Dear Lauryn Hill, Rohan Wasn’t It Anyway

Soooo I just heard that Lauryn Hill got left by Rohan Marley for a Brazilian model (story’s here). My first thought was that maybe he’s sick of having to rummage through an entire closet to get to her love pocket. I’m just saying. Lauryn has earned this sternly-worded letter.

Dear Lauryn Hill,

Hey girl hey. I know you’re prolly going through something right now, seeing as how you just got dumped and all but I wanted to talk to you. I figured your friends weren’t so why not give it a try?

First, I hope you realize that your ex-man, Rohan Marley wasn’t shit. Not one single Iota of one. You should have known this when he left his wife for you and made few attempts (that we know of) to marry you instead. That was the first clue. But then a few weeks back when he REALLY showed his ass… you shoulda packed up your Dereon duffle and left.

The minute he tweeted talmbout he’ont know who the daddy of your 6th kid was when I knew he really was a jackass. Just disrespectful. The moment my man tweet some shit talmbout “I mean, I know she’s prego but why you think it’s mine” is the moment we’re done. He ain’t bout to disrespect ME in front of 7,000 of my closest stranger friends like that. I know that damb murch. Shid.

Lauryn Hill Clown

Girl… O___O

I just hope Rohan leaving gets you to make better music. And stop wearing your entire closet as one #alphet. That’s ALL I hope. Lauryn, if you were my friend, I’da called you up and said “Hey girl hey. Rohan wasn’t shit no way. Now let’s go getchu some clothes.” And then we’d put on our “F*ck him, girl” dresses on and go clubbing. I’da been there. Cuz that’s the type of shallow person I am..

You are LAURYN HILL! Lauryn MUFUGGIN Hill! Come on!

You need to cry two tears in a bucket and record them tears in a studio. This could be your opportunity for GREAT music.

Iunno what is in Marley sperm that makes women lose their minds but them roaming the Earth sowing their seeds is as common as them having locs. You Knew Rohan wasn’t bout that life from Day 1. He ain’t worth a penny with a hole in it. Back in 1998, you coulda had any man you wanted. But you got Island Dickmatized and that’s ALL she wrote. IT AIN’T WORF IT, LAU’N!

Mmhmm, but you chose to mess with a rasta and I’ont think you were ready for it. I can’t mess with no real rastas, man. That ganja they smoke is prolly so strong it ends up in their liquids. That’s the kinda stuff that has you babysitting your enemy’s kids willingly. Nawl. Mess with a rasta and find yourself washing dishes with a scarf on your head and no shoes on. Next thing you know, you don sold ALL your possessions and moved to Jamo. uh uh. That ain’t MY portion!

That’s how he gotchu, huh, Lauryn? You shoulda known Island peen ain’t for the faint of heart. You need a strong support system to keep you from moving into that man’s mama’s house otherwise… this is the kinda stuff that ends up happening.

Lauryn Hill

What happened to THIS Lauryn? I miss her. :-/

“Emanticipate yourself from mental slavery.” Lauryn, you SANG these words yourself on “Redemption song”. Then became a slave to Rohan’s peen. THIS AIN’T WHAT LIFE’S ABOUT!!! That’s the ONLY reason I could see you leaving after winning like 57 Grammys, just to go lay up and be his concubine. Girl…

I’ve said it before but I will repeat. Behind every relationship with an Aint Shit dude and an amazing woman is DOPE peen. Everytime.

BTW, I know nothing bout island peen. I’ve just heard from a friend. Or thru Twitter. Or on Wikipedia. O__O

#Ennehweighs #doe, I be telling folks. Old Lauryn is dead and gone. We can all search under those 4 hoodies, 5 pairs of pants and 2 sunglasses but she ain’t there. I’ve held out hope that you gon bring back OLD LAURYN but I think that’s a wrap. But I’m hoping with Rohan gone, you can get a shadow of that old self back. I’ONT WANNA LOSE ALL HOPE YET!!! Just come back and make good music again. In regular clothes. Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, girl. Lemme go listen to some “Miseducation” so I can remember how dope you once were.

