Letter

Dear Winter, You’ve Overstayed Your Welcome. Please Go.

I’m cold. You’re cold. We’re all cold. The word “cold” is freezing. But it’s Spring and this is ri-damb-diculous. Where is security??? Winter needs to be escorted out since it doesn’t want to leave on its own free will. This is why I am here with this sternly-worded letter. I am advocating for warmth.

Dear Winter,

I am tired. I have no more fight left in me. My spirit is weak and my UGG boots are spoiled. I DON TIRE O! All I have to give you is my dignity but I think you took that in January when I had to put on 3 pairs of pants, 4 pairs of socks, 2 sweaters, 2 hats, 3 gloves and one giant NorthFace coat to be remotely warm. I have nothing left, Winter and like TLC said, I ain’t too proud to beg. Please go.

Go Away gif

I live in Chicago, home of some of the Thuggiest Winter Dwellers. Year after year, our city shows out because apparently, we slept with your first love without telling you. You make it a point to punish us for it. We’ve accepted this. But THIS YEAR, I think we also spoiled the TV show you were binge-watching on NetFlix for you. You have shown us NO MERCY!

When I went to Las Vegas in January for a conference (and my birthday), I ended up stuck there for 2 extra days because the wind chill fell to -52 degrees. I am pretty sure that’s cruel and unusual treatment. In fact, I was outdone by January 31, and we were only a month in. Winter, you had already acted a fool but we didn’t know how much you’d continue.

We’ve had literally the coldest winter ever (No Sister Souljah). Well, 3rd coldest winter ever but definitely the coldest in any of our lifetimes. According to math and science and history, this winter has had the most days where we hit below 0 (23) and the most snow since the 1880s (82 inches) in Chicago. So for us to say we’ve never experienced cold like this is no exaggeration. It’s fact. We don suffer.

tears at night gif

Because: winter. Because: freezing.

This type of behavior hasn’t just been in Chicago either. EVERYWHERE has been terrible. You really showed your yansh all around the country. Folks didn’t get much of a break on the East Coast either. My Texas fam even had some burrrrrrr days.

Now, we’re one month into Spring and you STILL refuse to pack your things and leave the dorm. Your lease is up but you’re still chilling when Spring keeps banging on the door. YOU GOTTA GO WINTER! YOU HAVE TO GO!

It is April 16 and it’s snowing. The ground is white. Just 3 days ago, it was 80 degrees. It’s not fair. All I wanna do is be able to pack away my wool coat. *cries*

WE ARE TIRED! WE GIVE UP! WE RAISE THE WHITE FLAG!

Winter, I don’t know who in the hell pissed you off but whoever they are needs their ass collectively whooped by all of us. They did a bad thing.

Prayer against snow

It has been a long and treacherous journey these past 4 months. Many children will be born between the months of September and December because you left folks no choice but to stay in the house and use each other for warmth. But we’re ready to come out and play now.

Soooo can you go now? Thank you for considering my plea. See you in 8 months. Or take your time. You could use the extra month of vacation (since you’ve overstayed for this month).

Yours in frigidity,

LuvBug

If you liked this post, please SHARE it with one click on Twitter:

Previous post

Mimi Faust Lost But the Shower Rod Won

Next post

Something's On Jermaine Jackson's Scalp and It's a Mystery

66 Comments

  1. Ashley
    April 16, 2014 at 7:10 am

    I live in Miami. We’re good 😉

    • DL
      April 16, 2014 at 7:28 am

      Not cool yo. Holla at us when you’re in hurricane season. #byewinter

      • RavenJ
        April 16, 2014 at 1:19 pm

        Dang…that was way harsh! I was about to say something about being in Houston, but you don’t play nice. LOL!!!!

    • Jabari
      April 16, 2014 at 11:52 am

      I hope a jellyfish stings you

    • ifyouevercomeback
      April 16, 2014 at 7:00 pm

      I live in the Bahamas so I’m right there with you. Not even sure what winter is. Summer needs to stop trying to come early though.

  2. mz.niecy
    April 16, 2014 at 7:39 am

    I’m In Alabama and we sitting her like “um, winter, I need for you to ack your Dereon bags and exit Stage whichever way!! just get the hell on!!!”

