I’m Wack on Wheels
I’m one of those folks who’s better on solid ground. I’m a GREAT walker. I can walk with the best of them. I can power walk, strut, skip… all’a that. Just don’t ask me to run or nothing. I’m allergic to that.
It’s when you ask me to do stuff on foreign objects that the problem begins. I’m all sorts, types and kinds of useless on wheels.
I can’t skate (roller OR blade)
There was this one time when I went to a skate party when I was like 10. It was my first time in skates. I decided I was gonna put them on and go on the rink with everyone else. Yeah… NOT smart. I held the edges for some minutes and then let go thinking I had a hang of it. LAWDDDD I slid to the middle of the rink and promptly feel flat on my ass. one of those banana peel falls from cartoons. To make matters worse, I couldn’t get up because everytime I tried, I slid again. Before I know it, an employee of the rink had pulled me by my collar and dragged me to where my sis was sitting talmbout “Is she yours?” My sis just sighed and said “Yes.” That was the last time I was on skates. My ego was TOO hurt.
I can’t ride a bike
WHAT?!? I was a TV kid. I wasn’t all outdoorsy. I was a book worm who loved to watch TV. Bikes did not interest me. Then the times I did try to ride a non-tricycle, I busted my *ss. I’d get on a bike and expect the wheels to balance me. I’d hop on from the left and me and the bike would fall to the right. The times I caught the bike from tipping all the way over, I still failed. I was just like, ya know what? Ain’t gon be no Tour de Frances in my future. Although when was little, I had a dream of me and my cousins cruising down the streets in bikes. My subconscious has a sense of humor. It’s ALSO a jerk.
But my BIGGEST fail is that…
I can’t drive
Folks always wondering why I’m forever taking cabs (and getting kicked out for trying to pay with debit cards). Well it ain’t because I like to be accosted by a rude Ethiopian man or lectured by an African elder. It’s because I don’t drive and I’m ALWAYS late somewhere. It’s nothing to me to get on public transportation. But I’m just never on time, so I’m usually left with cabbing it.
It’s not just that I don’t drive. It’s that I CAN’T drive.
Me: Hi, my name is Luvvie. And I can’t drive.
Everyone: Hi Luvvie!
I took Driver’s Ed in high school, just like everyone else and passed the written test. But I never took traffic. I was just like “well whatever. I’m not getting a car so what’s the point?” Then I got to college and I didn’t need a car because it was Smalltown USA. The bus system was TIGHT! And I was the Queen of SafeRides (school system that’ll pick you up from one point and drop you off. I may or may not have even taken this to the club a coupla times. But that ain’t what we talmbout). If none of those were options, one of my friends was usually going my way. I hop in their car, no biggie.
I graduated from college and moved back to Chicago, where public transportation can take you most places. 4 years after my move, here I am. Still without a Driver’s license. I’m so useless. I blame the convenience of the big city for my uselessness. My friends have offered to teach me to drive. They’ve taken me driving in parking lots. I can circle an empty lot like an expert, ya heard me? I even parallel parked between two trashcans in parking lots before. Everytime they offer to let me drive on a real road, I cower like a little biznotch and yell “BUT I’M NOT READYYYY!!!” and proceed to run away.
But I have now decided to get a license. Methinks the time has come for me to *sigh* learn to drive. With this resolve in mind, I’m going to go to driving school. They make me feel safe because the instructor has a brake on their side. So mmhmm. I’ma do it. WATCH OUT WORLD! Luvvie’s gon take on the road!!! I’ll be the chick driving slower than the Grandmother and clutching the steering wheel for dear life.
When I told my girl Renisha, she laughed so hard she almost choked. She’ont know my struggles! So am I the only adult running ’round these parts without a license? I’m pretty sure I’m one of 2 people who can’t ride a bike though. That’s just a mess.
Luvvie Elsewhere Today:
* Shoutout to the Past (LuvvDivine)
* I’d give my appendix for these shoes (MustLuvvShoes)