.

If the ONLY job you have pays you by cash, you don’t have haters. You have people wondering why your grown ass doesn’t wanna leave a trace.

If you call yourself a business man, but dont nobody know what you do like Tommy from Martin, you ain’t got haters. You’ve got inquisitors.

If you’re always rocking Louis Vuitton but still sleeping on your BFF’s couch, you’ont got haters. You got folks concerned about your unbalanced economics.

If you’re a grown woman calling yourself “Barbie,” you don’t have haters. You have people who are perplexed about your maturity, and wondering what stage on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs you’re stuck on.

If any of the above applies to you, you are not allowed to talk about having “haters” because they don’t exist. You just have an overactive imagination and watched too much Barney growing up. Go saddown and quit harping on these “haters” you ain’t got. Maybe if you cared less about these haters, you’d have something to hate on. POW!

There are few things more annoying than someone whose life is PERMEATED by mediocrity, thinking they’re important enough for haters.

P.S. I’m not a hater, I just roast a lot.

P.P.S. Hate DEEZ!

Everyone has a show… even Mo’Nique

Luvvie — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 05:15:00 +0000

I’m still in Boofooville, USA for this conference. The city is small, but my hotel is nice. I could cartwheel, *WALL SLIDE* and do the Bro Franklin all up in my room. That’s how big it is. iDigs it. Plus the free WiFi in my room got a *fist pump* from me. But yeah, y’all know I can’t stay away for too long. So iBlogged.

So here’s the thing. I’ve never had ambitions of fame. As much of a loudmouth that I am, I’ve never wanted to have my grill plastered everywhere. I’m the fool that sees family videos of myself and run out the room in embarrassment. I don’t like watching myself. Shoot, iWince and cover my eyes everytime I see my *WALL SLIDE* video.

BUT… I’m a tad bit offended that ain’t nobody offered me a show yet. Everyone and their mama has a show nowadays and ain’t nobody tried to put me on yet??? This was spurred by me watching Mo’Nique’s show the other night. Mo’Nique’s claim to fame has been hating on us skinty bishes, and being loud for no reason. Well, her talk show was no different. She spent the entire hour shrieking at random octaves. I wanted to jump through the TV and dropkick her in the throat and tell her to SHARRAP!!! On a good note though, her hairhat was looking right. They got her that premium Yaki 45. Methinks most of the show’s budget went into it. Oh, that and her spanx. She was all squozed under something in that dress of hers.

Sidenote: Funny that Mo’Nique has spent all her life saying how skinty bishes are the devil, yet she’s losing weight now. Too bad she’s lost weight but her head is still the size it used to be. The “She more lolly. Got more head than she got body” syndrome is not good on her.

<-- See her hairy legs? This is offensive and RUDE.

But yeah, her show sucked and I just wanted to watch it that one time so I could form an opinion on it. Besides, it was shown on BET so I already expected it to be crap. You already know that Lucifer plays hopscotch in the BET parking lot. GET THEE BEHIND ME, Mama Tina!!!

This just goes to FURTHER prove my point that it is RUDE that no one has offered me a show yet. So I’m outraged. Why? Cause…

Mo’Nique & her Magila Gorilla legs got a show. I shave reg’lahly & aint nobody featured MY legs on TV (Rudeness)

Frankie, Neffe, Junebug, Pookie, Man-Man ALL got shows. But aint nobody paid me to ack a fool on TV yet? (Unfair)

Real, Chance, Kate Gosselin (& her backwards mullet) got shows but my mug aint on the small screen getting paid (No justice, no peace)

I’m cute as a button & ain’t nobody picked up “Behind the IG”. Yet Tiny’s “Nightmare on Elm St” looking ass is on TV (We Shall Overcome)

All of my teefs is mine. AND they straight. AND white. Yet Frankie got a visual soapbox. If Frankie’s Dentures get a show next, iQuit everything! (Ish ain’t right if Crack wins)

My uterus doesn’t echo, yet Neffe got a half hour each week dedicated to her. Where’s MY show? (I call Bullish)

Khloe Kardashian has her own show. I don’t make folks scream “Godzirra!” when they see me and ain’t nobody featured me yet. (HMPH!)

