The Aphrodisiac Onesie: Throwback Thursday
It’s a new year but I want to look back at old times. Mainly because their fashions were so laughable. Although I’m pretty sure that 20 years in the future, the favor will be returned as our kids roast us for our ALPHETS.
Years ago, I stumbled upon this gem on a website called Rad Dudes, and I had to post it here again. Because it’s awesome.
So basically CHALLONJ, fellas! This dude is rocking a bellbottom onesie and knowing that he is slaying everyone in a 5 mile radius. AND he wants to pull your woman while rocking it. He must think he’s Prince or something!
All that fierce that is oozing from the pic must be contagious. He is having a staring contest with the camera and clearly OWNING that pole. Y’all can’t tell him NOTHING! He is just thinking “Yes, I know you see me. I’m sexy aint I? You don’t even have to say it. You SEE me.” The way he’s standing with his hips to the left is key. The hips don’t lie. This is one confident dude.
But the picture and the ridiculousness of this onesie aren’t even my fave part. The caption is what makes this picture EVERYTHING.
“Because one is enough. when its you. Show where you’re headed in the ultimate fashion climax. Fits so tight it shows all you’ve got… you’re a walking turn-on. And treats your body as well as she does. Easy on. easy off. quick as a flick of her tongue. sexy cool crinkle cloth for those hot nights to come. Designed with your desires in mind… she’ll eat you alive in it. The Big Zip is 50% polyester / 50% cotton. Long-sleeved in rust, blue, or black. Short-sleeved in natural, blue or camel. Are you man enough to fill it?”
That sounds like the caption I would have written for this thing. Except they were actually SERIOUS! I’m kinda upset they beat me to the punch, though. This denim jumpsuit is apparently fabric viagra therefore you must get your life AND your groove on!
Let’s do point by point of the foolishness.
“Ultimate Fashion Climax” – When you see this overgrown man in his denim onesie, you may just need to change your undies because you came TWICE. And it comes with a tape that plays “BOM CHICKA WAH WAH” over and over again. Everywhere you go, people will want to jump your bones because you will be a “Walking turn-on.” THAT is how awesome this outfit is. I need to start referring to myself as a “walking turn-on” AT LEAST 5 times a week. Just because. And if you don’t agree, you’re just a hater. (-__-)
“Sexy Cool Crinkle Cloth” – Why am I thinking about taffeta at this description? Next time someone asks me what I’m rocking, I’mo tell them some “sexy COOL crinkle fabric” and then make music with the fabric. Shonuff.
“Long-sleeved in rust” – You mean to tell me there’s a shiny version of this? I imagine whoever puts that on would look like a human penny. This visual is fantastic! And by fantastic, I mean, scary and hilarious. I’d pay to see it. GOOD money too. And the fact that it comes in short-sleeve means they’re covering all their basis. You can maintain your segzy in the summer too. BOOM!
“Easy on, easy off.” – Because wearing pants AND a shirt is just too much work. Why not just put on this one-piece to cut your undressing time in half? You will NEED to be naked faster because the fact that you look like a denim straw will just make you too irresistible. GET. NEKKID. NOW! *swoons*
“Are you man enough to fill it?” – THIS is the key question here. Why hasn’t Will Ferrell played a character that rocks this kinda onesie before? Wait… he has. Ricky Bobby!!! I bet this guy wakes up and pisses excellence.
Speaking of pissing… imagine this dude in the bathroom about to pee. He has to pull down his mile long zip to free his peen. Those musta been some awkward moments for the other guys standing by the urinals.
There’s so much more foolishness in this whole thing, including all them pockets on the jumpsuit. This onesie transforms you into a human purse. I bet he got a moustache comb in one of them pockets.
I love the 70s because folks were tackier than Mama Tina Knowles in a glue gun & sequins factory. I’da loved to be alive during that time. I’d roast my own self to pieces.
So fellas, when are you buying your own segzy crinkle onesie? And ladies, feel free to let me know how many panny drawls you threw at the computer screen when you saw homeboy.