You’re not a model if…

I was minding my OWN bitness yesterday when #urnotamodel became a trending topic (aka one of top ten most tweeted topics at the moment – for the non-twitteratis) on Twittah. I wasn’t even on there at that time because I was actually doing work (keep that O__o to yourself. Haters) but folks came looking for me. It was a PRIME topic for my roastaholism.

I feel like I’m a humanitarian, telling folks about themselves, one roast at a time. I don’t aim to be a dream killer or nothing but… I just want to save folks the heartache of someone else telling them that they are not models. Everybody and their mama on Facebook and MySpace think they are one, captioning their pics with “America’s Next Top Model” as their friends cheer them on (enabling asses). The devil is a LAH!

But I am here to let folks know that they just may not be the next Chanel Iman (who I think looks like Olive Oyl, but that is neither here nor there). I have compiled a list of surefire ways they can tell.

This ain’t you. Shoot, they’re barely models themselves.

You’re not a model if:

  • Your portfolio is 90% backshots. Your butt should not be more more recognizable than your face. You’re not a model. You’re a tip drill walking credit card swiper.
  • Chicago Larry is your manager. That creepy crawler is nobody’s agent. He’s a belligerent dummy who knows Ray J (yet another belligerent dummy).
  • The only photographer you’ve worked with used a Polaroid Camera and blew on your pic to develop it. You’re no model. You’re just a fool who took pictures with a fellow fool with equipment. Please upgrade your life and seek a different career
  • You’ve had to “make it clap” while taking those pics O__O. This just makes you a stripper that doesn’t move much or get singles thrown at her.
  • And never will be if you’ve got more dimples than Lauren London… in your thighs. Please saddown. Don’t nobody wanna see that. You may want to invest in a career where apparel is necessary.
  • The only catwalk you’ve ever been on was for church holiday bazaar and was coordinated by Sister O’Dell and the Ursher board. Your outfit was a fierce white suit with chanclatta heels and a matching obnoxious church hat. THIS doesn’t make you a model. You’re just a sanctified mannequin.
  • If your idea of giving FIERCE is wearing your wayward brother Lil Darrell’s pink fur coat shrug.
  • You’re 5’2. Face it. You’re too short. Let it go. It wasn’t meant to be.

With that being said, please read and take it to heart. If this offended you, then you must be one of the non-models of the world. If it makes you feel better, you could spend your mornings smiling with your eyes in the bathroom mirror.

So yes, this PSA has been brought to you by AweLuv LLC Inc. The More you know. *Shooting star behind P-List celebrity*.

Did I miss any other surefire ways to let folks know that they are in fact, NOT models?

Edit: Thanks to Tunde for reminding me. I will be posting the male edition of this list tomorrow. Stay tuned for the roast of the guys who think they are models.

Edit 2: I may have been lying about doing edit 1. I’m on some laziness tonight. 

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