The 2014 GRAMMY Awards were so long that when they started, gas prices were $1.56. Why? WHY WAS IT SO LONG?!? This is my first question but I have many more. And check out BuzzFeed’s 34 Best Moments From This Year’s Grammys post. I got most of these GIFs from there.
* Why was it real suspect that Madonna brought her Black son with her on the red carpet? I ain’t seen Madonna and her son together since he was a baby you could put on your hip. ALLASUDDEN, he’s her date to the GRAMMYs after her #DisNigga fiasco. Ok, girl. (-_-)
* Why was Beyonce’s performance so boring? Well, maybe it was to show us all that she is indeed human. It’s ok, Mrs. Carter. You can have an off night. The stringy wig she was rocking did look like she left her hot oil treatment in too long, doe.
* Did LL Cool J finally stop going to his plastic surgeon? Because I’m pleased by how he looked last night. Him (and Samuel L. Jackson) remain the only men who can rock a Kangol with a tux and look decent.
* Why did I just realize that Lorde is what woulda happened if Daria Morgendorffer knew how to sing? It’s been right there in my face ALL this time. When she won an award, I was pretty sure she was gonna get on stage and say “I hate everyone. Thank you.” And what she said wasn’t that much different. TOTES DARIA!
* Who told Hunter Hayes that he could get on stage and hit all them struggle notes? I was wondering if homeboy was gon bust a vocal chord straining like he was.
* What magical powers does Juicy J have that he e’em got Katy Perry on a pole?!? Must be the same ones he has that got him that Academy Award. Every time we’re reminded that he has an Oscar and Leonardo DiCaprio does not, an angel sings a sad love song.
* Am I a bad feminist because I actually tap my feet to Blurred Lines?Will I be excommunicated?
* Why am I the youngoldest person ever? When John Legend came on and crooned All of Me with that silky voice of his, I was all “THIS SONG IS AMAZING!” because it was my first time hearing it. All of Twitter told me it was at least 6 months old. SHARRAP AND DON’T JUDGE ME! Still, Johnny had me throwing a handkerchief at my TV.
* Why must we always let Taylor Swift finish? Because ONE music award show can’t go by without a Taylor performance. She got up there and headbanged through another scorned love song and got a standing ovation at the end. Award shows have totalty cheapened standing Os. You read a teleprompter right and you might get one nowadays.
* Why am I always so impressed by Pink?
I know this ain’t the first time she did her Cirque du Soleil performance but anyone who can hang upside down and twirl and still hit all her notes gets props from me. I breathe hard and get dizzy if I go through a revolving door too fast. Chile… WERK!
* Was it a good idea (on paper) to have Ozzie Osbourne help introduce Ringo Starr? Sure. Could anyone understand what he was saying? No.
* Why was Ringo Starr’s performance like him doing a bad karaoke impression of himself? It was so cute though how he swayed back and forth. It was like when you tell your 4 year old to come dance for everyone even though it’s their bedtime but you wanna prove they got it.
* Why did Jay-Z have me rolling when he came on to tell the GRAMMYs that their award was basically about to be Blue’s sippy cup? I HOLLERED! So shady and so awesome.
* Why did Kendrick Lamar come through and SLAY with his performance? I don’t e’em know his music like that and I was getting my life on the couch. It was the dopest performance of the night. And Taylor Swift was in the audience looking like the whitest girl that ever white. It was cute.
* Why did the GRAMMYs go so swiftly from Kendrick to some country girl who told us all TURN UP FOR WHAT? She was definitely the person brought there to bring the crunk down and get folks’ blood pressure regulated to normal. They set her up for the okey doke.
* I like her a lot but why was Julia Roberts at the GRAMMYs as a presenter? She don’t e’em GO HERE!
* Why was Paul McCartney’s hair LAID like mine was at prom 2002? Those feathers were so together. I was into it.
* Why has Willie Nelson been SUPER OLD years old for so long? I’m pretty sure he’s older than the first clock. He prolly created time when he was interning for God. Bless him.
* Is it safe to say that Pharrell and Daft Punk won the night? Between Pharrell’s hat and the robots piquing everyone’s interests as they went up over and over again for awards, they definitely won without shade.
* Why did I miss one of the best performances of the night, with Pharrell, Daft Punk, Nile Rodgers and Stevie Wonder, because I was crying laughing? Stevie’s hairline ain’t even visible from the front no more. I thought he had finally shaved his hair when I saw the front shot. But when he turned to the side and those brocs (braids + locs) were still there, I as finished. THRU! I fell into the cackles for 30 good minutes. I could not control myself.
And then @CThagod said Stevie looks like Jeezy coming and 2Chainz leaving and I almost pissed myself. Plus @Alneezy said “stevie wonder is on cbs and his hairline is on the food network” and I basically had to tell myself to breathe.
I already wrote a sternly-worded letter telling Stevie to fire his team because they don’t wish him well. I need him to take control and let them things go because they are unable to edge. We are here for him. We will support him through it. But whoooo.
* Why does Steven Tyler now look like someone’s aunty, post-menopause, and post facial hair you got used to. When he got on stage with Smokey Robinson to presented, and he bust out singing, he looked like everyone’s Aunty Beulah when she insists on singing praise before Thanksgiving dinner. Chile… his macho fetch ain’t happening with that moustache. But the side-eye that Smokey gave him, doe?? I DIED!
* Why was Yoko Ono jigging for her life all night? She was just bopping to the music with no worries.
* Why am I so not here for Macklemore? Like, every time I see him on my screen, my eyes roll so far back I need eye drops to get them back. During that “Same Love” performance, I was just annoyed and wondering why the dude is getting all these props when all he did was some mediocre spoken word while using his hands a lot. MEH.
* Why did Madonna emerge looking like Colonel Sanders on a diet? I guess she’s really into suits now but there’s a way to rock an all white suit and that wasn’t it. @MissZindzi said she looked like a dapper overseer and I cried.
* Why was the ONLY thing cute about the entire Macklemore/Madonna/Same Love set Queen Latifah and the 34 couples she married by the power vested in her by the state of California? THAT was cute.
Everything else felt cheap. And over-pandering. And just blah. And I’m a GLEE fan so that’s saying a lot.
And then I basically quit the show at that point. When it started, I was 29 and I had already spent 6 years watching that show. I wanted to go enjoy the rest of my 30s (-___-).
Long as hell for no damb reason. The GRAMMYs out-bored itself, which is a bit of an achievement.
Oh and Macklemore and Ryan Lewis won 4 GRAMMYs. Kendrick Lamar got 0. I don’t know either’s music well so I won’t say who was deserving of what. However, for Macklemore to send a text to Kendrick after the show talmbout how he knows he didn’t deserve to win the “Best Rap Album” and then Instagram it was waccccckkkksauce!
“Hey guise. I wanted to show you how awesome I am so I text Kendrick to tell him he’s awesome and I Instagrammed it.” – Macklemore. That’s some fake sincere shit. And that’s why I laugh at this Gawker piece called Macklemore is a Ho Bag (best headline ever, btw).
But yeah, another show and more meh. What was your favorite performance? And share your thoughts on the show in general.