I have been ready for the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion since I saw previews last week and knew it was gon be good. I knew so much tea would be spilled that Lipton might cry. Well, it’s a three-part reunion and if each one had a theme, this one’s was the wig snatch of Kenya.
First of all, the ladies of RHOA took this reunion seriously, well as far as their looks went. They ALL looked amazing. Even Kenya. In spite of the moon surface skin. And the raccoon eye makeup. She looked good. BUT, methinks the person who came through and SLAYED EVERYONE was Cynthia Bailey.
BEEEESSSSHHH WERK!!! You Black Nubian Queen under velvet moonlight!!! GIRL! What??? Cynthia looked FLAWLESS. Her boobs were SITTING like kids on a yellow school bus. Her hair was LAIDT like pride, joy and opulence. And that dress was MADE for her. I am just… *stands up and gives her a standing ovation*. Peter better know he is a lucky man. GOODNESS! Slayed. SLAYED!
The rest of the ladies looked nice too, of course.
Andy kicked it off by introducing the ladies. And Nene MIGHT be his favorite because he surely called her by her FULL name: Linnethia Monique Leakes. But he dove right into the hot button topics, and the ladies came with their claws out, ready to read each other.
One of the first memorable lines of the reunion was from Phaedra, who said “Everyone up here is a lady.” *looks at Kenya* “Well everyone up here is a female.” And I cackled. And knew this hour was gon be nothing but the utmost shade being thrown around.
We find out that Kandi is suing Kim Zolciak for “Tardy for the Party.” And then we get confirmation that Kenya is a special kind of delusional. The kind that will watch you sleep. They bring up how she said everyday, someone mistakes her for Beyoncé and I realize that it might be the craziest line I’ve ever heard on ANY RHOA episode EVER.
The issue of Kenya’s cancer scare came up and she was salty that none of the women called her to check up on her. Ma’am. They were supposed to call you to cheer you on for not having cancer? ESPECIALLY since y’all aren’t friends? Girl SHET UP. And this is when she started getting on everyone’s nerves with the prop she brought to add a bit more extra to her ALREADY overflowing extraness: a fan.
She almost hit herself in the chin a couple of times, and Kandi too. Girl, BOOM! Always doing the most with the least. Some folks on Twitter said maybe she was having hot flashes from menopause. Maybe. But the fool coulda been less dramatic with it.
Speaking of Kandi, her and Nene have this weird relationship where they KNOW they should be friends on paper but they throw so much shade at each other that they can’t get it together. And I want them to be friends, too. It makes sense. They end up having an argument on the show where Nene doesn’t acknowledge that she can be shadeful and mean about Kandi and it ends with no resolution. Womp.
Then Andy turns to Porsha about whether her getting Kenya’s title wrong was shade and she said it honestly wasn’t. Kenya gets all up in a tizzy and I need her to realize that she was Miss USA AMERICA NORTH WHATEVER about 25 years ago. She should be happy people remember she won anything. She admits to not liking Porsha when she first met her because she was such a cheerleader and all bubbly. Sooo she basically didn’t like her because was CHEERFUL? BEESH YOU MAD THAT SHE’S HAPPY?!? Girl, go sit down.
And here’s where Porsha started reading Kenya like Microsoft Encarta. First, she asked her why she doesn’t acknowledge Carolyn Gist as the first Black Miss USA. I said LOOK AT MY PORSHA! My boo don found Google, yall! And then she told her not to dry out her contacts with that fan and iHOLLERED! I was at home like:
Next, the topic of the booty workout tapes comes up and Kenya says she didn’t steal the idea from Phaedra. Andy asked her if she was going to make a workout tape before she heard of “Donkey Booty” and she said “No.” Ma’am. You stole. Get your life. She started talmbout how her tape is doing better than Phae’s and can’t e’em back it up with real proof. Talmbout it’s “all over the internet.” When? What internet? Is there another internet I don’t know about? Cuz… NO MA’AM! Just delusional. Phaedra asked her if she’s getting her info from some “urban blogs” and more than a coupla folks thought she needed to keep it cute because she was potentially biting the hand that was giving the spoon that was helping to feed her.
And Phaedra proceeded to let Kenya HAVE IT! Hitting us with such gems as “We got single white female. Now we got black delusional Kenya.” and “You selling a booty made in Mexico!” and “I don’t delight in this.” She made me forgive her for lying about never wearing fake hair. Girl… ok. But Kenya couldn’t think quick so her edges KEPT getting snatched.
Kenya came to a battle of wits with a q-tip when everyone else brought AK-47s. She lost SO hard. So much that she even threatened to fight a very pregnant Phaedra. The last resort of butthurt fools everywhere. Threatening an asswhopping.
At the end, all she could muster up was a line she must have been holding in her proverbial back pocket for such a time as this. She yelled at Phaedra “Don’t come for me unless I send for you.”
Well GOOD for you, Kenya! I do love that line and I will be using it. and I know you didn’t come up with it. But good for you!
Next reunion, Kim Zolciak is gonna make an appearance and Nene is gon welcome her with “C’MON, WIG!” LMAO! I’m ready.
Did y’all watch? Who read Kenya for filth the best?