The fact that the last episode of Scandal ended without me rolling on carpet shoulda let me know that Shonda was preparing to slay all our feelings this week. I shoulda been ready, but I wasn’t. Let’s just get right into it.
Charlie’s on the Job – Cyrus meets Charlie, his favorite private investigator and assassin with a folder with Jake’s picture. He wants him to find out what he can on him, and Charlie wonders if this is someone else he suspects James is cheating with. HA!
Name Your Source – President Ghost wants to know who gave Charlie the albatross information. He tells him that currently, the list of the people he can trust is short, and he is on the list. NAWL, Fitz! You can’t trust him either. Bless his little betrayed heart.
David’s House of Chaos – David comes home to see his house has been ransacked and things are everywhere. He hears a noise, ducks for cover and from the bottom of the table, he sees a woman’s feet as she walks out his house.
He just can’t catch a break!
They’ve Been Made – Huck and Quinn are driving around, tailing Director Osbourne and he’s trying to school her on the act of tailing folks. She’s distracted, asking him if he’s found a new family to watch. Then Huck realizes Osbourne’s car is taking a new route. He goes “we’ve been made.” Uh oh. That doesn’t sound ok.
Threats on Pope – Olivia’s at home when there’s a knock at her door. She opens it and finds a pissed off Osbourne. He’s asking why she’s been having him followed for the past week, and all of a sudden, the video feed that Jake is watching shuts off. What voodoo he do? Lawdt, he threatens Liv to leave him alone and she tells him that she knows people with “much higher pay grades” than him and he needs not step to her. WHO HE THINK HE IS? Oh yes. The director of the CIA. Still… DON’T COME GOT POPE!
One Red Cent – The Gladiators walk in the office to find David on their couch. He spent the night there, after finding his apartment in shambles. Poor thing. Then in comes Hollis and his wife, who are there to get their help. He is their newest client. Hollis has been married 5 times, and has 8 children. His youngest, Maybelle, is being held hostage. He plays the Gladiators the video of her crying talmbout her kidnapper (who is apparently her ex-boyfriend Justin) wants $20 million or they won’t see her again.
As his wife panics and Liv looks concerned, Hollis tells them that the video is great acting, and he doesn’t believe her because she’s on drugs and is always trying to bleed him for money. He laughs at the thought of paying a ransom, saying “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I pay one red cent…” WELP. He ain’t here for it.
When Something Mellie This Way Comes – Mellie’s all in Cyrus’ face trying to find out info on President Ghost’s dealings and Cyrus tells her that he doesn’t know because he’s still not in the inner circle, mainly because of her shady behind. He then proceeds to read her like Wikipedia, saying when he let down his guard a little bit, she basically screwed him.
And then he ends it with “Like a friend of mine likes to say, It’s handled.” CYRUS BEENE THE GOON, LADIES AND GENTS!
The Ear Apparent – The Gladiators are in the conference room with the Doyles when they open a package and it’s an ear. Maybelle’s ear. AW SNAP! It’s really getting real. Everyone looks shocked, besides Hollis, who is snacking and looking non-plussed. He wants someone to show him some receipts and proof that this is not a trick. David says they should call the cops. Umm… sir. THAT AIN’T HOW THEY ROLL! Huck replies with “If I wanted to see my loved one alive, I wouldn’t call the cops. I’d call us. Every time.” I’m with Huck.
Schedule Change – Mellie goes to the President’s secretary to see his schedule for the weekend. When she’s informed that his schedule is cleared for the weekend since the older kids are coming, she tells her to unclear it. Why’s she putting her nose in this? Lawd.
Karma Cackle – Cyrus calls Olivia and starts running his mouth when she interrupts him to say she doesn’t have time. She’s handling Hollis’ kidnapped daughter’s case. Cy says “Karma!” and cackles. He ain’t right. But it’s ok.
I love he.
Jake’s Crib Invasion – Jake calls Olivia and asks her out to lunch. She says she’d love to but she’s tied up at work. He says “of course” and opens up the door to her apartment, which he knows it currently empty. He looks at some of her papers, with info on the Wendy-Albatross business, takes pics and then he switches the video feed back on. WTF?!?! Jake is all in Liv’s house. Why isn’t Liv’s house better protected than this? I HAZ QUESTIONS!
