* On the Red Carpet, Angelina Jolie was looking like she got dragged out the house. And her hair was all poofy like she forgot to flat-iron it. Or maybe when she left the house it was fine and her and Brad Pitt decided to get it in on the way there. Either way, I wish she’d stop looking like someone forced her to go places.

* I love how the SAG Awards began with various actors and actresses talmbout how they got started. Amber Riley was one of them, and I love her so because of GLEE.

* Christopher Plummer won his first SAG Award ever, and that’s really surprising. I thought Captain Von Trapp woulda had a jillion by now. That man is at least 326 yrs old and he is STILL working and walking upright. I respect him.

Pic from www.facebook.com/essence

* Shoutout to The Help for winning big. Octavia Spencer, Viola Davis and the cast won awards and I was hella pleased. Plus Viola’s grecian dress was GORGEOUS! She was up there looking like a tall glass of milk with fudge on top. Just beautiful! And I know folks are side-eyeing the movie for winning so many accolades but I really liked it. Yes, it has the “white savior” angle and all that but I enjoyed it. It rocked. And I might be in the minority of minorities who’ve watched this movie.

Found this quote by Viola Davis from the August 2011 issue of Essence she was on the cover on.

“Of course I had trepidations. Why do I have to play the mammy? But what do you do as an actor if one of the most multifaceted and rich roles you’ve ever been given is a maid in 1962 Mississippi? Do you not take the role because you feel like in some ways it’s not a good message to send to Black people? No. The message is the quality of the work. That is the greater message… As Black women, we’re always given these seemingly devastating experiences – experiences that could absolutely break us. But what the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly. What we do as Black women is take the worst situations and create from that point.” – Viola Davis

So yes, I’m happy for the success of these amazing actresses. Here’s to hoping that in the future, Black folks get recognized for playing some roles that aren’t steeped in stereotypes.

* Betty White, the matron saint of hilarious geriatrics won an award. And like always, I wanted to throw a prayer cloth on Betty. Y’all know she’s the only Golden Girl left and we need to put her in prayer because I need her to live a very long time. I LOVE HER! Glad to see her win.

* Zoe Saldana‘s #alphet wasn’t e’em cute. Afrobella said it looked like she was “wearing a wifebeater under a glittery, sheer poncho.” It was Givenchy but she shoulda given it back. Hehehe see what I did there?

* Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy came onstage and made me cackle with their Scorcese drinking game. Melissa was chugging Grey Goose like a G! Gotta love the cast of Bridesmaids.

* It was perfect for Dick Van Dyke to present Mary Tyler Moore with the SAG Lifetime Achievement Award. A fact that I found out during their homage to her was that the capri pants she used to wear on their show was limited to one scene per show because it was considered too hot. Talk about some strides! Mary’s a trailblazer for female comedians so I have hella respect for her.

* The “In Memoriam” portion of the show informed me that Bubba Smith died. I had NO clue! And if I did, I must have repressed it. Man, that’s sad. Now I feel like going to watch all the Police Academy movies

* Apparently, one of my tweets showed up on the SAG Awards telecast. I guess they were showing some tweets that used the #SAGAwards hashtag and mine was one of them. 5 or 6 people tweeted me about it but being the busybody that I am, I missed it. I wished someone woulda gotten a screenshot of it but oh well. Still cool!

Did you watch? Whatchu think?

Related posts:

1. My 5 Thoughts on the Academy Awards
2. My Thoughts About Part 1 of the “Basketball Wives LA” Reunion
3. Two of My Blogs Are Finalists in the Black Weblog Awards!
4. Nominate AwesomelyLuvvie.com for the Black Weblog Awards
5. The 2007 BET Awards SUCKED!

Picked up our passes

The United Center was hella packed with all types of folks. White folks, Black folks, Young folks, Old Folks. Red folks, Blue folks, Green folks, Blue folks. Straight folks, Gay folks, Tacky folks, Cute Folks. ALL TYPES! The Rihanna Navy was in full-fledge. And so was the high heels struggles.

Folks were coming to the Rihanna concert dressed to the nines. By nines, I mean CLUB GAME PROPER! People were there to get CHOSE! Women were wearing their love pockets out for all to see. Rihanna’s concert ain’t the place to get a boo if you’re a straight woman, seeing as how there were very few straight men in the building. But I guess this is concert wear. I haven’t been to a concert in so long so I kinda forgot how folks be making sure they wear as little clothes as possible. I don’t enjoy concerts much as the average human. I prefer my music at levels that won’t blow out my eardrums. And I don’t like to stand in one place for hours, with my view obstructed because folks won’t sat the hell down. AND pay $100+ for these annoyances? No thanks. Me and my iPod will kicks it HARD! Although I will make some exceptions.

But this was not that, and it was with an artist I actually know most of her songs? AND I got to sit. WINNNN!!!

Also, the high heel struggle was SO REAL! People were wearing heels that they had no business being in or walking in. Many people were limping into the arena before the concert even started. Ma’ams… PUT ON SHOES YOU CAN WALK IN!!! OR bring flats you can change into (like I did). Rihanna ain’t gon see your feet so why the suffering? AND whatever look you were going for is irrelevant once you do the “My feet are hurting so bad” stutter step. Chile…

Afrobella

Anyway, so we got some food (that was overpriced, of course). One soda cost $6.50. MUTHAFUCKA FOR WHAT??? Does it suck itself through the straw and sing on your tastebuds??? NAWL. *hangs head* But we bought em though since we were quite parched. *shakes fists at smart ass capitalism* We had no other choice.

