Dear Tyra

I was watching the new season of America’s Next Top Model last night with the Twitterfam and I was driven to write a sternly-worded letter.

Dear Tyra,

You know I love you right? In all your draggish glory. You’s a tall glass of vitamin water (no Wanda Sykes). I’s writing you because this 56th season of ANTM has gotten off to a rough start, and I’m not sure it can get better. I am concerned, because my Wednesdays depend on your “models” and their ability to intrigue me. However, from what I’ve seen, them fools couldn’t entertain a turtle. I shall list my complaints somewhat chronologically.

I know I ain’t the thickest chick walking on this part of the Equator but I was shocked at how skinny a couple of the chicks were. I mean, some looked like they needed lard-filled IVs. Some looked like they needed to use telekinesis to walk because their bodies did not seem strong enough to support them. One chick even said her body was a temple. And Tyra, I had no other choice but to side-eye her because she knows her body was more like the shifty alleyways of a ghetto. I wanted to tell them “If your body was such a wonderland, then you wouldn’t look like a walking peppermint stick.” I digress.

I’s tah’d, Tyra. There were a couple of other things that made me say give major side-eyes. Including, but not limited to:

  • Homegirl who looked like a Bratz Doll and had a blood fetish. Who in their right mind WISHES to have nosebleeds? iRebuke her
  • Angelea and her horse hair phony pony. iRefuse

And Ma Banks. I’m concerned. You must be out of ideas. These photoshoots are getting outta pocket. Do you need me on your creative team? I bet I could come up with better shoots than childhood games at the playground. Is your budget getting cut in this recession too, Tyra? I mean, if playing in the dirt is what is now “haute couture” then dayum. That is just sadness. And I coulda sworn y’all didn’t even have that playground locked down for the shoot. Methinks I saw lil Timmy push Sasha off the swingset in the background. Times are rough.

But of all things that made me angry, Tyra. Of ALL things, was the African girl, Sandra. She is officially my archnemesis. My new goals in life are to 1. find the edges of her hair (because there is CLEARLY an Amber Alert out for them) and 2. to prove that all African girls aren’t the resident villain (see also: Nnena from season 43). I mean, really though. Why does the African chick on ANTM always have busted hair? Methinks you’re purposefully making my Fido Dido look-alike sisthren over the ones that are more put together.

I call BULLSH*T. Shoot, I’m glad she’s not Nigerian though, otherwise I’d be sending her a certified letter requesting that she hands over her passport ASAP. Ain’t no countryman of mine putting on looking like an upside down paintbrush (the ePosse and I spent literally 1 hour roasting Sandra and her unfortunate hair. Our IG convo is over at House of IG. iQuit ALL of them for sucking me into their typhoon of foolishness).

In fact, Sandra is potentially pretty, and her hair situation wouldn’t have been so bad had it not come with that piss poor thang she calls an attitude. If her attitude was a person, it would be a homeless crackhead with bad credit. Maybe she’s just upset because her hairline ranaway with Stevie Wonder’s. Them follicles are somewhere wading in the water in the Underground Railroad. Word to Harriet. And the kicker is that even with all of this, you kept her on the show. I just don’t understand you sometimes.

On a good note, Tyra:

Your lace front wig was looking mighty proper. Your part was perfectly centered, and your forehead was not as tall as usual. Kudos. Also, I thank you for still having Nigel Barker on the panel. He makes me wanna sully the sabbath. And for Miss Jay. When he does his catwalk, he gives LIFE! Do you hear me? LIFE! That is one FIERCE kitty. Can you introduce me to Miss Jay? Me and him could SO hang. He would be the Jack to my Karen.

Also, I liked Tahlia (the girl who was a burn victim). She just oozed positivity and her outlook on life was mad inspirational. She’s the anti-Sandra. I want to send her a care package of stuff like fluffy cotton candy and caramel popcorn, while I want to send Sandra a bag of coal and rusty nails.

Iunno, Ms. Banks. Is it time to hang up them stilettos and let ANTM ride into the sunset in a bedazzled, embroidered and sequined House of Dereon horse saddle? If it is, I will still heart you no less. Plus, I will let the old seasons keep me company on vh1 marathon reruns (favorite being the Eva-YaYa season. Close 2nd, the Danielle season).

Faithfully yours,


P.S. Oh, and is it true, Tyra? I heard you’s focusing on girls that are 5’7 and under for the next season of ANTM. My time has ARRIVED, Jeebus! *packs tacky clothes, plastic jewelry and leaning kitten heels*. I’s READY for my closeup.

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  1. (fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik]
    March 5, 2009 at 9:34 am

    Sandra is pure evil incarnate.

