Whose is this?

Happy Thanksgiving! Whose Abomination Turkey is This?

I’m thankful for so much. A transformative year with showers of blessings, awesome friends and family and living and working with passion. I am also thankful for the Cookingforbae for showing me your struggle plates as well as my crappy T-mobile service for delaying the mass “Happy Thanksgiving” texts from phone numbers I don’t recognize.

With that out of the way, can we talk about this turkey that @SynKami dropped in my Twitter timeline? She found a pic of someone’s abomination bird and I had to come in here to roast whoever OVER-ROASTED this turkey.

burnt turkey

WHAT IN ALL THAT IS GOOD, EDIBLE AND HOLY IS THIS?!? Why is this turkey looking like a thestral from Harry Potter? Remember them black horses that were only visible to people who had seen death? Who had to die for this turkey to live?!? Luna Lovegood is somewhere giving the tale of how she got to be able to see this bird.

Also, how do you burn a turkey to the point where it looks like the batmobile? I’m expecting Bruce Wayne to come out the thigh and try to save Gotham kitchen. What is WRONG with yall? If you can’t cook, you better order out, go to a friend’s house or just babysit the kids til the grown ups are done. This ain’t e’em right! Folks gotta know their limitations outchea.

That oven’s temperature was set to “TURN DOWN FO WHAT” Degrees Fahrenheit. Just complete fail. I bet the people who came to eat were MAD AS HELL!!!

That turkey is dressed like Martin Lawrence in his “You So Crazy” stand up special. All black leather everything. I bet I could make a bad ass belt from that turkey’s skin. Doggone bird got painted with the same thing Jermaine Jackson uses for his hair. I AIN’T GOT TAHM!!

 

By the way, have you seen the new dishes on @CookingforBae today? This is like cooking Christmas. Everyone thinks their dish is what’s hot but most of them look like despair, bitterness and denial. Chile:

cookingforbae thanksgiving

Whooo, I cannot. So I ask. Whose turkey is this? And why won’t yall stop cooking for bae? Bae is gon get food poisoning from your love in food form. If cooking is not your ministry, stay out the damb kitchen!

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63 Comments

  1. November 28, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    That oven’s temperature was set to “TURN DOWN FO WHAT” Degrees Fahrenheit.

    crying

    • QueenSista
      November 28, 2013 at 2:32 pm

      I bet if they touch that it will turn to ash .

      • November 28, 2013 at 5:22 pm

        Lmao just like in the Looney Tunes?! iCant!

    • November 28, 2013 at 2:45 pm

      I mean it. How else do you char a bird to this point?

      • November 29, 2013 at 11:54 am

        It kind of looks like Martha Stewart’s new lacquered turkey recipe. It comes out black like that because of a paste spread on it. Then you peel of the black crust and the skin is golden brown underneath.

  2. dmaclee
    November 28, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    “Set to Akon”…the toddler had to console me.

    • November 28, 2013 at 2:45 pm

      Girl. I’m STILL cracking up at that.

      • Amber
        November 28, 2013 at 4:15 pm

        but akon though?? Y’all are foolish for this, but I love it!!

      • dmaclee
        November 29, 2013 at 2:36 pm

        A day later and silent tears. This is what “godforsaken” looks like.

  3. jcanwisegrrl
    November 28, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    iCAN’T!!!!! All my cans have absolutely given up and moved to Canada. WHYYYYYYY LAWD???! *convulses in laughter on the floor*

  4. Kamesa
    November 28, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    I bet that creepy Black Rubber Suit Guy from American Horror Story would love that turkey. Either that or he would be really pissed that someone made that turkey from his suit. I’m so done with that picture, though. LOL!

    • milaxx
      November 28, 2013 at 5:32 pm

      The Gimp Suit! That’s what I thought of too.

    • kwan
      November 28, 2013 at 8:55 pm

      OMG I thought of the same thing. Like why is this bird dressed in a latex suit.

  5. Shevy
    November 28, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    I bet all the innards are still in that mug too.

    • mobaygurl
      November 27, 2015 at 5:06 pm

      *snort*

  6. Stephanie
    November 28, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    That turkey is wearing the finest of Memebers’ Only Jackets and y’all are just mad abaaarit!

