Guest Blog

Men are like fungus


Hey folks. A tragedy befell Awesomely Luvvie last night. I was editting the blogroll I had called “Other Blogs I Dig” and I accidentally deleted the entire blogroll *wall slide*. And since I’m more senile than anything, I don’t remember all the blogs that were on there. If you were previously on that blogroll, please leave a comment and let me know. If you’d like to be on that blogroll, do the same and I will check out your blog. I will say that I shook my lil fists vigorously and hollered “damn DAMN DAMMNNN!!!” *sigh* It shall be aight.

Today’s guest blogger is Monicarolevans. Her blog is called “Life in the Middle Lane”, and she is awesometastic. Monica is a writer, thinker and doer and really wants to be rich and famous. Y’all should visit her eCrib sometime. You can email her at Monicarol(dot)evans(at)gmail(dot)com

Men are like Fungus

I know that I should clarify that title and say that some (not all) men are fungi, but that just wouldn’t have been as snappy a title would it?

And should further say that those men aren’t alone. Some women are fungi, too.

I’ve written about relationships on my own blog, and for my friends, I’ve (somehow) turned into the go-to relationship guru (or at least I talk about them anonymously, then they read about it). So I get to hear all the sh*t about their relationships.

In the past 6 months or so three of my friends have come to me crying about how their man is a lying, cheating bastard. And I don’t mean, accidently, “I met her in the club and she slipped, fell, and landed on my d!*K, but it only happened one time” cheating. The kind of cheating that I’m talking about is the habitual, “I have a wife, a girlfriend and three skanky hoes” kind of cheating.
I’m talking about the kind of cheating where lives are in danger. My friend, has some chick threatening to smash all her windows and blow out her tires because the other woman thinks that “her man” is cheating with my friend. My friend, who has been dating the cheating bastard for 8, count them, 8 years.

She’s spent most of her 20’s dealing with this asshole. Now she’s got to start over, and learn how to date again. Never mind that her friends (real friends) tried over and over to tell her that her man was no good.

Another friend, in her thirties, has been dating a guy, off and on for about 4 years. Recently she laid all her cards on the table. She told old dude, “I’m not getting any younger, and I want a husband and kids and I think we could be good together. What do you think?” He made her believe that he agreed with her, and she THOUGHT they were working towards an engagement.

Six months later, she finds out that that he’s got another girl stashed away in another town, and he’s been tipping and dipping out on her on the regular. Meanwhile, her ovaries are drying up, but her asshat boyfriend has been lying up a storm AND making her feel like a paranoid fool, ‘cause her women’s intuition was ringing off the hook.

But she ignored it.

And so did my other friend.

And so do so many other women that I know who find themselves in a relationship with a cheating lying “I hope you get hit by a bus” bastard. Ladies, I have two things to say to you. First: Your friends, if they are your REAL friends, are looking out for you. If they tell you that your boyfriend sucks, and can give logical and emotional reasons of why/how your boyfriend is a loser, believe them. They will not steer you wrong. Now, of course, some of us have those toxic jealous friends who are jealous and will lie, but girlfriend, you need to know the difference between your REAL friends and those fake skanks. Second: Your intuition be letting you know where the evil lies. Evil in your friends and evil in your mates.


Some of us turn off out intuition because we believe that we’re paranoid or being insecure. And sometimes we are insecure. And sometimes we are paranoid. Sometimes it may be true that your significant other DID fall asleep and forgot about that date, sometimes cell phones act up and text messages and voicemails don’t come through, sometimes folks are working late.

But sometimes, their asses are cheating.

You know the little voice inside your head? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. The little voice inside your head KNOWS. Sometimes she’s in there screaming at you, “Noooooo, don’t do it. ICE COLD” And when you snap back at her to shut the F up (so that you can get your groove on) she gets less and less likely to speak the next time. And pretty soon, she stops talking to you completely.

And that would make me sad for you. You need your inner voice.

Or friends that will bob you in the head like those V8 commercials. (

Anyway I got at least 3 friends whose asses I want to beat because they didn’t listen to the people they were supposed to. Let this be a lesson to you.

If I find out that YOU (I’m pointing at you) got caught up in some sh!t because you didn’t listen to your peeps, I’m coming for you.

And I’m whupping your ass.

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  1. K to the...
    January 29, 2009 at 9:07 am

    Chuuuch…and an almighty….Sacraments!

  2. T
    January 29, 2009 at 9:13 am

    “you need to know the difference between your REAL friends and those fake skanks”

    AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  3. Naturally Sarcastic
    January 29, 2009 at 9:57 am

    *looks around, over my shoulder, back to the screen*

    You not talking to me! My inner voice is so loud ppl think it’s talking to them, when really she’s just a lil ghetto and loud sometimes. But I forgive her cuz she always steers me in the right…unless we’re doing wrong, then it’s all bad for the fungi involved. But that’s irrelevant at the moment.

  4. Monica
    January 29, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    @ K to th and T: Don’t make go to church and do my lil’ dance!!!!

    @Naturally Sarcastic: My lil’ voice doesn’t always stay inside either, she makes faces when people do stupid stuff, and she sometimes tells folks about themselves before I can stop her!!!!

  5. Mista Jaycee
    January 29, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    You talking to me…..NOOOOO! Not me! My Wife and Daughter would kill me dead!

    Just stopping by. Please put me on the new Blogroll and stop by.

  6. Luvologist
    January 31, 2009 at 2:14 am


    Tragedy. I don’t even know what to say. I know that’s taboo in blogging land but…