We Do Not Touch the First Ladies: Scandal Episode 312 Recap
Shouting Match – Members of the Secret Service are standing in a hallway as Olivia and Fitz yell at each other, acting like they don’t have an inside voice. President Ghost is mad because Liv got a man (a fake one, but one nonetheless) and he’s salty that it’s Jake. “You just said you don’t trust Jake.” “I DON’T TRUST HIM WITH YOU!” Ummm… married sir. You ain’t got the right! She says she ain’t get a boo because of him.
She did it because of HER and the public scarlet letter on her chest. Iunno what’s wrong with bofa’em, screaming like they ain’t got no sense or behavior. When they huff and puff out the room, Jake is standing by the door. He heard EVERYHING. Girl… O_O
Don’t Touch – Mellie and Governor Andrew Nichols are alone in a conference room and he’s looking at her like he wants to sop her up with a cheddar bay biscuit. Owww! In a flashback to fourteen years before, Andrew is standing outside of a room hearing the convo between Fitz and Mellie. Gov. Grant is upset because his wife won’t let him touch her ever. In fact, she recoils when he even tries. GAHTDAMB, BIG JERRY! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
Adnan’s Scheme – Harrison is buttoning up his gingham after a romp with Adnan when he gets a briefcase full of money to run an errand for her. He’s not pleased but he also doesn’t say “no.” Now that they go together seckchually again, he’s about to be her errand boy? When he’s hesitant, she says “Does she think the only thing you’re guilty of is insider trading?” AW SHIT!
Sweating Bullets – James sees Vanessa Chandler, the journalist that Publius has been snitching to, talking to Cyrus and he starts sweating like he stole something. He better learn how to keep his cool. You wanna swim with sharks, you better goon up! He goes to see Cyrus in his office and his boo tells him that he is hellbent on finding out who Publius really is. Uh oh. James has to excuse himself, though because he gets tea from another journalist that Gov. Nichols used to pop pills. AW NAW.
Command’s Commands – Jake is in his office when two Men-in-Black looking dudes drop off a folder for him containing HIS JOB. He gets information on his security clearance and all the info on all the top flight secretives operations (of the world) that B613 is involved with. They also tell him that there’s an agent who works in the White House who will be making himself known soon. WHEW! I was overwhelmed by all that tea that I wanted to take a nap on Jake’s behalf. I don’t think he realized what he was getting into as Command. Basically: EVERYTHING.
Hollis Returns – Leo and Sally are in her office and Hollis drops by. They’ve promised him Secretary of Energy if they win so he’s all friendly with them. VP Sally is distracted though, as images of her dead husband on that very floor flash in her mind. She is so unable to deal with the fact that she killed him. I guess she does have a soul afterall.
Probably Pills – Olivia, Mellie, Cyrus and Nichols are in the Oval Office meeting about the allegations that the VP candidate used to pop pills like tic tacs and he says it’s not an allegation. They wanna replace him on the ticket but Mellie defends him and wonders if something can be done to fix the information from leaking.
Get Daddy – Olivia calls Jake from State Farm and asks if he can keep track of what her pops is doing because she thinks he’s behind the pills leak. Jake shrugs her off, saying he doesn’t have time for that. Daddy Goon said he was gon WRECK SHOP and he meant it. Jake isn’t taking it seriously but umm… he might want to.
Truth About Pills – We flashback and Nichols finds Mellie unconscious and on the floor next to an empty bottle of pills. He carries her into a bathroom and sticks his finger down her throat so she throws up. OMG MELLIE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF! wall slides. hug Mellie she’s been through so damb murch! Now I want her an Andrew to go together because he saved her! DAAWWW!
On the Job – Cyrus tells James that he is hellbent on taking care of this Deep Throat who keeps fanning the fire on the Daniel Douglas death. Charlie is in the car watching a scene when he receives a call from Cy. He’s convinced to leave that job and go do whatever he was just asked to do. And Quinn is in another car watching Charlie watch Olivia and Rowan’s Sunday dinner. OH LAWD!