By the time we made it into the arena itself, after eating and people watching, we had missed the opening acts (J. Cole and B.o.B.). Our seats were in the VIP risers, which were like cushioned loveseats, so we were pleased.

15 or so minutes after we settled in, the lights went off in the arena and the stage lights came on. The place ERUPTED into cheers!

It was RIHANNA TIME!!!

Ri-Ri came on the stage after a decent intro. Her stage setup was DOPE!!!

Rihanna's stage set up. All Lights Everything!

She came out to “Only Girl in the World.” Her outfit was a blue shiny short trench with hot pink heels, with her red curly wig, which I’m getting used to. By the 2nd song (“Disturbia“) the trench was off. I was rocking.

And yes, she did sound good. Rihanna’s gotten some vocal training, y’all. No doubt about it. She sang live and it was pretty good. But all I kept thinking “Dang. When did Rihanna get thick like this?” Y’all know I’m shallow. Once the trench came off and I saw #ThemThighs. Ri-Ri is thicker than a snicka. I ain’t gon LAH!

#Ennehweighs, then she did a coupla more songs, which included “Man Down.” THIS is where I acted a fool. THAT IS MY SONG!!! The moment I heard it a coupla weeks back, I loved everything bout it. It’s been on repeat on my iPod so when she was singing it live, I stood up and did a reggae two-step. YESSSSSSS!!!

She changed and then did a cover of Prince’s “Darling Nikki.” This is where she started getting sexy ratchet. The stage had 2 stripper poles on it and Rihanna had on a suit. By the end of the song, she was in a white onesie and gave a female fan a lapdance. The crowd went NUTS.

Then, Patrice looks over to me and goes “Umm… I think you’re sitting next to B.o.B.”

Me: *looks over to my left and sees the dude in an Adidas hoodie sitting next to me* *turns to Patrice* Oh. Is that him? Iunno what he looks like.
Afrobella: “Yeah I’m pretty sure that’s him.”
Me: *tweets* “Soooo I’m sitting right next to B.o.B. He came and sat in the VIP Risers after his set. Do I ask him for a pic?”
All of Twitter: “YESSSS!!!”

*after 10 minutes*

Me to Afrobella: “Hmmm… I kinda wanna ask him if he’s B.o.B. for sure. But I’ll do it in between one of her sets.”
Afrobella: “Yeah you can ask him. Just wait for a good time.”

*5 minutes later* I notice he’s texting so I leaned over.
Me: “Scuse me? Are you B.o.B.?”
Him: *smiles* Yes I am. What’s your name?”
Me: “Luvvie.”
Him: *shakes my hand* “Nice to meet you.”
Me: “I was wondering if that was you so I had to ask. What’s your Twitter name?” (I’m such a lame)
Him: “@BobATL. Tweet me.”
Me: “Mkay I’m bout to tweet you.”
Him: “Cool.“

So he checked his tweets and saw mine, then he RTed it.

Aawwww. Sure I’ll be #TeamBoB now that I know what he looks like and think he’s cute.

Nice dude with a great smile. Anyway, back to Rihanna. So she continues the concert with some more of her hits (S & M, Hard, Hate That I Love You). THENNN she got off the stage and started coming through the crowd. And THEN she headed towards the Risers! A stage appeared outta nowhere RIGHT in front of us with drums and Rihanna got on it. She performed RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, beating those drums like she was mini Sheila E. She wasn’t e’em bad at it. But I might have been distracted by the fact that she was just like 10 feet away.

Pretty darn cool, if I might say. I coulda reached out an touched the hem of her boots. Chile…

She got back on the huge stage and sang more of her hits. To be quite honest, I had NO idea how many hits Rihanna had, until I realized that I knew almost EVERY song, and each one was just as big as the next. As a non-Rihanna stan, I am hella impressed. I’m not a Rihanna hater by any means because I do love a lot of her songs. They’re hella catchy. But even I’m like “this child has had HELLA hits!” Rude Boy, Please Don’t Stop the Music, Take a Bow…

Well DAMB, Ri-ri. Do your thing! I ain’t mad atchu at all.

Then B.o.B. was leaving and I finally decided to ask him for a pic, and he graciously said “yes.”

Heyyyyyyyy B.o.B. He's a cutie!

YES LAWD!!!

Rest of the concert was good. I did do a coupla hip twurks to “What’s my name?” I LOVE when I see Rihanna perform that on award shows because it is the one time I’m usually impressed by her dancing. That Barbados is deep in them hips. GET EM!

After performing for almost 2 hours, Rihanna ended the concert with “Love the Way You Lie” and “Umbrella.”

Overall, I had a dope time. I am even more of a Rihanna fan than I was before because she just makes you LIKE her. She may not be the best singer or dancer but she shows you a good time. Plus you realize that her songs are ear viruses. They get stuck in your head whether you like em or not. I happen to like a bunch of hers so I’m not too mad.

Decent way to spend a night! I’m VERY thankful for the opportunity. Thanks for taking me, Patrice!

Check out our #alphets. These goofy looks on our faces...

Anyone planning on going to one of her concerts on the Loud Tour?

P.S. Afrobella‘s recap of the concert is HERE.

