The 2009 MTV Movie Awards was a Fail
Y’all already know what time it is. AWARDS SHOW REVIEW TIME!! *crowd goes wild* (and by “crowd”, I mean “no one”). The victim is the MTV Movie Awards, which isn’t known to be the best, despite MTV’s lax standards of etiquette. Anywho, I live-tweeted the show, and my followers were kept company with my running commentary. Tis my outline.
I was gonna do a highlights/lowlights recap but seeing as how the whole show was a lowlight, I will just do chronological order.
So anyway, ONWARD…
First, I was getting off the high of watching “The Hills” season finale so my mood was elevated. The MTV Movie Awards began with an opening sequence that had Andy Sandberg, the host, dropping in on the different movies that have been popular this year. His “Slumdog Millionaire” cameo left him covered in feces, and it was THAT point that I knew this would not end well. He stopped through “Twilight” and “Star Trek” too and somehow ended up naked. This carried through to where he was in a limo with Justin Timberlake. As he exited, his Mr. Bojangles ended up in JT’s face. Who’da thunk that this was foreshadowing what would be the best/worst moment of the night?
* Why did Andy Sandberg have his stand up begin with fart jokes? Your name is NOT Rob Schneider. Who does fart jokes (especially off the bat)?
* Why did Ashley Tisdale have on Wedged Air Christs? They did nothing to flatter her legs. She came onstage to accept her award and I couldn’t stop wondering what were on her feets.
* Why did Megan Fox’s extra stern ponytail make her look like an extra from “iRobot”? Her forehead was TIGHT!
* Could Shia LeBouf’s pants get any tighter? Homeboy was rocking denim leggings and looked like he was breathing in short spurts.
* You know I heart Taraji right? Why was you hollering when introducing Eminem? Was she tryna make up for the fact that no one else was that excited? Just wondering…
* Why did Eminem look all emaciated and gaunt? Homeboy looked like he needed Sally Struthers to plead on his behalf. Why was I so unmoved to see Eminem? Oh yes. It’s 2009, not 2003.
* Why did I cackle so loudly when I saw Will Ferrell (as Neil Diamond) rocking that red sequined jumpsuit? That was THE highlight of the entire show in my book. He had on a House of Dereon Fall 2010 Men’s Collection Prototype. Btw, I LOVE Will Ferrell, and wished he would have hosted the show. The dude wakes up and pissed funny (and of course, excellence).
This was also the only amusing part of the show. Their song called “Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions” was hilarious.
* Why does Robert Whathisface from “Twilight” get hyped up as being so fine? Dude looks like post-mortem and perpetual shock. Plus, his arrogance whenever he came on that stage just about made my eyes twitch. Him and his socket surprise hair need to go sat down.
Then came THE BEST/WORST moment of the night.
* Why did Bruno Mars land ass UP into Eminem’s lap? His sausage and eggs was all in Em’s face. All types of uncouth. I was at home cringing as I watched it. Who wants to see a grown man with his butt in someone else’s face like that? Em’s team wanted to go IN on Bruno. If this moment wasn’t planned, then F Eminem’s life for being desperate enough for attention to go along with it. If it WASN’T planned, then F MTV’s life for thinking it would be a good idea. UGH. MTV should fire everyone that had a part to play in that. Em and his crew ended up walking away in a huff and a puff.
* Why was there a medley of Andy Sandberg’s random songs from Saturday Night Live? LeeAnn Rimes, A Dude I forget, and Forrest Whitaker did opera versions of “Jizz in my Pants” and “Dick in a Box.” Rewind. Forrest Whitaker?? How did his agent allow him to partake in that foolishness. He shoulda slapped someone with his Oscar at the suggestion. I was like WTF?
* Why was there so much cussing? First, some dude said “Dick” and it wasn’t censored. Then came the “WTF Award”, and every other word being spoken by the presenters was bleeped out. At one point, my ears started ringing from all the bleeps. I didn’t know I was gonna be watching “The Osbournes”.
* Why did Miley Cyrus rock a dress that blended in with her skin? Jeebs be some color contrast for her. Thought she was naked and had some loose skin. TURRBLE! Plus, why was she hollering?
* Why was Zac Efron’s hair swooped 47 degrees to the left and covering his eyes? How’s he gon be swagger jacking Aaliyah? *HEATED* Him and that WRAP of his that would make the editors of “Black Hair” sooo proud need to stop.
* Why did “Twilight” win fifty-eleven awards? Was it really that good? Or did the power of the tweenager carry it?
* Why does Denzel Washington STILL make me think thoughts that would make Mary Magdalene blush? SHEESH! On the sabbath too??
*Why did MTV take 2 hours of my life I can’t ever get back? I can’t even get store credit. I should have tuned out to better things like watching my toenails grow.
There was no rhyme or reason to a lot of the ish on the Awards show. Jeebs be some new writers for MTV because all their current ones need to be handed pink slips unceremoniously. Either that or they need to send that bunch to Remedial Comedy 101. Shoot, do they need ME on their team? I could roast til the cows come home (or until Lil Wayne takes a shower. Whichever comes first).
To ALL of this, I say to MTV…
This show was an EPIC FAIL and MTV doesn’t even get an E for effort.