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Dear Lil Kim, This Nicki Minaj Beef is Tired

This letter to Lil Kim has been a long time coming. And everytime I lose my vigor to write it, something else happens. Sit back. Enjoy.

Dear Lil Kim,

Hey gurl hey. *deep sigh* You know I used to be a fan of yours, right? Your songs went HARD in the gahtdamb paint! “Crush on you” will always be my stuff. “Jump off” was my jam! “How many licks” made me wash out my ears with holy water, but it was catchy. And you were cute as a button. Now, with plastic surgery, you look like an Asian mermaid. But that’s neither here nor there. This ain’t what I’m here for.

Ennehweighs, Kimberly. I’m here to talk about your actions in these past *counts on fingers* 6 or so months. Or whenever it was since you started this beef with Nicki “I do the most ALLA TAHM” Minaj. I lost track of time because I was too busy not giving a damb. So you start this beef about Nicki swagger jacking your steeze and not paying homage. At first, I was all “You know what? Nicki could tip her hat off to you once or twice because she put on the same green wig you had on in the Crush on You video.” I admitted that to myself and others.

Lil Kim Orange Face

That is the SAME side-eye we’re all giving you, girl.

THEN, that one interview where you mentioned that turned to 20. Everywhere you went, you made sure to throw massive OVERT shade at Nicki Minaj. And how you were here first. You spread the gospel of her lack of paying homage to you. And how you feel disrespected. EVERY. SINGLE. INTERVIEW. Nicki Minaj tap dances on my last nerve. BUT is she sposed to shout you out and say a prayer to errtime she gets on stage?

GET SOME CLASS ABOUT YOU, LIL KIM! Madonna ain’t on a worldwide press tour pissing on Lady Gaga. Elton John coulda come on stage and snatched Cee-Lo clean off it at the Grammy’s on Sunday. Ellen could EASILY sue Justin Bieber for trying to be her little brother. But you don’t see none of them acting out in this manner. Foxy Brown ain’t asked none of youse that’s walking round with hair that looks perpetually wet to #PayHomage. Just saying…

Lil Kim, you are TOO grown to be acting like someone who got picked last at kickball. Remember when Jennifer Aniston spent 5 years talmbout how brokenhearted she was bout Brad Pitt leaving her? Yes. That’s you. Like how Latavia was on “Real Housewives of Atlanta” STILL crying bout being kicked outta Destiny’s Child. It’s been 28 years. GET SOME NEW BUSINESS!

I was a FAN too. Until this foolery.

We ain’t e’em gon talk about that interview you did where you came at Faith Evans, talmbout she was stalking you and BIG. THAT WAS HIS WIFE. YOU WERE HIS JUMPOFF. Listen… I don’t have time.

As if all of that wasn’t bad enough. Then you wanna release a mixtape dedicated to dissing Nicki Minaj and calling it “Black Friday” as some sort of shade to Nicki’s “Pink Friday.” Kim, you ain’t had a hit album since Tower Records still existed. Now you want to put all your energy into a diss record? Chile, you got priorities MESSED up. You could DEFINITELY be spending time on releasing a quality album that AIN’T about your archnemesis. GURL…

Then you went and tweeted this last night:

Lil Kim tweet

Ma’am…

Wait what??? Your mixtape sold HOW many copies WHERE? You release your mixtape on PayPal??? I didn’t know that PayPal had a storefront. Your people couldn’t hook you up with an Etsy or Big Cartel store? They just set you up on PAYPAL? You’re ALREADY losing. Furthermore, you sold 113K copies? Are you REALLY sure about that? I don’t think we believe you. At all. You mean 113,ooo people spent $10 in this recession for a mixtape. From you. Via Paypal.

Whitney Houston I Wanna See Receipts gif

AND the mixtape isn’t downloadable. You have to buy it and then you’ll get it shipped to you. Kim! I say KIM! What are you about??? Are you burning individual CDs on Windows Media Player, signing them, licking envelopes and sending them off??? Ma’am, this is not a good look.

