7 Reasons Why My College Entrance Essay Was the Worst
While being random and perusing my computer, I came across a folder labeled “College Papers.” It was a gold mine, if “gold mine” now means “painful reminder of my past inadequacies and immaturity.” There were about 25 documents from undergrad: essays, research papers and other things to let me know I’ve come A LONG WAY in this writing game. Whoooo.
The oldest document was the personal statement I had to write when I was applying to college. I opened it and was horrified at how terrible it was. I actually facepalmed while reading it. Praise Elohim for high test scores because I might have been so short.
I mean, I had correct grammar and syntax and all that but the content was just a mess. The thing is that I’ve always gotten As and whatnots on my papers and English has always been my strong suit. BUT I musta cobbled this together the night before my application was due. Procrastination has been one of my skills for a very long time.
Shamefully, I will present some of the foolery I wrote to y’all, and why this essay sucked so much.
1. “Being a doctor has always been my ambition. For as long as I could remember, I have pictured myself wearing a white lab coat and scrubs, with a stethoscope draped around my neck.”
Yes, 16 year old Luvvie. Because ALL being a doctor is about is putting on coats. Girl, you’re so damb shallow. STAHP. Also, this is your opener? THIS WEAKNESS? Ma’am. Nope.
2. “Initially, it was because my family members always told me how intelligent I was, and that I would grow up to become one. Now that I have matured, and have become capable of forming my own ideals and principles, I still would like to become a doctor.”
Ummmm… sooooo I said I wanted to be a doctor because I’ve always been smart. Yes. ME AND 6 BILLION OTHER PEOPLE CAN CLAIM SMART! Chile… look at this foolishment. And HOLY REDUNDANCY, BATMAN! “Ideals and principles.” I musta been tryna make the essay longer to make it seem better. I bet I set the margins to this essay to 2 inches around the border too.
3. “My desire does not warrant itself on what my family thinks, but because I genuinely like to help people. I realize that I could help people by becoming a firefighter or a police officer, but I do not think that I could measure up to their brazenness, especially in light of recent traumatic events. I just feel that I am meant to be in the medical field.”
9/11 had just happened 2 months before I wrote this essay so I’m basically saying I’m a punk. I wanna help folks and I picked being a doctor over a firefighter because I didn’t wanna run into a burning building. If that ain’t some punk bitch shit. WOMAN UP, TEEN LUVVIE! Also, who told me that these professions were the only ways I could help people? I was sheltered. I ain’t know no better.
4. “I have not decided yet, but emergency medicine is one of the medical areas that I am considering. In fact, ER is one of my favorite television shows. Although I realize that the situations are fictional, they seem to ring true.”
Teenage me is OFFICIALLY on timeout. Even back then I watched too much TV. Who says they wanna become a doctor because of ER?!? That show shoulda taught me that I didn’t wanna become one unless I get to work next to a hot doctor who looks like George Clooney. What kinda impressionable shit? No ma’am. Sit down.
5. “The diseases the doctors deal with and treat are real, and it proves to be an educational show. I admire the “doctors,” and the way they think fast, and on their feet. I like watching them save people with a command to the nurse or a compression of the chest. They can literally breathe life into someone, bringing them form the brink of death. It is images like those that further reassure my choice in becoming a doctor.”
LOLLLLL WUT?!? I know doggone well I ain’t learn about NO diseases on ER. I was boolsheeting like whoa. LIKE. WHOA. I really did my best to sell them this ER-manufactured dream. This is such a mess and I’m embarrassed.
6. “I realize that a doctor’s life can be very stressful. I believe that I can handle it though. The stress is little price to pay for the rewards that come with being a doctor. A doctor does not only save a person, he/she saves that individual’s family from the pain of losing a loved one. I have always wanted to make a positive impact in someone’s life, and I can find no better way to do so than by being a doctor.”
Let’s play a game of “Count how many times Luvvie can say ‘doctor’ in one paragraph.” And did I forget that pronouns besides “I” exist? Also, DUH LUVVIE! Doctors aren’t the only people who help people! Get out of your bubble!
7. “Each year I’ve attended high school, I’ve taken a science class. This year, I’m taking Honors Microbiology. The things I learn in this class will prove crucial in the medical field, which is all about microorganisms and the way they invade the body.”
GIRL BYE!!! My dumbass was really outchea telling them that I’m ready to become a doctor because I took honors microbiology (which I’m pretty sure I didn’t get an A in). That’s it. I quit me. What is this? Who told me? WHY?!?
Chile, again. Praise Him for growth because this essay was *Jean-Ralphio voice* THE WORST!
This essay was so bad that the word bad filed a restraining order against me for sullying its name.
Not only was it badly-written but I clearly didn’t become a doctor (see: the fact that I was bullshitting). I was Psychology Pre-Med when I started college but after getting the first Ds of my academic career back to back in Chemistry 1 and 2, I dropped that pre-med with a quickness. And then I had a come to Jesus moment with myself and realized that I don’t even LIKE hospitals.
So there’s that. And here I am today. The one thing that I DID mean in this essay was that I wanted to help people in some way and today, I help folks laugh. SO TAKE THAT, TEENAGE LUVVIE!
Have any of you gone back to read some of your high school and college essays? Did you fall out your chair from embarrassment like I did?