Famous folksLetter

Dear Sammy Sosa, You Look Like A Vampire

I’m sure by now, you’ve seen a picture of the new and (not so) improved Sammy Sosa. It has more than earned this week’s sternly-worded letter.

Dear Sammy Sosa,

What in the name of all that is good, holy and sanctified are you doing? Who died and had you replicated as their phantom? You look like a body that drowned, 2-hour post mortem. Looking like an extra from the “Thriller” vidjo. Or maybe the body double for the chick in the “Exorcist.” Your mug has made its way into haunting my hope and dreams, and the unicorn that typically protects them ran away when it saw you.

Why do you think it’s okay to look like Casper Garcia, the Dominican Ghost? You don’t e’em gotta say “BOOO” to scare anyone. I definitely wanna throw some holy water on you and scream “The power of Christ compels you! EEK!

Sammy Sosa Bleaching vampire

Ok I ain’t gon say nothing about his jheri curl from the farthest left. Nor am I gon mention his teenage-like pizza acne face. I won’t. He looked decent in the middle there. He may have gotten a wink from me. The right: iCan’t. I just CANNOT.

When did you start looking like the Ghost of FAIL Past, Present and Future? No, really. I’m curious. How did you go from a chocolate, decent looking fella to this pasty, white-ish ghoul? I just don’t understand. I saw your face and did a *CHAIR SLIDE* unto the floor. That is how alarming it was.

What happened, Sammy? What made you decide that you didn’t like the chocolate drop that you were? Light ain’t always right! You’ve been messing with some bleaching cream, ain’t ya? Step AWAY from the bleaching cream. It ain’t worf it, Mr. Sosa. It ain’t worf it. Who mixed up this concoction? They don’t wish you well. What was in it, clorox? Jeebs be some protection against skin cancer for you because you clearly gon’ need it.

AGAIN:

sammy-sosa vampire

I rebuke it.

Then to make matters worse, you got gray colored contacts, knowing DAMN well the good LAWD ain’t give you them naturally. Like the skim milk-colored epidermis didn’t make you look enough of a fool. Yet and still, you weren’t done. To add insult to injury, you got your fresh relaxer touchup going. Your perm is fried, died, laid to the side and greezed up. That is what I like to call a “Slicky Ricky.”

Between all those and your past steroid use, you got more chemicals in or on your body than Chernobyl. I’m surprised your whole self hasn’t melted to the ground in a Lye accident. All for what? To look like look like you got on whiteface (if such a thing was so exist)? Lighter eyes, lighter skin and uber straight hair.

Girl BYE gif

iCan’t with you or anybody who endorses your foolishness, including your wife. You need a “FOOL SADDOWN” gift basket with a “Quit EVERYTHING” coupon code. Going from a potential baseball hall of famer, to being publicly embarassed for cheating and possible steroid use to… this. You’ve FAILED.

Self-hate is a bitch, ain’t it? Looking like you inhabit Transylvania and survives on a diet of neck blood. NO SIR!

Yours in side-eye dom O__o and scariness,

Luvvie

P.S. If you didn’t actually bleach your skin and this is a medical condition out of your control, forget I wrote this letter. And act like it said “Sorry to hear about you having *INSERT MEDICAL TERM HERE*.” And also, I’ll need you to cosign the letter of forgiveness I’d have to send the Big Guy Upstairs. This is all IF you didn’t bleach.

Previous post

These Childhood Shows Rock My Socks

Next post

American Music Awards Was Underwhelming

40 Comments

  1. @NaturallyAlise
    November 11, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    …you know i am loving the unicorn reference. oh yeah, you are foolish. that is all.

  2. K to the...
    November 11, 2009 at 3:25 pm
  3. K to the...
    November 11, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Regardless of the reasoning…he still looks and orange (not plum) fool!

  4. Ms. Smart
    November 11, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    OK so, on another site, this was discussed. Someone said she had a skin treatment for deep acne scars and her skin lightened this much too. But once the treatment is done, her skin color went back to what it was. Hey, I'm just sayin'…

  5. Mr. Smart Guy
    November 11, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    I think he just wanted a fresh start – http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a78/nursetpd/TSB

  6. Cheekie
    November 11, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    I first saw this at Bossip and I had to hit 'continue' to even see who the eff that was. He looks like a totally different person. If "person" meant "Clorox Advertisement", of course.

  7. maxfab
    November 11, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    oh good God Luvvie I really need you to stop being so effing hilarious. I mean, really. I'm tired of peeing my pants every time I visit this blog.

  8. BlackBerry Molasses
    November 11, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Annnnd… NO ONE ELSE NOTICED OL’ BOY HAS A CONK IN HIS HAIR AS WELL?! Its mo’ fierce than Billy D’s in The Empire Strikes Back! Self hatred transformation- complete.

    and in my opine… he was FOINE when he was his reglah color. Now he looks like a ghost of himself. Him so scary @ me!!!!

  9. miss t-lee
    November 11, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    When I first saw that photo on Monday I said "what in 'da heyll is that?" (Ya'll know I'm country). All I'm gonnna say is ain't all the skin rejuventation in all the world to make you turn 12 shades lighter…no sir, I don't like it!!! (shouts out to Mr. Horse)

    Now…he's trying to blame it on the lighting too. C'mon son! Sammy…how about you blame it on the bleach, ammonia, borax, whatever you used heyll IDK.

