APimpNamedSlickFront. Whose Uncle Is This?
Ok I really debated whether I should blog about this dude because I’ve seen him EVERYWHERE online this past week. The FIRST time I saw him was on Miss Jia’s blog and I almost fell out my seat from laughing so hard. Last Friday, Thembi did a post on him too. So I was wondering whether he was ALL blogged out. Oh, and he’s my Twitter background right now.
Anyway, I introduce you to Allen E. Brown aka APimpNamedSlickFront aka The Pimp Who Murked Me. He is actually a pimp in New Jersey who was running a prostitution ring, and ended up being sentenced to 18 years in jail.
How do I roast thee? Let me count the ways.
There was a news story written about him talmbout:
“When Brown first walked into the courtroom…his hair was styled exquisitely, with wavy strands curled on his forehead and a long thin ponytail hanging over his shoulders.”
*flatlines* Here lies Luvvie. She came. She Saw (the pimp). She fell out. So young. So promising. Did I write this story and forget to add my name to the byline? The fact that the reporter put this in an otherwise straight-laced story pretty much DID ME IN! It murked me entirely.
I took ONE look at this picture and had roast tourette’s. Let’s make a list of ALL the things that are wrong with this picture. I’d probably save time if I listed everything that was right = NOT A DAMB THING!
1. Does this man have gelled down bangs in individual S shapes?!? Like for realsies? I bet he used all the brown gel he could find in a 10-mile radius to get this look. And you see the perfectly parallel strips of swoop?!? Hair looks crispy as well, like a burnt cheeto chip. iCan’t.
b. This dude has the nerve to have (what he considers) groomed eyebrows. LAWD!!! Walking around looking like (~__~) is NOT the business. Someone (probably him) sat in front of a mirror with a razor and was like “Man, my eyes gon be GETTING IT!”
3c. This belligerent dummy has on colored contacts. Sir, we ALL know you weren’t born with the hazel eyes. Can you please stop the madness? I just… I really want to start a petition against colored contacts. But that’s another post for another day.
IV. For the piéce de resistance, this classless wonder has a stringy ponytail attached to the back of his head. That thing looks like what I picture Voldemort’s wand resembles. Except instead of being made of Phoenix feathers, this is made of the tail of a project rodent woven together. iREFUSE.
APimpNamedSlickFront got an 18-year sentence. I bet 17 of those years was for looking like he did. If this ain’t a crime, Iunno what is.
AND he’s missing teeth?!? If I didn’t know better, I’d say his existence and sole purpose for being on this Earth is to give me roast material. Every fiber of his being is roast-worthy. Wait… is his sideburn shaved into triangles?! No. I just. I’m done.
Whose uncle is this?!? You can speak up. It’s okay. We won’t shame you for more than 7 years. If my relative looked like a shaded version of a villain from an Anime cartoon, I too, wouldn’t claim him. But that’s because I’m shallow.
P.S. I see how you do it, Jersey. I SEE’D YOU! Lol
It is time to write that book. Come into The Book Academy and learn how to go from IDEA to INK.
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56 Comments
I am writing this from the grave! *DEAD*!! I’m sure you heard my *cackle* all the way from the Chi! This ninja is a hot-oiled mess! I can’t stop staring at the picture all the while cracking the hell up! I’m about to move out of Jersey, he done gave us Jerseyans a bad, horrible, horrendous name. Smh!
Aw naw!! He’s UR state kin?!? LAWD!!! I ain’t the one to gossip, but I’d move too. LOL
.-= Luvvie´s last blog ..APimpNamedSlickFront. Whose Uncle Is This? =-.
Well I guess somebody liked it he went to jail so he must have women. Probably a stable of dumb chicks!
Uhm.
What?
I just can’t, with today.
I’ont blame u.
.-= Luvvie´s last blog ..APimpNamedSlickFront. Whose Uncle Is This? =-.
Definitely vommed in my mouth just a lil bit after looking at these pics…UGPH!
Yeah, APimpNamedSlickFront does make one want to regurgitate lunch.
But wait!!! What about the diagonal cuts in the beard? So sessy. Reminds me of the SessyStud. Excuse me while I go fill up his commissary. You gots to keep him in Tootsie Roll pops.
LMAO!!1 Why am I still laughing at “SessyStud?”
Lmao!!!!! Im dying over here
Yeah, when I first saw this, I fainted upwards.
I cannot DEAL with that super-long babyhair. What is it’s purpose? Is it an extra-gelled lacefront illusion? I bet Brandy and Ne-Yo is salivating over this hairstyle right now.
.-= Cheekie´s last blog ..The Hat Trick =-.
Pray tell. How does one faint upwards? lol
I’m so glad you stopped where you did, because now I feel compelled to point out that Sir Pimptastic is not in possession of all of his teeth.
Dude looks like he ain’t e’em got HALF his teeth. SMH.
*FLATLINED* I now have my entire office cracking up at this picture. I blame Chili’s grown ass babyhair for this. Apparently she didn’t buy enough brown gel cause he’s definitely got holt (yep holt) to some.
I think he’s a distant relative of Shannon Sharpe. He looks like he part he hair with a hot spoon.
LMAO! Look at u. Got the whole office acting up.
But wait, then he has a teench of straw sticking out of his nose. Cuz when there’s finger S’ you gotsta have a nose ring. This is truly the Pièce de résistance.
Luvvie – how could you forget his utterly exquisite manscaping on his beard? That’s some “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” skills right there. His picture needs to be on the board at the eye doctor at the bootom line. The optometrist wont even have to ask what you see. If you start screaming, you don’t need glasses
.-= I Am Your People´s last blog ..Lindsay Lohan: Not Trying =-.
