My Life

I Have Shark Mouth

emoji teethMy smile is huge, and you get to see a lot of teefs. My sis makes fun of me for it but I can’t help it. In fact, I look JUST like the AIM smiley. The shut eyes plus the white blinging teeth is ALL me. In fact, I was thisclose to pursuing a case against AIM for using my likeness for profit. But I let it go.

Anywho, this past weekend, I went to the dentist to get my 3 cavities filled. I was a big girl though, although I’ve never had cavities before so I didn’t know what to expect with the fillings.

Dentists are scary @ me and I try to avoid them as much as possible. How I have straight, white teefs is beyond me. Well, methinks its genetics because everyone in my fam has nice teeth. And you know, I brush regularly and my phobia of halitosis and gingivitis makes me rinse with mouthwash. Plus, I’m too vain to have a busted grill. How can I be fierce with a busted grill? Just… NO. In fact, the cavities I do have are because I don’t floss well. Guess who is carrying floss picks from now on? Mmhmm.

While I was there, I decided to consult with an oral surgeon about my wisdom teeth. They don’t hurt but I’ve been told that its good to get them extracted as a preventative measure. The oral surgeon took digital xrays, and while I waited for him to come in and tell me what he saw, I decided to count how many teeth I saw on the xray. 1..2..3…32… 35??? I counted 35 teefs in my mouth! I thought I was just tripping, so I let the Doc come in.

Me: “Do I really have 35 teeth in my mouth?”
Doc: *chuckles* “Yeah it seems like it. At least you have extra teeth. Some people don’t have enough.”
Me: “Who doesn’t have enough teeth in their mouth?? Yeah thats some “crack-ish” stuff. Do these people that lack teef also scratch their necks often?”

Anyway, I sat there FLOORED because I have 3 extra teeth, not counting my wisdom teeth. That makes 7. How is the jaw of a Homo Sapien, circa 2009 fitting 7 EXTRA teefs? Seems my teeth are in Homo Erectus mode. I’m a human shark! *wall slide*

teeth

All them teefs. And even more disturbing, this is only HALF of ’em. Yup. SHARK MOUTH

Sidenote: The reason we have problems with wisdom teeth and often need to get them taken out is because back in the caveman days, humans had bigger skulls and bigger jaws. As humans evolved and our heads got smaller, our jaws got smaller too, but we’ve continued growing the same amount of teefs. Like trying to fit a football player in a tennis player’s uniform. A painful thing to watch. — This has been Luvvie’s edition of “The More You know”. *insert Q-list celebrity here (Clifton Powell? Rob Schneider?) and shooting star*

The doc then tells me that it would be a good idea to get them all taken out. As in, I should get then all extracted and at the same time.

Me: “Are you serious? Is that even safe? What about all those holes in my mouth?”
Doc: “Well one of the holes from extracting your teeth will be connected to your sinus. So if we don’t close it, when you drink something, it could squirt out your nose. It’s a GREAT party trick.”
Me: *blank stare*
Doc: “We’ll close it”

I’m glad he finds some humor in it. Although I did picture myself in the midst of the club spraying Amaretto Sour out my nose. Could. be. AWESOME! But anyways…

All in all, I will need $3500 worth of tooth extraction. That is 3500 AMERICAN dollars, not pesos or nothing. Hot damn! And my dental insurance is apparently only gonna cover like 10% (BlueCross is on my sh*t list). That is one elective surgery I may elect NOT to do anytime soon. Me and my shark mouth will be walking around until I can raise such funds (y’all could drop $1 or something into my Tooth Fund – that “donate” button on the side. Hopefully, the tooth fund won’t be ruined by my shoe vice :-D)

After getting my cavities filled and getting home, the left side of my mouth was still numb. Walking around looking like Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel was not the business. I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to smile but since lefty wasn’t moving, I looked like Black Elvis. Which made me laugh some more and it made me look like I shoulda been singing “Blue Suede Shoes”. Hehe. It totally made me cackle. I gotta go back next week to get the 2 cavities on the right side of my mouth filled. I’mo run past the oral surgeon’s office and wear a mask so he won’t see me.

********

Edit: Since I have published the post, folks have referred to me as “Jaws”, an alien, and SuperTeef. I think I shall hereby proclaim myself as Captain SuperTeef! I need a cool costume to go with it. Anyone wanna design one for me? 

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21 Comments

  1. The Pretty Brown Girl
    February 23, 2009 at 12:26 am

    Luvvie! Girl, I laughed so hard @ this! We used to call Tee “Lil’ Sharky” cuz she smiles just like that. Even w/the mouth full of hardware she has now, she still smiles like her face hurts. *smh*

    I say you get those wisdom teeth out and just live w/the other extras. They ain’t botherin’ your ol’ Homo Erectus face, so don’t bother them. Come back to DC and go see my oral surgeon, Dr. Bernard. That older gentleman doctor is fine as all day long. Good dentist too…hehehe.

  2. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    February 23, 2009 at 12:33 am

    LOL another reason to call Tee my mini-me!

    And LOL you want me to come to DC to see your fine oral surgeon? Whatcha tryna make me do? Not leave??