  10. miss t-lee
    November 11, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    I concur. His face looks like that bad makeup that they put on dead folks…ay dios mio!

  11. Blackberry Molasses
    November 11, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    that's what I get for posting before reading the entire thing. iFail.
    but yes… his conk is slaying hoes. Chicks with short hair cuts are MAD at him.

  12. miss t-lee
    November 11, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    I'm really mad at you for that SS/MJ gif….dayum CTFU!!!

  13. Tea
    November 11, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    Someone's Tweet yesterday said "I got a lightskinned friend look like Sammy Sosa. Got a dark skinned friend look like Sammy Sosa." iDied.

    Then you gone say he look like Slicky Ricky. iCant take this FOO-LISH-NESS. It's too much!

    • Dani C.
      September 12, 2013 at 1:50 am

      I literally just snorted!!!! HEE LAR EE US!!!

  14. Lite Bread
    November 11, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    Yer Mostest High Awesomelynessis,
    Why am I ALWAYS on the wrong side of the slope on these things?
    I just spent $100.00 on a Winter Tanning package tryin’ NOT to be White.
    Geezzz, I’m so confused sometimes …

  15. Informally Yours
    November 11, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    Tain't enough rejuvenation in the world to explain those GREEN cont-tacky's and that Idlewild slick back. That is when you have made a conscious decision to look a foo' (HE doesn't deserve the L at the end).

  16. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    LOL I thought you would

  17. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    A DAMN LAH! He aint rejuvenating SHAT!

  18. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    Hmm… I still demand more people from em all, with a notarized letter syaing "we aint lying"

  19. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    LMAO!! A part of me jus died a lil. Thanks for nothing, Smartie.

  20. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    Gurl I get shocked everytime I see this pic, like its the first time or something.

  21. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    YES! He does look morgue game propah!

  22. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Umm… I'd suggest u start wearing diapers b4 u read here. I'd hate to be the reason u pantsless. See? I care and ish

  23. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Gurl he jacked Pat Riley's hair. Iunno who told him that was okay. They were mistaken

  24. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    YES! Why is he tryna tell this wack lie to us, when his skin looks like used relaxer on dirty hair. iCan't.

  25. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Ok, I just DIED @ "I got a lightskinned friend look like Sammy Sosa. Got a dark skinned friend look like Sammy Sosa." Who said it? I MUST follow them immejately!

  26. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    LMAO!!! Dont go tanning too much and looking like George Hamilton. All leathery and orange.

  27. Luvvie
    November 11, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    HA! The "L" at the end of "fool" is just too good for Sammy. iAgree. And u bout killt me w/ Idlewild slick back. LOL!

  28. LoudPen
    November 11, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    Wow….wow…wow. Between Luvvie's awesome letter & Sosa's foolery the pen is silent. Po thang, she'll get some ink & be all the way refreshed.

  29. Trini Nerd
    November 11, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    I dunno yes… I'm still hoping this is a like joke Sammy play on us, cause to decide to make yourself look like that…lawd….

    • Petranilla
      September 11, 2013 at 4:13 pm

      Just like that fool Vybz Kartel.

  30. @LilMissStrange
    November 13, 2009 at 5:29 am

    Oh NO Soul Sister! This self hating negro said it was some kid of cream…and was considering doing some advertisement for it!!!!

    Im coming back with the link…..

  31. @LilMissStrange
    November 13, 2009 at 5:30 am
  32. September 11, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    LOL @ gift basket with a “Quit EVERYTHING” coupon code

  33. sexxychckn
    September 11, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    I hate you for making me giggle like a little gurl on the crowded train ride home. But I luvs for making giggle lie a little gurl on the crowded train ride home. The Jem and the Holograms Gif…..straight up Guffaws!!! Go sit in the corner. And think about what you’ve done….. (then do more tomorrow)

  34. Keta Berrie
    September 11, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    “Casper Garcia, the Dominican Ghost” I cackled.

  35. September 13, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    Bleaches love Sosa, they love Sosa. (c) my friend, Fire

  36. […] As the Bitstrips abuse continues, I am sad for some of you sisters of mine who got your cartoon version looking like a white woman. There are folks who are the color of milk chocolate in real life but their Bitstrips is the color of white chocolate and they keep hurting my feelings. My SOUL is bothered by some of my Facebook friends right now. I wanna be like “Beloved, who is that white woman? Surely that ain’t you.” Ladies, please embrace that gorgeous brown skin because I’m wondering why your cartoon got the Sammy Sosa bleach treatment. […]

  37. J
    October 26, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    This whole website is shallow and superficial. I just happened upon this randomly googling something completely unrelated to sports, sammy sosa, or the gossip mills.

    Why don’t you do something useful and important with your life?

    Call me a hater for saying that… call me whatever you want… but really, what is the point? Don’t you feel empty centering your life around such trivial things??

  38. jme
    March 14, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    That “girl bye” GIF!!!!! Tears coming out of my eyes.