Dear Winter, You’ve Overstayed Your Welcome. Please Go.

I’m cold. You’re cold. We’re all cold. The word “cold” is freezing. But it’s Spring and this is ri-damb-diculous. Where is security??? Winter needs to be escorted out since it doesn’t want to leave on its own free will. This is why I am here with this sternly-worded letter. I am advocating for warmth.

Dear Winter,

I am tired. I have no more fight left in me. My spirit is weak and my UGG boots are spoiled. I DON TIRE O! All I have to give you is my dignity but I think you took that in January when I had to put on 3 pairs of pants, 4 pairs of socks, 2 sweaters, 2 hats, 3 gloves and one giant NorthFace coat to be remotely warm. I have nothing left, Winter and like TLC said, I ain’t too proud to beg. Please go.

Go Away gif

I live in Chicago, home of some of the Thuggiest Winter Dwellers. Year after year, our city shows out because apparently, we slept with your first love without telling you. You make it a point to punish us for it. We’ve accepted this. But THIS YEAR, I think we also spoiled the TV show you were binge-watching on NetFlix for you. You have shown us NO MERCY!

When I went to Las Vegas in January for a conference (and my birthday), I ended up stuck there for 2 extra days because the wind chill fell to -52 degrees. I am pretty sure that’s cruel and unusual treatment. In fact, I was outdone by January 31, and we were only a month in. Winter, you had already acted a fool but we didn’t know how much you’d continue.

We’ve had literally the coldest winter ever (No Sister Souljah). Well, 3rd coldest winter ever but definitely the coldest in any of our lifetimes. According to math and science and history, this winter has had the most days where we hit below 0 (23) and the most snow since the 1880s (82 inches) in Chicago. So for us to say we’ve never experienced cold like this is no exaggeration. It’s fact. We don suffer.

tears at night gif

Because: winter. Because: freezing.

This type of behavior hasn’t just been in Chicago either. EVERYWHERE has been terrible. You really showed your yansh all around the country. Folks didn’t get much of a break on the East Coast either. My Texas fam even had some burrrrrrr days.

Now, we’re one month into Spring and you STILL refuse to pack your things and leave the dorm. Your lease is up but you’re still chilling when Spring keeps banging on the door. YOU GOTTA GO WINTER! YOU HAVE TO GO!

It is April 16 and it’s snowing. The ground is white. Just 3 days ago, it was 80 degrees. It’s not fair. All I wanna do is be able to pack away my wool coat. *cries*

WE ARE TIRED! WE GIVE UP! WE RAISE THE WHITE FLAG!

Winter, I don’t know who in the hell pissed you off but whoever they are needs their ass collectively whooped by all of us. They did a bad thing.

Prayer against snow

It has been a long and treacherous journey these past 4 months. Many children will be born between the months of September and December because you left folks no choice but to stay in the house and use each other for warmth. But we’re ready to come out and play now.

Soooo can you go now? Thank you for considering my plea. See you in 8 months. Or take your time. You could use the extra month of vacation (since you’ve overstayed for this month).

Yours in frigidity,

LuvBug

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  • Ashley April 16, 2014, 7:10 am

    I live in Miami. We’re good 😉

    • DL April 16, 2014, 7:28 am

      Not cool yo. Holla at us when you’re in hurricane season. #byewinter

      • RavenJ April 16, 2014, 1:19 pm

        Dang…that was way harsh! I was about to say something about being in Houston, but you don’t play nice. LOL!!!!

    • Jabari April 16, 2014, 11:52 am

      I hope a jellyfish stings you

    • ifyouevercomeback April 16, 2014, 7:00 pm

      I live in the Bahamas so I’m right there with you. Not even sure what winter is. Summer needs to stop trying to come early though.

  • mz.niecy April 16, 2014, 7:39 am

    I’m In Alabama and we sitting her like “um, winter, I need for you to ack your Dereon bags and exit Stage whichever way!! just get the hell on!!!”

  • Lanene April 16, 2014, 7:40 am

    Dear Mother Nature:

  • Jay April 16, 2014, 7:42 am

    Native Floridian here..sorry y’all suffering.*Sits back on beach towel on white sandy beach sipping a Bahama Momma*

    • max April 16, 2014, 8:16 am

      That’s just mean, Jay. Just mean!

