5pm Shadows at Noon
One of the BIGGEST pet peeves of mine (aka Things that Grind my Gears) is the presence of excessive facial hair on women. This includes Ashanti (yes, the “singer”) sideburns that would make Isaac from “The Love Boat” green with envy. Ol’ Mutton Chop Face. If this is your situation, please get it rectified. There are people called barbers. This is what they do. You already know about the vendetta I have against people who force me to use the singular form for the hair above their eyes (Unibrows).
You know, cavemen needed thick, bushy eyebrows to protect them from the harsh environment they dealt with, during a time when fire was still a phenomenon. The hair protected their eyes from the elements, but so did the protruding foreheads (which some people retain to this day, but that’s a topic for another day). We evolved, and the need for bushy eyebrows receded. Nature thinned out some of our brows, and others were left with memoirs of the past (aka extra hairy upper eye regions). It’s science.
With that being said, ain’t NO reason for folks to be walking around with unibrows and centipedes for eyebrows in 2009. NO REASON (apart from offending my sensibilities). There are sooo many ways to fix this. There’s threading (although I cry everytime I get this done. HEY HEY I’m a thug. It’s an involuntary reflex from individual hairs being yanked out of my face. Remember that), waxing, using a bushwacker… There are OPTIONS, people!!
This brings me to the worst female follicle folly (hehe, alliteration rocks) of ALL!! Nether Nasal Region hair (aka beards and moustaches).
Every time I see a woman with whiskers, a part of me wilts. Women who are rocking 5’O Clock shadows at high noon offend me to no end. As if we didn’t have a hard enough time separating the sexes already (with men wearing earrings, cornrows and the color pink now). Then you add one of the masculine features to the mix, and I just know mankind is in trouble.
The only woman who should have whiskers is in a circus and her moniker is “the bearded lady”. Since your coworker is not an albino dwarf clown, this is inexcusable, and oughta be considered a fashion crime in 48 states (you know everything is legal in Nevada, and Alaska… well I’ll leave that one alone). Go get your top lip bleached, get a weekly waxing, or get electrolysis. However DO NOT shave! Your pores will weep.
Sidenote: I had a friend once whose moustache and beard situation would make Santa a bit envious. Anyway, she started shaving it, and anytime she’d hug me, her remnant whiskers – or phantom beard – would almost cut my delicate skin. My poor face. Our friendship could not withstand that sort of abuse. We haven’t spoken in 4 years.
Yeah, so all I’m saying is… for the ladies that have these, I understand that you cannot control where or how much your hair grows. I just think that there are tools available that can prevent you from walking around looking like “homo erectus.”