P.P.S. To view more pics I took at the Rihanna concert, check out my Facebook page.

Related posts:

1. And Music wept. Worst Concert Ever.
2. Guess Who’s On Eight Bus Ads In Chicago? The Red Pump Project!
3. Chicago’s Weather is Angsty
4. Come Shop with Me and Afrobella at Marshall’s on Nov 30th in Chicago
5. Chicago Sports Needs Bailout

Hey y’all. I owe you a post on the epicness that has been my trip to New York. I’m currently laying low for a bit and tweeting very little to detox a little. Expect my recap on everything on Wednesday or something. In the meantime, I’ll be the one passed out somewhere in fatigue. Happy fatigue though. How ratchet was my weekend? Well I woke up with a cheeseburger and snack wrap in my purse. Yes. It was THAT type of foolery.

So you all come back now, ya hear? Make sure to subscribe so you can have my updates delivered to you.

Related posts:

1. BlogHer ’10 Was Awesome!
2. BlogHer, Here I Come!
3. I’m in NYC for BlogHer!
4. Blogging While Brown 2010 Was Awesome
5. Thank You For An Awesome(ly) Lovely 2010

Anyway, this post is a doozer. Y’ALL BETTER READ THE WHOLE THING TOO!!! Shoot… I put in work! LOL.

Oh, and I got all these pics from NecoleBitchie.com. ALL of them. So I give her credit (and props).

Here goes nothing/something.

First up was Lady Gaga‘s performance. She came out in some uber-crazy outfit, per usual and scared the crap outta me. Yes Gaga has a dope voice. But I jus want to throw holy water at her and scream “The power of Christ compels you!!!” Scary as all to be. She then disappeared for 10 secs and came out playing a piano with Elton John, both of them looking dusty, like extras in “Oliver Twist.” I didn’t get it but iLove that femme Brit, Elton.

See why Gaga scares me???

After, Steve Colbert came on the stage and slayed. When he said “Justin brought sexyback but Susan Boyle sent it away again,” iDied. And the piece de resistance came when he was presenting the award and didn’t know where his nominees list was. Then he went “It’s on my… *pause* iPad” and pulled it out his jacket. HA! When white men are funny, they are extra funny. When they’re not, they’re Seinfeld.

*INSERT performance by people I don’t know or gibbadamb about here.* This was my first of many trips to the kitchen. i asked my Twitfam “Y’all want something?” Them fools asked me to bring back beer, PB&J sammiches, neckbones. koolaid and oreos. HOT MESSES!

The performance ended and “Single Ladies” won an award that was accepted by a trio of gays. Twitter started cracking up. Of COURSE that song was written by gay men. Is it not an anthem? Check YouTube for the million spoof vids.

*INSERT ANOTHER PERFORMANCE I COULD DO WITHOUT HERE* Trip 2 to the kitchen. It was some sort of musical. Can’t remember the name. Don’t care to. I like musicals just like the next Gay man, but I ain’t watching the Grammy’s for that. Hell. I can watch Sound of Music. I got the DVD.

Then came Queen Yawnce‘s performance, complete with random all-black everything army men. I was expecting them to strip down into onesies like they were supposed to but that never came. I was getting ready to *leyomi drop* and everything. Until she balladeered it up with “If I Were A Boy.” O__O She then proceeded to perform part of Alanis Morrisette’s “You oughta know.” I. WAS. LOST. Then came the vigorous hair spinning. While grinding on the floor. Bey!! What in the hell??? Is YOU ALRIGHT? Have you been hanging with that heathen, Gaga? Is THAT it??? Jay, getcho wife. Lawd, she did THE MOSTEST!

Moving on…

Next came Seal (and his uber-virile self) to introduce Pink. She came out in some white hooded smock, looking like Mother Theresa’s bad ass prodigal daughter. She too sang a ballad and I started to wonder why everyone’s mics seemed to be weeping. Y’all better perk up! Shoo! Pink dropped the smock and was in a nude/white ribbon onesie of some sort. I prayed that nipplage didn’t peek out from under them ribbons.

She proceeded to then sing while doing some acrobatics in some hammock that spun around in the air, so it was entertaining. Then came the end, where all of a sudden, liquid was pouring from Pink. For a second there, I thought she was lactating on the crowd. Me: Is that… is that BREASTMILK??? Come on, Pink! That is rude as shit! Oh… it’s just water.” Whew. She made me forget she sang a ballad while she was getting her Cirque du Soleil on. But I know the Grammys crew was mad as hell for all that liquid. Someone had to get some swiffer to clean alla that up.

Black Eyed Peas performed while rocking some random costumes as always. With Fergie looking like RoboCop with boobs. Will.I.Am was channeling Peabo Bryson’s old’ Gumby haircut. Peabo was somewhere like “Bish, you can’t be me.” But yeah, I’m not a fan of BEP at all. They just don’t curl all the way over for me.

Jonas Brothers came out, looking like the 2010 version of Hanson without the feathered hair and feminine faces. They introduced a performer by the name of Lady Antebellum. HUH??? Who is that??? As a colored, I’ont appreciate ANYONE named “Lady Antebellum.” Harriet snuck us underground so we wouldnt have to face this! And here she goes. HMPH! I took this opportunity to take another trip to the kitchen. My Twitfam asked for ish like ciroc, bagels and fruit snacks. LOL.