You make a great point. This would be a cheap eye exam. But something tells me that folks who can’t see well would still see the awfulness of this pic. EVERYONE would scream.
Everytime I see this photo I just scream out, “Why, Oh the Humanity of it all”!!!!!
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Feeling Stationery =-.
Nothing about this pick is humane. Not ONE thang.
NO, one noticed the TISSUE earrings in his ears. I am in tears laughing at this dude. Pure comedy.
So let me get this straight…he spent all that time working on his “ponytail” and yet couldn’t even get some Vaseline for those dry, crunchy lips?
No thanks!
Right! He gets a “NO MA’AM!”
Yaaaassssss! Dry AND crunchy. I want to whip every chick’s arse that EVER gave him a piece of her hard earned change. He is a cruel joke.
I can’t!! OMG I can’t breeve!! LMAO
My stomache hurts from laughing so hard.
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Who burped him up? Sho’Nuff from some black karate flick in the mid ’80s.
I think i’m getting the glow
“Who burped him up?”
*DEAD* Not Burped! LMAOOOO
I should not be laughing this hard at 3 in the freakin morning!!!! Lawwwd this was a funny azz post!!!
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I REFUSE to allow him to shame Jersey! REFUSE! First Snookie and her crew and now this…Can we please talk about his chalked in beard? A MESS!
I have died and need to be laid in Jesus’s tomb soo I too can resurrect from this. dhnfvhsdhgshmbsjh!
OMG…..I could NOT stop laughing at this. I was so fixated on the exquisite wavy strands, I didn’t even notice the side ponytail action until I read the caption underneath the photo. Wow!! *still crying*
Can-not-stop-laughing, that’s a shame.
I am new to your blog and love it by the way :0)
Why hasn’t anyone touched on the fact that this guy is a PIMP??!!?? What kind of fresh shiggity is going on when a woman is so desperate to sell her cooter that she would seek out the most ratched-looking specimen she could find? How could a woman not be doubled over in laughter when he approached her with some pimptastic line to sell his case as to why he should be her pimp?
And why does his mouth look like a jack-o-lantern 10 days after Halloween?
So many questions, so little time…
OMG…I can’t take it..I am bout peeing myself with your post RozB…you are so right on!!! I am still bellyrolling it hurts…I just cant stop..for real!!!
That is the most amazing do I think I’ve ever seen.
With those eyebrows he would be the first black vulcan
So. Many. Questions.
1. Do they keep gallon drums of Pro-style brown gel in the jail or did one of his bottom bitches bring it to him?
2. Did he eat the missing teeth in his mouth?
3. The ponytail. What is it made of? Is it the stuff Jermaine Jackson uses to mold his flat top?
4. The tissue earrings and beard work. Is there like a cottage industry in jail for that type of thing or no?
But…here’s to the nightmares i’m about to have. Jesus and his cross are rolling in sadness somewhere out there.
O.O
Why didn’t I notice the ponytail until I read it in the article, and then it somehow magically appeared? LMAO!! I’m about to get fired..
There has to be a word stronger than “ratchet.” Because this guy is like the pope of supreme high holy ratchetness. (Also, Jersey: I’m from Oklahoma. I feel your pain. I’m willing to trade you all our conservative politicians for this guy, Snooki, and an embarrassment to be named later.)
But wait…he took all that time to slick his hair to his scalp…but couldn’t grab the vaseline for those lips!?!?! There are not enough seats for me to offer. Here, have some curb.
What the hell is that sticking out of his nose???????? Can no one else see that it’s like a burnt piece of broom straw, wtf.
Another birthday present! I only discovered Luvvie on my birthday (teef keef post, classic!!!) and she has yet to fail me! Love ya Luvvie!!!
Ok……when I happened upon Mr. Slickfront’s photo I thought he used a sharpie to draw this”style”, I then read there is a…..ponytail…..I won’t he has some dental irregularities ad well.
He looks like a Villain. A wicked caricature of himself. Wow.
This brotha got 13 teef! 7 in his mouf and 6 in his pocket! This fool looks like the victim of a drive by tooth snatchin. He got so much gel on his dome You could bust him in the head wit a BRICK, and it’s gone crumble into dust. I never saw someone wit a gated forehead! Who is selling their a$$ for him??? He look like his breath smell like, “Hell Naw!!”
*sighs*
Miss Jackson, go to your room. Stay in your room. DO NOT COME OUT OF YOUR ROOM. Seek Jesus while you are there. #drivebytoofsnatchin
A pimp called “Struggle Hair”. That is all.
dat aint rite like my bigg mama say!
This is an old pic. He died in prison 3 years ago.
http://www.nj.com/hudson/index.ssf/2011/12/jersey_citys_prince_the_pimp_d.html
Ok…I know im late but howbout I thought his ponytail was a microphone stand….no seriously I did/died
I immediately thought, wow she missed the fact that he only has 5 teef (teeth) and triangles cut in his side burn but, then I read the fine print…lol
#notmyuncle
NO ONE roasts a mofo like you do Luuvie LMAO – had me falling over laughing 😛
My daughter posted this to my FB timeline through the night so THIS is what I woke up to!! Had me choking on my coffee and every stuff LOL I #sweatergawd I flatlined
The comments actually gave me my life back
>_> #icantevenknowwhattosay #StruggleHair
I has questions:
1. How you get done up like that in jail?
2. Since when can you get colored contacts in jail?
3. He needed a very sharp razor for this. I’m thinking styling kept him from killing himself.
4. Do you remember Demolition Man and how Sly came out of being cryogenically frozen as an expert knitter? Perhaps Pimps McGee here in some sort of “horrible hairstyles” educational reform program.
5. I demand to see him when he runs out of commissary. Because that picture of him without all of this? Priceless.