TV

Velvet’s Fune and the Sound of Petty: RHOA Season 6 Finale Recap

I’ve missed the last 5 episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta so that’s why there haven’t been recaps here. But last night, I caught the season 6 finale episode. It was like I had missed nothing. Really, there were only 3 scenes worth noting.

rhoa-season-6

Velvet Gone – Kenya’s puppy, Velvet, went on to the pet Heaven in the sky and she’s distraught. So Bravo treated us to 3 minutes of the funeral she had with Aunty Sisqo and Cynthia in attendance. Miss Moore broke down and sobbed her colored contacts red. Sorry for your #LOST, girl. I know that pet was important her.

But not to be shady (which guarantees that what I’m about to say will be THE shadiest), but they coulda spent that time on something else. Bravo coulda spent 3 minutes explaining why Cynthia was in the confessionals rocking every eye shadow from the MAC counter. Ma’am, WHY ARE YOUR EYES SO COLORFUL AND GLITTERY?? I bet she needed 15 makeup wipes to be halfway done. Eyelids were prolly rubbed dry!

Cynthia Eyeshadow

Ain’t no makeup like ATL makeup. I tell you.

They coulda spent those 3 minutes explaining Aunty Sisqo’s hair regimen to us. Does she bleach, rinse and then condition? How is she not bald with that platinum? And how often does she have to refresh?

Andy an’ ’em coulda spent those 3 minutes finding the building with no window or address that Apollo works in. Is his business card on clear cardstock too? (-__-) OR those 3 minutes coulda been dedicated to counting the linen short sets that are in Gregg Leakes’ closet.

May Velvet rest in peace.

Segzy Spanx – Cynthia is tryna get some spark back into her ‘lationship with Peter so something told her it was a good idea to get advice from her sister Mallory. Because you know who you go to for help on how to get your groove back? The woman who hid your marriage license on the day of your wedding day because she hates your husband so much. TEAM BAD DECISIONS! Please come collect your President and CEO, Cynthia Bailey.

Ennehweighs, when Mallory leaves after helping her spread rose petals on the floor like a bootleg Coming to America scene, Cynthia sits down on a chair with her legs all spread apart. It looks just as sexy as it sounds (read: not at all). Peter comes home and finds his wife in the same position as Strangé when she gave birth to that perfume and he laughs in her face. Then she tries to give him a lapdance and he points out her spanx. My #selfofsteam woulda been dropped kicked through the goalposts of life temporarily if I tried to set it out for my man and he cackled about my spanx. Ouch. I’da picked up my stuff and the rest of my dignity and left.

Im out gif

When Cynthia walks towards the stairs and he sees the wagon she’s dragging, he remembers. She shoulda just saved herself some time and stood around in boyshorts.

The Sound of Petty – Kandi and Todd are producing a musical loosely based on their lives as a couple with one Monster-in-Law. It’s opening night and Kandi is nervous about how it’ll go. I’d be nervous too if I cast Porsha as a main ensemble member (and to sing).

When the doors open and folks start filling the theater, Kandi is excited that her “hero” Tyler Perry is in attendance. It wouldn’t be a legit chitlin circuit play for bougie Black folks if he wasn’t present. I was lowkey hoping Madea would make a cameo. Finally, Mama Joyce shows up. Uh oh. When the musical starts, it’s clear that this is all a giant READ of stuff that her daughter couldn’t say to her face. Some of us get mad at our mamas and we subtweet. Kandi gets mad at her mama and she creates a musical. There are levels to this pettiness.

“The hills are alive with the sound of petty. With songs they can’t sing to their mama’s ffaaacceeee…”

That’s my remix. I like Ms Burruss but that was some passive aggressiveness. Meanwhile, Joyce spends the entire time looking like she wants to jump on stage and snatch everyone’s (terrible) wigs off.