I was bored to PIECES by this point. I wanted to give Grammy 10 minutes before I started tweeting about randomness like world peace. Anywho, they presented the “Best Comedy album” to Steve Colbert. Steve, I’m happy for you and I’mo let you finish but I don’t gibbadamb. This is where I realized that Grammy was on that boolsheet. They broadcasted mundane awards like “Country music album” and “comedy album”, but gave R&B album of the year off air? Grammy, you ain’t right AT ALL.

Then came the “Record of the Year” award. I thought for sure Bey was gonna get it for “Halo.” I was wrong. Some group named Kings of Leon got it. I won’t lie. I threw a Kanye fit talmbout “WHAT??!?! Some randoms named Kings of Leon won?? I HATECHU GRAMMY!!! F*CK UR COLORING BOOK, CRAYONS AND WATERCOLORS!!!” I was then told that Kings of Leon isn’t random, and that they are actually quite good. But I’m closed-minded so to me, they are random. So WOMP! Let me be petty. lol

Anywho, next up… the “Blame it on the Alcohol” performance. Jamie Foxx came out from behind a mask with his autotune REST to go! He came out extra hyped and before I knew it, I was crunk! Then out came the Ghost of Coon Present, T-Pain. He is just so unclean looking. him and Jamie started truly acting up. Jamie started doing the running man and T-Pain was on the other side of the stage doing the Matrix. Clearly, they said “EFF rehearsal. We shall wing this.” Then Doug E. Fresh came out and was beatboxing. And finally, Slash completed the hoe-slaying with his guitar. I was HELLA ENTERTAINED! I loved it!!! Was it F*ckery? YES! Did I love every minute? ABSOLUTELY!!!

And no. I will not comment on Jamie’s sister’s part in this performance. *walks away whistling*

Justin Bieber‘s adorabo face came on with some drunk chick they referred to as Kesha. O__o So… irrelevance is the new Black it seems. Womp. And no, I will not highlight and make Kesha’s name red. She ain’t got that privilege.

Next up, some country group named the WHO WHAT BLAH BLAH BAND came on stage. While I took this chance to go into the kitchen to get my Twitfam some food, I heard them singing “America, America?” Get THEE EFF off the stage, This aint 4th of July! Take that somewhere! And is that a banjo I hear? I felt disrespected that there was a banjo on the Grammy’s. I took personal affront to this and demanded an apology. RUDENESS!

Taylor Swift performed. I spent this time watching my nails grow. It was far more interesting. Stevie Nicks came and performed with her and even Stevie couldn’t make watching Taylor bearable. I had to get myself a butter knife from the kitchen so I could slit my wrist the WRONG way jus to watch myself bleed. iCan’t w/ Taylor.

Then came the highlight of the nite!!! Or so I thought. I did the *Bro Franklin* in anticipation, especially since Celine Dion was one of the performers. iLove that French Canadian! And JHud too??? iLive!!! Smokie Robinson, Usher and Carrie Underwood to round it up. Not a bad lineup. I donned my dorky 3D glasses from Target and sat up in anticipation. I was ready to be given life!! BRING ON THE KANG MIKO TRIBUTE!!!

Moving on…

Mos Def came on stage looking like a bus conductor and slurring his words like he just bathed in a 40 ounce. Him and some dude presented an award that was won by “Run this town.” JayZ, Rihanna (and her ostrich gown) and Julez, Solange’s son, accepted it. Juelz pretty much slayed me when they asked him if he had anything to say and he went “No thanks.”

THIS is the point where I ended up in Twitter jail. If you don’t know, it’s what happens when you tweet so many times in one hour, and Twitter locks you down. You can’t tweet until some time. It’s Twitter’s way of saying “Go to your room. You’re on timeout.” But, I couldn’t let “the man” hold me down from tweeting. I had to tweet from my backup account @LockdownLuvvie for a WHOLE HOUR!

Anywho… next up came Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige. Their performance was DOPE! MURR JAY BLAHG showed us all that yes she’s hood and she hollers. But she does have a voice on her. Her and Andrea gave me FEVERRR all through the night!

So yall ‘memba how I said I was closed-minded, well Dave Matthews Band aint my cup of tea. I’m going to the kitchen. Yall want something?

Adam Sandler came on to present and I wondered where they found him and why he was presenting there. Maybe he just wanted to make sure we hadn’t forgotten about him. Then Ricky Martin came on to present an award. Stop the presses. RICKY MARTIN??? Did I die and wake up in 1997? Where’d they find him at? Maybe in J.Lo’s Pool shack. *shrugs*

Fortunately for him though, he presented a Grammy that “Halo” won and Bey came onstage in this outfit with floral superhigh shoulder pads. She almost had Ricky Martin Living La Vida Black Eye. Bey thanked her “husband” and I started cheesing like MY name was Hova.

LL Cool J came on and presented without any facial hair and made me uncomfortable. I’ont trust grown men, especially Black men, without any facial hair. Being nekkid all about the face is not the business, fellas. Get some whiskers or something. I think LL introduced Maxwell, who came on and sang “Pretty Wings.” He so fahn with his Harry Potter forehead scar. He could get it on Easter Sunday in the Deacon’s office. I ain’t Lying!