Lil Kim, Rihanna’s CD’s available for $3.99 on amazon. And you ‘specting us to buy your raggelly mixtape for $9.95 on Paypal. Ma’am ——> And you talmbout you’re #1 in PayPal sales. When you’re the ONLY, you can be #1. I’m the #1 Luvvie with a Kufi & Dashiki on so… (-___-)

I’ont e’em LIKE Onika. So this pains me to have to tell you to go find a seat and occupy it. Why you so mad #doe, Kim??? You’re too busy looking like a funhouse mirror reflection. Get off Nicki’s annoying proverbial balls and sat. down.

I. DON’T. HAVE. TIME.

Yours in wig snatching,

 

 




P.S. I ain’t touch on it much but seriously. Lose your plastic surgeon’s number. He doesn’t mean you well.

P.P.S. Nicki Minaj went platinum. Your mixtape went to the market and got promptly returned. WELP…

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86 Comments

  1. February 16, 2011 at 8:14 am

    That aint her side-eye Luvvie, that’s one of the 5 faces she’s permitted to make since 1999. That face encompasses nerves, stomach virus, perplexity and #Struggle.

    • Shi
      February 16, 2011 at 8:32 am

      OMG I hate you so much for that. 🙂

    • February 16, 2011 at 9:59 am

      You are dumber than a box of rocks, LV. lolol

  2. Christi Wampler
    February 16, 2011 at 8:21 am

    First of all, that picture of Lil Kim? I thought it was Snookie with no make up. THAT hurts.
    Second, all this talk about Lil Kim and Faith Evans and Biggy and Foxy Brown and Destiny’s Child took me straight back to my college days and 1997. I totally had a Foxy Brown single TAPE that I jammed to on my way to the lame-ass facility that they call a “club” in East Tennessee.
    Third, why on earth is she being interviewed so much? Was Keith Sweat busy? SWV canceled? I’m confused.

    • February 16, 2011 at 9:15 am

      Thank you. I’m glad I wasn’t the onliest one thinkin’ Kim was morphing into Snooki’s lil OompaLoompa ass…

      I’m only a little mad at the Keith Sweat/SWV references. (Just because I didn’t think of them first #doe.)

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:02 am

      Yeah Lil Kim does look like Snooki’s day off. I can’t deal. And gurl yes. CLEARLY it must be slow news days for her to continue being interviewed. Either that or folks just like to instigate, and they know that having her on their show would only heat up the beef.

  3. CeCe
    February 16, 2011 at 8:22 am

    The laugh I needed.

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:03 am

      😀

  4. Kay
    February 16, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Gurl….Finally!!! Kim has gotten on my LAST nerve that I usually keep on reserve for prime time coons….So glad you snatched her Yaki….I use to be a fan when Biggie wrote her material and she wasn’t a life sized Mrs Potato Head….But now? I treat her ass like I do the dude I lost my virginity to…like Iwon even know you…shame faced that I use to fuck with you once…Girl, bye!

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:40 am

      YESSS!!! Biggie sho’ll did write her stuff back in the day. When he died, clearly, Kim’s sense did too. That’s when she started transforming into the creature she is today w/ all the surgery. I ain’t got time for Kim!

  5. shi
    February 16, 2011 at 8:34 am

    AMEN! Luvvie, you give me my life.

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:43 am

      *curtsies* I be trying… lol

  6. February 16, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I’m so glad you wrote this letter. Kim needs to have every seat on the House Floor with all this mess. I loveded that girl back in the day! I can still rap along with every salacious lyric on “Hardcore”. This chick is embarrassing all her fans. I need Ms. Jones to do better.

    • February 16, 2011 at 8:50 am

      Copy and paste. This, above, is thee truth.

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:49 am

      Pretty damb murch!

  7. February 16, 2011 at 8:40 am

    These types of posts are the ones that people like Kim should read. Cuz, it’s clear that they are living in some sort of delusional fog. I never thought that it would be possible for Kim to make me hate her as much as I do now. Now, I actually am a Minaj fan, but Kim’s foolishness makes me like Nicki that much more. And, that’s just sad.