Nene Give You The Hand gif

In good news, Porsha didn’t sound like a dying cat when she sang. YAYYY HER! The musical got a standing ovation, no one fell and folks seemed to really enjoy it. GO KANDI! Afterwards, Mama Joyce came backstage with someone who appeared to be her boo, and she was surprisingly a good sport about the musical. Her boo looked like Judge Joe Brown and Michael Eric Dyson. He’s #EveryLightSkinnedDude with that template face. When we see Kandi’s daddy Titus, we can tell that she has a type. He got template face too.

Kandi was talmbout she should take this show on the road. I beg to differ. This is a strictly ATL affair. No shade.

Next week is the reunion and apparently, Porsha dragged Kenya by her luxurious hair. I don’t know about you but I’m surprised it took this long for someone to put paws on Miss Moore. *cough* Not that I condone violence or anything. *cough*

Did y’all watch this episode? Whatchu think of the musical?

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34 Comments

  1. Justlikehoney1
    April 14, 2014 at 7:19 am

    Still lmao @ fune

    My observations:

    1. Shirley Murdock is ginormous

    2. Mama Joyce’s wig annoys me just as much as her stank attitude and her forever clenched dolphin teeth

    3. Todd’s mama’s face is scrong

    4. Greg feels like more of a man servant than a hubby. Like an older Farnsworth Bentley

    5. Nene’s tall umbrella ass has so much shade to throw around but she has none for her hair stylist. How is this possible? Or allowed?

    6. Speaking of shade, Bravo’s updates for each cast member was full of epic shade and I am here for it!

    Looking forward to the reunion. Because no one has snatched a knot in Kenya’s ass before then, she thought she could do and say whatever with consequences and repercussions. Oh bitch….you -literally- tried it. FAIL. #whoopthattrick

    • Shevy
      April 14, 2014 at 7:30 am

      ROFL! Dolphin teeth tho?

      • TramonaS
        April 14, 2014 at 12:54 pm

        I snorted so damn hard I startled my cat! Ha!!

    • Carlicia Alexander
      April 14, 2014 at 7:34 am

      Yes their updates were the BEST part…especially Phaedra’s!!!

    • Mai
      April 14, 2014 at 9:26 am

      Dead with a scrong face…#ican’t

    • Sheena
      April 14, 2014 at 11:09 am

      You gave me alllll of my lifeeeeeee!!!!! You touched on everything I wanted to!!!!! I can’t with Nene and that hair. It’s just soooooo horrible lol.

    • Shakira
      April 14, 2014 at 1:29 pm

      Lawd, this was just what I need before going to work!

    • Randomly Jazzy
      April 14, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      I’m done…she said dolphin teeth! lmao

    • Betty
      April 14, 2014 at 4:41 pm

      lol…dolphin got teeth? lolol

    • April 15, 2014 at 7:49 am

      Dolphin teeth! YES! That’s EXACTLY what it looks like! I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

      I think I scared the lady sitting next to me on the train when I laughed. I hope she recovers.

  2. Carlicia Alexander
    April 14, 2014 at 7:25 am

    That musical was real petty of Kandi…but Kandi is the queen of petty! Did you catch the end though when they were catching up on the ladies and what they said about Phaedra & Apollo?!?

  3. Zanele
    April 14, 2014 at 7:25 am

    Poor Cynthia, Peter just keeps letting her down. He seems to forget that she kinda upgraded him (kinda, not fully tho).

  4. Nunu Hurt-Doyle
    April 14, 2014 at 7:31 am

    That dog isn’t dead. Kenya is a faker. Period. Anything for attention. Antything.

  5. Shevy
    April 14, 2014 at 7:33 am

    I didn’t even know Mama Joyce had time for a man considering how much she gives to Kandi’s relationship.

    • Feminita
      April 14, 2014 at 9:12 am

      Joyce had to find a man to carry around her big bag of side-eye and ecliptic-dark shade which she loves to sprinkle with a heavy hand whenever Todd and Kandi’s weavy girlfriend… I guess the name Wicked had been already taken as a play name…

  6. Milaxx
    April 14, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Kandi truly needs therapy because that’s a long way to go to send a message to your mama. She got a website where you can the the DVD of the play and a cd of the song for $20.