Last performance of the night was Lil Wayne, Eminem and Drake. Weezy came out with his locs all fresh. I was like “I SEE YOU, Wayne! You still look like a roach, but that’s neither here nor there.” Then Eminem’s geriatric self came on stage still looking like a little boy and KILT IT! Dude is a beast on the mic. STILL. Then Drake came on with his melting forehead, looking like Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. My only complaint about this performance was that half of it was muted. Them hating ass censors muted like 20 second chunks at a time. I thought I had wax buildup in my ears for some time there. CBS is more uptight than General Larry “Pants on the Ground” Platt.

Haters.

Then they presented Album of the Year. Black eyed Peas, Queen Yawnce, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift were up for the award.

And the winner is…. *opens up envelope* *pause* Taylor Swift!

Me: WAIT WHAT???? TAYLOR SWIFT WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR????!?? Grammy, F YO JANSPORT, PERMANENT MARKER, 2-POCKET FOLDER… JUST F IT! F YO BACKPACK, ELMERS GLUE, TRAPPER KEEPER, FILLER PAPER, WIDE-RULED NOTEBOOK… Just F YO SCHOOL SUPPLIES!!! You don pissed me off!!! I guess the smpathy points haven’t worn off. I just… LAWD…

iQuit.

Grammy’s you ARE the weakest link. GOODBYE!

Did i miss anything? Did y’all have a favorite moment? Who gave you the least life? Discuss

All pictures from NecoleBitchie.com.

Related posts:

1. BET Hip Hop Awards was Wack (it didn’t disappoint)
2. Another WACK Awards – VMAs
3. American Music Awards was Underwhelming
4. The Subpar Grammys 09
5. Luvvie’s GRAMMYS Live-Tweets Party

Fantasia for Real
————————
I actually like Fantasia, excessively large mouth and all. Even with her lack of reading skills. There’s something endearing about her. So the show started with us being introduced to her whole family, who she single-handedly takes care of. FOUR adults, 1 child and 1 dog. ALL of them depend on Tasia’s income. The only other adult who deserves to mooch is her mother. However, she’s also taking care of her 2 GROWN brothers. Especially her 28yr old brother, Teeny.

In fact, no need for me to even talk about Fantasia in this recap. The REAL star of the show was Teeny. Teeny doesn’t do anything but lay in the pool house all day doing nothing. Well according to him, he “does his music thing.” O__o His wack self even made a recording studio out of the pool house by adding styrofoam pads in the bathroom as th booth. iCan’t.

Finally, half way through the episode, Fantasia tell him he needs to do something productive with himself because she can’t support him anymore. What does Teeny do? That dummy went to test drive a Ferrari! Well, he brought someone along to drive for him, since he doesn’t have a license (yes, he’s 28. No I don’t want to talk about how ridiculous this is). This fool can’t buy no Ferrari! I bet he has a Rush Card. He doesn’t look like he has a bank account. Money order don’t buy Ferraris! *rolls eyes* He got back home and they asked him what he was up to. This fool said “I was window shopping w/ no windows.” He’s missing chromosome 21. I just KNOWED IT!

The show ended with Teeny literally ripping up the pool house because he “needs a change” and wants to turn it into a “Cosmic recording studio.” That boy is DUMB AS HELL. iHate Teeny and everything his belligerent lifespace ever stands for. I really do! But I will be watching next week. Hopefully, Fantasia kicks his mooch ass out!

Oh and raise your hand if you know a Teeny or two in real life. *looks around* *raises hand slowly* I AIN’T THE ONLY ONE!

Let’s Talk About Pepa
——————————
Right after Fantasia’s show was Pepa’s Black version of “Sex and the City.”. Pepa and her bird beak… I mean, nose are looking to date, since she’s been single and celibate for four years.

Pepa and her 3 women sat at brunch and started talking about their dates. One of those women was Jacque Reid, formerly of BET news. Her descent to VH1 is tragical (yes, tragical). Who else is sad that Jacque Reid can’t get no job & has sold her soul to VH1 (aka the other devil)? *Celie Sad Face* Jacque Reid is the poor man’s Tamron Hall who is the homeless man’s Halle Berry. Po’ thang…

Jacque wants to have a baby, because her eggs are turning to hard-boiled. So she’s on the prowl for a sperm donor. Who does she decide to ask? FAHN ass Lamman Rucker. Them dimples? Yeah, I’d go there. But to ask him for his sperm? Wowzers! But she asked and he didn’t go running the other direction. He said he’d actually consider it. Oooo he fahn AND sensitive. But I shook my head at Jacque.

One of Pep’s friends, the Samantha of the group, went on a date with this odd business man with a foot fetish. He instructed her to put her feet on his lap during dinner so he could appreciate them. She did it too. Eewwww. It was at a nice restaurant. Don’t be doing that! Then they went to a strip club, where she proceeded to drop down and get her eagle on as he made it lightly drizzle on her back. So uncouth. The piece de resistance came when they were heading home and he proceeded to lick her toes, telling her “Your toes taste like meatloaf.” O__O Excuse me as I UPCHUCK! How is being told that one’s feet smells like beef a compliment? iCan’t. Just UN.COUTH.

Finally, Pep’s date was the reason why I spent a FULL 30 minutes after the show was off cackling like a banshee and laughing myself stupid. First of all, her date was rocking an S-Curl. His soul is gloing TOO hard. Ol’ Stay sof Fro face. He looked like he could be Aaron Neville’s son. I kept looking for a mole on his face to poke with a stick and a schmedium polyurethane shirt for him to bust out of.

