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Dry Hair Battle III

You already know the drill. Me and Alise are perpetually roasting each other’s manes so here is Dry Hairhat Battle III. So even if you’re reading this in your GReader, come visit for a second and vote in the comments section on who you think won.

And in case you missed it, check out Dry Hairhat Battles I & II. You can still vote on those too.

Red is Luvvie
White is Alise

Alise: you are a living tumbleweed, isn’t there a Western movie set waiting for your arrival?

Luvvie: Global warming is actually caused by the extreme dryness of ur hairhat. Seeping all the moisture and cold out the atmosphere

Alise: Come here I need to strike a match on your twists…. 🙂

Luvvie: Rice Krispies got “snap, crackle and pop” from hearing you comb your hair. U created a cereal empire. They thank you

Alise: Luvvie is another synonym for dry… hair & personality

Luvvie: Alise is the antonym to moist and emollient

Luvvie: Albert Einstein saw a pic of ur hair and even HE said DAYUM!!

Alise: Your hair was sheared from a sheep that dined on steel and foil.

Luvvie: Don King thinks your hair is ridiculous and unacceptable

Luvvie: Shea butter was told to moisturize ur situation and it said “Mm mm yall dont pay me enough” and promptly quit

Luvvie: If ur hair had a biopic, it’d be called “Oh moisture, where art thou?”

Alise: If your hair was a blaxploitation flick it would be SuperDry

Luvvie: StaySofFro turned to ice when you put it on ur follicles. Twas sad

Luvvie: If ur hair had a character, it’d be a hippie. Rocking birkenstocks and hemp clothing. Granola bar face

Luvvie: I rebuke your hairhat in the name of holy water and communion oil! THANK YA JESAH!!

Alise: Your hair should join the mime ministry (because it can’t get out of the box of dryness)

Luvvie: Gawd is tryna tell ur follicles to “Speak with emollience”

Luvvie: If your hair was a color, it’d be cataract gray. Just clouded

Alise: If your hair was a computer it would be the original Apple, Dusty and obsolete.

Alise: and if it your hair was a computer game on said Apple it’d be Oregon Trail

Alise: If your hair was a comedian it would be D.L. Hughley, Dry and uninspiring.

Luvvie: HA! if your hair was a comedian, it would be carrot top. Irrelevant and nuisance

Luvvie: Aretha’s Hat (Hattie) saw your hairhat and petitioned to have ur hair banned from the Legions of Follicles

Luvvie: Anthony Hamilton’s taco meat chest hair called. It misses ur hair as a teammate. Come on back

Luvvie: Ur hair has halitosis of the follicles, a condition pioneered by u. No cure for is yet. They working on it

Alise: I didn’t know you could have psoriasis and eczema on the hairshaft… you should be studied.

Alise: What setting do your put your hair dryer on? Extra Evaporate?

Luvvie: I use the setting before urs, which is “never existed”

Luvvie: Ur hair is considered a national secret for its indestructible metal properties. Ol’ ultra titanium head face

Luvvie: In fact, Twiggy stole her name from whenst she saw Alise one day and Lise’s hair spoke to her for its branch-like ways

Luvvie: Webster is currently lookin for a new word 2 describe ur moisture-depleted follicles.

Alise: I have to pull out different languages to describe it: Pelo arido.

Alise: les cheveux secs

Alise: trockenes Haar (German)

Alise: Dryer than a mug (Ebonics)

Luvvie: Yeah and I need 2 pull out LOST languages 2 describe UR hair. I may have 2 use hieroglyphics on that ish

Luvvie: And sign language. And pig latin. And Old English. And Broken English.

Alise: yours is futuristic written and Venetian and Martian

Luvvie: No language can sufficiently express the utter aridity of that thang you call “hair”. I call it “straw” But tomatoes tomatos

Alise: Your hair description is written in the Dead Sea Scrolls…. and has the moisture of those scrolls too.

Luvvie: The moisture of ur hair has been lost at sea, like Odysseus. It’s been 10 years since you seent it

Alise: Your hair is an albatross, dryness hanging around your neck hindering everything you do

Luvvie: I was floored when I found out that salt scrubs are actually your hair flakes. Ur dandruff is teflon tough!

Alise: curtsies and side-eyes Luvvie

Luvvie: *deep bows and purses lips* You’ve fought well Alise-san. You are a worthy adversary, oh Tumble McWeederson

S0… who annihilated?

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11 Comments

  1. Naturally Sarcastic
    February 4, 2009 at 7:15 am

    DEAD @ “banned from the Legions of Follicles”.

  2. Shida
    February 4, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Oh LAWD here we go again. Aaight I’mma stick to the points format. It works for me.

    Luvvie: Rice Krispies got “snap, crackle and pop” from hearing you comb your hair. U created a cereal empire. They thank you

    Alise: Your hair was sheared from a sheep that dined on steel and foil.

    Alise: If your hair was a blaxploitation flick it would be SuperDry (iDied!!!)