    • Jabari April 16, 2014, 11:26 am

      Jay, I wish a plague of greasy jheri curls and cheap gold teef caps on your houses…. *til u do right by me, everything you touch gon fail! *

    • Me Talk Pretty April 16, 2014, 3:35 pm

      You keep talking. I’m gonna come down there and Stand My Ground. Damn you!!!
      **shakes angry fist in Jay’s direction**
      **gets shot by passing angry white man**

      • Shannon April 16, 2014, 5:21 pm

        I want an apology for this good tea I just spit onto my screen!

        • Me Talk Pretty April 17, 2014, 10:27 am

          Oops. Sorry about that.

          **hangs head in shame**

          LOL!!

    • ifyouevercomeback April 16, 2014, 7:02 pm

      Bahama Mamma honey! This Bahamian doesn’t understand their pain either. I wish it was cooler in fact.

  • Viccritter April 16, 2014, 7:42 am

    Man I am jealous! We didn’t get ANY kind of good weather in Seattle 🙁 Think I need to move back to MI.

    • Terri April 16, 2014, 8:13 am

      Michigander here…
      Yesterday my car was covered in snow and my driveway was a sheet of ice. YESTERDAY! April 15! Smh. One day this winter temp with wind chill was -19°
      #byewinter

      • kishaann April 16, 2014, 8:35 am

        Actually our lowest wind temp in MI was -47. I remember that terrible day all too well smh.

    • kishaann April 16, 2014, 8:37 am

      U really aren’t missing much. It was beyond frigid this winter in Michigan! We had so many school closings that the kids might not get a summer break lol

  • Thea Woods April 16, 2014, 7:43 am

    *In my Aphricanape06’s Nigerian Mother’s Voice*
    “Close your eyes and let’s pray
    Every automatic snowflake
    Every computerized windchill
    Every elongated condensation
    Every strategic demonic precipitation in your life,
    Begin to fall down and DIE, FALL DOWN AND DIE
    In Jesus’ Name!

    Amen. The Winter has failed successfully. dadjhsjaeusyewhajshd.

    It is finished. #Selah”

    *quickens in the Spirit

    • pup April 16, 2014, 7:57 am

      Gurrl…..you know what…..

      You done did the dang thing with that prayer!

      And the Ursher Board shouts “The witches and wizards of weather have failed successfully!!”

    • LegalEase April 16, 2014, 8:01 am

      Touch and agree.

      I approve this message.

    • Moni April 16, 2014, 10:45 am

      YASSSSSS to this prayer though!!! LOL

    • Briana April 16, 2014, 10:49 am

      Jesus is Lord! Amen

    • Sara April 16, 2014, 11:16 am

      I also prayed for warmer weather when I woke up this morning. I asked God to make it warm but not too hot…actually anything is better than what we have now.

    • Sara April 16, 2014, 11:18 am

      When two or more agree…

    • Bukky April 16, 2014, 11:25 am

      In Jesus name! Amen!!

      WI dweller here and we’re tired Old Man Winter just tired, and we’re pretty used to snow. But did somebody leave the front door open when your AC was on last summer? I’ll put in on your electricity bill if that will help.

      Why do you hate us so?

    • Nana April 16, 2014, 2:01 pm

      *passes collection plate and does a Bro. Franklin dance*

  • JenniferG April 16, 2014, 8:17 am

    After the gigantic hail and the snow, I keep looking to the sky for locusts or frogs or some other plague. I long for the days when we complain about the 19th-level-of-hell heat that comes in August…

    But no matter what, I WILL NOT WEAR MY PUFFY COAT UNTIL OCTOBER.

    • QueenSista April 16, 2014, 4:03 pm

      19th Level of Hell Heat tho? *Wall slide, chair slide and floor slide* with uncontrollable laughter

    • ifyouevercomeback April 16, 2014, 7:04 pm

      19th level of hell heat, sounds like how it is here. also *cackles*

  • max April 16, 2014, 8:17 am

    I’m pretty sure the only people who can handle winter better than Chicagoans are Canadians and even we are like…yeah it’s enough now. There’s only so much skiing and ice skating we can do. We want to put away our Canada Gooses now!

  • James April 16, 2014, 8:31 am

    THIS. LETTER…

    HIYASHATATATA. UNTIEMYBOWTIERETIEMYBOWTIE.

