Dear Charlie Sheen, Please Go Have Some Seats
Charlie Sheen is nuts. THAT is why I’m writing this week’s sternly-worded letter? Very rarely does this level of batsh*t nuts-dom come to our attention. I mean DAMB! Charlie Sheen has been EVERYWHERE this past week talmbout his his life as a rich crackhead and wondering who gon check him. He was on 20/20 last night for a full hour and every other sentence he says is a quotable. But the dude is a mess. So this letter is dedicated to him.
Dear Carlos Estevez Charlie Sheen,
Well DAMB dude! I hadn’t even thought about you in a long time. I’m not a fan of your show “Two and a Half Men” and I haven’t watched a movie of yours since… “Major League 2.” But you surely have taken the media for a ride this past week. We all knew you dabbled in dope but we weren’t aware that you were a fiend who gives no dambs what anyone thinks about it or you. And I must say… I’m horrified but hella amused.
Charlie… you looked a GOOD mess. Life dropkicked your face through its goalposts. You used to be cute too. With this super segzy strong jawline that put Rainn Pryor and Jennifer Garner’s to SHAME. Now, your face is all sunken in. Then to add injury to insult, you seem to have snorted so much coke your teeth got wonky. When I saw your grill looking like I broken comb, I just bout passed out.
Even worse than what you’re looking like is all the stuff you said. TOO many quotables to even go through.
“I don’t sleep. I wait.” FOR WHAT??? The Devil to come carry you in his chariot to his penthouse? Whatcha waiting for, Charlie???
“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” – Sir… O____O
“Death is the greatest trip because they save it for last.” – Ummm… SECURITY!!!
Then in all the interviews you’ve given, you’re pretty much telling the world that you smoke rocks for breakfast and wondering who’s gon check you? Well it seems no one. On some “I go hard in the paint” tip and I’m still here. You even stayed awake for 7 days STRAIGHT while on a drug binge. People have died for much less. How is are you still walking?? Well I guess it’s that tiger blood you spoke of. You talmbout Sean Penn, Mel Gibson and Colin Farrell have showed their support for you. Sir… N’AN one of those dudes can be your “more people” Charlie Sheen. THEY all need more people.
You are clearly the walking epitome of white and rich privilege. Police busted you under the influence of all types of illicit drugs. You might have even possessed some on your person and they made you choose between going to jail or a hospital. CHARLIE got given a choice but Carlos or Tyrone wouldn’t have gotten no multiple choice quiz. Police talmbout “Sir, we found 25 lbs of coke, heroine and weed on you. But we’re wondering. Circle Jail or Hospital so we know where to drop you off.” GTFOH! That ain’t how it goes for REGULAR people, especially those who are melanin-blessed.
I mean, your brother (who kept his Latino name) Emilio has barely worked since “Mighty Ducks.” Emilio didn’t change his name and we’ont know where he’s been for a minute. Dude can’t get n’an role but here you go CUSSING out the producers of your show and you technically still have a job! “Two & a half men” is only shut down the the SEASON. They didn’t even say “we’re done here.” They said “we’re taking a break.” FOR HOW??? Shows have been cancelled for less.
“I get $2 million per episode. For the psychological distress, I want $3 million.” Somebody was sitting somewhere signing checks to you for $2 million for acting in a subpar 30-min sitcom. AND you’re now asking for a raise? What is MY life bout??? Oh. AND you’re suing the producers? Sir…
And these silly heffas…
And those silly heffas you call “Goddesses.” I don’t even have the energy to go in on those fools. But the fact that these are someone’s daughters and nieces… Men, hug your daughters. Women, snatch their wigs cuz you don’t want this for your kids! That or children can go wayward no matter their upbringing. I’m sure their family members are feeling like they’ve failed them.
The WORST part in alla this is that someone actually trusted 2 toddler boys to the care of a fiend and his 2 fake sirens. I’m glad they took the kids away but before the fact… WHAT WERE FOLKS THINKING? I blame the Justice system. And the women who keep marrying and procreating with you, Charlie. Women KNOW you ain’t NO parts of “bout that life” but they keep marrying you and allowing you to invade their love pockets. Ladies, we gotta make better decisions. We just GOTTA! That awkward moment when people ask you bout your cracked out ex-husband being on TV? Yeah Denise Richardson. For the next 6 months. (-__-)
Your publicist quit the other day and I want to go find him to give him a blue ribbon. The fact that he even lasted this long means he’s a saint. Managing your public image is a job that no one could get paid enough for.