I still lowkey love you,





 

P.S. F*ck him girl, f*ck him.

Do y’all miss old Lauryn Hill too?

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • amy July 21, 2011, 7:21 pm

    THOU HATH SAID IT.

    • Luvvie July 21, 2011, 9:06 pm

      I sure did try.

    • Tengie July 25, 2011, 5:22 pm

      Say Dat! Tell it!!Look eer…dope peen, dip in dem hip and swirl and whirl till you beg them to stop behby!!Dem dere neegas ain’t shit! Eeer me? Me got one Jamaican picknee from one super hot dispresctful dawg. Him went to take MY rent check to the land lord, my ex boss and good friend or should I say frienemy.Her got one flat ass. She got back with a crack! No ass!Him come back with my job, a new van and a 4G phone. 17 years I put up with his ass and took care and loved his rass ass! Left me and his only picknee, him white now and the only time I get money from his blood cleet ass is when I harass her ass! Treat her and her picknees like gold. Eeer me? Quick send all post to Lauryn Hill! Let’s all intervene if we have to… That’s all I have to say….love the blog!

    • SanJai May 16, 2012, 9:48 pm

      AMEN!!! UGH…now if u can only kidnap her and make SURE she gets her sanity back I’d be a happy camper 🙂

  • Phoenix July 21, 2011, 7:31 pm

    “We can all search under those 4 hoodies, 5 pairs of pants and 2 sunglasses but she ain’t there.”

    Sadness! My question is, how does Lauryn not get a heat stroke with all those damn layers??

    Btw, i love the blog!

    • Luvvie July 21, 2011, 9:06 pm

      Right! She was at Rock the Bells with all those clothes on. Maam, it’s summer. SMH. Oh Lauryn…

  • tropnevaDRK (@f_uitlist) July 21, 2011, 7:43 pm

    New to your blog, this is by far the best open letter I’ve read. Too funny.

    • Luvvie July 21, 2011, 9:05 pm

      Welcome to my eCrib!!! And thanks a bunches! 😀

  • PBG July 21, 2011, 7:44 pm

    If that Island Peen gon’ have me dressing like a Peruvian strawberry picker on national TV, Ion’t want none. None at all.

    Even if you don’t come back Lauryn, I’m still rootin’ for you girl. Have fun being free and raising your many youngins.

    • Luvvie July 21, 2011, 9:04 pm

      Not a peruvian strawberry picker, #doe. LMAO!!!!

    • Emme July 25, 2011, 1:26 pm

      haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! Whew that’s funny!

  • amymay July 21, 2011, 7:44 pm

    You know that scene in Moonstruck where Cher slaps the dogsh*t outta Nick Cage and yells, “Snap outta it!!!”… Yeah. That.

    Go get ya girl, Luvvie. She been needed this intervention!

    • Luvvie July 21, 2011, 9:04 pm

      LMAO!!! YES! This is my verbal face slap to Lauryn.

  • Kween July 21, 2011, 8:05 pm

    I was dead and done when you said, “That’s the kinda stuff that has you babysitting your enemy’s kids willingly. Nawl.”

    I OFFICIALLY CAIN’T stand you, Luvvie! My soul is weeping and laughing at the same time…

    YES (to answer) your question…I do miss Lauryn. Her voice captured me from the beginning…and held me when I saw “Sister Act 2”. I pray for her return to glory! ::humming “Tell Him”::

    • Luvvie July 21, 2011, 9:03 pm

      YOU LOVE ME, KWEEN! lolol YESSS I fell in love w/ Lauryn in Sister Act 2. One of my fave movies ever.