    I am slayed in da spurrit by this…

  • LadyLarke April 16, 2014, 8:36 am

    I think we pissed God off somehow.
    When I saw the sleet and snow come down in the DC area yesterday all I could think was, “I am so over life.”
    I JUST came back from a Caribbean cruise. To this. Not fair.
    I put on my NorthFace yesterday to walk the dog and it said, “So soon? Nawl, girl. I’m tired.”

  • Milaxx April 16, 2014, 8:40 am

    I had to turn the heat on this morning and I’m mad. I need a break between paying heating bills and paying air conditioning bills.

  • Michele April 16, 2014, 8:53 am

    Had a big pile of clothes to take to the dry cleaners this morning, including my winter coat and wool scarf. Damned if I didn’t have to pull them off the pile to wear. And don’t get me started about spending 10 minutes digging through my Rubbermaid storage boxes to find my gloves because, silly me, I thought I didn’t need them anymore and put them away.

    Jack Frost betta not let me catch him on the street, that’s all I’m saying.

  • Nikki April 16, 2014, 9:27 am

    Not a “Lucky” gif, though!!

    In the darkness this morning, I thought the snow was an optical illusion. I was sincerely confused!! Beantown feels the struggle, too!

  • Kari April 16, 2014, 10:36 am

    Well put!
    Can we wear open toes ONCE this year? Can we get dressed for fun and not for survival? Can we drink alfresco, open our windows, show off our pedicures? Can WE take a long walk around the park after dark and discuss Psalms in entirah-tee? Can WE live though, Winter. I gotta get up for work like totally super early tomorrow. Party’s over. Can you leave already?

  • TheMochaPeach April 16, 2014, 10:46 am

    It don’t make a bit of damn sense! I am in HOTlanta. Right now we are “UnusuallyColdAtlanta”….I had to use a SCARF yest…wind was knocking down trees on top of houses and crap! Seriously..two old ladies got stuck in a house w/ a toppled over tree and it hit a power line and caused a FIRE!! smh APRIL..I should be in my Easter millinery finest and patent leather shoes AND THIN pastel linen short sets…not some fleece and long johns!

    • A Lady Named B April 16, 2014, 1:11 pm

      I just moved back to my home in atlanta from st. louis and after those two snow storms I was out right pissed that I haddent escaped the fridgid cold!
      But after seeing how St. Louis got snow for almost 2 months straight followed by cold rain for another month and a tornado or two tossed in for the hell of it, I no longer complain about today’s high not reaching over 60!

  • Pepper April 16, 2014, 10:52 am

    I live in Detroit and I totally agree!

  • ametia April 16, 2014, 10:55 am

    I’m soooo with you, Luvvie. Here in the Minn-e-apple, and my neighbor’s kids are skiing down the mile high deep snow in our cul-de-sac.

    We’ve put out an APB for Winter, captured if for a brief moment, but it has escaped and reigned terror on us once more.

  • Audrey April 16, 2014, 11:08 am

    I personally blame everybody and their Mamas who were singing “Let it Go” from “Frozen” all day, everyday, all winter…. Mother Nature was like, “Oh… the cold doesn’t bother you, anyway? Aiight, cool!”

    • LadyLarke April 16, 2014, 11:23 am

      Ha!

    • Shannon April 16, 2014, 5:20 pm

      My God, you’re right!

  • MzQuinn April 16, 2014, 11:10 am

    Southern Alabama girl here, and yes winter needs to go! We had an ice storm in February that was 10 types of wrong and 11 types of inconsiderate. People are sick all over the place cuz we went from 70+ on Sunday to 30 something last night. Be gone, Winter! Ain’t nobody got time for you!

    • Tonia April 16, 2014, 8:52 pm

      MzQuinn,
      I’m in Charleston and I teach. We had 4 snowdays due to ice which has NEVER happened in my 20 yrs teaching. Then, like you said, kids hacking up lungs cuz the weather went from 0 to 60. Two days ago I’m wearing sandals, today its long sleeves and jackets. I’ve been over winter since December!

  • Carlicia Alexander April 16, 2014, 11:21 am

    I’m in Texas and Monday it was in the 40’s and 50’s…I’m done with you Winter…you no live here!!!

    • Jabari April 16, 2014, 11:46 am

      BYE CARLICIA!!!!!!

