APimpNamedSlickFront. Whose Uncle Is This?
Ok I really debated whether I should blog about this dude because I’ve seen him EVERYWHERE online this past week. The FIRST time I saw him was on Miss Jia’s blog and I almost fell out my seat from laughing so hard. Last Friday, Thembi did a post on him too. So I was wondering whether he was ALL blogged out. Oh, and he’s my Twitter background right now.
Anyway, I introduce you to Allen E. Brown aka APimpNamedSlickFront aka The Pimp Who Murked Me. He is actually a pimp in New Jersey who was running a prostitution ring, and ended up being sentenced to 18 years in jail.
There was a news story written about him talmbout:
“When Brown first walked into the courtroom…his hair was styled exquisitely, with wavy strands curled on his forehead and a long thin ponytail hanging over his shoulders.”
*flatlines* Here lies Luvvie. She came. She Saw (the pimp). She fell out. So young. So promising. Did I write this story and forget to add my name to the byline? The fact that the reporter put this in an otherwise straight-laced story pretty much DID ME IN! It murked me entirely.
I took ONE look at this picture and had roast tourette’s. Let’s make a list of ALL the things that are wrong with this picture. I’d probably save time if I listed everything that was right = NOT A DAMB THING!
1. Does this man have gelled down bangs in individual S shapes?!? Like for realsies? I bet he used all the brown gel he could find in a 10-mile radius to get this look. And you see the perfectly parallel strips of swoop?!? Hair looks crispy as well, like a burnt cheeto chip. iCan’t.
b. This dude has the nerve to have (what he considers) groomed eyebrows. LAWD!!! Walking around looking like (~__~) is NOT the business. Someone (probably him) sat in front of a mirror with a razor and was like “Man, my eyes gon be GETTING IT!”
3c. This belligerent dummy has on colored contacts. Sir, we ALL know you weren’t born with the hazel eyes. Can you please stop the madness? I just… I really want to start a petition against colored contacts. But that’s another post for another day.
IV. For the piéce de resistance, this classless wonder has a stringy ponytail attached to the back of his head. That thing looks like what I picture Voldemort’s wand resembles. Except instead of being made of Phoenix feathers, this is made of the tail of a project rodent woven together. iREFUSE.
APimpNamedSlickFront got an 18-year sentence. I bet 17 of those years was for looking like he did. If this ain’t a crime, Iunno what is.
Whose uncle is this?!? You can speak up. It’s okay. We won’t shame you for more than 7 years. If my relative looked like a shaded version of a villain from an Anime cartoon, I too, wouldn’t claim him. But that’s because I’m shallow.
P.S. I see how you do it, Jersey. I SEE’D YOU! Lol