Dear Lupita Nyong’o, Why Must You Slay Us Completely?
My newest celebrity crush is Lupita Nyong’o and if you have to ask me why, then we have nothing to talk about. I’m here to write her a love letter, because she is everything. I’m not even here to talk about her performance in 12 Years a Slave. No. I’m shallower that that. I am here because she is gorgeous and her style makes me swoon.
Dear Lupita Nyong’o,
So you think it’s ok to just come through and slay us all so effortlessly and so consistently with your beauty? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT IS ALRIGHT?!? My goodness.
You’re just FAHN for no reason. Finer than 3,000 count Egyptian cotton woven by the hands of that old woman who is ageless because folks lost count and all we know is she was here for both World Wars. Shit. As a straight woman, I’m not supposed to have my jaws on the ground every time I see your picture. That’s supposed to be reserved for Idris Elba (and his bow tie).
Speaking of, I saw the picture you and Idrissa (my husband. Did he mention me? He musta forgot.) took together and I’m pretty sure the camera broke right after.
It gave up the ghost because never in its life would it witness much sexy again. Not even when it takes a picture of you and Jared Leto. By the way, do y’all go together? If you do, don’t tell me. I’ll get jealous. But whatever. Moving on.
So Lupita. Let’s talk about your skin regimen. It looks like you swan dive in a pool of unicorn tears that the Pope anoints every morning. Gahtdamb! That skin you’re in is so deficient of flaw that I’m pretty sure you’re allergic to blemishes. Blemishes see your skin and say “Nah. We can’t go there.” I need you to teach me your ways, madame! Because I just wanna write you a poem where I refer to your skin as “mahogany silky smooth and chocolate perfection.” It’ll include comparisons to the light of the moon and the ancestral beauty that shines through. It’ll be real Love Jones appropriate and super corny. I’ll even wear a black turtleneck as I recite it to you.
I have PLANS!
As a fellow chocolate lady, your skin is officially my role model. I wanna be like it when I grow up.
Now, about your style. LUPITA, QUIT BEING SO FIERCE ALLATAHM! Seriously. I haven’t seen you in ONE #ALPHET that was a thumbs down. Nope. Your stylist gotchu giving old Hollywood glam, new school gorgeousness and classic realness at the same tahm and I am here for all of it! Especially this awards season. You’ve been winning (even when the awards didn’t go to you).
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! ALL THE YESES THAT EVER YESSED IN YESLAND!
Every one of those looks is EVERYTHING. And those bright colors against that dark skin is totally right. Whoooo! Come on yellows, reds, whites and aqua. COME ON! I may or may not be asking my seamstress to recreate some of these looks for me. TWINSIES!
I’d be remiss if I didn’t pay #AMISH to that coiffure of yours, which is somehow super short but still super versatile. I never knew one could do so much with a TWA (teeny weeny afro). Yours is straightened, parted, shrunken and colored for different looks and each one works! When I had my short hair, my two styles were twist-out or “washed my hair and got too lazy so I slept on it and just walked out my house looking like STAHP it!” Meanwhile, you’re outchea giving us the fiercest gumby one day, Frederick Douglas’ part the next and widows’ peak adorabo after that. Kudos to Ted Gibson for whipping your hair #BAGGINFOAF.
Girl, WERK. I love it.
I’ll be watching the Academy Awards red carpet this year just to see you come through and make everyone else look like the help. The face stays snatched and the style remains impeccable.
Then you have the nerve to be super charming, humble (but still OWNING your gifts and talent) AND funny. Your Jimmy Kimmel appearance had me cheesing like a fool. You are everything and everything is you. You’re my newest favorite and I can’t e’em wait to see how far you go in your career.
So yeah. You’re awesome!
Yours in adoration,
P.S. Ok fine, you and Jared WOULD make a cute couple. I’ll even call y’all JARITA. I heard about LUPETO but that makes me think of Jepeto and Pinocchio. No lie.
Soooo who else wants to write a love letter to Lupita? I know I’m not the only one who fangirls over her pics.
OH and stans of Lupita. What do we call ourselves? Are we the Lupitites? The top three that people suggested are:
My fave in these is the Lupitians. We can just call ourselves any of the three. Because WHO GON CHECK US?!?
Edit: OMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! GODDESS LUPITA READ THIS LETTER AND TWEETED ME!!! I AM LAID OUT!
I don die.