    I'm talking "Serpent & The Rainbow Evil"

    The evil that spits green pea soup evil…

    The evil that could scare the clown from "IT".

    100% no hairline having E.V.I.L!

    I rebuke her in the name of Tyra Lace Fronts that can be bought on ebay for $199.99!!

  2. The Pretty Brown Girl
    March 5, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Tyra owes each and every one of the viewers of ANTM a personal explanation and apology for all that is “Sandra”.

    She’s from around here. I bet not see that devil chile in the streets!

  3. (fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik]
    March 5, 2009 at 9:50 am

    I swear if I saw her “Moesha/Brandy/I’ve worn braids way to long ass” I’ll just bump her on G.P!

    And then slip her some monistat for those edges..lol

  4. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    March 5, 2009 at 9:54 am

    Fungke – Ain’t Sandra the spawn of Beezlebub? Just evil for no reason!!

    PBG – You gon jump her on sight?

    Me no likes overly ornery people, and Sap-maned Sandra is one of em

  5. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    March 5, 2009 at 9:57 am

    Oh and Fungke, I still quit you for that monistat comment. Ain’t you ‘sposed to be in someone’s corner right now?

  6. NaturallyAlise
    March 5, 2009 at 10:21 am

    Their bodies ain’t temples, they are shanty-towns… or as PBG said on twitter: Pissy PJ elevators LMAO!!!

    March 5, 2009 at 10:23 am

    Are you Nigerian? The context clues pointed to yes but I can be slightly slow in the mornings! I am too 🙂

    I firmly believe Tyra has lost her mind. Everything is “Tyra is really passionate about this…so you must do this…” Its almost as if her talk show has bled onto the actual show. No thanks Tyra I just want to watch Top Model.

    I agree the shoots need to revamped something major. And I am horrified in her choice of Sandra. What are you trying to prove Tyra? What?

  8. Booga
    March 5, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Awww. Another season started?! Man, I missed last season altogether b/c they kept changing the station and channel.

    But about the African models, it reminds me of American Idol. They will get some gorgeous, marketable, talented Black women on there, only to cut them in favor of often downright ugly or untalented Black women, men and white/non-black people. Why won’t they let our flyest represent? I’m mad at that.

  9. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    March 5, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    LMAO Alise! The shantytown killt me!

    Lioness – I am indeed Naija! Green-white-green love!

    Booga – Its a conspiracy lol

  10. chick on a stick
    March 5, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    I think that Tyra kept Sandra to avoid having anyone say that she got rid of the one darker girl… however I am inclined to believe that there are about 700,000,000 other dark brown sisters that wouldn’t make in between my toes itch with their irksome voice…
    So very tired of Sandra and it’s on the first week….
    on a more positive note, I did enjoy this letter….hoping that we have a weekly series of letters…

  11. (fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik]
    March 5, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    I mean damn, how long do I have to be in a corner?? LOL!

  12. Gem of the Ocean
    March 5, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    i haven’t watched the last few cycles of ANTM but this whole blog entry made me die 1000 tiny deaths of laughter.

    but this…
    “Iunno, Ms. Banks. Is it time to hang up them stilettos and let ANTM ride into the sunset in a bedazzled, embroidered and sequined House of Dereon horse saddle?”

    did me in for the big one!!!! pls explain to your ePosse-sister, my e-twin, how you done kilt me dead today.

  13. Rolake
    March 5, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    isnt that aminant girl nigerian? i LIKE her! i thnk she should win! lmao sandra and her parched hair…oh my my my my this made me titter for quite sometime…im reading this as i “tutor”

  14. sabrina
    March 5, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    Funlarious!!! Sandra is another in the line of evil “I must be the bitch” black girls. These twitches need to eat a sammich and take a big girl pill!

  15. ChiChi10
    March 6, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    I think she she the face, but her attitude leaves much to be desired.

  16. Luvvie
    March 7, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Chick – LMAO @ making ur toes itch. And yes, I may make these letters a weekly series.

    Fungke – Your time in the corner is directly proportional to how IG your comment was. And urs was quite IG. But you’ve been punished long enuff, You can come out now.

    Gem – Dayum! How’s I sposed to tell my eSis that I made her eTwin flatline? Shoot!

    Rolake – I think Aminat is Nigerian. She’s acceptable. I like her.

    Sabrina – YES and YESSS!

    ChiChi – Her attitude is the pits!

  17. suga
    March 19, 2009 at 12:53 am

    Tyra irks me to the point that my underarms itch, so I havent been able to watch ANTM for the last few years, but this letter was HIGH larious.

    Sending out a search party for the girls edges? Say it aint so. lol