  3. NaturallyAlise
    February 23, 2009 at 12:34 am

    Ha ha! Now I have a new insult for you…. Ol Jaws Dramatic Music face… Ol’ Hammerhead Moufed Face…. teeee heeeeee

  4. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    February 23, 2009 at 12:36 am

    Alise – *sigh* Yes I have indeed added to your arsenal of insults. Tis okay. I will send you a pic of my teefs to blind you :-p

  5. amymay
    February 23, 2009 at 1:11 am

    I can’t even breathe from laughing! Imma wake up everybody in the house…

  6. eysqueen
    February 23, 2009 at 7:36 am

    girl you might want to shop around for a cheaper oral surgeon. having just gotten my wisdoms ripped and cracked outta my skull, i know that $3500 is a bit steep. then again, your friends can always do it for ya 🙂 by the way, the funny gas they put you under with is quite fun…almost makes it all worth it.

  7. Ms_Slim
    February 23, 2009 at 11:22 am

    LOL! Girl my dentists told me that too when I had to go in for a root canal last summer. My wisdom teeth are fine but she said (adding on to your cavemen story, because she used the same lol) that since they are waaay in the back there, it’s harder to brush and stuff is likely to get caught and blah blah…so she thinks they should be pulled but its totally optional.

    I considered it until…….I got the root canal bill….of over a grand.

    damn that! lol

    So I’m keeping my teeth; after all, they are the only ones you get…

  8. LibraSong
    February 23, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Me: *blank stare*
    Doc: “We’ll close it”

    This was my favorite part. As I can CLEARLY envision this conversation in my head. Speaking of head, why do you have so many teefs in YOURS?? You gots more pearlie whites than Yolanda Adams…and I didn’t think NOBODY had mo’ teef than her.

  9. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    February 23, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Amymay – Aw naw! Dont wake folks up! lol

    Eysqueen – Gurl you got 4 wisdom teeth taken out. I’d have to get 7 teefs extracted, thus the $3500. I doubt it could be cheaper than that and teeth are something I’m willing to pay for. LOL I dont want no coupon accepting dentist

    Slim – Yes, I’m also keeping these teefs of mine till further notice

    Libra – Yes, I just may have Ms. Adams beat. For shame that the strong booming voice aint come w/ it.

    • tiffany probus
      June 30, 2013 at 2:21 pm

      Hey girl,youre not alone! Lol. I HAD 35 teeth also. Had them removed in hs. Well the wisdom and 3 extra teeth.. my dad had to buy care credit so we could afford it. But i read with the hereditary colon disease i have, one symptom is extra teeth.lol.

  10. suga
    February 23, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Man, I was all set to have my wisdoms pulled until everybody kept reminding me of the pain of it all. All I heard was, “Why would you get them pulled if they aren’t bothering you? All that pain for nothing?” And yes, my dentist explained that it’s preventative since getting cavities back there would be torture, but I canceled my appt after my mom said her coworker had hers pulled and suddenly all of her teeth shifted backwards and she ended up with a huge gap and had to get braces…at 50 years old!! I dont want braces again…and those wisdom teef aint bothering nobody, so they’ll stay until I build up enough courage lol

  11. Monicarolevans
    February 23, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    GIRL!!!!! Just think about all the goodies you are going to get from the Tooth Fairy! Better than that tax refund!

    This post was hilarity as usual.

  12. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    February 23, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Suga – Oh nooooo!!! Not a gap! And I’m definitely too vain to get braces. *wilhelm scream* at the thought of that

    Monicalrol – Man, these teefs are permanent, so the tooth fairy aint coming to my crib *sad face*

  13. sabrina
    February 23, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    I still got my wisdom teef and I’m still down two! We’re gonna come up wit a theme song for you as Captain SuperTeef…your “da dum da dum”!

  14. Blackberry Molasses/The Rebel Intellectual
    February 23, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    I too still have all my wisdom teefus and they ain’t botherin nobody 😉

    Sharkmouth…. Bwahahahahahahahahah!

    Warn a sista next time you gon be so funny. I almost spit vanilla ice cream all over my laptop!

  15. Mary Moore
    February 23, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    YOWCH!!!

  16. Aliya
    February 24, 2009 at 8:22 am

    I’m challenging you to a smile off. 50 dollars says my smile/mouth is wider than yours. My shark mouth would DEMOLISH your shark mouth.

  17. Nikki Wadley
    February 24, 2009 at 11:12 am

    Girl, get those teeth pulled as soon as you get the money. I was told to get them pulled at age 23. I am now 31 and had to experience the worst pain known to man. Get them out of there! 🙂

  18. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    February 24, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Sabrina – YESSSS for theme songs! I will even strike a dramatic pose while you do it.

    BBMo – Sorry. We here at Awesomely Luvvie are not responsible for any messed up electronic equipment from spittage. Hmm… I oughta make that a disclaimer up top or something

    Mary Moore – Thank ya for feeling my pain

    Aliya – I’m SO down for a Shark MOUF CHALLONJ! Bring. it. on!

    Nikki Wadley – Aw naw worst pain known to man. Was it worth than childbirth? (which I wouldnt know from experience but still looks excruciating)

  19. June 1, 2011 at 4:51 am

    […] yeah, that’s about it for me today. Keep enjoying my Shark Mouth post. The comments have me DYING! Share the […]

  20. January 16, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    […] How many teeth do I have in my mouth? 35 teeth (including wisdom). You can call me “Jaws”. But I did refer to having 37 once, so the […]