See? NOT COOL! Well, maybe it’s best I don’t have my own show. I may have to leave all my smarts and couth at the door and I don’t think I could do that. But dang, someone could at least OFFER! HMPH!

Well, maybe I wouldn’t have to shame my mama. I could just have a show that was the video version of this blog, with me roasting folks to pieces in realtime. Yes… yes… excellent. Who would watch? It’d be me just cracking myself up with 1 viewer.

Would y’all watch my show? No??? Fine… I ain’t like you NO way!! *pouts*

Edit: HELL TO THE NAW! Eddie Griffin has his own show too??????? This is officially ridiculous. He ain’t been relevant since… well, ever! How did he pull that? iCan’t.

I Hate Bad Blogging

Luvvie — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:30:00 +0000

I shall post my “Do’s and Don’ts of Blogging” tomorrow, but here’s a relevant entry from my compadre, Slim Jackson of Three Ways to Take It. We were having a conversation about how we’re both some Blog Snobs, and I asked him to grace my eCrib with his opinions on some things that bloggers do that are MAD annoying. So enjoy.

Oh, and follow him on Twitter at @SlimJackson. He rocks socks and ish.

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I Hate Bad Blogging

I been doin’ this blog thing officially since like June of 2008. I had a Myspace blog prior to that, but I’m ashamed to admit anything that I’ve done on there because there ain’t nothin’ good about reppin’ the slums of the internet. I remember when I made the transition to a blog on a real platform (WordPress). Writing, which has always been one of my past times, quickly became an addiction. I’ve gotten lost in this Internet world, but do not fret, for I actually have a personality in real life. Like most addictions, they make you feel good on some level. And as is the case with most addictions, they cause you all sorts of obvious or not so obvious strife and headaches.

Bad blogging pisses Slim Jackson off this much

Now in addition to being a blog addict (You’ll see why shortly), I’m also a blog snob of sorts. So imagine me mindin’ my own business and gettin’ my fix on the internet, and then someone comes along and fux up my high. The folks messin’ with my buzz can be other writers, commenting peeps, social media junkies (i.e. Twitter heads), and so on. Over the last 4-6 months, a lot of things have crashed my party and I.Don’t.Effin.Like.It. So for today, in honor of my addiction and disdain for those things that taint it (I still giggle at the word “taint”), I’m going to present my list of Things I Hate About Blog/E-World. Man, this is gonna be therapeutic…

Blog Beef & E-Thugs

I was hopin’ that this was a phenomenon limited to Youtube videos about anything and AOL chat rooms, but I’ve been proven wrong. Why is it that at least once a week when I go on my Twitter page that I see at least one person goin’ hard at someone claimin’ that there blog is better or that they got more followers? The ish reminds me of away message/status update wars from years back. And why does it always gotta be hip hop people? It’s a sad day when street cred and e-cred start to carry equal weight. Real thugs don’t Tweet, they bust guns. I recently saw someone dedicate a 1,000 word post to another blogger they hate about why they don’t like them. That’s a waste of keystrokes and brain cells. Grow the eff up. Take that ish back to Youtube and Myspace where it belongs. Bastards.

Luvvie’s Note: Don’t even get me started on the belligerent dummies who engage in this foolery.

“First!” Commenters

Whether it’s my site or one that I frequent, I HATE when people sit there at midnight waitin’ for the post to go up so that they can type the dreaded and meaningless 1 word comment with nothin’ else to contribute afterward. Sadly, I fear that for some people this is a major accomplishment in their life. It’s like they lost all their races in gym class in elementary school and this is their chance to shine. One day someone’s gonna do this on my site and I’m gonna move their comment down the page and really eff up their day. I.Crush.Dreams.