  • Jabari April 16, 2014, 11:44 am

    I just have one question: which one of you heauxs stole Motha Nature’s side-boo?! Y’all damn well she need to have Tyrone (with the curved peen) on speed dial cause Papa Time just can’t hit it right! But NNNNNNOOOOOO! You heauxs had to be slick and use ya God-given yanshes for evil!

    Chile, look, I have lived in Chicago all 24 years of my life. In them years, there have been cold winters, there have been brutal winters, and there have been “BITCH, FAREALZ!” winters. But this here winter, I have had to reevaluate some relationships cause hunny, you had to be a special kind of mafugga for me to leave the warmth and comfort of my home and venture out into the bullshit….

    • QueenSista April 16, 2014, 4:10 pm

      Look, my grandfather bless his heart said he has never witnessed a winter this cold. This winter is complete madness.

  • Cassandra April 16, 2014, 11:49 am

    Ok ok ok. I will officially stop complaining about our lack of a winter (90° in January). This South California native just don’t know how y’all deal… my blood would freeze inside my veins if I dared venture to your hoods. Fortunately, it’s gonna only be around 80° today. Awww well. Guess I’ll head out to continue the never-ending hustle required to pay my $2000/mo rent on this 2 bedroom box of a tiny apartment…

    • Ronicaone April 16, 2014, 3:52 pm

      I forgive you. You do get to rock and roll. Then there the mud slides when it sprinkles. Love to visit but the fires send me back here to the right coast and to the light Now about this current problem, what we gon do? It was a full moon and an eclipse. Mama Nature just acting the fool. Hope that prayer works cause I am too done.

  • Eyrica April 16, 2014, 12:12 pm

    I live in Mass and it’s just as bad.

  • Lennette April 16, 2014, 3:14 pm

    Winter needs to be throat-punched and kicked through the goal-posts of Nature! I’m from Massachusetts and living in Texas! My mind can’t get over how Texas has been feeling and looking like a winter day in Massachusetts! Winter weather, PLEASE stop and sit down somewhere!

  • RozB April 16, 2014, 4:57 pm

    Winter just turned around and said “And ANOTHER thing…” I just want to tell Winter to go on and take its drunk, swerving ass home already!

    • Tina April 16, 2014, 6:55 pm

      THIS!

    • Tonia April 16, 2014, 8:55 pm

      Bwaaahaaaa!!!! I can see winter with her hand on her kimbo right now!

  • Neysa April 16, 2014, 6:24 pm

    This probably isn’t the time or place to mention that I live in the city that is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the sunniest city in the world. It’s 93 degrees and sunny outside right now, and the low tonight is forecasted to be in the low 60s. Winter here consisted of a few days where it was in the very low 70s and windy all day.
    I do understand never-ending winter, though. That’s why I moved away from my hometown in Indiana. I couldn’t take it anymore!

  • Marie April 16, 2014, 7:44 pm

    You are so funny! thank you for making me laugh with this letter to winter. My feels too with this cold

  • rikyrah April 16, 2014, 9:40 pm

    I live in Chicago and I am DONE. I haven’t been this weather weary in years. I remember the winter of 1979-the winter that cost the Mayor his job. But this winter? I was done by Christmas. When I had to break out my ESKIMO Coat Tuesday, I just stood and looked at myself in the mirror, and I wanted to cry. I don’t even want to remember how to spell winter. On top of this, I got the latest Gas Bill, and just wanted to scream.

  • Yolanda April 17, 2014, 7:01 am

    Mother Nature, who hurt you? I need for you to take your wrath away from us. we”re sorry.
    P.s. I need for winter to go to the stadium of its choosing and have all the damn seats!!!!

  • LeeLee April 17, 2014, 11:16 am

    I’ve lived in Chicago my entire 36 years and I’ve never experienced anything like this winter. It’s down right disrespectful.

  • Petranilla April 17, 2014, 4:22 pm

    Well…*picks nails*… swigs beer.. it’s hot in Trinidad.

  • Calvin April 17, 2014, 6:28 pm

    I thought last summer was too hot? Make up your mind!

  • Mimi April 18, 2014, 7:28 pm

    In regards to this past winter’s foolishness, I have only a few things to say:

    What happen?
    Why it happen?
    Can it happen again?

  • Mrchameleon May 2, 2014, 4:43 pm

    Anyone who complains about the heat this summer should have their asses kicked in!

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