    Have you seen her wedding pictures? I love Kandi but she has no taste AT ALL. She spent 20k on a custom made dress that looks like a Say Yes to the Dress reject with and entire 8×12 area rug attached mermaid style. Then she got a homecoming queen crown on. It’s all so MUCH!.

    Nene was on WWHL with Andy and I cackled. Nene may be out of control, but Andy is one of the ones encouraging her out of pocket behavior.

    • JaiMega
      April 14, 2014 at 8:42 am

      Yall can say what u want about Andy but he pimpin dem ho’z… this season of RHOA was the most watched yet (as well as the longest) and isnt he the executive producer? I cant wait to see next weeks reunion..

    • 3d2002
      April 14, 2014 at 11:19 am

      I certainly agree with you about Nene’s out of control and Andy is egging her on but I enjoyed WWHL last night, Nene was in full blow gear, throwing shade to everyone but that’s how she got her platform by being this way and people seems to love it. I like her.

      OMG@ dolphin teeth…..DOA!!

      I was very uncomfortable watching the play because although Kandi said it was loosely based on her momma, I couldn’t tell, that was one big arse read!

      Momma Joyce’s friend did look like Judge Joe Brown.

      Kandi’s dad is a nice looking man.

      I can’t do Cynthia or Kenya, I do feel bad for her losing her pet, if that was the case.

      Phaedra and Apollo’s sons are so adorable.

      I like Marlo and wish they would bring her on full time.

      • Milaxx
        April 14, 2014 at 6:04 pm

        I enjoyed it to. When she went in on Cynthia iCackled.

    • Kwan
      April 14, 2014 at 11:54 am

      Yes her dress looked so tacky then she had the NERVE to add a crown. Her camp told her not to use Reco drag queen designs Chapelle but she didn’t listen.

      • Milaxx
        April 14, 2014 at 6:04 pm

        She paid Reco 20K for that hot mess? Lord, let me find something to bedazzle and sell Kandi. I could use the cash.

  7. JanuaryBaby
    April 14, 2014 at 9:30 am

    I loved that during the play….they kept swinging the camera back to Mama Joyce’s face. I give her credit doe…..she stood strong!
    Kandi can read her Mama in a whole play but can’t tell her to her face? What Black peoples you know do that? SMH

    Oh! And the word on the street is that Velvet Ain’t Dead YAWL!!!!!
    Poor Velvet! Ain’t nothing safe around Kenya when it comes to her getting her 3 minutes in!

    And why was Cynthia at the funetral with the damn dog???? To the dog’s credit…..the dog wasn’t having it! And Peter! He laughed at her when she thought that she was in her sexiest moment!

    Finally…..I could not stomach Nene Leakes on WWHL….it came on and I immediately threw up in my mouth! Somebody needs to snatch Nene’s wretched azz! JS

    • Kwan
      April 14, 2014 at 11:57 am

      Kenya is crazy but c’mon now and the only evidence folks have is Brandon posting a picture of Velvet with his dog. Like that can’t be an old picture -_-. Not to mention I think MTO started that rumor.

  8. jaz
    April 14, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Can we PLEASE get a blog post about Kandi’s wedding?

  9. mz.niecy
    April 14, 2014 at 11:16 am

    Apollo–going to Jail
    Kenya Doggie ain’t dead she at the boarders (if you can get the neighbor who’s dog grabbed velvet to confirm I may believe you but No easter bunny, you not real)

    Kandi finally at least got a half set of balls maybe the other will grow in soon.