    Alise: What setting do your put your hair dryer on? Extra Evaporate? (re-died)

    Luvvie: Yeah and I need 2 pull out LOST languages 2 describe UR hair. I may have 2 use hieroglyphics on that ish (brought back to life)

    Luvvie: The moisture of ur hair has been lost at sea, like Odysseus. It’s been 10 years since you seent it
    Alise: Your hair is an albatross, dryness hanging around your neck hindering everything you do
    Luvvie: I was floored when I found out that salt scrubs are actually your hair flakes. Ur dandruff is teflon tough! (these final 3 completely slayed me. Services currently being arranged.)

    Let’s count em’ up:
    Eeefsters: 4
    Ya Girl: 4

    Oh snap it’s officially a tie. Well alright then…

  3. Chanel
    February 4, 2009 at 10:59 am

    That’s it. Im banning myself from this blog. Y’all gonna mess around and get me fired. Got me over here in tears, my boss eyein me like im crazy or sumthin. I’m done. Y’all both won dammit.

  4. Intellectual Hedonist
    February 4, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    While Alise killed you with the foreign language and dead Sea Scrolls I have to say your salt scrubs rebuttal was pure comedy and the Odysseus reference was the best!

    Ladies this was comedy.

  5. Blackberry Molasses/The Rebel Intellectual
    February 4, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    I died. At least 15 times.

    Alise scored some classic hits, specially the sheep that dined on steel and foil. But I hav to call this battle for the Luvvster…. the dead languages and teflon tough. I’m done.

  6. ChiChi10
    February 4, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    I vote Luvvie!

  7. Anonymous
    February 4, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    aight for reals the both of yall is some Gangstar Deciple fools. I can't take it I got bradypnea just from reading this here foolishness. but my vote must be cast as hard as I want to call a tie. I musnt for this must end. Alise always elevates my mind and applies concept from the furthest reagions of the planet and applies the wettest thing to Luvvies head to no avail. But today Luvvie came back and puch bowl ocean bowl down by the river side has made the oceans devoid of hydrogen and oxygen something of a black hole of the treo chemical componants and directed them @ Alise' head to no avil. Today's battle Ife Luvvie.

    I can't take no mo & all I got to say is quit smokin that shyyyiit.
    WuDaMan

  8. S A V V Y Fatty!...uhhh...DUH!
    February 4, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    I was lucky enough to witness this battle LIVE as it nappened…err, excuse my Negroidian slip-I mean happened on Twitter.
    Below are my personal highlights and the criteria I used to judge this cotton coif contest.

    Alise: you are a living tumbleweed, isn’t there a Western movie set waiting for your arrival?
    (For this shit right here, ‘Lise owes me a Swiffer WetJet plus a gift card to BigGirlPannayz.com)

    Luvvie: Rice Krispies got “snap, crackle and pop” from hearing you comb your hair. U created a cereal empire. They thank you
    (Reference to cereal: KILLER!)

    Alise: Your hair was sheared from a sheep that dined on steel and foil.
    (‘Round my parts, there was A LOT of slow singin’ and flower bringin’ after this one)

    Luvvie: If ur hair had a biopic, it’d be called “Oh moisture, where art thou?”
    (Starring George Buffoonery)

    Alise: If your hair was a blaxploitation flick it would be SuperDry
    (While reading this at work, I got type-proactive and voluntarily browsed Craigslist’s employment section as I was sure I’d laughed loud enough to fuck myself out of my job)

    Alise: Your hair should join the mime ministry (because it can’t get out of the box of dryness)

    (**hands Luvvie’s hair a black floor length coat, kid gloves, and white grease paint**)

    And from here on out, the Hurting for Hydration Hijinks just got out horrendously out of hand…
    Alise: If your hair was a computer it would be the original Apple, Dusty and obsolete.

    Alise: and if it your hair was a computer game on said Apple it’d be Oregon Trail

    Alise: If your hair was a comedian it would be D.L. Hughley, Dry and uninspiring.

    Alise: What setting do your put your hair dryer on? Extra Evaporate?

    Luvvie: I use the setting before urs, which is “never existed”

    Alise: I have to pull out different languages to describe it: Pelo arido.

    Alise: les cheveux secs

    Alise: trockenes Haar (German)

    Alise: Dryer than a mug (Ebonics)

    Alise: Your hair description is written in the Dead Sea Scrolls…. and has the moisture of those scrolls too.

    Luvvie: The moisture of ur hair has been lost at sea, like Odysseus. It’s been 10 years since you seent it

    Alise: Your hair is an albatross, dryness hanging around your neck hindering everything you do

    Luvvie: I was floored when I found out that salt scrubs are actually your hair flakes. Ur dandruff is teflon tough!

    …and clearly, by the amount of times her roasts are posted, Low Lube’d Locks ‘Lisey is the victor.

    Still luhh you, Luv! Biscotti braids or not!

  9. NaturallyAlise
    February 5, 2009 at 12:31 am

    @savvyfatty I hate that I love you sooooooooooo much. iDied thrice while reading your comments! (my captcha code: deadia)

  10. Monk
    February 5, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    After losing the first two (IMO), I think this one goes to Luvvie. Luvvie definitely came out strong and ready, hitting hard. Alise came back with the various languages, but for me the knockout blow came when Luvvie said, “No language can sufficiently express the utter aridity of that thang you call “hair”. I call it “straw” But tomatoes tomatos”. The “straw” line was the last “straw” for me. LOL!!

  11. K to the...
    February 6, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Time of death…12:14pm