Dear Winter, You’ve Overstayed Your Welcome
I’m cold. You’re cold. We’re all cold. The word “cold” is freezing. But it’s Spring and this is ri-damb-diculous. Where is security??? Winter needs to be escorted out since it doesn’t want to leave on its own free will. This is why I am here with this sternly-worded letter. I am advocating for warmth.
I am tired. I have no more fight left in me. My spirit is weak and my UGG boots are spoiled. I DON TIRE O! All I have to give you is my dignity but I think you took that in January when I had to put on 3 pairs of pants, 4 pairs of socks, 2 sweaters, 2 hats, 3 gloves and one giant NorthFace coat to be remotely warm. I have nothing left, Winter and like TLC said, I ain’t too proud to beg. Please go.
I live in Chicago, home of some of the Thuggiest Winter Dwellers. Year after year, our city shows out because apparently, we slept with your first love without telling you. You make it a point to punish us for it. We’ve accepted this. But THIS YEAR, I think we also spoiled the TV show you were binge-watching on NetFlix for you. You have shown us NO MERCY!
When I went to Las Vegas in January for a conference (and my birthday), I ended up stuck there for 2 extra days because the wind chill fell to -52 degrees. I am pretty sure that’s cruel and unusual treatment. In fact, I was outdone by January 31, and we were only a month in. Winter, you had already acted a fool but we didn’t know how much you’d continue.
We’ve had literally the coldest winter ever (No Sister Souljah). Well, 3rd coldest winter ever but definitely the coldest in any of our lifetimes. According to math and science and history, this winter has had the most days where we hit below 0 (23) and the most snow since the 1880s (82 inches) in Chicago. So for us to say we’ve never experienced cold like this is no exaggeration. It’s fact. We don suffer.
This type of behavior hasn’t just been in Chicago either. EVERYWHERE has been terrible. You really showed your yansh all around the country. Folks didn’t get much of a break on the East Coast either. My Texas fam even had some burrrrrrr days.
Now, we’re one month into Spring and you STILL refuse to pack your things and leave the dorm. Your lease is up but you’re still chilling when Spring keeps banging on the door. YOU GOTTA GO WINTER! YOU HAVE TO GO!
It is April 16 and it’s snowing. The ground is white. Just 3 days ago, it was 80 degrees. It’s not fair. All I wanna do is be able to pack away my wool coat. *cries*
WE ARE TIRED! WE GIVE UP! WE RAISE THE WHITE FLAG!
Winter, I don’t know who in the hell pissed you off but whoever they are needs their ass collectively whooped by all of us. They did a bad thing.
It has been a long and treacherous journey these past 4 months. Many children will be born between the months of September and December because you left folks no choice but to stay in the house and use each other for warmth. But we’re ready to come out and play now.
Soooo can you go now? Thank you for considering my plea. See you in 8 months. Or take your time. You could use the extra month of vacation (since you’ve overstayed for this month).
Yours in frigidity,
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