  3. Lanene
    April 16, 2014 at 7:40 am

    Dear Mother Nature:

  4. Jay
    April 16, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Native Floridian here..sorry y’all suffering.*Sits back on beach towel on white sandy beach sipping a Bahama Momma*

    • April 16, 2014 at 8:16 am

      That’s just mean, Jay. Just mean!

    • Jabari
      April 16, 2014 at 11:26 am

      Jay, I wish a plague of greasy jheri curls and cheap gold teef caps on your houses…. *til u do right by me, everything you touch gon fail! *

    • Me Talk Pretty
      April 16, 2014 at 3:35 pm

      You keep talking. I’m gonna come down there and Stand My Ground. Damn you!!!
      **shakes angry fist in Jay’s direction**
      **gets shot by passing angry white man**

      • April 16, 2014 at 5:21 pm

        I want an apology for this good tea I just spit onto my screen!

        • Me Talk Pretty
          April 17, 2014 at 10:27 am

          Oops. Sorry about that.

          **hangs head in shame**

          LOL!!

    • ifyouevercomeback
      April 16, 2014 at 7:02 pm

      Bahama Mamma honey! This Bahamian doesn’t understand their pain either. I wish it was cooler in fact.

  5. Viccritter
    April 16, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Man I am jealous! We didn’t get ANY kind of good weather in Seattle 🙁 Think I need to move back to MI.

    • April 16, 2014 at 8:13 am

      Michigander here…
      Yesterday my car was covered in snow and my driveway was a sheet of ice. YESTERDAY! April 15! Smh. One day this winter temp with wind chill was -19°
      #byewinter

      • kishaann
        April 16, 2014 at 8:35 am

        Actually our lowest wind temp in MI was -47. I remember that terrible day all too well smh.

    • kishaann
      April 16, 2014 at 8:37 am

      U really aren’t missing much. It was beyond frigid this winter in Michigan! We had so many school closings that the kids might not get a summer break lol

  6. April 16, 2014 at 7:43 am

    *In my Aphricanape06’s Nigerian Mother’s Voice*
    “Close your eyes and let’s pray
    Every automatic snowflake
    Every computerized windchill
    Every elongated condensation
    Every strategic demonic precipitation in your life,
    Begin to fall down and DIE, FALL DOWN AND DIE
    In Jesus’ Name!

    Amen. The Winter has failed successfully. dadjhsjaeusyewhajshd.

    It is finished. #Selah”

    *quickens in the Spirit

    • pup
      April 16, 2014 at 7:57 am

      Gurrl…..you know what…..

      You done did the dang thing with that prayer!

      And the Ursher Board shouts “The witches and wizards of weather have failed successfully!!”

    • LegalEase
      April 16, 2014 at 8:01 am

      Touch and agree.

      I approve this message.

    • Moni
      April 16, 2014 at 10:45 am

      YASSSSSS to this prayer though!!! LOL

    • April 16, 2014 at 10:49 am

      Jesus is Lord! Amen

    • Sara
      April 16, 2014 at 11:16 am

      I also prayed for warmer weather when I woke up this morning. I asked God to make it warm but not too hot…actually anything is better than what we have now.

    • Sara
      April 16, 2014 at 11:18 am

      When two or more agree…

    • Bukky
      April 16, 2014 at 11:25 am

      In Jesus name! Amen!!

      WI dweller here and we’re tired Old Man Winter just tired, and we’re pretty used to snow. But did somebody leave the front door open when your AC was on last summer? I’ll put in on your electricity bill if that will help.

      Why do you hate us so?

    • Nana
      April 16, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      *passes collection plate and does a Bro. Franklin dance*

  7. JenniferG
    April 16, 2014 at 8:17 am

    After the gigantic hail and the snow, I keep looking to the sky for locusts or frogs or some other plague. I long for the days when we complain about the 19th-level-of-hell heat that comes in August…

    But no matter what, I WILL NOT WEAR MY PUFFY COAT UNTIL OCTOBER.

    • QueenSista
      April 16, 2014 at 4:03 pm

      19th Level of Hell Heat tho? *Wall slide, chair slide and floor slide* with uncontrollable laughter

    • ifyouevercomeback
      April 16, 2014 at 7:04 pm

      19th level of hell heat, sounds like how it is here. also *cackles*

  8. April 16, 2014 at 8:17 am

    I’m pretty sure the only people who can handle winter better than Chicagoans are Canadians and even we are like…yeah it’s enough now. There’s only so much skiing and ice skating we can do. We want to put away our Canada Gooses now!