~~Abuse of the Strike-Through~~

See, the strike-through is a great tool when used wisely. It can deliver the punchline of a great joke or add a thought that otherwise wouldn’t work in the post/entry. For some people, it’s as overused and abused as autotune. And when I hear autotune, I think of T-Pain. When I think of T-Pain, I think of ugly. When I think of ugly, I leave. And when I leave, I tell other people not to go there like it’s a sh*tty chain restaurant. That simple.

Luvvie’s note: Yeah I’ve seen a blog written that was half strikethroughs. I wanted to jump through the screen and kick the author in the shin. That is all. Carry on.

Spell Check Deficiencies

I know folks are human. I don’t expect people to be error free, but damn. Can you just read through your sh*t one time before you hit the post button? Would you email a potential employer without proofreading it? Well, then don’t put that garbage in front of my eyes! Writing is a craft. Don’t disrespect it.

Luvvie’s Note: iCan’t even deal with this.

Having to Hide My Identity

Nope. My real name is not Slim Jackson. I have a day job which I can’t afford to lose. As much as I’d like to think that the man isn’t tryin’ to hold me down, I know he’s watchin’. I can’t even have a cool avatar that resembles me without worrying (I’m hating on you Luvvie). I’m no superhero, but sometimes I feel like Batman or another masked crusader. It gets hot and sweaty under here and sometimes I really wanna take this ish off. Maybe that opportunity will come one day, but not today. Until then, I will continue to lurk in the shadows of the e-world with some dramatic music playin’ wherever I go. But if you do see me and recognize me, it’s not me. It’s just Wesley Snipes dressed as Blade. By the way, is he still in jail?

Luvvie’s Note: Slim, don’t be jealous my avatar gives LIFE since it looks just like me. Shooo…

What things piss you off about the blog world or people online in general? I know we all got peeves. Let’s get therapeutic today and speak on ‘em.

Slim “Some things just piss me off” Jackson

Dear Bitter Broads

Luvvie — Thu, 28 May 2009 05:00:00 +0000

Today has been proclaimed “Angsty Thursday” by me (also known as “weekday” here on AweLuv), so across the blogs of the ePosse and the IGs, people are posting about people or things that piss them off. Also participating in Angsty Thursday is House of IG, NaturallyAlise, PBG and KindredSmile. Well this week’s sternly-worded letter is dedicated to Bitter ~~B*tches~~ Broads who Brood. Everyone knows at least one. That person who is not invited to group outings because she doesn’t know how to play well with others. Or the person you’re afraid to tell good news to because they act like it’s a personal affront to them for you to be happy. You get a new boo, they tell you “He’s probably cheating”. Someone compliments you on your cute shoes, she goes “Hmph. I don’t buy cheap stuff.” Yes THEM.

Dear Bitter Broads,

What happened? Where you just not hugged enough as a child? Were you weaned off breastmilk too soon? On Maslow’s Hierachy of Needs, there isn’t a category for “Hugs” and I think there oughta be, somewhere between esteem and self-actualization. This need shows as people grow up to be maladjusted adults.

Why do you walk around life with a perpetual storm cloud over your head, as if life were an allergy commercial BEFORE medication (all blurry and sepia-toned)? And know that I’m not talking about those that are clinically depressed. I’m talking about you, the fool who willingly broods for no reason. In fact, when you have no reason to be mad, you go find one. Oh poor you! You can only vacay in Miami this spring break? Let me *wall slide* in your honor cuz surely you musn’t be loved since France is where you wanted to be *side eye o_0*.

In fact, I don’t care if you’re dragging your feet around town like the Mammy from Tom N Jerry (remember her and her slacked socks? Turrble!). Must you share your bad cheer with everyone ALL the time? Your misery seems to love company and you are forever having a gloom and doom party.

Me: “YAYY!! I found $4 in my jean pocket!”

Bitter Broad: “You probably gon forget you found it anyway and lose it. What’s the use?”

