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Gahtdambit, Florida! 10 Ridiculous Headlines from America’s Foot

Florida is the worst. Everyday, we hear news that just makes you go “FUCKING FLORIDA!” In Florida, cops can choke a little Black boy holding a puppy because he gave them a “dehumanizing” stare. And Stand your ground laws are the ultimate trap against Black folks. And we can’t forget the dude who ate someone’s face. HOW CAN WE FORGET?!?!

Some of the stories that come out of Florida sound like satire and we think they’re from the Onion. But NO. The state’s news has become such a nuisance that its reputation precedes it around the world too. They had an Australian dude who’s never been to the U.S. label the states. Below is the awesomest map you ever did see.

America by australian

He deemed Florida “Penis gun freakyland.” LMAOOO! I really think that’s the perfect name for it.

Anywho, there’s a Twitter account called @_FloridaMan and it tweets real headlines from the state with links to their stories. Each one is more terrible than the last and they’re endless. It’s pretty much the best and worst thing on Twitter and you should follow it. Below are 10 shameful stories from Florida, and most of these are just from the past 2 weeks.

Because criminals in Florida think public transportation is the best way to elude the police.

Because there’s a market for the toenails of our Lord. I don’t even and I can’t even.

Because those nuggets were too delicious and the woman and her fetus tried it by trying to eat them. Aggravated assault over salty fake poultry.

John Oliver Florida Dick Gun

Click the pic to watch the Daily Show’s epic takedown of Florida.

Because we all need recipes and he’s just trying to be helpful. DUH!

Because you understanding that you can’t pay for REAL snacks with IMAGINARY currency is just too much to ask for in Florida.

Because it’s fine if you have a weed garden as long as you don’t sell it. Oh and he TOTALLY didn’t “steal” that monkey. It was “loaned” to him. O___o

Because ain’t enough cleaning in the world!

Because alcohol stealing fake ninjas are real. In Florida.

Because who needs science fiction scare tactics when you have real life in Florida with an invasion of herpes-infected monkeys??

Because…why?

One bonus one:

Because… obviously.

I shook my head so hard I almost gave myself whiplash. Thank you to @_FloridaMan for being a constant reminder that Florida is the country’s middle finger. They just stay saying “f*ck everybody.” That state might have overstayed its welcome. Just like that guest who won’t leave your party even though you’ve changed into your pajamas and started turning off your house lights talmbout “WHOOO it’s late, ain’t it?”

Can we vote it off the island or nah?

Florida FAIL gif

The people who live in Florida and have sense can move to Wyoming. There’s mad space there for you. We got you covered and we won’t leave you behind because of the foolishment of your neighbors. But them others? Chile… let’s just pack up their things. UGH!

Florida’s ALWAYS doing the most with the least. So whatcha’ll think of Florida? Fill in the blank: “Florida is America’s __________.”

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31 Comments

  1. AshPeezy
    November 26, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Florida is America’s: Ass if America were dressed in a damb donkey costume for all Hallowed Eve chile!

  2. Tina
    November 26, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    Florida is America’s herpes blister. (I can’t get herpes out of my head thanks to the herpes-infected monkey story.)

    The worst headline I’ve heard from Florida today is the little girl who got expelled from her school for having natural hair. Because she was getting bullied for it and her parents had the unmitigated gall to ask the school to do something about it.

  3. Tip
    November 26, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    Florida is America’s crackhead cousin who no one invites to any family functions but he always shows up anyway.

    • MzBhavn
      November 26, 2013 at 7:40 pm

      Oooh wee! This is so true. And….I live in the crackhead cousin state. *disclaimer – grew up in the suburbs of ChiTown.*

  4. Rene
    November 26, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Luvvie, I love you dearly. Like a first cousin I can’t wait to see every summer vacay. But these Florida posts are hurting me. Born and raised. These folks are crazy yes, but I can’t leave my beaches and sunny weather year round.

    • Tiger Tyson
      November 26, 2013 at 8:54 pm

      YES! Remind Luvvie why no one who has lived in Florida will move to Wyoming! Screw the snow. Unfortunately, there’s no good state in the south. The progressive states are cold and up north or far west.

      And FL is America’s Bastion of Bullshit.

      • fellicity
        November 27, 2013 at 3:08 pm

        It’s called California. Join us!

    • Opal
      November 27, 2013 at 11:51 am

      So ya’ll really gonna act like California doesn’t exist? O.k.