  9. James
    April 16, 2014 at 8:31 am

    THIS. LETTER…

    HIYASHATATATA. UNTIEMYBOWTIERETIEMYBOWTIE.

    I am slayed in da spurrit by this…

  10. LadyLarke
    April 16, 2014 at 8:36 am

    I think we pissed God off somehow.
    When I saw the sleet and snow come down in the DC area yesterday all I could think was, “I am so over life.”
    I JUST came back from a Caribbean cruise. To this. Not fair.
    I put on my NorthFace yesterday to walk the dog and it said, “So soon? Nawl, girl. I’m tired.”

  11. Milaxx
    April 16, 2014 at 8:40 am

    I had to turn the heat on this morning and I’m mad. I need a break between paying heating bills and paying air conditioning bills.

  12. Michele
    April 16, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Had a big pile of clothes to take to the dry cleaners this morning, including my winter coat and wool scarf. Damned if I didn’t have to pull them off the pile to wear. And don’t get me started about spending 10 minutes digging through my Rubbermaid storage boxes to find my gloves because, silly me, I thought I didn’t need them anymore and put them away.

    Jack Frost betta not let me catch him on the street, that’s all I’m saying.

  13. Nikki
    April 16, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Not a “Lucky” gif, though!!

    In the darkness this morning, I thought the snow was an optical illusion. I was sincerely confused!! Beantown feels the struggle, too!

  14. April 16, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Well put!
    Can we wear open toes ONCE this year? Can we get dressed for fun and not for survival? Can we drink alfresco, open our windows, show off our pedicures? Can WE take a long walk around the park after dark and discuss Psalms in entirah-tee? Can WE live though, Winter. I gotta get up for work like totally super early tomorrow. Party’s over. Can you leave already?

  15. April 16, 2014 at 10:46 am

    It don’t make a bit of damn sense! I am in HOTlanta. Right now we are “UnusuallyColdAtlanta”….I had to use a SCARF yest…wind was knocking down trees on top of houses and crap! Seriously..two old ladies got stuck in a house w/ a toppled over tree and it hit a power line and caused a FIRE!! smh APRIL..I should be in my Easter millinery finest and patent leather shoes AND THIN pastel linen short sets…not some fleece and long johns!

    • A Lady Named B
      April 16, 2014 at 1:11 pm

      I just moved back to my home in atlanta from st. louis and after those two snow storms I was out right pissed that I haddent escaped the fridgid cold!
      But after seeing how St. Louis got snow for almost 2 months straight followed by cold rain for another month and a tornado or two tossed in for the hell of it, I no longer complain about today’s high not reaching over 60!

  16. Pepper
    April 16, 2014 at 10:52 am

    I live in Detroit and I totally agree!

  17. April 16, 2014 at 10:55 am

    I’m soooo with you, Luvvie. Here in the Minn-e-apple, and my neighbor’s kids are skiing down the mile high deep snow in our cul-de-sac.

    We’ve put out an APB for Winter, captured if for a brief moment, but it has escaped and reigned terror on us once more.

  18. April 16, 2014 at 11:08 am

    I personally blame everybody and their Mamas who were singing “Let it Go” from “Frozen” all day, everyday, all winter…. Mother Nature was like, “Oh… the cold doesn’t bother you, anyway? Aiight, cool!”

    • LadyLarke
      April 16, 2014 at 11:23 am

      Ha!

    • April 16, 2014 at 5:20 pm

      My God, you’re right!

  19. MzQuinn
    April 16, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Southern Alabama girl here, and yes winter needs to go! We had an ice storm in February that was 10 types of wrong and 11 types of inconsiderate. People are sick all over the place cuz we went from 70+ on Sunday to 30 something last night. Be gone, Winter! Ain’t nobody got time for you!

    • Tonia
      April 16, 2014 at 8:52 pm

      MzQuinn,
      I’m in Charleston and I teach. We had 4 snowdays due to ice which has NEVER happened in my 20 yrs teaching. Then, like you said, kids hacking up lungs cuz the weather went from 0 to 60. Two days ago I’m wearing sandals, today its long sleeves and jackets. I’ve been over winter since December!

  20. Carlicia Alexander
    April 16, 2014 at 11:21 am

    I’m in Texas and Monday it was in the 40’s and 50’s…I’m done with you Winter…you no live here!!!