Their date was uneventful until he took Pep to a hotel and got her a bathing suit to change into, so they could get into a hot tub. I noticed that Pep got a tattoo over her childbirth stomach scars. She’s so innovative. She DOES push it. The envelope, that is. Zing! Huzzah! LOL

Pep mentioned to him that she was 4 years celibate, so there won’t be any hanky panky going. Why does Pep have on a chastity belt (figuratively)? Aint like she protecting her virginity. That boat sailed w/ the Titanic. And sank… but that’s neither here nor there. Anywho, they get in the hot tub, and homeboy got candles all on the edges of the tub.

This is where they should have played foreboding music. Pep and Aaron Neville Jr. are making out and sucking face on the edge when all of a sudden, homeboy turns around and his hair is smoking.

HERE is where the REAL Luvvie stopped existing. My phantom took over as my soul left me. I SURELY flatlined! Did this negro’s curl just CATCH FIRE?!?!?! Aaron Neville Jr.’s hair caught FAH! Your soul ain’t posed to glo near open flames! This dude had a Disco Inferno on his head. Bury me in a unflammable snuggie. *falls out chair* *WALL SLIDE* VH1 will be sent my funegro bills. They are the reason for my early demise.

The show ended here but my cackles continued for another 30 minutes, as I fell out multiple times and laughed myself STOOPID! I was TRULY beside myself in hysterics. Like really.

1st Teeny and his moot lifespace. Then Pep’s bird beak nose. Which gave way to Jacque Reid trying to Hire-A-Sperm which then led to FireScalp. VH1′s depth of foolery was unmet yesterday. It was the best hour of TV and the worst at the same time. As I laughed heartily, I shook my head.

My Monday nights are booked from now until these shows end. And as a result, I’ve concluded that VH1 ruins lives.  Prove me wrong.

Did I leave something out? Who else almost ruptured a spleen CRYING laughing at all this foolery? Oh… just me? Well then…

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No related posts.

Sis: Umm… you’re missing out. Steve Harvey is crying.

Me: Wait, what???

Sis: Yes! They’re honoring Steve Harvey, and Donnie McClurkin is singing right now. Steve is in tears. He’s touched.

Me: YOU LAH BLACK GIRL! WHAT??? *changes channel* Ooooooooo!!! He’s doing the ugly cry! Ste’e (pronounced STEE) is sobbing. Donnie “I hate the Gays” McClurkin is bringing him to TEARS!

Sis: YES! Why haven’t you been watching this? You need to do a blog recap!

Me: Damb, damb DAMB! I ain’t know about it. *shakes fists*

Sis: You even missed Fantasia singing and kicking off her shoes. Hollering, catching the Holy Ghost.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! That is foolery I should be blogging about.*WALL SLIDE* 

Sis: Yup! You BETTER go find a recording online or something. I NEED a blog recap in the morning or else… *hangs up*

So here I am. Without blog recap of what was SURELY a show CHOCK full of foolery. *pouts* All I had time to tune in for was to see was Ste’e Harvey’s crushed velvet suit and ugly cry. And some other dude’s tacky white Qwa director suit. Y’all must not love me. How come no one told me this event was going on? NOT N’AN person! Y’all ain’t send me a wall comment on my Facebook page or tweet me to be on the lookout. Y’all ain’t EVEN right. Next time there is a show of epic foolery such as this on, I charge you folks to let me know. There’s so much ignificence in the world that I can’t keep track myself.

My sis is surely gon’ call me when she reads this telling me how much I suck. But SHE ain’t tell me either until it almost ended. So who’s fault is all of this? Everyone but mine. That is my story and I’m sticking to it.

Good day to you. HMPH! *turns around dramatically with coat sweeping behind her* (Dramatic exits are the best, ain’t they?)

Related posts:

1. AweLuv 2009 Cliff Notes: In Case You Missed
2. Breakfast Song Foolery
3. BET Awards 2011 Recap: The Show Was… I Got Questions
4. For Colored Girls Who Considered Ratchetness When Foolery Wasn’t Enuf

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1. Missed Chance at Recap Foolery
2. 2009 VMAs ROCKED
3. Blogalicious 2009 was THAT BUSINESS
4. Welcome to the new AweLuv!!!
5. AweLuv DEED that

Highlights

*Janet Jackson‘s opening performance was dope. In spite of the fact that she swagger jacked a jockey’s outfit, Janet still came through and repped! Homegirl is 42 years old and STILL slaying hoes effortlessly. And she does so with pants on. *psst* Bey, get a notepad. Take notes.

*JayZ and Alicia Keys. – Yes, Jay had on a brooch. A diamond-encrusted and expensive one, but a brooch nonetheless. His tux was so clean though. Jay and Alicia were good though. Why was Perez Hilton catching the holy ghost when they showed him singing along? Deacon Hov & First Lady Key musta DID THAT.

Sidenote: Fellas, just because JayZ wore a brooch on his tux, then later wore a safety pin on his blazer doesn’t mean y’all allowed to do it on the street. If I see ANYONE copying that foolishness, I’mo tackle ‘em. Kthx


*Mary J. Blige‘s performance was good. And she looked really nice, even though she had a bedazzled turtle on her shoulder. I just LOVE Mary. She can’t do much wrong to me.