Who knows? You might be taking us all for a ride and be saying these outlandish things JUST to get a reaction out of us. Either you’re the craziest person this side of the Equator, or a marketing genius, or both. Still… you need a life chaperone because you need supervision. You are indeed bi-winning at being an attention whore.
I feel bad for your family though. Martin Sheen is prolly somewhere *facepalming* repeatedly. And poor Emilio…
Charlie, go find you the nearest seat and take it. Just SAT THE HELL DOWN!
Q: “What’s the future for Charlie Sheen?”
A: “Just winning.”*drops mic* *exits the stage* WELP! *cues DJ Khaled* *hands go UP and they stay there!* \(.__.)/
P.S. One of the “Goddesses” is on Twitter. Her handle is @BreeOlson. And yes, she’s just as ridiculous as you imagined.
It is time to write that book. Come into The Book Academy and learn how to go from IDEA to INK.
20 Comments
We need to start a ChipIn fund for Charlie’s Sheen’s seats. He needs as many as possible so that he can have “All of the Seats”!!! I still say if he was Kanye or Isaiah Washington, he would be banished from the earth.
I. Washington did far less and the Hollywood machine killed his career quick. Instead of doing what they asked only to get fired anyway he should have cursed everyone the eff out and kept it pushing. Charlie is ghetto as hell, I think he’s hilarious. I truly believe after 30+ years in the biz, he has reached the point to where he just looked around, took a drag off his Newport, and decided Carlos Estevez needed to take over while Charlie got some rest.
As for the kids, umm the mommy is in daytime rehab for crack addition, so they are actually spending most of the time with grandma. Just sad…
President Bartlett (West Wing) needs to come get his son! Charlie is only in his mid forties, next week he might look like the next crypt keeper if he keeps it up. Iono know what to say about these “goddesses” O_O. Where did sign up for that at? I want to know so I can run in the opposite direction!
“…here you go CUSSING out the producers of your show and you technically still have a job! “Two & a half men” is only shut down the the SEASON. They didn’t even say “we’re done here.” They said “we’re taking a break.” FOR HOW??? Shows have been cancelled for less.”
The show’s producers are like that chick that has caught her man out there dozens of times, but still wants to work things out.
Chuck has seriously lost his effen mind!
Very enjoyable post. Proof if proof were needed you go in mad, you can come out madder, and money can’t do a thing about it. HMS.
Seats are far too kind, Sheen needs to be kicked to all the curbs of America.
So I just checked out ol’ girl’s Twitter page. Can I sue you for willful neglect of my soul cause it is damaged beyond repair. Foolish!
So I just checked out ol’ girl’s Twitter page. Can I sue you for willful neglect of my soul cause it is damaged beyond repair. Just foolish!
LMAO… Girl you are hilarious! I am so *dead* at all of it! My mom loves “Two and Half Men” well “Two Men and A Crackhead”! I wonder if the news of this hawt mess have made it to the shores of the Dominican Republic because she watches it over there! SMH
I hope he gets a wake up call soon…. I don’t think his parents can take much more of this!
Charlie… you looked a GOOD mess. Life dropkicked your face through its goalposts. You used to be cute too. With this super segzy strong jawline that put Rainn Pryor and Jennifer Garner’s to SHAME. Now, your face is all sunken in. Then to add injury to insult, you seem to have snorted so much coke your teeth got wonky. When I saw your grill looking like I broken comb, I just bout passed out.
^^^^ That rat thur, is the reason we quit….I can’t stand yo ignant ass! *goes home to glory*
This whole Charlie Sheen thing is I feel is a publicity stunt or he wants to really fuck with us because when is the last time YOU seen a functional crackhead? Making appointments? Not selling stuff?, etc
My favorite is when he says (after his sons were removed from his home) that “this isn’t the America I grew up in”.
No shyt Charlie. You grew up with your actor parents in a drug induced sex romping commune in the Valley in the 70s. Out here in the real world our parents are not all Hugh Hefner wannabes.
Man, Charlie Sheen has so many effing “you can’t write or make this stuff up” quotables it’s a shame.
But, yes, he needs to have a seat. In fact, I suggest he pretend like he’s playing Musical Chairs and the music just stopped playing.
FOOH. That is all.
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I’d order some tiger blood, but I can’t be rambling/looking older than my dad (RIP)…too cute for that, got stuff to do. Just damn.
Let’s see: since El Carlos is out of a job, he can rent out the Regal, Chicago, AND Cadillac theaters. (Yeah, stay thirsty my friend…the menthols alone will further jack up the ego/vocal cords.)
This had got to be the slowest suicide on record since Jim Morrison
[…] before & we need to maintain her chaste image. o__________0 (needing to borrow some seats from Awesomely Luvvie so she can have […]