    • Jabari
      April 16, 2014 at 11:46 am

      BYE CARLICIA!!!!!!

  21. Jabari
    April 16, 2014 at 11:44 am

    I just have one question: which one of you heauxs stole Motha Nature’s side-boo?! Y’all damn well she need to have Tyrone (with the curved peen) on speed dial cause Papa Time just can’t hit it right! But NNNNNNOOOOOO! You heauxs had to be slick and use ya God-given yanshes for evil!

    Chile, look, I have lived in Chicago all 24 years of my life. In them years, there have been cold winters, there have been brutal winters, and there have been “BITCH, FAREALZ!” winters. But this here winter, I have had to reevaluate some relationships cause hunny, you had to be a special kind of mafugga for me to leave the warmth and comfort of my home and venture out into the bullshit….

    • QueenSista
      April 16, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      Look, my grandfather bless his heart said he has never witnessed a winter this cold. This winter is complete madness.

  22. Cassandra
    April 16, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Ok ok ok. I will officially stop complaining about our lack of a winter (90° in January). This South California native just don’t know how y’all deal… my blood would freeze inside my veins if I dared venture to your hoods. Fortunately, it’s gonna only be around 80° today. Awww well. Guess I’ll head out to continue the never-ending hustle required to pay my $2000/mo rent on this 2 bedroom box of a tiny apartment…

    • Ronicaone
      April 16, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      I forgive you. You do get to rock and roll. Then there the mud slides when it sprinkles. Love to visit but the fires send me back here to the right coast and to the light Now about this current problem, what we gon do? It was a full moon and an eclipse. Mama Nature just acting the fool. Hope that prayer works cause I am too done.

  23. Eyrica
    April 16, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    I live in Mass and it’s just as bad.

  24. Lennette
    April 16, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Winter needs to be throat-punched and kicked through the goal-posts of Nature! I’m from Massachusetts and living in Texas! My mind can’t get over how Texas has been feeling and looking like a winter day in Massachusetts! Winter weather, PLEASE stop and sit down somewhere!

  25. April 16, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    Winter just turned around and said “And ANOTHER thing…” I just want to tell Winter to go on and take its drunk, swerving ass home already!

    • Tina
      April 16, 2014 at 6:55 pm

      THIS!

    • Tonia
      April 16, 2014 at 8:55 pm

      Bwaaahaaaa!!!! I can see winter with her hand on her kimbo right now!

  26. Neysa
    April 16, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    This probably isn’t the time or place to mention that I live in the city that is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the sunniest city in the world. It’s 93 degrees and sunny outside right now, and the low tonight is forecasted to be in the low 60s. Winter here consisted of a few days where it was in the very low 70s and windy all day.
    I do understand never-ending winter, though. That’s why I moved away from my hometown in Indiana. I couldn’t take it anymore!

  27. Marie
    April 16, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    You are so funny! thank you for making me laugh with this letter to winter. My feels too with this cold

  28. rikyrah
    April 16, 2014 at 9:40 pm

    I live in Chicago and I am DONE. I haven’t been this weather weary in years. I remember the winter of 1979-the winter that cost the Mayor his job. But this winter? I was done by Christmas. When I had to break out my ESKIMO Coat Tuesday, I just stood and looked at myself in the mirror, and I wanted to cry. I don’t even want to remember how to spell winter. On top of this, I got the latest Gas Bill, and just wanted to scream.

  29. Yolanda
    April 17, 2014 at 7:01 am

    Mother Nature, who hurt you? I need for you to take your wrath away from us. we”re sorry.
    P.s. I need for winter to go to the stadium of its choosing and have all the damn seats!!!!

  30. LeeLee
    April 17, 2014 at 11:16 am

    I’ve lived in Chicago my entire 36 years and I’ve never experienced anything like this winter. It’s down right disrespectful.

  31. Petranilla
    April 17, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Well…*picks nails*… swigs beer.. it’s hot in Trinidad.

  32. Calvin
    April 17, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    I thought last summer was too hot? Make up your mind!

  33. Mimi
    April 18, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    In regards to this past winter’s foolishness, I have only a few things to say:

    What happen?
    Why it happen?
    Can it happen again?

  34. Mrchameleon
    May 2, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    Anyone who complains about the heat this summer should have their asses kicked in!