    • November 28, 2013 at 2:44 pm

      LMAO!!! Why are you a mess???

    • rainebeaux
      November 28, 2013 at 5:41 pm

      Noooooo. I’m out.

  7. Shevy
    November 28, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    That turkey look like Missy Elliot in her “Can’t Stand the Rain” video.

    • November 28, 2013 at 2:44 pm

      I. DON. DIE! You have killed me. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    • mscharming88
      November 28, 2013 at 2:57 pm

      X_________X

    • funkmysoul
      November 29, 2013 at 4:15 am

      SCREAMING.

  8. mscharming88
    November 28, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Looks like that bird had a fight in a damn tar pit. Po’ lil tink tink.

  9. Shakira
    November 28, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Ol S & M ass turkey! Fuck is wrong with people??!? ctfu How in the hell did that person not smell a THING while it was in the process of gettin that black?!

  10. Nichole
    November 28, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    The saddest part is is it was probably frozen on the inside.

    • Lilybet
      November 28, 2013 at 7:11 pm

      Exactly! It’s probably pink and raw on the inside.

  11. Leo the Yardie Chick
    November 28, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    ……….and they had the nerve to put it on a platter, as if presentation can make up for charcoaled turkey.

    • November 28, 2013 at 4:19 pm

      THIS is wtf I’m REALLY saying. The sheer audacity! To put it on a platter and actually photograph the travesty!

      This is truly the Devil’s work.

  12. Brittni
    November 28, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    You know why I started frequenting your site? Because you are the only comic writer I know who regularly references Harry Potter…and I am here for that kinda horcrux love, I say!

  13. CreativeDiva413
    November 28, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Ima need the Grim Reaper to tell his mama to cut it out. This is some b*llish!

  14. November 28, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    That turkey is dressed like a ninja, yo! He said he would be DAMBED if he was gonna be eaten like the rest of dem birds!

  15. onlychyld
    November 28, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Why is that turkey in blackface?

  16. rainebeaux
    November 28, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    This is a war crime. Ole Dominatrix Sleeps Tonight, Al Jolson’s Revenge, 59th second Presidential pardon by Yaphet Kotto from the crematorium arse turkey. HOW AND WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!

    • November 28, 2013 at 11:21 pm

      Wow! You just did the impossible: re-roast the hell out of an already burnt-to-a-crisp roasted turkey! Lol

  17. Nae
    November 28, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    Looks like the queen from Aliens.

  18. Lennette
    November 28, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    *dead* I couldn’t STOP laughing! Looks like the Green Hornet’s Lincoln! Kind of looks Run DMC’s Tougher than Leather outfits! Remember the episode from Flavor of Love where the one crazy chick stuffed a turkey and put it in the microwave and tried to say she cooked it? It was RAW as h-e-double-hockey-sticks! That’s just crazy!

  19. Carriecnh12
    November 28, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    That turkey is priceless worth more than the Heart of the Ocean, why you ask? Because that big chunk of charcoal is turning into the biggest diamond on earth from all the pressure the geologist/”cook” is putting it under to pretend to be edible.

    Cause I mean how else is something like this physically possible.

  20. Msoand
    November 28, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    There it is…..Jermaine Jackson was looking for hair do! KMSL!!!

    • Msoand
      November 28, 2013 at 9:31 pm

      *for his hair do

  21. Right ...right
    November 28, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    Girl,

    I thought it was chocolate…nooooo!

  22. November 28, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    I am truly can deficient about this Knight Rider turkey!!!

  23. Ally
    November 29, 2013 at 12:01 am

    Crying real tears over this post and comments.

    Imma pour out a 40 in this poor bird’s memory.

  24. Nik-Neezy
    November 29, 2013 at 1:06 am

    It is 2:00am est.
    the wife is (was) sleeping soundly in a peaceful food coma.
    Until I read this post.
    Thanks to you I have been brutally evicted from my bedroom.

    “The oven was set to TURN DOWN FOR WHAT.,”
    Turn… Down… For… What.
    I just lost my ability to can for the next six months. I am “can” deficient. The can account is negative. I owe more cans to myself than I do money to Sally Mae’s ass.
    I. Can. Not.