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:50 am

      RIGHT! That’s the crazy part. I was a Lil Kim fan. Now she wants to force me to go like Nicki just cuz she wants to act raggedy.

  8. Nana
    February 16, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Luvvie, you said everything that needed to be said. Full Stop.

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:50 am

      Glad you think so!

  9. rainebeaux
    February 16, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Nuff respect due, Luvvie. Chuuch.Preach.Tabernacle.Synagogue. *closes piano* thankyouandgoodnight.

    [Table Six needs more people and extra mild sauce…all this (alleged) beef and Kimberly Ann’s doing dolla store steak knife SoundScan numbers…fuggoutaheah. (THIS, in part, is why I’m about to quit all but classical and jazz.)]

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:48 am

      *tips hat* You’s so kind to me.

  10. Michelle B
    February 16, 2011 at 9:06 am

    LAWDAMURSEE! This Blessed my soul! Too funny. You a funny lady. And truthful too!

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:48 am

      Thanks ya kindly!

  11. February 16, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Completely random but why did I think that was Shar Jackson in that first picture? Mo to the, E to the…

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:47 am

      LOL!!! Not Shar! HA!

  12. Constance
    February 16, 2011 at 9:09 am

    You are some kind of foolish. You know that? Neway doe, I agree wholeheartedly. It is a sad and unfortunate situation, but ah well. I’m gonna blame it on the anesthesia. As many times as she’s gone under, it’s got her mind all wrong.

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:47 am

      Lil Kim needs to blame it on bad life decisions.

  13. February 16, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Poor Kimberly clearly needs more people. Alas, as evidenced by all this paypal nonsense, she cannot afford aformentioned people.

    Now for a little call and response…
    *Who gotcha wig, Kim?*
    *Luv gotcha wig, Kim!*
    *Who gotcha wig, Kim?*
    *Luv gotcha wig, Kim!*
    Haaaaaaaaaayyyy….Hoooooooooooooooh!!

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:47 am

      LMAOOOOO!!! Amy, you stoopid.

    • February 17, 2011 at 11:00 pm

      best. comment. ever. lol…

  14. MsHeaven
    February 16, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Is that really what Kim is looking like these days? She is obviously using the same plastic surgeon that the late Kang Miko used…if MJ was looking a hot mess, what made her think she would look better?
    Luvvie you’ve said all that needs to be said. I wish someone would sat Kim down & force her to read this!

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:46 am

      Like I said, her plastic surgeon does NOT like her.

  15. February 16, 2011 at 9:56 am

    An Asian mermaid! Bahahah. I love you for this, Luvvie. Did someone send this to Lil Kim?

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:45 am

      I just try to speak truths. And someone oughta send it to Kimberly.

  16. February 16, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Ellen could EASILY sue Justin Bieber for trying to be her little sister.

    After I read this line, I couldn’t focus on anything else in the letter. Ion’t EVEN know why I read your blog while I’m at work. Go away, Luvvie. Just…GO AWAY!

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:45 am

      Psht, but I’m saying #doe…

    • February 16, 2011 at 2:43 pm

      I felt the same way! WHY do I read anything by Luvvie at work? Eh well, if I get fired for literally laughing out loud, it’ll be well worth it! Between Ellen suing Justin Bieber and the Latavia reference, I was completely through! But srsly doe, Kim! Kim! Those of us who USED to love you, we now hang our heads in shame!

  17. February 16, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Lil’ Kim needs a job. A real one. Can’t one of the Real Housewives adopt her as their Kim? Cause she’s made for beefin’.

    As for this sad mixtape, I wonder if we can call the Better Business Bureau on Kimmy Blanco, Inc. when she doesn’t mail out the Black Friday mixtape after a month? Cause you know that mess ain’t gon’ be mailed in a timely manner.