  • luxurylatte July 21, 2011, 8:25 pm

    Lawd… Look at that pic of Lauryn when she was a beautiful goddess repping for us chocolate, and then look at that Bozo the Clown pic when people really had to accept there was something seriously off in her spirit. It’s so sad to me to see all these women lose their mind behind some good good. I’d be scared to use a Marleys bathroom as that might make you lose yourself.. come out the mother of 2 with a unibrow.

    • Luvvie July 21, 2011, 9:03 pm

      Wasn’t she FAHN back then? W/ those gorgeous locs and dope skin. Now she wants to look a good fool rocking red blush and them spider arms as lashes. SMH

  • Nina July 21, 2011, 8:26 pm

    THIS is the funniest thing ever.

  • beautifulsolmama July 21, 2011, 9:00 pm

    I loved the unplugged cd. Wasn’t the old lauryn, but I have a feeling it was the Lauryn, if that makes any sense. I still love Miseducation but also have my unplugged moods too.

    Rohan that’s a whole nutha story, I mean… nevermind #minuswell not go there u already said it all… lol

    • Luvvie July 21, 2011, 9:01 pm

      She screeched thru Unplugged so I can’t e’em support it too murch. She shoulda kept that album as a late night performance for house guests.

  • Margaret July 21, 2011, 9:21 pm

    Rohan and his Rasta sperm is doing the most to and fro (what DOES to and fro really mean?).

    I think Rohan left her because he’s tired of waiting for her to get dressed. Anyone wearing that many clothes must take lots of time, and makes them late to any function. He feels like the ticket holders at her shows feel…frustrated waiting for her to get dressed and make her appearance.

    Maybe the Brazilian girlfriend gets dressed in a hurry.

    • emti July 22, 2011, 11:04 am

      the brazilian girl doesn’t wear clothes…she takes no time to get ready!

  • bpurpleb001 July 21, 2011, 9:30 pm

    2 words…You Stupid!!!!! I mean that in the best possible way. In that pic she looks like she has Erika Badu’s Bag Lady stuck in her head. LMBO! Didn’t island peen have Terry Mcmillan marrying a gay man, who looked as gay as Star Jone’s ex-husband, pretending he was straight. That was some great peen if he pulled that off. LMBO again!!!

  • Sha Sha July 22, 2011, 12:37 am

    “You are LAURYN HILL! Lauryn MUFUGGIN Hill! Come on!”

    YES, YES!! Until now all I could say about our beloved Lauryn was RIP, cuz i never thought we would see the real Lauryn ever again. But hope is alive! Now that Rohan (aka “He ain’t sh*t man”) has dumped her and made her have to kick the peen addiction, maybe just maybe she will come back to the light. Come back Lauryn. We miss u!!!

  • I Am Your People July 22, 2011, 1:14 am

    Lauryn, Halle and JLo need to get together and write a book called “It ain’t easy being pretty”

  • Shiks July 22, 2011, 4:32 am

    I still believe that somewhere behind that clown gettup is LBoogie. She is trying to hide it,with makeup that my 2 year old niece wouldn’t approve of,but she is there.

    She has to make a comeback.How is she planning on feeding 6 kids?Also didn’t Miseducation come out after the Fugees broke up because she was messing with the very married Wyclef?

    • seph July 25, 2011, 4:00 pm

      not only that but wyclef actually said he went to the hospital when zion was born because he thought it was his kid…..and lauryn never said anything o.0 i hate to say it but jboogie was always a hotmess when it came to men :/

  • ButtButt July 22, 2011, 10:52 am

    Poor Lauyrn! God help her. It’s terrible what a broken heart can do to you. Girl, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth more than that. Pull yourself together and don’t let Rohan win! You ned Jesus! Come back!

  • Talie C July 22, 2011, 11:40 am

    I loved the unplugged. *shrugs* but all them layers she be wearin tho? o__O

  • Candy July 22, 2011, 12:05 pm

    A penny with a hole in it… Hi behavior is wrong on so many levels. L-boogie is broken? I’m thinking imbalance– on some ” A Beautiful Mind” type stuff. I would pass on a FREE ticket; her attendance and performance record is awful.

