No Country for Janky Relationship Experts. EVER.
I’m bout up to HERE *puts hand next to my neck* with so-called “relationship experts.” ESPECIALLY when they’re men, and all they do is tell women what they do wrong and why they’re single.
It’s clear that there’s a HUGE demand for relationship experts, as one of the more successful ones just got a show on OWN. This business of tryna fix women’s singlehood is BOOMING and everyone’s jumping in feet first.
Folks are tweeting bad advice and others are writing terrible slideshow articles with pictures of women in despair to accompany it. Every time an article called “10 reasons why you’re still single” is written, an angel loses her temper and tells you to STFU. And then she throws her harp at you.
This was all brought to my spirit today because while I was minding
other people’s my business on Facebook, I saw a status that one of my friends liked and it was so dumb that I wanted to fight my keyboard. I went to the page (which belonged to some dude who called himself a ‘lationship expert) and scrolled some more and read equally stupid ones. And my blood pressha went SKY HIGH. Below are three of em:
“Note To Men: The best gift you can give a woman is your last name. Stand behind your word and Show her you Truly Love Her!”
“Note To Women: A man has done nothing for you till he has you walk down the aisle and become his wife. Stop idolizing boyfriends!”
“Note To Men: Buy a woman a car = 15k-40k, Buy her a house = 100k-500k, Give her your last name = Priceless.”
The theme is obvious. Ladies, you ain’t got SHIT if you aren’t carrying a man’s last name. And men, you need to stop being so selfish and BLESS women with your last name because it is clearly what we’re on this Earth for and nothing will bring us as much joy. O_O
First of all. Marriage is a part of life, not the POINT of it. And it seems homeboy thinks it’s all that matters. My dude, there are some people who actually don’t wanna get married. Does that make them empty? Whatever. I don’t e’em wanna go down that line of debate.
Second of GAHTDAMB ALL, sir. Yes, folks can get married but some people choose not to take their husband’s last name for whatever reason. WHAT IF I DON’T WANT IT??? What if his last name is IVANAPEA? Besides, a last name can’t make me wealthy unless I’m a Kennedy. I will gladly take the house! Thanks!
Third of mufugging all. He talmbout stop idolizing boyfriends. NAWL, DUDE! Don’t idolize a GAHTDAMB person. I’ont care if they are your husband. But to be all “he ain’t did shit unless…” Sooooooo signing a piece of paper and walking down an aisle is the only thing that matters? Chile STAHP.
Most importantly. PLEASE HAVE A GAHTDAMB SEAT, WITH YOUR SIMPLE ASS. I could go into all types of intelligent discourse of the role of patriarchy in this stupidity but I’ont feel like it. And I’ma leave that for Kimberly N. Foster if she chooses. I’ma just snatch his wig for saying stupid stuff instead.
And who is the non-genius behind this terrible advice? This dude:
This is Terry Bams, ladies and gentlemen. “Author, Relationship expert and motivational speaker.” Giver of piss poor advice, taker of himself too seriously, and owner of a website that looks like it was created in Geocities. Y’all better peep his serious look and his hand in hand pose. He wants you to know he means BUSINESS! And I want him to know he needs to go jump off a first floor balcony into thirsty grass.
The pose of douchebags who give bad advice is the black outfit, intense glare and hands or arms close to the body. Don’t believe me? See Tyrese’s book cover:
He totally swagger-jacked Jody.
But you see what’s wrong with this? Terry came out with book, y’all. He’s putting his empty words in PRINT so we know it’s real. This is the synopsis:
“Ever made love to over 100 women? Have you attempted sex with 26 women at once? Have you ever been in love with a person who met the criteria of your dreams, but you could never reach a place of commitment? I never thought this would become my life, but it did. From fitting 10 women into one day, to hiding another woman’s car so my mistress would not see it…This may not have been your life, but I openly invite you to walk through the story of mine. I welcome you into The Mind of A Womanizer.”
O_____________________________________O <— avatar blank stare.
So he was a supreme hoe before and now he’s married and wants to tell everyone how he did it? Oh. Ok. So you CAN turn a hoe into a husband. Good to know, Terry O___O.
Surely you’d think there’s no way this dude has an audience. And you’d be wrong. He has almost 14,000 LIKES on Facebook, 52,000 followers on Twitter, and one of those dumb ass statuses above had over 7,000 likes. Who are these lost souls who are listening to all this nonsense, rubbish and idiocy??? We need to pray for them and throw them in a pool of holy water. In fact, I kinda blame them. I’m supremely annoyed as hell that women are co-signing it by the droves.
I blame the lonely women who sop up this bad advice like cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster. I blame them for being willing audiences to relationship experts and their raggelly ass advice that ain’t worth a damb. I really do. All up through Terry’s FB fan page are women commenting about how amazing his advice is and how much they’ve learned from him. And after every one of them that I saw, I was driven to fight the air like the Matron Saint of Bad Decisions, Fantasia.
I FEEL YOU, TASIA MAE!!!
Women who aren’t happy with their relationship status have made themselves the victims to these people who have no credentials or reason to be giving out advice. And people who love to prey on this vulnerability are doing it and making mad monies from it. I’m SUPER over it.
Terry Bams and his counterparts all need to quit playing these bald-headed games. And ladies, don’t let them feed you this lonely girl propaganda. We’re better than this.
Also, friends don’t let friends fall for the okey doke of these stranger bishes who wanna dole out bad tips. No country for janky relationship experts. No zip code municipality or city council. NONE.
That is all. Whatcha’ll gotta say?
P.S. Feel free to pass this post along to that friend you have. You know the one who’s always buying relationship advice books and subscribes to every relationship blog on the web? Yes. Send it to her.
Related post: I’m Still Not Here for These Relationship Experts