The Subpar Grammys 2009: My Review
*Sigh* I feel like the Grammy’s robbed 3.5 hrs of my young life that I shall never see again. It gets suckier by the year but I always tune in anyway. It’s almost sadistic. I tweeted the entire time, and I’m using my Tweets as my outline (and copying and pasting certain things) so if you’ve seen it, Twitter fam, act like it’s your first time. Kthx!
Anyway, I watched a little bit of the Red Carpet and saw Paris Hilton in a piece of napkin that she referred to as “a dress”. I mean, it was so short that I could hear the echoes fro, her vajayjay walls. Uncouth, Paris. Just uncouth. On to the show…
First, Whitney Houston came on and I started hollering. Ms.
Houston looked so good I wanted to snort her! I was hella excited seeing her looking all good and whatnot (and yes, I even chose to ignore the slightly bogus wig). Then she presented the best R&B album award to Jennifer Kate Hudson and I had a Music-gasm. YESSSSS!! My life was SO RIGHT seeing Hudson and Houston on that there stage. J-Hud received a standing ovation. And let’s not even talk bout her emotional speech. It touched my heartspace. The inside part.
Jennifer Kate came on to perform one of my FAVE songs on her album “You Pulled Me Through” and that voice boomed around the whole place! She took us to the altar wihen a choir came to join her to sing back up. Call me a sap but I LOVE when choirs do backup. Then towards the end of the song, J-Hud got choked up and ALL my thug fell to the floor and crumbled. I had to get a tissha! You besta SANG, Jen!!! I heart she. I wanted to fan myself with white gloves afterwards.
Then came the most nerve-wrecking 5 minutes of the night. The performance with MIA, TI, Lil Wayne, and JayZ. I spent the entire time nervous because MIA looked like she was 8 cm dilated and was liable to pop at ANYTIME. Kids ain’t ‘posed to be borned on no stages. She did her thing though, being 11 months preggo and whatnot. Kept up with the fellas and waddled at the right places. She best WORK!! We will give her a pass on her outfit, looking like Minnie Mouse with all them polka dots. Shoot, I’m convinced when the performance was over, she went backstage and started pushing. The performance was enjoyable though. Probably one of the best of the night.
TI and Justin Timberlake also performed a song and it was really good. I did try my best to ignore T.I. and his WayneHead (remember that cartoon?) hat. Not sure if the back of his head has this magical suction power that kept that hat from falling off. Well this performance did kind of make up for JT’s earlier one and it reminded me that JT still makes me swoon sometimes. He is a cutie.
One of the bombest performances was Lil Wayne and Robin Thicke (with his velvetty smooth voice. I heart him). Then, they brought some Nawlins’ Second lining and kicked the party up a notch. I dug it.
EH moments (I could have done without these to cut down the time)
During Coldplay‘s performance with JayZ was just OK to me. And I noticed that JayZ had refused to comb his nappy roots. Maybe he is avoiding the barber until Obama’s first 100 days are up. I don’t now but Bey needs to sit her man down and forcefully comb his hair. Chris Martin’s super tight pants made me feel some concerned for any future children he may want to have. His scrotum has NO breathing space.
Miley Cyrus and her BFF Taylor Swift (who?) performed some acoustic song that bored me TO PIECES! I think my head accidentally hit the desk while watching them. SNOOZE!
KidRock performed and I swore I was transferred to 1998. I rebuke his performance (hell, his presence alone) in the name of music relevance. Was there NO ONE else available? Dude hasn’t had an album, single, or autograph request since at LEAST 1999. I just didn’t understand.
Neil Diamond came and performed “Sweet Caroline”. Did I hop in the DeLorean and go to 1975? See paragraph above to why I rebuke it. I felt like I had taken a stroll on the Vegas strip. I just don’t damn know why they even felt this necessary.
Oh, and tribute to the Four Tops, where Smokie Robinson an’ em (included Ne-Yo & Jamie Foxx) sang. At one point, Jamie was at one end of the stage while everyone else was on the other. That fool didn’t learn the choreography.