Related posts:

1. Live-tweeting American Music Awards
2. Grammys: Another Day, Another Wack Awards
3. BET Hip Hop Awards was Wack (it didn’t disappoint)
4. The 2007 BET Awards SUCKED!
5. BET Awards 2008 Was Actually Good!

Since BET Awards was nothing but lowlights, I’mo just write this in question form. if y’all got answers, let me know.

Performances
*Why am I sick of seeing Jay-Z everywhere? I’m not a hater but dang. I’m kinda bored by seeing his performances everywhere.

*Why doesn’t The Dream have a neck? He had his collar popped and it was touching his forehead. Po’ thang’s chin was making skidmarks on his chest.

*Why am I upset that I now know who Gucci Mane is, since he performed about 50-eleven times. I’ve gone this long without knowing who he was. BET had to ruin that for me. Now I could pick him out in a lineup and I’m NOT pleased. THEN they made him do some kinda PSA. I don’t even know what he said in it because I kept expecting Forrest to come by, since he sounded just like Bubba Gump. Coconut shrim’, bbq shrim’, shrim’ creole… As if that wasn’t foolish enough, why did this fool rock a jeweled WISK around his neck? iCan’t.

Sidenote: Why hasn’t the designer Gucci filed some kinda trademark-infringement suit against Gucci Mane? He has single-handedly made me give them Gs the side-eye.

*Why were all the backup dancers so wack? Maybe it was because the choreography was elementary as hell. That’s what you get when you let Keisha, the neighborhood tip drill, put together dance routines. Where’s Laurie Ann “Boom Boom Kack” Gibson when you need her?

*Why was I jealous of Snoop‘s perm when he came out? Dude’s hair STAYS fried, dyed and laid to the side. It was blowing in the wind too. But umm… I did give a blank stare when I saw the “Parental Advisory” sticker on his crotch. O__O “Parental Advisory” indeed. All that comes from that area has to be smoke from all that toking he does. I don’t damn know sometimes.

*Why did Soulja Boy decide to perform while rocking every piece of jewelry he’s bought since he got his first royalty check? I mean, dude’s neck looked busy. He was gonna mess around and cause self-afflicted scoliosis. Such a classless wonder.

*Why was CeeLo looking like a Christmas ornament, with that red sequined jacket he had on? CeeLo saw Dorothy’s ruby red slippers & said “I want that in jacket form.” and they indulged him. I guess it works though, because he looks like one of the Oompa Loompas.

*Why did I not know MOST of the performers, and could not recognize them if they had on name badges with their names AND pictures on it? I wanted to ask “Ha’po, who dis peoples???”

Cyphers
*Why was the ONLY highlight of the show this cyphers? ONLY.

*Why did they pick Nicki Minaj to cypher? I’ve gone this long without hearing her music and BET went and changed that. WOMP!

*Why didn’t someone tell KRS-One to kindly give the camera some space? He was all extra close. His jagged teefs are scary at me and I was afraid that his nose was gonna snort me whole through the TV. EEK!!!

*Why did Black Thought come through there and KILL that cypher? HE DEED THAT. “Bipolar like Phyllis Hyman.” *drops mic* Can you imagine him and Soulja Boy in the same room? iCan’t. iWon’t.

*Why did Eminem show folks he’s still the dopeness? Mr. 8-Mile kinda slayed hoes effortlessly with his.

Presenters and Recipients 

*Why did Mike Epps swagger jack Malcolm X with that suit and jacket? I wanted to holler “We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock…” He was a decent host though.

*Why does Diddy‘s new group “Dirty Money” not curl all the way over? Diddy joined forced with Dawn from Danity Kane & Estelle’s 2nd cousin removed by marriage together in a random ass group with a random ass name. I’ont get it.

*Why were Kriss Kross’ lil brothers (New Boyz) on there doing the Butterfly 2.0 in their extra skinty jeans?? WOMP!

*Why’d I start squealing when Kid N Play came on the stage and did their dance. I wanted “Poison” to start playing, but alas, it didn’t. I pouted a little. But uurrumm Kid was looking kinda rough bout the face. He had more bags under his eyes than a purse depot.

*Why’d they have to make Tiny‘s “Short Yellow Bus” self accept T.I.’s award? Don’t they know that everytime Tiny speaks, an angel loses its wings? Then the fool had the nerve to emphasize the part where he said “Thanks to Tameka, the lady in my life. The best I ever had.” I rolled my eyes so hard, my iris quit me. T.I. ain’t say no WIFE, Tiny. You and your 3 engagement rings still ain’t taken an oaf (not oath, but OAF) before Gawd and your mama.

Anyway, where was I?

*Why did Busta Rhymes decide to look like he did a drive-by at the Louis Vuitton store? iDig Bussa Buss but he was doing the MOST with that outfit of his.

*Who’s funegro was Fatima Robinson going to? She was real classy-like, don’t get me wrong, but she seemed to have stepped outta Sister O’Dell’s wardrobe. Guess she was mourning the death of Hip Hop. Or at least, the death of pants that fit Hip Hop artists.

The BET Hip Hop Awards was full of f*ckery, was low budget and was boring. All in all, BET didn’t disappoint. It was everything I expected (so basically, nothing).

*Reads post* Dang. I didn’t even mention any awards that were given out… *pause* *blinks* Yeah neither did BET … barely.