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:28 am

      *dead* @ Kimmy Blanco…for some reason, I’m perfectly prepared to cuss out any knucklehead who is trying to sell a bootleg copy (oh, you know somebody got it like Sam Goody!) of this hotmessterpiece on the ‘bidness’ end of the green or red line…

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:44 am

      Kim needs a job, hobby, mentor and life coach. She needs something to occupy her time. B/c beefing w/ Nicki Minaj shouldn’t be her only pasttime. Esp when Nicki’s barely thinking bout her. And yeah I hope Kimmy Blanco Inc is an actual business cuz… (-___-)

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:49 am

      @rainebeaux I don’t think we have to worry. Even bootleggers have quality control standards these days, and Kim ain’t cuttin’ it.

      @luvvie You know that business is about as real as the snowglobes sitting on her chest.

      NOTE: When I said a Real Housewives needs to adopt Lil’ Kim as their Kim, I meant Kim Zolciak from RHOA. You know, someone who delusionally believes they are God’s gift to the music industry and blessed with talents beyond her possession. It read confusingly to me after I posted it so I wanted to clarify.

  18. February 16, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I laughed so hard I effin cried. Kim is a hot ratchet ass mess & needs to have a damn seat. 133,000 copies, girl goodnight.

    • February 16, 2011 at 12:20 pm

      And good day.

  19. spilt_daydreams
    February 16, 2011 at 10:54 am

    This was damn funny.

  20. February 16, 2011 at 11:10 am

    This right here had my dyin. Made my day. Lil Kim’s been trippin…Ya I used to like her, but not enough to be a blind fool to support all this mess. Her beef with Nicki…i just can’t. And those comments she made about the Notorious BIG movie after it came out. She said Naturi wasn’t a good choice to play her because homegirl can’t act and aparently Naturi looks nothing like her. Kim said Christina Milian would’ve been a better pick. I have a few things to say to that: A) I guess you skin bleach done bleached your memory too, because you seem to forget you weren’t this light when you first came out…Christina Milian? no. B) Could y’all imagine Christina Milian’s corny ass tryna rap? BAHAHAHAHAA the visual kills me every time.

    ps….Luvvie, I’ve been following this blog for a little bit now, and I’ve been following you on twitter…(I swear I’m not stalking you lol) you are hilarious. I’m a fan.

    • February 16, 2011 at 2:32 pm

      I used to like her too. But her ass has lost her good mind! I can’t e’em support this foolishness.

      Thanks for the love, chica!

  21. February 16, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Picture this (in my head, but don’t worry…there are emergency exits)…

    Jesus: due to scheduling conflicts–getting ready for my encore, you understand–I am unable to drop kick Ms. Jones through the goalposts of life as planned, but if someone would please summon Choice [showing my age here, but wave your MLK/funeral home church fan if you remember her] and/or Millie [Jackson, that is] to do so in my absence, I would greatly appreciate it. Also, get Sam Fine on the Batphone for makeup since Kevin is up here bringing the fierceness…

    • February 16, 2011 at 11:37 am

      *make that Kevyn. oops.

      • February 16, 2011 at 2:33 pm

        Aucoin FTW! I gotchu!

    • February 16, 2011 at 12:11 pm

      This whole comment set my soul on fire!! LMAO!

    • February 16, 2011 at 12:19 pm

      WHY MUST I HOLLER???? Rainebeaux, please go put yourself on timeout for this. IMMEJATELY. Kthxbai! lmaooooo

  22. February 16, 2011 at 11:33 am

    You were wrong about one thing Luvvie. She didn’t use Windows Media Player it was Roxio. Get your facts straight dear!

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • February 16, 2011 at 12:20 pm

      Not Roxio! *cackles*

  23. Golden_Godess
    February 16, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    “Foxy Brown ain’t asked none of youse that’s walking round with hair that looks perpetually wet to #PayHomage. Just saying..”

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOO..Ok, I hollerrrrrrdddddd so loud while I laughed at this mess!!! Luvvie girl, u surely hit the nail on the head. This was definitely a home run. Lil Kim looks like a lil turd w/a zipper weave nthangs. I used to be a fan but she is harping on some shit that aint even helping her existence right now.

    I personally think she looked better 4 surgeries ago but that’s just my honest opinion. She is starting to look like Michael Jackson’s mini me.

