5pm Shadows at Noon

One of the BIGGEST pet peeves of mine (aka Things that Grind my Gears) is the presence of excessive facial hair on women. This includes Ashanti (yes, the “singer”) sideburns that would make Isaac from “The Love Boat” green with envy. Ol’ Mutton Chop Face. If this is your situation, please get it rectified. There are people called barbers. This is what they do. You already know about the vendetta I have against people who force me to use the singular form for the hair above their eyes (Unibrows).

You know, cavemen needed thick, bushy eyebrows to protect them from the harsh environment they dealt with, during a time when fire was still a phenomenon. The hair protected their eyes from the elements, but so did the protruding foreheads (which some people retain to this day, but that’s a topic for another day). We evolved, and the need for bushy eyebrows receded. Nature thinned out some of our brows, and others were left with memoirs of the past (aka extra hairy upper eye regions). It’s science.

With that being said, ain’t NO reason for folks to be walking around with unibrows and centipedes for eyebrows in 2009. NO REASON (apart from offending my sensibilities). There are sooo many ways to fix this. There’s threading (although I cry everytime I get this done. HEY HEY I’m a thug. It’s an involuntary reflex from individual hairs being yanked out of my face. Remember that), waxing, using a bushwacker… There are OPTIONS, people!!

This brings me to the worst female follicle folly (hehe, alliteration rocks) of ALL!! Nether Nasal Region hair (aka beards and moustaches).

Every time I see a woman with whiskers, a part of me wilts. Women who are rocking 5’O Clock shadows at high noon offend me to no end. As if we didn’t have a hard enough time separating the sexes already (with men wearing earrings, cornrows and the color pink now). Then you add one of the masculine features to the mix, and I just know mankind is in trouble.

The only woman who should have whiskers is in a circus and her moniker is “the bearded lady”. Since your coworker is not an albino dwarf clown, this is inexcusable, and oughta be considered a fashion crime in 48 states (you know everything is legal in Nevada, and Alaska… well I’ll leave that one alone). Go get your top lip bleached, get a weekly waxing, or get electrolysis. However DO NOT shave! Your pores will weep.

Sidenote: I had a friend once whose moustache and beard situation would make Santa a bit envious. Anyway, she started shaving it, and anytime she’d hug me, her remnant whiskers – or phantom beard – would almost cut my delicate skin. My poor face. Our friendship could not withstand that sort of abuse. We haven’t spoken in 4 years.

Yeah, so all I’m saying is… for the ladies that have these, I understand that you cannot control where or how much your hair grows. I just think that there are tools available that can prevent you from walking around looking like “homo erectus.”

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  1. Reggie
    January 12, 2009 at 3:22 am

    If blogs were crack….I loves me some Lg…!!!!

    I’m 20 and I still don’t have me a five….maybe a blessing?!?

  2. Assertive Wit
    January 12, 2009 at 7:26 am

    one of my friends went to high school with this girl who has a man mustache…not that faint hint of hair that a lot of women get waxed…not some side whiskers you can hit up with the razor after you brush your teeth…a FULL BLOWN ‘STACHE. I hated meeting her because my friend introduced us and then just bounced…I was left to stare at that manly lip for a good 45 minutes…I know staring is rude as hell but I couldn’t help it. And to add insult to injury….she has an Enrique Iglesias mole on her upper lip that was just BEGGING me to keep staring…it aint right…you can’t be walking around with a humongous mole like that on your face acting like it’s taking shade from yo manly mustache…I want her to wax her lip yesterday…

  3. belle
    January 12, 2009 at 8:53 am

    OMG I love you for your scientific explanation of the unibrow. Seriously, people can’t argue with that, IT’S SCIENCE.

  4. Monk
    January 12, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Actually I think this post should excessive hair on women in general. Too much hair on the arms, legs, armpits, vajayjay, etc. all needs to be attended to ASAP. I know you may have heard of some men who admit to liking a little bit of hair on a chick’s legs and/or arms. I think you should question their sexuality. Even though the vajayjay doesn’t neccessarily have to be bald, it should be trimmed and well kept. Imma leave it at that.

  5. Mr. Smart Guy
    January 12, 2009 at 11:15 am

    I have a full mustache and beard so if you’re scratching my face when we’re close that’s a problem.

    I’m a pretty open-ended guy when it comes to certain relationship but this might be the death knell to our love thang if I gotta worry about a hairball after kissing you. IJS.

  6. Paula
    January 12, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    I too find Ashanti’s sideburns disturbing. They look totally out of place.

  7. Shida
    January 13, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    My favorite part of this whole thing-

    Thank you for not daring to actually label her an artists. Amen Ife, Amen.

  8. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    January 30, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    Reggie – In time, young one. LOL you could always use rogaine for ur face

    Assertive Wit – I applaud you for not pointing and laughing at said ‘stache. Im proud all you did WAS stare. And oh noooo!! Not the Enrique mole too!!! *runs away*

    Belle – See? I had to put some concrete evidence in there. Glad you appreciated it

    Monk – Yes, landscaping is always necessary.

    Smartie – LMAO @ hairball. That just gave me the hibby jibbies

    Ashanti – I think Ashanti got a waxer to handle her sideburns situation now

    Shida – That fool is NARY an artist. Although we could kick it and hang. She would just be banned from sanging.