Dear Lauryn Hill, Rohan Wasn’t It Anyway
Soooo I just heard that Lauryn Hill got left by Rohan Marley for a Brazilian model (story’s here). My first thought was that maybe he’s sick of having to rummage through an entire closet to get to her love pocket. I’m just saying. Lauryn has earned this sternly-worded letter.
Dear Lauryn Hill,
Hey girl hey. I know you’re prolly going through something right now, seeing as how you just got dumped and all but I wanted to talk to you. I figured your friends weren’t so why not give it a try?
First, I hope you realize that your ex-man, Rohan Marley wasn’t shit. Not one single Iota of one. You should have known this when he left his wife for you and made few attempts (that we know of) to marry you instead. That was the first clue. But then a few weeks back when he REALLY showed his ass… you shoulda packed up your Dereon duffle and left.
The minute he tweeted talmbout he’ont know who the daddy of your 6th kid was when I knew he really was a jackass. Just disrespectful. The moment my man tweet some shit talmbout “I mean, I know she’s prego but why you think it’s mine” is the moment we’re done. He ain’t bout to disrespect ME in front of 7,000 of my closest stranger friends like that. I know that damb murch. Shid.
I just hope Rohan leaving gets you to make better music. And stop wearing your entire closet as one #alphet. That’s ALL I hope. Lauryn, if you were my friend, I’da called you up and said “Hey girl hey. Rohan wasn’t shit no way. Now let’s go getchu some clothes.” And then we’d put on our “F*ck him, girl” dresses on and go clubbing. I’da been there. Cuz that’s the type of
shallow person I am..
You are LAURYN HILL! Lauryn MUFUGGIN Hill! Come on!
You need to cry two tears in a bucket and record them tears in a studio. This could be your opportunity for GREAT music.
Iunno what is in Marley sperm that makes women lose their minds but them roaming the Earth sowing their seeds is as common as them having locs. You Knew Rohan wasn’t bout that life from Day 1. He ain’t worth a penny with a hole in it. Back in 1998, you coulda had any man you wanted. But you got Island Dickmatized and that’s ALL she wrote. IT AIN’T WORF IT, LAU’N!
Mmhmm, but you chose to mess with a rasta and I’ont think you were ready for it. I can’t mess with no real rastas, man. That ganja they smoke is prolly so strong it ends up in their liquids. That’s the kinda stuff that has you babysitting your enemy’s kids willingly. Nawl. Mess with a rasta and find yourself washing dishes with a scarf on your head and no shoes on. Next thing you know, you don sold ALL your possessions and moved to Jamo. uh uh. That ain’t MY portion!
That’s how he gotchu, huh, Lauryn? You shoulda known Island peen ain’t for the faint of heart. You need a strong support system to keep you from moving into that man’s mama’s house otherwise… this is the kinda stuff that ends up happening.
“Emanticipate yourself from mental slavery.” Lauryn, you SANG these words yourself on “Redemption song”. Then became a slave to Rohan’s peen. THIS AIN’T WHAT LIFE’S ABOUT!!! That’s the ONLY reason I could see you leaving after winning like 57 Grammys, just to go lay up and be his concubine. Girl…
I’ve said it before but I will repeat. Behind every relationship with an Aint Shit dude and an amazing woman is DOPE peen. Everytime.
BTW, I know nothing bout island peen. I’ve just heard from a friend. Or thru Twitter. Or on Wikipedia. O__O
#Ennehweighs #doe, I be telling folks. Old Lauryn is dead and gone. We can all search under those 4 hoodies, 5 pairs of pants and 2 sunglasses but she ain’t there. I’ve held out hope that you gon bring back OLD LAURYN but I think that’s a wrap. But I’m hoping with Rohan gone, you can get a shadow of that old self back. I’ONT WANNA LOSE ALL HOPE YET!!! Just come back and make good music again. In regular clothes. Is that too much to ask?
Anyway, girl. Lemme go listen to some “Miseducation” so I can remember how dope you once were.
I still lowkey love you,
P.S. F*ck him girl, f*ck him.
Do y’all miss old Lauryn Hill too?