DAYUM! Who pissed in YOUR breakfast cereal (as opposed to, you know, throughout the day cereal)? Folks can’t even tell you good news without you R. Kellying it up (golden shower). Dang! Loosen up, tightwad! You are a walking wet blanket, leaving a danky trail everywhere you go. Your entire aura is murky, like the color of dirty cheetos water (like the demonstration they did in Sex Ed where they put cheetos in water and said “When you have sex with somebody, you’re having sex with everyone THEY everh ad sex with.” Class: “WTF?” But iDigress).

Your bitterness transfers to all facets of your life too, making you a bad friend. With bitter comes selfish, tactless and overall disregard for others. Your mean ass being the resident Blunt Barbara is not “being real”, as you like to call it. You’re just an unabashed a-hole with no joie de vivre. With friends like you, who needs Facebook haters? *chuckles*

Your negativity permeates everything and is starting to embed itself in your face. No 20-something should have frown lines. Male or female, contempt and disdain as a way of life will make you ugly (a word I don’t like to use), no matter how cute you are.

And you wearing your “I don’t have many friends or associates” status as a trophy does not make you cool or show that you can stand by yourself. It just shows that people don’t want to be around you because of your pessimistic view of life. When you look around one day and realized you’ve pushed away everyone who ever cared for you, please know it wasn’t them. It was you. You didn’t only burn your bridges, but you blew them suckas UP! I hope you and your 15 cats enjoy each other’s company. But then again. The cats may run away.

That chip on your shoulder is bigger than Mama Re-Re’s bra closet. iCan’t with you and you have no room in my lifespace. I can do bad all by myself, thankyouverymuch. Please pack your belongings and vamoose. Nope, nope. I already packed them for you. They are waiting by the door for you. The bus to the Land of Abandoned People will be here in 5 minutes. Don’t miss it.

Go sat down and think about your life. Truly decide if it’s so bad that you spend 90% of your time being a Debbie Downer. Jeebs be some gratefulness for you. Instead of walking around in a permanent state of angst and mad about life, please say a prayer of “Thanks” to God and know you are better off than a lot of folks. HMPH. Ol’ Crabs in a Barrel Face.

So Sinsurrly,

Luvvie (but not so Dovey today)

***Reads letter*** D*mn! I kinda went off a little bit, ain’t I?

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Africa is Geography’s DMX

Luvvie — Tue, 26 May 2009 05:00:00 +0000

The other night, after watching the 10pm news on ABC, “Nightline” came on. I’m not a fan of that show, so I typically don’t watch it. Due to the fact that the remote control wasn’t within arm’s reach of me, and my sheer laziness, I sat there and watched “Nightline” come on.

The topic was an exposé on African children who are accused of witchcraft, and I sat there knowing I would not be pleased at all with what I was about to see but I watched anyway. They showed children that were crying while being told by their parents that they had evil spirits in them that they had to be exorcised. Then there was the part where they showed a child that had hot wax poured on him for his “exorcism”. This was just one of the many instances of foolishness. While they were rebuking the children of their supposed witchcraft, iRebuked THEM. After watching about 15 minutes of the show, I was pretty much done. DONE, I say!

iCan’t with the American media and their intrigue with seemingly uncivilized Africans. Between the Discovery Channel, National Geographic and these “investigative reporters”, Africa’s rap sheet is worse than DMX’s. We only seem to be only interested in the Africa that’s disease-ridden, poverty-stricken and with no sense of modern day living. The kids with the dusty hair and flies buzzing around their heads are apparently what’s lukewarm in the gutters. Let the media tell it, no one in Africa thinks bras exist. All they ever show are the women with the foot tits & men with the pinocchio wee wees. Unacceptable!

It’s on some “Crikey! Let’s watch the African in his natural habitat” crap. And the journalist who covers these stories is always a skinny white guy who “cares”. King Kong called. He wants his complex back (HI-YO!) That is a different post all by itself.

I’m not saying they ought not show the jungles of Africa and the people who wear fig leaves and nothing else. However, it should not be the only part of Africa that is everywhere. Methinks the flat views of Africa is ridiculous, misleading and counterproductive. Have you ever seen a special about the continent that was about city life? Hell, show ONE house that isn’t made of mud and I may be slightly appeased. Jeebs be some different viewpoints for the media & Africa. HMPH!