Sunday Dinner Dummy – Liv and Rowan are having a tense dinner and Pops ain’t here for her shenanigans. She’s of course trying to figure out what he’s up to and she ends up storming off. As she leaves, she spots Quinn and her binoculars, being the worst spy ever. Olivia gets in the car with her and asks her to “come home.” NAWL! Don’t let her back. She ain’t bout that life. Baby Huck says ain’t no home anymore since Huck licked her face and left her one tooth-less. She then tells her old boss to get out her car or she’ll shoot her. Oh betch you tried it!
Boyfriend Blowup – Olivia is home when Jake rolls in talmbout how he used his “official Olivia Pope boyfriend key.” LMAO! Shade from State Farm. Liv accuses him of having Quinn spy on her as a member of B613 and he denies it. The girl ain’t e’em B099. She just STAYS putting herself in other folks business. Ballard ain’t here for the convo though so he takes off his shirt and heads to the bedroom. She asks him where he’s going and he says as her “boyfriend” he will come over at night and take a shower. He also said he wants a fully-stocked fridge. I guess wine ain’t a whole meal. (-_-) But umm… sir. Boyfriend doesn’t mean come over everyday. DANG. Can a goon breathe?!? Clingy McSpidermonkey.
Publius Plans – David and James meet under a bridge in broad daylight to discuss how they’ll keep Publius’ identity from being found out. Because what you do when you wanna be discreet is meet during the day out in the open with the Capitol in sight. These two rookies…
Don’t Have Time – Mellie walks in the Oval Office to talk to President Ghost about not kicking Andrew Nichols off the ticket. Aawww. She doesn’t want Bae gone and she calls him to the carpet for being so whipped.
He responds by disrespecting the hell outta her and telling her to stay away from Olivia. And then he utterly dismisses her by saying he doesn’t have time and I just wanna yell STOP TALMTO MELLIE LIKE THIS, FITZ! YOU STAHP IT RIGHT NOW! He is just so mean!
Flashback to the morning after “the incident” and Andrew sees Mellie and stops her. He asks her why she was trying to kill herself and she’s very direct with her answer. “Because my father in law forced himself on me and I’m not sure if my son is his and that makes me wanna die.” WOW. Mellie needs an old woman’s bosom to lay on b/c these burdens she’s carrying. They are heavier than Hollis’ wealth! WHOOOO!
Confrontation from Pot – Olivia realizes that Nichols was covering for Mellie and she confronts her about it. She also insinuates that the FLOTUS might have been fraternizing with the VP candidate and I wanted Liv to check herself because SHE ain’t got no right. Pot, don’t you dare imply that she’s a cheater. Mrs. Grant tells her “When I was faced with a chance to cheat, I kept my knees together and I said no. WE. ARE. NOT. THE. SAME.”
Fundraising Fail Friday – President Ghost and Mellie’s Bae are having a formal fundraising event and Hollis is in the house because his pockets are deeper than Cyrus’ schemes. James finds out that Cyrus is setting up Publius because he got Charlie to bug Vanessa’s phone so they see what she sees. He panics and calls David to say abort their mission of meeting the journalist to give her more tea but it goes to voicemail and leaves a message.
We see David approach a car in front of a restaurant that Vanessa is sitting in and when he opens the trunk, someone comes behind him and covers his head with a sack and throws him in the trunk. This is why I call him Lemony Snicket. His entire life is a series of unfortunate events. When you are playing with Cyrus Beene, you gotta be OVER careful. David and James are some goon rookies, man.
In the trunk, David makes a call to Abby saying he was afraid to say it that morning but “I love you.” AAWWW the trunk opens and she says “You better!” She and Huck had kidnapped him to save him from himself, Beene and Charlie. YESSS!