  25. November 29, 2013 at 1:14 am

    Oh my lord. iCant.
    I just can not

  26. funkmysoul
    November 29, 2013 at 4:17 am

    UGH, that is disgusting. I looked through the other cooking FAILS and bruh some of them made my stomach turn all the way over. The hilarious thing is people actuallly post these pics and they’re hella proud of it. Dafuq is wrong with yall???

  27. Serenity
    November 29, 2013 at 5:34 am

    I’m impressed with how uniformly black that bird is. They took some skill….

    • Pepper
      December 1, 2013 at 6:46 pm

      I’m sitting at the boarding gate at the airport and I busted out with an unexpected guffaw… It created an echo. “Impressed w how uniformly black it is!?”.

  28. KayMee
    November 29, 2013 at 6:03 am

    Is that Will.I.am from the 2010 VMAs? #allblackerrything

  29. blackberry molasses
    November 29, 2013 at 8:44 am

    posted this in my tumblr yesterday: let us say a prayer for all the turkeys that sacrificed themselves and became strugglebirds.

    you did not die for this type of dishonor, fine gobbler. the odds were never in your favor *district 12 salute*

    • Shakira
      November 29, 2013 at 10:28 pm

      *plays TAPS*

  30. Charest Kay
    November 29, 2013 at 9:18 am

    When I tell you this bird is the lovechild of LeatherFace and Strange’?
    I am so tiiiied of lmao @ the twisted thangs they do with food on CFB. Tiiiied. Hotdogs baked into a pan of cornbread! HMPH!

  31. Charest Kay
    November 29, 2013 at 9:21 am

    You cain’t TELL ME this bird ain’t draped in Professor Snape’s cape.

    • funkmysoul
      November 29, 2013 at 8:47 pm

      lmfaooooooooooo. LMAO. Flat. Lined.

  32. Sunny
    November 29, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Growing up we would have called this Cajun Style……but I’m thinking they tried to deep fry this, caught the house on fire and this is the picture for the insurance claim.

  33. Vonetta
    December 1, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    See…I know my limitations, so this is exactly why I didn’t attempt to roast a turkey this year (or any other year, for that matter)…sitting up there looking like a minature Batman on a plate. SMH.

    I’ma really need some assurance that this is actually somebody’s turkey wrapped in some black Hefty bag plastic…because I just cain’t.

  34. A little birdy
    December 13, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    As someone else noted in a previous comment, it is Martha Stewart’s “black lacquered turkey” recipe. http://www.marthastewart.com/348453/black-lacquered-turkey

  35. Funnie*Bunnie
    September 1, 2014 at 11:48 am

    This looks deliberate. It’s too smooth to be just burned. Looks like it was dipped or painted with something.
    On the other hand, my friend Ramona made a very burned turkey 2 years ago and we’re still laughing at her!

  36. Naishah
    November 27, 2014 at 10:37 am

    I hit the floor at thestral. Luna Lovegood dont want to see this.
    Voldemort dont even wanna eat this. I AM WEEEEEAAAAAKKKK

  37. November 27, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    This poor turkey was set on #HELL which is not on my oven dial!!!!! I guess they forgot to read the package label that says 325F for a slow roast!!!! I hope there was a backup because I would be so mad with no eats on Thanksgiving. As for cookingforbae, that all looks like slop. It is all about presentation and I can’t even identify anything posted as edible…..#fail to 100th power!!!

  38. November 28, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    That turkey looks like it was cooked with a BLOWTORCH-or by Godzilla

  39. Gina
    November 26, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    “Oven Set to Akon “…if I was not the only black person sitting at this bar waiting for a damb delayed flight I would BE HOLLARIN !!!

  40. Maureen
    November 26, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    Whenever I attend someone’s Thanksgiving celebration, family or friends, I am always asked to bring ice or napkins. Sometimes paper towels or bottles Coke.

    I do not complain. I am comfortable with my limitations.

    If ever someone needs boxed mac & cheese or scrambled eggs for their Thanksgiving dinner, I will happily prepare them.

  41. Lex
    November 27, 2015 at 8:10 am

    When your turkey goes from Spiderman to Venom