This 1-dimensional view of Africa in the media is part of the reason why when I was in elementary school, kids would ask me the dumbest questions. Since it was before I became the snark-master I am today, I never really replied. I should have responded with equally ignorant ish like “Does your Trailer Park blow away when it gets really windy?” or “Is your mom also your aunt?” But no, I was still un-IG and kind of shy. Then there were the idiots who used to be like “Luvvie, Mon!!” Me: *thinking* Look here, you fire-haired braceface! I’m not Jamaican.

Too bad that elementary school kids were not the only people who had ignorant questions for me. Some of the ones below have been asked by adults! Here’s the top 5.

Foolish Rants from My Foolish Friends

Luvvie — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 18:19:00 +0000

Sometimes, we are so disturbed by certain subjects that they end in rants of Ig. Here are some.

“Eeewww trick daddy looks like he got a yet to be discovered strain of the VeeDee. He jus sounds like his mouth harbors weapons of mass diseases. From now on, we shall call “him” yuck mouth. He looks like his toothpaste needs to be CLOROX. I actually think he could clean up well if he jus changed some hygiene thangs like de-licing his beard etc.” — Queen Ig
——————
VernaJean: “Sheridan Park Apartments…run it down for me”
KindredSmile: “Sheridan Park Apartments: a historic building located near Wilson and Broadway, home to several homeless shelters, crackhouses, and an awesome beauty supply store. However, the highlight of the neighborhood is the local insane asylum, where residents deemed “kindacrazy” are given permission to roam the the neighborhood for 4 hrs at a time.”
——————–
“Ya know…Deelishus DOES sort of look like Jerome Bettis!! But then again…she sort of looks like a man in general. It’s something about those cheekbones! I mean I love her…but I swear she’s hiding an Adam’s apple. Bootz looked sooo nice but she a DAMN LIE when she says she’s celibate!! Her sugar walls have surely disintegrated and it’s gonna take some years to build them shits back up.” — R. Rodney
——————-
“He was SOOO cute!! But then again, the people around him weren’t so hot so I wanna see if I still think he looks so good when he’s around regular people. I mean, it’s like a rose in a field of dandelions, so it’s not a good comparison.” — Jamison

My friends. Gotta love ‘em.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Facebook

Luvvie — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 03:05:00 +0000

I’ve been gone for a minute, now I’m back it’s the JUMP OFF (lol excuse my bout of urban youthery. I couldn’t help myself).

Anyway, it’s been a while since I wrote a note, and I didn’t watch the BET HIP Hop Awards because I wanted to hold on to the few brain cells I have left that aren’t gone, from my obsession with reality TV, my inability to stay away from crappy award shows, and the countless hours I spend in front of this white light I call a monitor.

Facebook is like my alcohol. Addictive, can be a GREAT time, but some people don’t know how to use it properly.

1. ALBUMS

Call me Type A, but I HATE when people put up albums of their vacations, and out of 60 pictures, 45 is of them in the SAME SPOT, in the SAME POSE. Umm, can’t you just pic your top 5 identical pictures to put in the album, instead of ALL the ones you took trying to get it the pic JUST RIGHT?? And then, they have the nerve to have 4 albums dedicated to the 2 day vacay, when the TOTAL number of interesting pictures is like 10, lol. Redundancy at its WORST. EDIT, people, EDIT!!

Also, people who have 35 albums, all of which have no more than 20 pictures. For all that is GOOD space, can you just condense the number of albums by making each one have 60 pictures?? SHEESH!!!

2. APPLICATIONS

When applications first started, I sat back for 2 weeks before adding my first one because I was a bit iffy about them. I currently have a very respectable 6 applications on my profile, but I’ve balanced them well because my left and right pane are pretty equal to one another. What I HATE is going on someone’s profile and seeing they have no less than 15 apps. ALL of which happens to be on the right side of the profile. So I’m scrolling for DAYS, and by the time I get to their wall to write what I had to say, 3 things have happened:

a. I’ve forgotten what I wanted to say
2. My eyes are now fully dilated from over-stimulation
3a. I now suffer from carpal tunnel synndrome

DAMN ALL YOU APPLICATION WHORES!! lol I’ve already threatened many of my friends because of this.