They had way too many country music performances. I felt like getting a banjo and chewing on some straw. Or telling my man that he doesn’t remind me of Sweet Home Alabama.
Lowlights (aka WTF moments)
Justin Timberlake, his shiny suit (a la Puffy cira 1998), and Al Green had a performance that could only be explained as STRAIGHT HOLLERATION. They spent 5 minutes in pure falsetto. I was like WTF? Not only that, but Boyz II Men sang back up. BACK.UP. How are yall gon have the Men II Elders as just back up? I was slightly ashamed for them. Anyway, all the falsetto and hollering from JT and Ol’ Al made me think their set was an imitation of what Patti and Chaka’s would have been. All the shouting with none of the fierceness. BOOO!
The MAIN reason why the Grammy’s wasn’t shit. A performance by the Jonas Brothers featuring Stevie Wonder. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a typo. As tweens everywhere screeched in glee, I sat in front of the TV just horrified. I was hella offended for Stevie. Whoever his team is don’t like him, First, they refuse to tell him that his hairline has staged a mutiny against him and ranaway, and now this. And the worst part is that Stevie FEATURED for them. I was pissed! It’s like Angela Bassett being LisaRaye’s understudy. Music WEPT! iCant. iWont. iShant. I reject it. I abhor it. Twas music blasphemy, and I won’t stand for it!
Soon after this came the performance betwixt Kanye and Estelle. When I laid eyes upon Mr. West, I was through. iQuit Kanye, his Prince of Zamunda haircut, and that ridiculous disco ball jacket. Ol’ “The Royal Penis is clean” Face. Not in ’09. I will not! Kanye is sooo extra for no reason at all. Estelle looked her usual awkward self, like she was playing in someone else’s clothes. I don’t get her. Their performance was just OK too. I just spent most of it mad at Kanye’s get up so I am biased.
Natalie Cole came on to present an award with P.Diddy and someone else (can’t remember who). According to my friend LibraSong, Natalie Cole looked like “One of the ghosts that would haunt Pepa in a Salt N Pepa Christmas Carol”. Diddy had the nerve to have on some jeans, a white tee, and a lilac leather jacket. Didn’t he know he was coming to the Grammy’s? That fool is more G’ed up on Making the Band. He coulda put on one of his many shiny suits or something.
At one point, T-Pain and Will.I.Am came on stage to present an award, which was won by Lil Wayne. We had the 3 ghosts of coon present all on the stage at one time. I have never felt the need to loofah scrub myself more than at that moment. All that yuck mouf, natty locs and just plain uncleanliness grossed me out. None of them looked like they made an exception for Grammy night and actually bathed. My TV screen got murky by their presence. That level of coonery has not been seen since the last episode of Flava of Love. UGGHH!!
The ending of the wards show was as anticlimactic as it could be. Album of the year went to some old dude I had never seen. WOMP to the entire Grammy team. WTF? I don’t even care anymore. I had technically stopped giving a crap about 3/4th of the way through.
As the show ended, Stevie Wonder was on stage singing. Folks started clearing out and the closing credits were rolling. I just shook my head. Why are they treating the legendary Mr. Wonder like a deaf, mute, blind AND paraplegic stepchild? This ain’t right. I shake my fists vigorously at the whole Grammy coordinating team and oughta write them a sternly-worded letter for disrespecting a legend so many times in one night.
Ok, now to address the obese, obnoxious purple elephant in the room. The whole Chris Brown and Rihanna situation is just sadness. Word is that he ponned her fo’head and inflicted bodily harm. Although it hasn’t been explicitly confirmed that it was her, it is presumed to be her since both of them were missing from the awards show. He betta not “Take that Bow” in jail lest he wants to be Adebisi’d. Not to make light of the situation because it is tragic. But DAMN, Chris. For real? And word according to Bossip.com is that the whole argument popped off because Rihanna gave Chris herpes. But WAIT yall. This hasn’t been substantiated yet so it is still rumor. And I ain’t the one to gossip, so you ain’t heard that from me 😉 (Cool points for anyone who gets the reference).
Dang this post is long as hell, and I even omitted some stuff. LOL hope you made it though the whole thing. If you did, I thank ya.