I Have Shark Mouth
My smile is huge, and you get to see a lot of teefs. My sis makes fun of me for it but I can’t help it. In fact, I look JUST like the AIM smiley. The shut eyes plus the white blinging teeth is ALL me. In fact, I was thisclose to pursuing a case against AIM for using my likeness for profit. But I let it go.
Anywho, this past weekend, I went to the dentist to get my 3 cavities filled. I was a big girl though, although I’ve never had cavities before so I didn’t know what to expect with the fillings.
Dentists are scary @ me and I try to avoid them as much as possible. How I have straight, white teefs is beyond me. Well, methinks its genetics because everyone in my fam has nice teeth. And you know, I brush regularly and my phobia of halitosis and gingivitis makes me rinse with mouthwash. Plus, I’m too vain to have a busted grill. How can I be fierce with a busted grill? Just… NO. In fact, the cavities I do have are because I don’t floss well. Guess who is carrying floss picks from now on? Mmhmm.
While I was there, I decided to consult with an oral surgeon about my wisdom teeth. They don’t hurt but I’ve been told that its good to get them extracted as a preventative measure. The oral surgeon took digital xrays, and while I waited for him to come in and tell me what he saw, I decided to count how many teeth I saw on the xray. 1..2..3…32… 35??? I counted 35 teefs in my mouth! I thought I was just tripping, so I let the Doc come in.
Me: “Do I really have 35 teeth in my mouth?”
Doc: *chuckles* “Yeah it seems like it. At least you have extra teeth. Some people don’t have enough.”
Me: “Who doesn’t have enough teeth in their mouth?? Yeah thats some “crack-ish” stuff. Do these people that lack teef also scratch their necks often?”
Anyway, I sat there FLOORED because I have 3 extra teeth, not counting my wisdom teeth. That makes 7. How is the jaw of a Homo Sapien, circa 2009 fitting 7 EXTRA teefs? Seems my teeth are in Homo Erectus mode. I’m a human shark! *wall slide*
All them teefs. And even more disturbing, this is only HALF of ’em. Yup. SHARK MOUTH
The doc then tells me that it would be a good idea to get them all taken out. As in, I should get then all extracted and at the same time.
Me: “Are you serious? Is that even safe? What about all those holes in my mouth?”
Doc: “Well one of the holes from extracting your teeth will be connected to your sinus. So if we don’t close it, when you drink something, it could squirt out your nose. It’s a GREAT party trick.”
Me: *blank stare*
Doc: “We’ll close it”
I’m glad he finds some humor in it. Although I did picture myself in the midst of the club spraying Amaretto Sour out my nose. Could. be. AWESOME! But anyways…
All in all, I will need $3500 worth of tooth extraction. That is 3500 AMERICAN dollars, not pesos or nothing. Hot damn! And my dental insurance is apparently only gonna cover like 10% (BlueCross is on my sh*t list). That is one elective surgery I may elect NOT to do anytime soon. Me and my shark mouth will be walking around until I can raise such funds (y’all could drop $1 or something into my Tooth Fund – that “donate” button on the side. Hopefully, the tooth fund won’t be ruined by my shoe vice :-D)
After getting my cavities filled and getting home, the left side of my mouth was still numb. Walking around looking like Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel was not the business. I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to smile but since lefty wasn’t moving, I looked like Black Elvis. Which made me laugh some more and it made me look like I shoulda been singing “Blue Suede Shoes”. Hehe. It totally made me cackle. I gotta go back next week to get the 2 cavities on the right side of my mouth filled. I’mo run past the oral surgeon’s office and wear a mask so he won’t see me.
Edit: Since I have published the post, folks have referred to me as “Jaws”, an alien, and SuperTeef. I think I shall hereby proclaim myself as Captain SuperTeef! I need a cool costume to go with it. Anyone wanna design one for me?