Related posts:

1. Grammys: Another Day, Another Wack Awards
2. Another WACK Awards – VMAs
3. American Music Awards was Underwhelming
4. BET Awards 09 = Flipping Tables
5. The 2007 BET Awards SUCKED!

There were many Blogalicious highlights:

*The Panels and speakers – They were sooo helpful. I live-tweeted the Intellectual Property panel with Latoicha Givens, that discussed the legal ramifications of blogging and many folks replied to me saying they were taking notes. I need to pull those tweets out for when I do my Blogging 202 series. Y’all remember my Blogging 101 posts? Yeah that panel may vry well be the most useful one I’ve been to in ALL the conferences I’ve attended. That is saying a lot. But yeah, the lineup was dopeness.

The keynote speaker was Karen Walrond of Chookooloonks, and she was so interesting that she kept my itis at bay. That is no small feat. Her speech on “The Beauty of Different” was hilarious, heartfelt and humbling (alliteration makes me swoon). Anytime a speaker ends with “You guys don’t have any questions? That means I AM the shit!”, an angel gets its wings groomed. LOVED her!

*Meeting up with fellow bloggers – This is the best part of any blogging conference. Getting to meet up with those you’ve connected with online is a great experience. When I ran into Brittany of Clumps of Mascara before the panel she spoke on, first thing she said to me was. “OK here’s a wall. Let me see your WALL SLIDE.” LOL. Then she went “Wow. Your cheekbones. Your profile is ridiculous. If you rocked some bronzer, they’d POP!” I giggled like a schoolgirl and blushed. LOVE HER! She’s the bestest thang since strawberry cream cheese.

I also met (for the first time) The Broke Socialite, Raquel of HomeGirl Blog (who recognized me by my avatar. LOL), Tasha of That’s so Yummy. They rock socks.

I got a chance to catch up with my conference buddies (we’ve went to at least 2 together): Adria, Ananda Leeke, Corynne of That Black Girl Site, Renee of Cutie Booty Cakes, Natalie (The Frugalista), Senam (TweetMeBlack), MomNoir (aka Sunkissed Mommy). These women are fabulous and I heart them.

***I have pics of some of my fellow bloggers and I that I haven’t uploaded. Check this post sometime tonight and they will be up here.

*Seeing Kim Coles – At the plenary session on Saturday morning (which I, of course, was late to) I was minding my own bitness when Mignon of Intellectual Soul tapped me to look up. I looked up and saw Kim Coles sitting at my table. This is when I lost all semblance of being able to ack right. I ain’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to go up to her talmbout “Hey Sinclaire! How’s Overton an’ em?” Then the theme song kept playing in my head. “We are Livvvviiinnngg Single, o in a 90s kind of world, I’m glad I got my girls. Keep your head up. What? Keep your head up. That’s right!… My homegirls standing to my left and my right. True blue, we tight like glue…” I had to sing that song in full before the day was over for my soul to be appeased.

Hey Sinclaire! I snuck a pic of Kim Coles sitting at my table.Her braids game is so proper. They STAY laid! Brandy’s old braids are somewhere jealous

It took EVERYTHING in me not to get up and bust out into the bounce and rolling backwards. Lawdamercy. I kept staring at her grinning like a fool. Mignon was just shaking her head at me. I didn’t say nothing to her though. I was too busy being an ogling groupie.

Sidenote: I’m pretty sure that if I was to ever see Queen Latifah, I’d do holler “IT’S THE QUEEN!” and do the Bro Franklin and pass out. Would be so uncouth.

Oh and the first night of the conference, there was a suite that had a cupcake party, provided by Lenox Cupcakes. Corynne, Adria and Natalie and I were the first ones in the suite and we MAXED some cupcakes. I ate 5 within 10 minutes: 3 caramels, a red velvet and a pink velvet. Then we all compared notes on the one we liked best. Caramel won unanimously. Yummmmm.

I was in heaven. This was the spread of cupcakes. *drools*

Sidenote: This was my first time in ATL, and the weather was amazing throughout. I will say this though. Why does Atlanta have so many Peachtree streets??? They are like Bubba Gump when it comes to Peachtree. Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Drive, Peachtree Avenue, Peachtree Boulevard… I mean, I THINK they’re trying to let us know that ATL loves peaches. Does Atlanta need ideas for street names? I won’t mind a Luvvie Street. I’m just saying. How do folks even know what Peachtree they need to be at? It runs across the whole city too.

*The Swag – I got so much free stuff that I had to get them shipped to me. They took up a huge duffel bag-like thingimajig and my luggage was not fitting any of it. I made it a point to not check in anything (that $20 fee is no joke) so I couldn’t even attempt to stuff everything in. Among the freebies: Suave lotion, pink clutch, E.L.F. makeup, USB jump drive. I even won a raffle that got me even more stuff. I can’t remember it all because I haven’t received my shipment yet. But this part rocked for sure.

Anywho, Blogalicious was DOPENESS! The people, the program and the atmosphere were so positive. I loved every part of it. At the closing remarks, it was announced that 2010′s conference will be in Miami. I am in there like funk on a hobo! I demand that all panels have a view of the ocean. I can’t wait! *does jig*

Related posts:

1. Blogalicious and Miami: All TEN Everything!
2. Blogalicious Game Proper!
3. I’m in Miami for Blogalicious
4. 2009 VMAs ROCKED
5. AweLuv 2009 Cliff Notes: In Case You Missed