    The letter is on point.

  • Bridgette July 22, 2011, 1:03 pm

    All of what you said…..to the 10th degree.

  • Erin July 22, 2011, 1:05 pm

    I can’t even read this letter because I can’t get past that picture! Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

    L-Boogie…PLEASE come back to us!

  • Dinasty2.0 July 22, 2011, 4:47 pm

    Luvvie, how in all thee hell on Gawds green #Earf do you come up with this stuff? I think you been out back hittin’ a lick with Rohan Marley. Don’t let me find out.

    I’m glad someone called out Lau’n for wearing 12 layers of clothes, none of them matching, and sweating like a child in a third world country on stage. Gwarl, it’s hot!! Shed some of them layers.

    I’ve never been a huge fan of Lauryn (and forgive me, but I don’t get the hype), but she does need to pull herself together. Because I would rather listen to her than 92.7% of the bullshit out now. Plus she needs to provide for them babies cause Rohan and rasta peen have surely moved on to dickmatize someone else.

  • Krystal Grant July 22, 2011, 6:24 pm

    I didn’t want this letter to end. I’m laughin so hard my damn stomach hurts. Imma go read it again.

  • legitimate_soul July 22, 2011, 8:45 pm

    Yes, I miss her and I am glad you told the truth. She need to have a “by herself” meeting and read the lyrics of “That Thing” to herself. That Island D had her stop being the beautiful person that attracted him and everyone else in the first place. I thought she had said she didn’t like herself then, and that possibly (if that is true) allowed her to get caught up. I have hope she’ll come back stronger.

  • bronxgirl1 July 22, 2011, 9:39 pm

    Luvvie! You owe me a glass of chocolate milk. I spit mine up when I read this. “That ganja they smoke is prolly so strong it ends up in their liquids.” and “You shoulda known Island peen ain’t for the faint of heart.'”

    In fact this whole post just kilt me. Lmao

  • sincerelyalana July 23, 2011, 3:44 am

    I screamed when I read this. lol

    I miss Lauryn Hill too, things just ain’t been right since she went away. *cries*

  • sck July 23, 2011, 2:10 pm

    LOL! You are hilarious

  • Dwriter July 23, 2011, 3:21 pm

    That was a good chuckle. Good one indeed.

  • QueenBee July 23, 2011, 7:14 pm

    Someone had to say it and you said it well woman!!

  • snglncty72 July 23, 2011, 9:30 pm

    The lesson learned here is :Island peen will have you wearing 12 layers of clothes in a heatwave and not shaving your underarms….stay the dell away from anyone not more than 2 generations removed from the island. ….*makes copes of this post to hand out outside the Jamaican club*

    • Michelle February 9, 2017, 3:12 pm

      Believe me, you don’t have to tell me twice. My background is Jamaican (born in Canada) and I wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot pole. Nope. No, ma’am. Not worth the botheration (as my grandmother would say).

  • Kesha Monk July 23, 2011, 11:21 pm

    OMG. I hate you.

    You need your own TV show or summthin. For realz doe’.

    LOLOLOL!

  • Leo the Yardie Chick July 24, 2011, 12:09 pm

    Wayment…he really tweeted that mess about doubting the paternity of the soon-coming child?!

    What a dutty piece a – you know what? It’s Sunday. I have to keep the cursing on nil for one day out of the week.

  • swerve July 24, 2011, 1:30 pm

    Ok. After the first child, you got a free slide card. But after the 2nd, 3rd,4th,and 5th… Hell Naaaaaaaw. Get it together ma. And please, no more Autistic Jamaican superhero costumes. Love you Lauryn.

