I watched too much TV last night. Like seriously. 7 hours straight. And I live-tweeted most of it and my fingers hurt. So I present to you, one (not that giant) recap of the TV I watched on Sunday.
Golden Globe Awards
I wanted to watch it because Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were hosting (and they should host everything in the history of the universe moving forward), to see Kerry Washington’s baby bump, and to bow down to the flawlessness of Lupita Nyong’o.
Lupita won the show before it even started by showing up looking like perfection and the epitome of the inability to flaw. Look at this:
EVERYTHING! The dress, the makeup, the haircut. ALL OF IT IS EVERYTHING that is right! Whoooo! Lupita stepped on that carpet and made everyone else look half put together. LOVE IT! LOVE HER!
And then my girl/cousin/sister (in my head) Kerry Washington came on and I melted off my chair from her adoraboness.
GGAAAHHHH!!! Look at the baby bump! AAAWWWWWWWWWW. She is GLOWING! I didn’t love the color of the dress but it’s Kerry so she still looks amazing.
Everyone else bored me and Guiliana Rancic on the red carpet had me wondering how she’s been a correspondent for 13 WHOLE years but still can’t get interviewing right. Chile…
Anywho, Paula Patton was dressed like Dora the Explorer’s socks, they still won’t do Gabby Sidibe right with these #Alphets, and Drew Barrymore looked like an edible arrangement.
When the show started, Amy and Tina got on stage and had folks CACKLING with the jokes. Folks basically agree that the best jokes was “Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” HAAAAA! You can watch it here:
Their opener ended far too soon! Can they just leave them two onstage for 3 hours and everyone go pick up their awards backstage? I’m saying.
I really shoulda just changed the channel after that but I stayed for the whole first hour. Jacqueline Bisset won an award and gave a long speech in spite of the music playing, which is the universal awards sign for “Time’s up!” Jackie had to dambs to give though. She basically pitched a tent on that stage and she was not to be moved until she was good and damb ready. Old people ARE NOT here for your time limitations. She also said “SHIT!” See again: old people with no dambs to give.
The highlight of the hour I saw was seeing Bryan Cranston win “Best Actor in a Drama” and then right after, Breaking Bad itself won! This led to an awesome moment of the evening when Aaron Paul yelled “YEAH BITCH!” into the mic.
Win. So much win.
Kerry didn’t win in her category (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!) and I abandoned the show to go watch Blood, Sweat and Heels on Bravo.
Blood, Sweat and Heels
So 2 days ago, I finally watched the first episode of the show starring Melyssa Ford (former video model, now real estate agent), Daisy Lewellyn (style and beauty expert), Geneva S. Thomas (branding consultant and pop culture expert), Demetria Lucas (aka A Belle in Brooklyn – journalist and life coach), Mica Hughes (former model and entrepreneur) and Brie Bythewood (real estate developer).
BTW, I know Demetria and that’s the homie so I’m prolly gon be here for her during this show. Everyone else? We shall see.
After episode 1, my main question was why didn’t anyone tell Daisy that the Barbie pink lipstick ain’t her color? We’re not e’em gon talk about that hairhat either. She’s already the one not to be liked and I don’t know what producer she pissed off but she is outchea TOO bogus.
In this latest episode, Daisy goes on a date with Demetria’s fiance’s cousin (Jason). He ends up reading her for being “selfish and self-serving” and she cries sad tears in the bathroom while he is unable to find a solitary damb to give bout it. WELP.
Meanwhile, some of the ladies are still butthurt about Demetria writing a blogpost about their brunch conversation (should women snoop in their boo’s phones and emails? Can women be leaders and rule the world?). Mind you, she didn’t even name them and their convo was FILMED. Why they were so mad is beyond me. They were acting like they were a part of the Babysitter’s Club and Demetria blogged bout their secret ritual. GIRL BYE!
All the ladies go to Mica’s house for dinner and Mini Gayle King (Daisy) brings up the post. Geneva is at the other end of the table seething like whoa because apparently, folks don’t know her life and the post was one-sided. As BLOG POSTS TEND TO BE! Girl you better right you a response post. Geneva talmbout she heard from a “reliable source” that Belle in BK has snooped before. But she ain’t got n’an receipt to show to prove it. The argument is getting nowhere so Demetria picks up her dereon duffle and exits. Afterwards, Ms. Thomas says they shouldn’t invite her nowhere anymore. Chile, you won’t have much of a show then. OOP.
Oh and I cannot forget to point out that Terry, Mica’s boyfriend, seems to also be her maid.
I need him to use Google Maps to geolocate his balls and retrieve them from wherever Mica got em hidden because I’m embarrassed for him. Doesn’t he have friends? Why is he her butler? And she hollers for him like Mister did Celie. Ugh.
I’m hoping this blog issue doesn’t drag into episode 3. Lawd.
I’ll be tuning in next week, doe. I need to see how far this will be dragged.
Real Housewives of Atlanta
Cynthia’s family members do the most. Really and truly. Her sister showed up on last week’s episode talmbout she’s there to stay with her for two months. WHO DOES THAT? That is not the type of surprise most people want. When Peter expresses his dislike of the situation, Mal wants to make him out to be the bad guy. Ma’am, go find you some etiquette classes and common sense! Perpetually stepping over the line of what’s ok and what’s not. Uncle Ben is a good one because I mighta sent her yansh to HotelTonight to find some lodging for the night. Cyn should be checking her family better.
We gained some insight into who Kenya is when we meet her daddy, who’s visiting her from Texas. The moment he enters her car, he points out her jacked up ashy feet that are growing corns. In her house, he says he hates hardwood floors and then wonders if she’s really bout the ATL life. Well, damb! Dealing with that type of negative energy gotta be exhausting. Her ornery daddy had me wanting to hug her.
On the other side of town, Phaedra and Kandi visit Porsha, who is living in Nene’s neighborhood. They basically call her to the carpet (she ain’t got) about her finances and whether she really needs an 8,000 square foot house. That fool is “renting to buy” as motivation and Ms. Parks tells her that’s dumb as hell. WELP. She better listen to the two people on that show who have wealth and stability. Ugh.
Meanwhile, Kandi wants to do a musical and Kenya tells Nene that she heard she’d like to have her in it. Being the shadeful tree she is, Nene says “I just left Ryan Murphy’s production. So you’re telling me that I should be doing Kandi Burrus production?” DAMB, LENETHIA! You ain’t have to say all’at! She’s so uppity nowadays. Lawd.
Anywho, Cynthia hosts a faux trunk party with her sister, who is selling custom made beaded bracelets (because what the world needs now is more of those). Porsha tells the girls not to mention her new house to Nene because she wants to tell her herself. What do they do the minute Lenethia walks in? They tell her. She responds by telling Porsha she’s a bad friend, and the newly-renamed Miss Williams runs to the back like she was just told that “he is NOT the father” on Maury’s show.
The ladies talk about it, come to an understanding and hug it out.
And the show ends as Kenya almost gets hit while she’s twirling in traffic on the way to her car. Goofy.
So there it is. anyone else feel like they watched too much TV last night? Which of these shows did you see? Feel free to share some thoughts on em!