    • February 16, 2011 at 2:26 pm

      I’m saying #doe… But the fact that you called her a turd w/ a zipper weave. Yeah… I’m pretty sure I’m done.

  24. February 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Giiiirl, I had to post this on and FB and twitter. Your are a hot mess!

    • February 16, 2011 at 6:03 pm

      Thanks for spreading it to the masses!

  25. Mike
    February 16, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    The tears…they fill….my eyes… #hilarity

    • February 16, 2011 at 2:25 pm

      *hands you a tissue*

  26. February 16, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    See if Lil’ Kim had the original nose that Morgan Freeman gave her, she’d know that somethin’ don’t smell all’away right about selling mixtapes on some dayum Paypal. Girl, GOODNIGHT.

    • February 16, 2011 at 2:25 pm

      The nose that Morgan Freeman gave her??? Cheekie, please pack up your shit and LEAVE! Just GO.

    • February 16, 2011 at 2:43 pm

      Morgan.Freeman.
      I am unalive.

    • February 17, 2011 at 11:03 pm

      This is why I don’t even fool with Cheekie!

      • February 20, 2011 at 11:00 pm

        B/c she’s dumb as rocks! lol

  27. February 16, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Wait what????? Kim is nuts. I mean seriously. That is like a basketball player making a phone call to Michael Jordan every time they hit a fade-away or stick out their tongue when they dunk. *hands Kimberly Jones a nicely padded chair to saddown for a long time*

    SN – I’on e’en like Nicki Minaj.

  28. February 16, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    So ya, I saw that mess on tumblr the other day and err ummm… nobody is checking for Kim like that. I will say that Nicki tripped the other day talking about how there needs to be a top female MC….like Queen Latifah wasn’t one back in the day. Both of them ratchets are outta place and I truly feel like it would take a Power Rangers like-rap dream team to just come back and save them heaux. Like, Latifah, Yo-Yo, 357 and MC Lyte need to do some goon like activities on both of ’em.

  29. February 16, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    Is your Black history month post? Cause when Lil Kim was Black, well, that was history. #StruggleFace #SurgeryCheckBounceFace

    • February 20, 2011 at 11:01 pm

      WELP TIME NA GO!!! *closes piano*

  30. February 17, 2011 at 9:59 am

    The Whitney Houston “receipts” GIF just killed me ever so softly. LMAO

    • February 20, 2011 at 11:01 pm

      LOL that GIF is everything, ain’t it?

  31. February 17, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Kim Lyrically hasn’t been the same since 97…same time around BIG passing…nuff said!!

    • February 20, 2011 at 11:00 pm

      RIGHT! I wasn’t e’em gon GO there. But we know BIG wrote some of her lyrics.

  32. RIo
    February 18, 2011 at 1:39 am

    REALLY LADY!!!!! How dare you disrepect Kim like that and Black Friday just spoke the truth further more Kim did not start this feud with Nikki Mirage. Nikki’s camp kicked this off and the blatant disrespect she has with comments like, Hey Nikki where did you get the concept NIKKI ” I pulled it out my ass”. Clearly the concept may fit up there but it can be clearly shown time and time again picture and video over and over a recreation of Lil Kim. No she does not owe her life to Kim but she do owe respect and homage for those who came before her and even broke the path for her to express herself the way she does. Thats was tangent because Im not even discussing her but don’t go hard on someone for defending their name and to show she is still alive and kickin and she is not now nor ever been a has been. Kim is what it is and will always be. N Black Friday kills Pink Friday all DAY

    • February 18, 2011 at 11:12 am

      -________________________________-

      my side eye game ain’t eem mean enough.

    • February 20, 2011 at 11:00 pm

      Sir, please exit. Kthxbai.