Snitching is a Habit – Jake goes to see President Ghost and tells him that the mole is CIA Director Osbourne. When he’s questioned about how sure he is, he says his source is the same one that helped them with the hostage situation, and he trusts that it’s reliable info. Your move, Mr. President.
Imperfect Family – As Huckleberry Quinn stakes out the place where they think the kidnapped Maybelle is being held, they see a family. Quinn suggest that the family be Huck’s new one and he says no, because they don’t have a dog and a yard. Oh, he got standards, huh?
Earless Proof Positive – Hollis was skeptic about the whole hostage situation so he asked for proof of Maybelle’s cut off ear. The Gladiators get proof, in the form of the left side of her face, sans ear. And as soon as he sees it, Hollis turns to mush. “PAY’EM! PAY THOSE SUMBITCHES!” Mmhmm, he wasn’t tryna hear nobody before. But he did care.
Liv says they can pay the kidnapper, but only $10 million first. And then the other half when they can guarantee Maybelle’s safety. Hollis wanted to pay it all but she told him she wasn’t there for his advice. McWELPY!
For the Republic – Charlie gives Cyrus a file on Jake, with info he digged up on him. Cy marches right into the Oval Office and starts talmbout Fitz’ time in the Navy in Iran. President Ghost asked if he looked into his past to secure his job but Cyrus says he did it to show that they’ve BOTH done things that can’t be talked about. And they both did it for the love and protection of the “republic.” His was Defiance. SPEAK, CYRUS! Stop shutting him out, Prez Ghost. Rekindle the bromance!
Fitz tells him to sit down and says that Osbourne’s office is currently being packed up because he’s the mole. Aw snap! I think he just gave Cy inner circle status again. And Mellie’s at the door listening in on the conversation.
Hollis’ Thug is Down – Hollis is almost in tears talking to Quinn about how he “let my baby down.” It’s refreshing seeing him all vulnerable like this.
Then his phone rings and it’s Maybelle, saying her kidnapper is demanding the other half of the payment in 20 minutes. She gives them an address and the Gladiators drive there. I was not trusting her ONE BIT with every call she made.
Ennehweighs, Liv, Huck and Quinn show up outside of a warehouse and as tension rises when they wait, Huck asks if he can go in. Liv tells him no, and finally Maybelle runs out, they put her in the car and drive off.
I was not trusting her ONE BIT with every call she made. Crackheads will cut off their big toes for one more hit so for $20 million, shoo…
Pope’s Date Night – Cyrus calls Liv saying he’s coming over with wine and she tells him she’s got a date. She’s in a gorge white cocktail dress and is putting on shoes as she talks. And then she asks “how is he?” and had to be reminded that she’s going on a date so she shouldn’t ask. When Jake shows up, Liv is back in pants and a sweater, not looking like someone who has plans. He tells her to get ready and she says she isn’t going because she is not over her ex.
Jake tells her to close her eyes. And then gives one of my favorite monologues of the episode:
Whoever I am, I like you. I like you a lot. I like how you say what when you answer the phone, how you always seem to be wearing white, how wine seems to be a food group for you, I like that you know who you are, and that you fix everyone around you.
The men of Scandal have the BEST monologues. I be ready to throw my nightscarf at the TV when they talk.
When he’s done, he tells her to close her eyes and she does. And then he plays tongue hockey with her. Smoother than 90s R&B. When he finally pulls away, he asks if she’s still thinking about her ex and she shakes her head “no” and he says goodnight. SHE LYING!
Maybelle’s Kidnapper – Liv and the Doyles are with Maybelle at the hospital, with her bandaged head and Hollis shows his soft side, which is cute and creepy at the same time. Back at the Gladiator office, Harrison finds out that Justin, Maybelle’s supposed kidnapper has been in Thai jail for like a week. At the same time, Huck inspects the cut off ear and says that it’s too jagged of a job for it to be done by anyone but the person whose ear it is. That broad kidnapped herself! Either that or Manti Te’o’s girlfriend did it. (-_-)
A lot of us saw that coming because she wasn’t to be trusted from the get go, so we deserved a group high five for that! And Hollis had been right to be so skeptical of her at first. Trifling game recognizes trifling game!