3. SOAP OPERAS

I actually LOVE this part of Facebook. What I refer to are the note wars and the ever-changing relationship statuses. I’ve seen some AWESOME notewars that made me just pull up a chair with a big bag of Garrett’s Caramel Popcorn as I “oohhed” and “aahhed” and “OOHHH NO SHE DIDNT SAY THAT” for hours!! I mean, juicy ass fights that made me call my gurls and be like “GUUURRRLLL did you see what *** wrote bout ****?” Call me jobless but I thoroughly enjoy them because people INVITE me into their business and their crises, no matter how petty.

And relationship statuses that change are SO AWESOME!! Newsfeed be like “Girl-in-love-with-boo-and-has-5-albums-caking-to prove-it is no longer ENGAGED*. Me: “Well SHUT MY MOUTH WIDE OPEN!! I thought his name was tattooed on her neck!! What she gon do now??” lol Then the next day, her relationship status has changed to “its complicated”. Me: “Ohh they must be working it out”. Then after like 5 more changes to the relationship status, it becomes SINGLE, accompanied by a bitter status message.

I’m sorry, but I find these situations hilarious. Not the situations itself, but people who feel the need to give THE WHOLE WORLD a 24-hr key to their livelihood. There are about 1,000 friends and associates on my friends list, and not even a FRACTION know my current state of mind. Why?? Because I don’t feel the need to share my relationships, problems and crises with the entire Facebook population. This is a public domain, and there is no need for everyone to know who I’m beefing with or how shaky any of my relationships are.

To make matters worse, the people who put ALL their business out on the streets are the main ones who be like “Why are people all in my business?” and “Haters need to fall back because my man is blah blah blah *insert stupidity here*” First of all, don’t leave your bedroom door open while having sex and wonder why folks are watching. <—-BAD METAPHOR BUT STILL. Second of all, you ain’t got to lie to kick it. If you’re an attention slut, which most people who do this ARE, just admit it. You ENJOY people writing on your wall saying “I’m sorry to hear that girl. I knew he was NO GOOD”. And the next day when you’re back with him, that person is looking like Boo Boo the Fool. Because of Facebook (and the advent of Newsfeeds), I know which BFFs are now mortal enemies, who’s a serial monogamist (and needs to come up for air before claiming yet ANOTHER man as “HUBBY”) and everything else in between. So for that (and the “Scrabulous” application), I say THANK YOU, Zuckerberg.

Another CRAPPY Awards Show

Luvvie — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 03:21:00 +0000

So tonight was the much-hyped MTV Video Music Awards, and as always, it didn’t live up to it. The hype was so big that anything short of Michael Jackson coming out in the show with a black face would have made it disappointing. However, there was much help from the crappy show logistics, performances, and overall WACKNESS (for lack of a better term)!

LOGISTICS
————–
This show seemed to be less about giving out awards, and more about MTV making up for their lack of actually showing videos on the channel.

**Doing TOO much** — So clearly, the MTV folks wanted to do a different show this year, and it was just a bit TOO different. They had little mini parties going on in suites all over the Palm Resorts, and it really made the show incoherent and very disjointed. The 60 second peek into the performances that we were given became so annoying. Add to the fact that they kept showing the same four artists perform. By the end of the show, if I didn’t see Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, 50 Cent, and Kanye for AT LEAST a year, it’d be too soon. There were other performances in the suites (Rihanna’s seemed to be filmed in the dark, seeing as how I couldn’t see her the whole time; Some Rock bands also chose to holler a couple of times).

The format they used in showing nominations was basically a replication of what it looks like when you are trying to reset your VCR. It was obnoxious, and NOT innovative, as I’m sure they intended it to be.

**TABLES** — I did like the tables, which doubled into stages for the artists to perform. That is about ALL the praise I can give the producers of the VMAs.