Dirty Money – Earlier, we had seen Harrison make a phonecall saying he wanted to donate money. Now we find out why. At the fundraiser, Cyrus is approached by a woman who turns out to be Adnan! HOW DO THEY KNOW EACH OTHER?!? Lawdddd. She introduces herself and thanks him for helping her get into the country and she says she’s given money to the campaign, because their desperation is clear. “I may be dirty but my money isn’t.” Chile… this can’t end well.
Quinn’s Worth – Jake brings in Quinn to talk to her and tell her to chill on thinking she’s some sort of army. He says she is not B613 material and she tells him to check his email. In it, he finds a picture of Rowan Pope meeting up with Leo. She hacked into the cameras at the Lincoln Memorial and captured the two men, exposing a vulnerability in the security that no one in B613 had known about. HOW YOU LIKE HER NOW?!? She walks out all self-satisfied but she better remember who made her! Baby Huck is tryna get her wings.
Coffee and Truth – Huck keeps offering Olivia a cup of coffee and on the 3rd cup (she didn’t drink any of it), he tells her that he’s bringing them to say sorry because that’s what people do when they’re sorry. Aaawwwww. Liv tells him that he went too far in his torture of Quinn and he says “You ruined her life and you made me save her. And you made me take her under my wing. Monsters eat people.” WHOOOOOO!
Paintings and Bae – After the fundraiser, Mellie passes by a bedroom where Nichols is staring at a painting of Eleanor Roosevelt. She walks in, looking all GOODT in her coral dress and the two start talking. She’s pleased that Olivia made the pills-gate go away and he feels an edge in how she says it and you can tell he knows Fitz is bout that cheating life.
I started wishing that these two would just get it in. Because let’s admit it, Mellie needs a good lay. It’s like they heard me so they started making out and I was all YESSSSSS, MELLIE! GET YOUR GROOVE BACK AS THEM PORTRAITS WATCH!!!
But she must have felt a wash of guilt because she separates from Andrew and runs out. Aaawwwww! I wanted her to get some.Maybe next time. Related: I’m the worst.
Love Questions – Once again, President Ghost questions Olivia about her relationship with Jake (and it’s not his damb business). He asks if she has real feelings for him and she pauses as the camera takes us to Command.
Double Agent – SSA Tom enters the Command’s office and drops a folder and drive on Jake’s desk. He tells him that every night, he’ll be dropping off intel he’s gathered from the White House. As he leaves, Jake asks “You’re B613?” YUPPPP!!! He pops in the USB drive and it’s footage of Liv and Fitz in the Oval Office. Her answer to his question of whether she has feelings for Jake was “I don’t know.” I was hoping it woulda been “YES” because I want her to stop being hung up on Ghostie Grant.
Elsewhere, Adnan walks into her house and a voice says “is it done?” and she says “Yes,” MAMA POPE!!! Faints
So wayment. This WHOLE TAHM, SSA Tom has been feeding Daddy Pope w/ West Wing intel too? Like Liv and Fitz’s makeout sessions? Tom is the person closest to the president. He’s w/ him almost 24/7. He knows ALLLLLL his business. He’s also B613. Aw shit. Soooo SSA Tom’s allegiance lies with B613 FIRST and THEN the President. Which means he could ultimately kill Fitz on command from Command. Fitz has no idea that his #1 man technically ain’t even answering to HIM. SHIIIITTTT. This just threw some mess in the pot. Ultimately, it goes back to what we’ve all figured out. Fitz has the LEAST power on this show.
Now… about Mama Pope and Adnan Salif being connected. I feel like this is gonna bring us back to the Brolivia Pope theory. Adnan’s connection to Harrison is gonna flip the Gladiator table because he might have been inadvertently feeding Maya info this whole time. Also, who is she trying to bring down? It ain’t just her ex-husband? Is Mama Pope just trying to come for EVERYONE? Very possible.
So many questions. The last 30 seconds of next week’s #Scandal is gonna ruin us all. Shonda just gave us a formal warning. Ohmyword.