BET Hip Hop Awards was Wack (it didn’t disappoint)

So the BET Hip Hop Awards were last night, and I had to watch (especially after my sis called me to tell me she’ll expect my recap in the morning. All that pressha). I did the usual and live-tweeted it. Foolery ensued.

Since BET Awards was nothing but lowlights, I’mo just write this in question form. if y’all got answers, let me know.

*Why am I sick of seeing Jay-Z everywhere? I’m not a hater but dang. I’m kinda bored by seeing his performances everywhere.

*Why doesn’t The Dream have a neck? He had his collar popped and it was touching his forehead. Po’ thang’s chin was making skidmarks on his chest.

*Why am I upset that I now know who Gucci Mane is, since he performed about 50-eleven times. I’ve gone this long without knowing who he was. BET had to ruin that for me. Now I could pick him out in a lineup and I’m NOT pleased. THEN they made him do some kinda PSA. I don’t even know what he said in it because I kept expecting Forrest to come by, since he sounded just like Bubba Gump. Coconut shrim’, bbq shrim’, shrim’ creole… As if that wasn’t foolish enough, why did this fool rock a jeweled WISK around his neck? iCan’t.

Sidenote: Why hasn’t the designer Gucci filed some kinda trademark-infringement suit against Gucci Mane? He has single-handedly made me give them Gs the side-eye.

*Why were all the backup dancers so wack? Maybe it was because the choreography was elementary as hell. That’s what you get when you let Keisha, the neighborhood tip drill, put together dance routines. Where’s Laurie Ann “Boom Boom Kack” Gibson when you need her?

*Why was I jealous of Snoop‘s perm when he came out? Dude’s hair STAYS fried, dyed and laid to the side. It was blowing in the wind too. But umm… I did give a blank stare when I saw the “Parental Advisory” sticker on his crotch. O__O “Parental Advisory” indeed. All that comes from that area has to be smoke from all that toking he does. I don’t damn know sometimes.

*Why did Soulja Boy decide to perform while rocking every piece of jewelry he’s bought since he got his first royalty check? I mean, dude’s neck looked busy. He was gonna mess around and cause self-afflicted scoliosis. Such a classless wonder.

*Why was CeeLo looking like a Christmas ornament, with that red sequined jacket he had on? CeeLo saw Dorothy’s ruby red slippers & said “I want that in jacket form.” and they indulged him. I guess it works though, because he looks like one of the Oompa Loompas.

*Why did I not know MOST of the performers, and could not recognize them if they had on name badges with their names AND pictures on it? I wanted to ask “Ha’po, who dis peoples???”

*Why was the ONLY highlight of the show this cyphers? ONLY.

*Why did they pick Nicki Minaj to cypher? I’ve gone this long without hearing her music and BET went and changed that. WOMP!

*Why didn’t someone tell KRS-One to kindly give the camera some space? He was all extra close. His jagged teefs are scary at me and I was afraid that his nose was gonna snort me whole through the TV. EEK!!!

*Why did Black Thought come through there and KILL that cypher? HE DEED THAT. “Bipolar like Phyllis Hyman.” *drops mic* Can you imagine him and Soulja Boy in the same room? iCan’t. iWon’t.

*Why did Eminem show folks he’s still the dopeness? Mr. 8-Mile kinda slayed hoes effortlessly with his.

Presenters and Recipients 

*Why did Mike Epps swagger jack Malcolm X with that suit and jacket? I wanted to holler “We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock…” He was a decent host though.

*Why does Diddy‘s new group “Dirty Money” not curl all the way over? Diddy joined forced with Dawn from Danity Kane & Estelle’s 2nd cousin removed by marriage together in a random ass group with a random ass name. I’ont get it.

*Why were Kriss Kross’ lil brothers (New Boyz) on there doing the Butterfly 2.0 in their extra skinty jeans?? WOMP!

*Why’d I start squealing when Kid N Play came on the stage and did their dance. I wanted “Poison” to start playing, but alas, it didn’t. I pouted a little. But uurrumm Kid was looking kinda rough bout the face. He had more bags under his eyes than a purse depot.

*Why’d they have to make Tiny‘s “Short Yellow Bus” self accept T.I.’s award? Don’t they know that everytime Tiny speaks, an angel loses its wings? Then the fool had the nerve to emphasize the part where he said “Thanks to Tameka, the lady in my life. The best I ever had.” I rolled my eyes so hard, my iris quit me. T.I. ain’t say no WIFE, Tiny. You and your 3 engagement rings still ain’t taken an oaf (not oath, but OAF) before Gawd and your mama.

Anyway, where was I?

*Why did Busta Rhymes decide to look like he did a drive-by at the Louis Vuitton store? iDig Bussa Buss but he was doing the MOST with that outfit of his.

*Who’s funegro was Fatima Robinson going to? She was real classy-like, don’t get me wrong, but she seemed to have stepped outta Sister O’Dell’s wardrobe. Guess she was mourning the death of Hip Hop. Or at least, the death of pants that fit Hip Hop artists.

*Why’d I wanna Lil Mama the stage when I saw Ice Cube? He’s adorabo! ‘Member when he had a soulfully glowing jheri curl and an attitude? He was all scary back in the day. Now he’s all cuddly, looking like he smells of baby powder and Downy. Heyyy Cube.
Sidenote: Why do ALL rappers have jacked up names? His name is O’Shea? Was his mama high on epidural when she named him? 

Doc: Whatcha wanna name him? 
Mama: Iunno. Oh shi* I’m in pain! 
Doc: O’Shea, it is! O___O

*Why was Jim “Pig Pen” Jones giving a PSA? Onliest thing he needs to pledge is DAILY showers in AJAX! UGH! I jus wanna spray holy water and bleach on jim Jones ERRTIME I see him. Then I’d scream “The power of Christ compels you!!!” He looks like he reeks of dirt, hot dog water and FAIL. iHate Jim Jones w/ the intensity of 1,000 bottles of PineSol!

The BET Hip Hop Awards was full of f*ckery, was low budget and was boring. All in all, BET didn’t disappoint. It was everything I expected (so basically, nothing).

*Reads post* Dang. I didn’t even mention any awards that were given out… *pause* *blinks* Yeah neither did BET … barely.

Photographs: WireImage
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