  • Emme July 25, 2011, 1:31 pm

    Lauryn Hill just needs to concentrate on making the world fall back in love with her. If I recall Rohan Marley fell in love with her like the rest of the world did; he was smitten. I think I read/heard somewhere he said he liked the way she held her guitar. So if she gets back to old LBOOGIE it’ll be like Wyclef who? Rohan who? And she’ll have new love interests even with six kids.

    She and Mos Def would look dope together!!!!

  • CaspercutieSTL July 25, 2011, 4:21 pm

    Welp, maybe now she stop using Miss One from The Wiz as her fashion inspiration.

    • Dynamite Soul June 8, 2012, 2:31 pm

      lmao! lmao! lmao! I know I’m late, but I kept thinking Lauryn was looking like the MJ Scarecrow! She got “you can’t win” playing in her head. She needs to quit because she was my affirmation! She was my hero. My she get the self love that she needs and her children need to see.

    • Dynamite Soul June 8, 2012, 2:32 pm

      Also, Sherlock rocks.

  • Erin July 29, 2011, 1:33 am

    Hmmmmmm…so apparently he AIN’T the daddy.

  • Jay Wes August 3, 2011, 1:40 pm

    He most certainly had her turned out some sorta way…I didn’t realized she is 6 kids deep. I think the last name Marley should’ve tipped her off from the get, but I always felt she was with him because he’s a Marley. I agree with you that she need an ambush stealth ninja makeover of the worst kind. It may take weeks with all those clothes LOL

    Lovely Letter Luvvie 🙂

  • Scorpiana August 4, 2011, 3:37 am

    *cacklin* then plank slides onto couch – for the remainder of the day …

  • TheMochaPeach August 9, 2011, 12:27 pm

    OMG! Island peen! I was not ready! Take me now lord. I saw her in ATL at Center Stage and not only was she 17 hrs late..she had on what appeared to be a picnic cloth..hair half braided..and looked like a refuge..not a FUGEE..a refuge, yo! Like all of Plato’s Closet threw up on her body and said “have a nice day, ho”. Twas a sad sad site indeed. Where are her people? Why has she not been in Intervention on A&E cause dickmatization is a real thing?

  • lexi August 9, 2011, 2:43 pm

    lol!!!girl you said it!!!

  • tellylonglegs October 26, 2011, 9:58 am

    LMBO!!!You never fail to make me laugh

    • Luvvie October 26, 2011, 3:34 pm

      I just try to speak truths lol

  • Tara January 15, 2012, 3:38 pm

    New to this blog but absolutely loving it! This letter was so funny yet so true. Lauryn needs to get it together quick!

  • ~L May 15, 2012, 11:47 am

    I was dead at 5 hats and 4 sweaters.

  • Ambar September 21, 2012, 10:48 am

    As funny as this article was as a woman who has had experience with island peen (Im talking straight Jamaican) the shit is no joke. You do crazy things you would never do otherwise. I was in Lauryn’s same shoes. Im too damn awesome for this ain’t shit Jamaican man but damn if that peen don’t keep me mesmerized. Two years I stuck with the bull. But then I said no more! Since then I have joined IPA (Island Peen Anonymous) meetings because I know I just can’t handle it. The sad part is I hale FROM the damn Caribbean. So who can really handle that peen then if not the islands own women?

  • Kimmy October 1, 2012, 1:44 am

    Did y’all know the rumor, was Rohan had a baby with her cousin?! She supposedly was there to help with the kids and they had an affair.

  • Maria September 9, 2013, 3:22 am

    I know Im years late in responding but its the first time I have seen this article and I have been LMAOOOOOOOOOO soooooo hard, all alone, face in pillow, while my whole household is asleep, trying not to wake them up…but this is soooo dam funny!! O M G !!! Im with an Island Peen rt now for over 5 yrs and my friends cannot understand wtf is wrong with me in my current situation, and this explains ALL !!! hahahahahahahah…thank u for this well-needed laugh!!! ♥♥♥

  • Frenchie March 20, 2015, 8:14 am

    Girl you a hawt mess roflmaooo!

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