    • foxxxtalltrees
      December 5, 2013 at 10:14 am

      ALOHA FROM HAWAII. JOIN US W/3% BLACK FOLK, 2.9% OZ F WHICH ARE MILITARY AND LEAVING ANY MINUTE. WOULD LOVE TO SEE MORE PPL LIKE ME!

  5. November 26, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    Florida is America’s douche nozzle. #Thatisall

    • Niki
      November 26, 2013 at 7:41 pm

      You won it all!! 🙂

    • maya
      November 26, 2013 at 7:58 pm

      Yes, honey!!!! LOL!!

    • Sweetpea
      November 27, 2013 at 8:59 am

      And you have won everything!

  6. Kamesa
    November 26, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    Florida is America’s crazy cousin who lives in Grandma’s attic! I live in Jacksonville and the only craziness that we have in my part of FL are those people who think that Tim Tebow should play for the Jaguars! LOL! With the exception of George Zimmerman, I just laugh and shake my head at the foolery that happens here.

  7. kwan
    November 26, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    I love my home state I truly do. For it’s Southern, Caribbean and Spanish mixed culture. The sunny weather and it’s home to some of the best colleges and universities in the land. However, Florida is on some BS. It started with the election of 2000 and its ain’t shxtness has been rising ever since.

  8. CreativeDiva413
    November 26, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    THANK YOU for the Bugs Bunny gif. I was JUST telling a friend of mine that I wish it were real. If I could use a map like a voodoo doll, I’d erase FL with a sharpie, rip it off the map & burn it. We can move Disney Land and ’em to Virginia or something.

  9. CreativeDiva413
    November 26, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    OH… And one more
    http://m.local10.com/news/africanamerican-girl-faces-expulsion-over-natural-hair/-/16717752/23165492/-/wf1ej/-/index.html

    Florida is America’s infected, wart riddled, diseased right testicle. We know it’s there, but no one wants to acknowledge it’s existence in mixed company. Just nasty for no damb reason.

  10. Jabari
    November 26, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    Florida is America’s uncle that comes to EVERY FAMILY FUNCTION, dressed in his FUBU jersey, dingy cargo shorts and socks with sandals. He always comes with Hennessy and his own supply of red cups. He constantly hits on you, your cute female friends and cousins, talmbout “he’ll be a real good suga daddy”. His theme song is “Supaman Lover”. He always brings some tragic young thing with him and introduces her as his new boo thang. Lastly, at the end of the function, he is all forms of PISSY DRONK and cussing e’erbody; his mama (your grandma) comes to retrieve him, saying “LEROY, BRING YO DRUNK ASS ON BOY FO YOU GIT HURT!!! LAWDT JESUS, BE MY STRENGTH!!!!!”

    #fact #iaintlyin

    • Opal.NdaRuff
      November 27, 2013 at 11:55 am

      dead @ FUBU jersey.

  11. Ash
    November 26, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Florida is Americas funny uncle! He isn’t related in anyway but insists that you call him uncle! We don’t know that fool 🙂

  12. Teri Howard
    November 26, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Unshaved cootiecat.

    • vanita applebum
      November 27, 2013 at 8:53 am

      *Giggles @ cootiecat*

  13. November 26, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    Florida is America’s Boo Radley.

    • November 28, 2013 at 12:09 pm

      More like America’s Bob Ewell. Boo Radley was a good guy.

      It’s Bob who may have caused his daughter to give birth to his own grandchildren. O_o

  14. Jae
    November 26, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Florida is America’s crotch sweat. Embarrassing and…really…is there a purpose to it?

  15. Mrs.Reed
    November 26, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    I live in Mobile, Al. I’m 30 minutes away from Florida. There is a radio show here that has a segment called “screwy news” that talks about crazy news from all over. 90% of those news stories are from Florida. The DJ calls Florida “FlorDUH”.

  16. Silk!
    November 27, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Florida=America’s Hemmoroid

    Located in a hot place, it’s an itchy inflamed pain in the ass embarrassment.

    I also listen to a radio show with odd stories and yes, most happen in Florida.

  17. Opal.NdaRuff
    November 27, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Florida is America’s: Reason why we can’t have nice things.

  18. November 28, 2013 at 1:29 am

    Florida is America’s…wonky eye. Sometimes, it’s on the right path with the other eye…but then, when the cameras roll, it wonders off the reservation and makes you wish you wore your shades. Word to Musiq Soulchild.

  19. November 28, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Florida is America’s dingleberry.

    It’s the country’s deferred dream.

  20. Nisi
    February 12, 2015 at 6:16 am

    I’m a little (okay, almost two YEARS) late but Florida is America’s tumor.