Parents, Quit Naming Your Kids Stupidly
A couple of weeks ago, I was in Starbucks, and I looked at my cashier’s name tag. It said “Money Jones.” Well, I don’t remember her last name because I was too fixated on the “Money” part as her first name. I was judging her parents HELLA hard. Did they name her “Money” because they wanted the universe to give her lots of it? I mean, I don’t know her background, but that plan has yet to work out too well because she’s working at Starbucks. I’m a jerk, I know. But I’m saying… I bought something from “Money” with a $5 bill, which means, she prolly ain’t wealthy. Her name just asks for unfulfilled potential.
But it got me thinking. Why do parents name their kids foolishly? What’s their motives behind some of these monikers they bestow on their kids? I don’t understand what makes you look at your child and give them some uglass name with bad spelling or logic.
Well, maybe the kids with terrible names really gave their mothers a hard time during labor. And this is their lifetime punishment. That is the only thing I can come up with.
But seriously. Parents needs to stop naming their kids after concepts, cars, designers or things they wished they had. Look at this list of Mormon names! SeaBreeze? WHY? People gotta saddown, man! I bet there’s a baby “Louboutin.” Except it’s spelled Loobootawn cuz his mama wanted them for her birthday and all she got was pregnant. I also bet there’s someone somewhere named “Prejudice.” There’s gotta be. The world is just illogical enough for this person to exist. Oh. And naming kids after spices also gets the side-eye. I GUARANTEE there’s someone named Paprika in these streets. Or MaggiCubes.
I couldn’t work at a hospital or school. I’d pull parents aside CONSTANTLY to ask them “But WHY?!?” I’m pretty sure I’d get fired by day 2.
There are so many reasons why stupid names aren’t great to have. Well, besides the fact that they’re foolish.
* Most of them look ugly on paper. Especially when they have random apostrophes. An apostrophe is supposed to take the place of a missing letter. A kid named Mi’chelin makes no sense. Is it an h missing there? Is the apostrophe supposed to be classy?
* Your kid will be teased relentlessly in school. Kids are cruel. They already pick on you for the slightest things. Let your name be ridiculous and they’d make rhymes out of it all day long.
* It’ll just be that much harder for them to get a job. Someone named Le”’Spaices’nique, who is just as qualified as a Jennifer might not get hired because their name sounds like an extended sneeze. People do not and will not separate their abilities from their name, which is also unfortunate. And Pilot Inspektor is lucky he has famous parents otherwise folks might wonder why he’s spending his life going by two separate occupations. A name that’s so extra makes it that much harder for people to take you seriously. And we already know life isn’t fair.
Well, there IS a successful executive whose name is Marijuana Pepsi Sawyer. She’s proven that an interesting name doesn’t have to hold you back. But I bet she’s had to work 10 times as hard as others to prove she belongs.
Anywho, I took it to Twitter and folks graced me with names they’ve heard:
RT @allmine19: Names I’ve seen @ work: Numbers’, Perphect, Sanctuary, Shanationality
But… Shanationality? WHY?
RT @burtyful: i know someone whose first name is Amillion middle name M’onay (pronounced Money) yes. really O_O
I want to dropkick their mama in the throat.
RT @mylahmusic: I saw a kid whose name is Zac’Aree. -_- (Prays his mom isn’t on Twitter)
Sooo Zachary was just too normal, huh?
RT @_loveeechild: I met someone, first name, Tupac. Middle, Shakur. Last, Lopez. -__-
Tupac Shakur Lopez. Oh.
RT @goodtwinbadtwin: my mom used 2 work with a man whose grandson’s name was Zero.
People don’t want their kids to win.
RT @imdrw: All Master P’s kids’ names: Percy, Vercy, Intylyana, Tytyana, Itali, Hercy, Mercy, Veno, and Cymphonique & Diamond.
This rich hoodrat here…. Intylyana sounds like a drug and Cymphonique sounds like a hood orchestra. Why did he do this???
RT @tanlite: In school I knew a kid named “QAZYAWQ”, but it was pronounced as “Quest”. I couldn’t even make that up if I tried.
“My name is Nicole but it’s spelled Sarah.” Wtf, parents?? Stop this dumb shit.
RT @ysl_ron: Im still disturbed at this front desk clerk named “Cliche”. I snatched my keys out of her hand…
As you should have.
RT @renisharenewed: I had a 6th grade student in Philly whose name was pronounced “Day-Ja” but spelled “Daiijaiyia”. I almost quit my job.
I wouldn’t blame you if you had. What in the hell??? And I bet that little girl had a hell of a time learning to spell her name in preschool.
RT @arieldeneypr: My cousin name is Moshunik….we dont go out together lol
I don’t blame you.
RT @CoCoGoddess12: my nephew goes to school with a girl named “R’Cowna” (you say the first two letters then “Owna”) O___o
RT @yosaiwurd: my nephew used to go to school w/a little boy named Opium. And the kids learned their letters using their classmates names…so of course my neph knows “O is for Opium.”
I just… BUT WHY?!?
RT @goldentoken525: My coworker knew someone who named her girl Chlamydia bc she honestly thought it was a pretty & didn’t know otherwise
RT @_LoveeeChild: “MA’KARIA ETERNITY Z’MOSIA.” this. is. a. real. name. i has a sad now.
Seriously. WHAT THE HELL???
RT @NotAllSweetness: I had a nurse friend who talked a lady out of naming her baby meconium. She’d heard a doctor say it & thought it was pretty. and I grew up with a girl named Leukemia. Smh
Sweet 5 lb 7 oz Baby Jesus. Help your children.
RT @LabanKing: I just met this woman who’s LEGAL first name is “Holy Ghost”. She said her grandma named her. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.
Yeah, NAWL. iQuit.
I do think folks need supervision. There should be an advisory board or something that approves names when they’re tapdancing on foolishness. They coulda come in handy for this couple who named their kid “Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii.” A judge took her away until they come up with a new name for her because the 9-year-old was so embarrassed by her name that she wouldn’t e’em tell her friends what it was. But they’re in New Zealand so…
Anywho, I’m done for real. Folks ain’t gon make my blood pressha go sky high because they wanna name their children based on the scrabble tiles they get. Foolishness.
What are the worst names y’all have seen?