  33. February 18, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Ellen’s lil Sister! Buwahhhhhhhhahahhawwwha!
    That’s hilarious! Kim needs to stop paying homage to Michael Jackson with the surgeries. Goodness! She’s looks terrible.
    Jaycee

  34. March 7, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    I just caught this site and what you say is too real and funny! I’ont(?) even mess with nikki minaj like that, but kim is really proving nikki’s point about thm needing each other and vice versa and how she needs to put out an album or STFU. Kim is really starting to act and sound like the hip hop version of hillary clinton. I hope she gets a come to jesus moment real soon, because I am still an avid fan of hers, but she’s starting to lose me.

  35. bijangiovanni
    April 4, 2011 at 11:14 am

    You need to ship this message to her door step like she did with those chessy mixtapes she shipped out and blammed valentines day for the reason she was still getting them to her fans late. She bragging on the 113 people in her family that bought her mixtape, she’s a straight desperate dead beat. you were on point LV with every word you said and if she was smart she should have teamed up with nicki.pahaaa,TOO SILLY !

    Check out Nicki’s diss- Tragedy

  36. lmao
    July 15, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    damn you worked hard on this paragraphs and shit lmao and people are commenting tryna make a her out to be hater! But what are yu doing in this whole ESSAY? Lmao HATING!!!! What are people doing on the comments HATING! Lmao it’s all good ya can’t hold her down for long!

  37. Mickie
    July 28, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Although I ain’t co-signing with any of Kim’s BS today, wee al know Nicki started this feud and she is the one still keeping it alive with 5 more extra Kim disses after Black Friday, Kim hasn’t responded in months.

    Still, I’d take a Lil’ Kim album over a Nicki album anyday of the week

  38. […] 25 Dumbest Tweets of 2010 * Dear Lil Kim, the Mixtape and Nicki Minaj Beef. Girl… * APimpNamedSlickFront: Whose Uncle Is This? * Dear Kat Stacks, You’re Failing at Life * […]

  39. dont give a shit
    November 22, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    FOR ALL YALL TO SAY YOU USE TO BE A LIL KIM FAN IN TILL NICKI, THAT MEANS YOU NEVER WERE HER FANS, SECOND FOR YOUR DUMB ASS TO WRITE A LETTER STATING TO KIM ON HOW SHE IS ACTING IT SHOWS YOU ARE ON HER LEVEL AS WELL, AND WHAT THE HELL NICKI ACTS LIKE SHE IS BIPOLAR SO IN OTHER WORDS YALL LIKE CRAZY ASS PEOPLE, NICKI CAN NOT RAP IF HER LIFE DEPENDED ON IT YALL DUMB ASS SITTING HERE ACTING LIKE YALL MET SOME FUCKING VAMPIRES, WHEN YOU DIDNT, KIM WROTE SHIT YALL COULD RELATE TO ABOUT NIGGAS, NOW SINCE A NEW NON RAPPING BITCH IS ON THE SCENE SHE IS PLAYED OUT YALL WACK FOR THAT ALL THESE FEMALES RAPPERS CAN PUT FOOT IN NICKI’S ASS, SHE IS NOT LYRICAL AT ALL, EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS BITCH TO IS FAKE YALL SOME DUMB ASS CUNTS, LIKE THEY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YALL COMMENTS, STUPID ASSES IF THAT WAS THE CASE THE MONEY YALL GIVE TO THEM TO MAKE THEM RICH, THEY WOULD BE GIVING IT BACK TO YALL DUMB ASS ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS YALL MONEY, WHILE YALL WORRYING ABOUT HOW TO PAY YOUR NEXT BILL GROW THE FUCKED UP DUMB ASSES

    • kimmyy
      December 15, 2012 at 10:11 am

      ily PREACHHH

  40. March 17, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    LOL all hella late but this had me cracking up. just sayin

  41. LILKIMFAN
    December 15, 2012 at 10:10 am

    this is not thee truth.. its YOUR truth and opinion.. have some respect for the legends in the game wich is NOTT nicki minaj and kim didnt start that beef.. watch the docentary on youtube “playtime is over part 1”

  42. Sim
    April 16, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    Marshall Mathers voice:

    Kim! KIM! Why don’t you like me? You think “you’re” ugly don’t you? You think “you’re” ugly don’t you!!??