Some folks age gracefully and get better with time, like good wine (not the cheap one that comes in boxes even though some of that is delicious but I heard will give you a hell of a hangover). And then there’s Coolio, who went to someone’s event looking like this:
Sir. SIR!!! Why do you have an airplane landing strip of bald and then pigtails of 4 cornrows each sitting on your scalp like dog ears? Coolio is outchea looking like he’s rocking a Halloween costume none of us can figure out.
Who does Coolio’s hair at this point? When he sits in someone’s chair with two afropuffs sitting on each side of his head, who is the hairdresser who willingly turns them into 3.5 braids? Where is he or she and why isn’t their license revoked for contributing to society’s detriment? You can’t be proud of your work as a stylist if this is what you’re doing. The 5 minutes it takes to braid his entire head gotta be torture. I bet whoever it is has guilt, thinking “I’m better than this.” YOU ARE!
And so are you, Coolio!
Then, why is he still holding on to these hair patches? He should just shave them off and rock a baldie. Someone has GOT to tell Old Man Coolio to let these go because he’s out here bogus.
If he ever performs Gangsta’s Paradise again, he needs to switch the lyrics up:
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of bald
I take a look at my scalp and realize there’s nothin’ left
Cause I’ve been braiding and cornrowing for so long,
That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone
Real gangstas know when they start looking like pet rabbits.
But yeah, someone come get Coolio and help him cut off this Struggle Hair of his. Scalp looking drafty and hair looking weak. It’s time, sir. You gotta let go. Outchea looking like a human bull. NAWL! Looking like a walking miracle because that hair is parted like a Red Sea. UNCOOLio.
Which of you is gon tell Coolio to let go and let bald? The two roads that diverged in the woods that Robert Frost was talmbout are sitting on Coolio’s scalp. I don’t have time.