PERFORMANCES
——————–
**Britney Spears** — This was supposed to be her comeback performance. Her shout to the world that the former Queen of Bubble Gum Pop is BACK, despite her recent scandals. Instead, this performance was LITERALLY shameful. I actually felt bad for her while watching it. First thing I saw when the camera got on her were the TRACKS to her horrendous weave. My mouth became loose at that point. Then I saw her getup, which was a glittery bra with matching boyshorts. However, after 2 kids, Shitney Spears’ tummy was shaking like Paris Hilton during an STD test. Her stomach was dancing better than she did. In fact, to call what Britney did “dancing” is an insult. She more or less moved from side to side while trying not to lose balance in her stripper shoes. Also, the look on her face was of pure boredom. She didn’t even look like she wanted to be there. THEN, her “singing” was non-existent. She didn’t even TRY to ACT like she wasn’t lip-synching. All in all, Spears’ performance was subpar, ridiculous, and (let’s face it) thoroughly embarassing. If this was a comeback performance, then Diddy is not an attention whore. WOMP.

**The Highlight** — The ONLY portion of the show that I enjoyed was Chris Brown’s performance. That boy can DANCE his way into R&B legend-hood! His dancing was so electric and so good that it made me forget the fact that he also lip-synched. But with that dancing, who cares if you can’t sing?? He thoroughly entertained me, and everyone in that awards because he received a standing ovation after his performance. I’m officially a HUGE fan of CB! *And he’s of legal age now (I saw his Sweet 18th on MTV)*

RANDOM
———–
**Sarah Silverman** — This chick’s monotone drone seemed to lull HER into a zombie-like stance herself. So imagine what I felt watching it. Some of the content in her comedic routine was alright, and semi-funny, but she delivers it so dryly that she sucks out ALL the potential funny in the damn joke. I couldn’t wait for her to get off the stage.

**Robo-woman** — I’m a huge fan of Alicia Keys, but her first venture on the camera, which was to present something unimportant, made me think of “Robo-woman”. She had on a leather bustier dress, and her hair was in a tight ponytail, and something about her makeup just felt “I-Robot”-ish. I still heart her though!

**Unpretty in Pink** — So Rihanna won some award (I already forgot which), and to accept her award, she came up there in this pink, strapless, floor-length gown. Umm, Ri-Ri, where did you think you were going?? A bad ’80s prom?? Yeah, that HAD to be it. But I just can’t seem to hate her. Damn her and her charm!!

**Benoncay & The Fony** — Benoncay is also someone I can’t seem to hate, BUT sometimes her choices are less than stellar. That non-matching phony pony on top of her head IRKED me to NO end. B, yo mama is a hairstylist and you are worth over $100 million. Why can’t you dye your FONY to match your hair?? I’m just saying!

**Drunk Foxx** — Jamie Foxx, I realize that you’re happy to be invited to the awards show since you’ve been low key, but why get so drunk that you lose all coherence? That fool was presenting with Jennifer Garner, and I swear, she wanted to just be like “shut the eff up already”. Jamie was drunker than a skunk, and surely acting like it. It was a mess.

**Mighty Mice** — Why did Dr. Dre and Timbaland both look like live-action Mighty Mouses (or should I say Mice)?? They have both lifted weights excessively recently, and they have the same swollen look that Mighty Mouse had. Dr. Dre was about to bust out that shmedium thermal shirt he had on, and Timbaland’s arms were bulging like mad.

AWARDS
———–
Umm, what awards?? All I remember is that Beyonce won one, and Rihanna won two. The rest of the awards were treated like they were so irrelevant to the point of the show that I can’t even remember them. OH I DO remember Fergie winning “Female Artist of the Year”, and I proceeded to openly cuss out MTV. How in the HOT HELL did that talentless wench win over B-Knowles?? MTV’s executives are officially smoking the same thing Amy Winehouse has for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

In conclusion, MTV can go kick rocks, and they need to fire EVERYONE that had something to do with this show. It was sooo PUTRID.