They bring Maybelle to the Gladiator office, and she doesn’t deny it. She turns to Hollis and says “you always find a way to screw me.” LIL TYRANT! YOU CUT OFF YOUR OWN EAR! SHUT YO ASS UP! When children yell “I HATE YOU, MOM!” at 5 years old, this is the adult they can turn into. Liv (who was rocking dark clothes) tells her “You’re not just spoiled and selfish. You’re stupid.” GO IN, THEN!
Love or Money? – Hollis is disgusted by his daughter and he tells her that she can have the $20 million if she promises to never come back. She has to choose between her family and that money. Maybelle doesn’t hesitate much, choosing the money as her mother starts bawling. To be really real, I’d pick my family over $20 million without hesitation. Family over everything.
Tantrums and Hissy Fits – Albatross Osbourne goes in Cyrus’ office to say he’s been told to leave his position, and accused of being a government mole. He says he’s served the government for decades and he would never do such a thing. Beene the beast tells him “The President has decided that he no longer needs your services. And I serve at the pleasure of the President.” Salute, sir!
Mellie Reads for Life – Mellie walks in the Oval Office and President Ghost starts yelling at her because she told his secretary to unclear his schedule. He’s pissed because he thinks she’s trying to keep their kids away from him, and he knows she isn’t that maternal and he basically lets her have it. And then she turns around and reads him like he’s Microsoft Encarta and it’s 1997. He’s been mean and yelling at the kids and they chose not to come home. She tells him scotch has become his BFF, he’s no longer the Fitz and father they know, and he has become HIS father, who he hated. “You are Big Jerry.” And the look on his face is priceless. Then she hits us with the best line of the night.
“It’s because you found your precious Olivia doesn’t have the secrets of the universe tucked between her magical thighs.”
ALL THE WELPS THAT EVER WELPED IN WELPCHESTER!!!
REAAAADDDDD, MELLIE! Say what you will about that manipulative shrew but she ain’t lie there! Every time I’m on the verge of hating Mellie, she goes and does something like this. I hate that I can’t hate her! By hate, I mean love.
New Family Love – Huck notices that Quinn can’t get in touch with her father and she seems a bit sad about it. He drives her to the front of a house, with a dad and child having dinner, and he tells her about them. She asks him if this is the family, because they aren’t what Huck wants (remember dog and yard)? Huck tells her it’s not for him. AAWWWW Huckleberry Quinn is officially adorbs.
Get me a family of my own to stalk so I know it’s real!
Osbourne Left for Dead – It’s announced on the news that newly-former Director of the CIA was found dead in his car, from an apparent suicide and Olivia’s mouth drops. They show his body in the car and his brain juice is all over the windows. AW NAW!
The Wrong Mole – Jake is sitting on a park bench with some older dude we shall call Whitley’s Byron Douglass. The guys asks him if he took care of “it” and if they bought that Osbourse was the mole. Jake says yes, and Byron keeps it moving. And the episode ends.
My. jaw. was. on. the. floor. SO JAKE KILLED OSBOURNE?!? AND SET HIM UP TO BE ALBATROSS?!? *runs around the house* *slides off my couch* *gets up* *wall slides* OMGGGGGGGGGGG!!! I AM UNABLE, LAWD!!! UNABLE TO FIND ANY CANS! I CANNOT! MY ABILITY TO CAN IS AT AN ALL TIME LOW!
CHILE! Just when we all thought the mole was handled, Shonda throws this giant wrench into our plans and slays us all! WHOOOOOO!
I have so many questions. Like who is the Byron dude? And how many people is Jake working for? What is his real motivation?
Also, what part of your body would you cut off for $20 million? If you had to choose between your family and $20 million, which would you choose?
As always, shoutout to Scandal Moments Tumblr for the show gifs.