  10. Kwan
    April 14, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Bravo was so shady for those updates lmao! Nene still doesn’t know the true meaning of a “friend.” She also still doesn’t know how to say bridesmaids #bridemaid lmao. I think Nene was talking about Phaedra not Cynthia when she was tsating who should be fired. She was saying someone who isn’t open about her family and life, and who tries to put on this facade about a life they don’t live. Phaedra loves to throw this ghetto fabulous parties and NEVER really discusses her business.

    It looked like Porsha was trying to snatch that megaphone and the man was trying to pull Posha off of Kenya that was the dragging. In the end Porsha got her licks, Kenya got a lump but Porsha got fired…welp.

    • Kwan
      April 14, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      *stating

    • April 14, 2014 at 7:28 pm

      Nooooo… Don’t fire Porsha…..her Porcha-isms keep me listening very carefully each episode……the last episode she said, “stars were born, but I was MADE for this!” Whomp! It’s the other way ’round, Sweetie!

  11. Ericka
    April 14, 2014 at 6:20 pm

    The season finale of RHOA wasn’t really good…watching snippet of Kandi’s relationship problems as a “musical” was the most passive aggressive act I have every seen!!! Her mother’s face sitting next her boo was priceless!!! She looked like she was wasn’t really feeling the play or felt kandi should have got Lorretta Devine or Jennifer Lewis to play momma instead of Shirley Murdock. I hope Kandinsky don’t get no Tyler Perry ideas and wanna turn that play into a movie!!!!! Overall the entire episode with Phadrea’s becoming an undertaker, Cynthia showing us that she ain’t got a sexy bone in her body to throw to Peter, Porsche’s storyline is weaker than her singing, Kenya is as fake as her eye color and the death of that dog and Nene is mess!!! Now didn’t she say Cynthia is a good friend but then said that Cynthia is a follower and basically Cynthia’s storyline is an Ambien????

  12. kamantha
    April 14, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    At almost 40 years old and you cannot tell your Mother to mine her business (in the most respectful way and mean it), you need to see a therapist. Period. Especially when you are paying all her bills…..

  13. Shae
    April 14, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    I hardly ever comment but this “Peter comes home and finds his wife in the same position as Strangé when she gave birth to that perfume”…

    I quit you! Until your next blog post…

  14. Veronica
    April 15, 2014 at 9:13 am

    I enjoyed Kandi’s musical, as much as we were able to see of it. I hope she does get the opportunity to take it on the road. She wrote about 26 songs. That is impressive! If Kandi can’t do anything else (that includes putting her foot down with her momma) she sure can make a buck! She’s running an ATL empire y’all. Encourage her to keep the good work up, DAMN! people can’t congratulate anyone these days. Porsha has a voice in her. If anyone can help her on a star’s level it’s Kandi. I was happy to see her getting on her feet and having something for herself that didn’t come from kordell. I believe Kenya’s dog did pass. You don’t cry like that if your dog is in hiding while trying to boost your ratings and guarantee yourself a job next season. I know this because I am an animal lover and my dog is my baby. I’ve had him since he was 6 months old, he is 13 now. I like marlo, she’s funny sometimes. Nene is as shady as they come. She doesn’t want friends she wants an entourage full of “yes” men. She needs to humble herself something serious. All that hateful/hurtful mess she spews around is gonna stab her in the ass something serious, im sure of it. The only thing that’s left is the reunion!!! Kenya brought that ALL ON HER SELF! she asked for it, recieved it and I do not feel bad about it. GET HER AGAIN PORSHA!

  15. Me Talk Pretty
    April 15, 2014 at 11:09 am

    I just have to put it out there that Luvvie has the funniest posters ever. Y’all always have me cracking up even when I’m reading posts about shows I don’t even watch. Y’all need to go pat yourselves on the head and twirl around 3 times for the people because you folks deserve all the kudoos. I have been laughing all morning off these comments sections. E-hugs to everyone!

  16. MW
    April 15, 2014 at 11:36 am

    I can’t believe that y’all haven’t gone in on the ALPHITS at the play (or any other chitlin circuit play). I have been to see a couple and gotten there early just to stand in the lobby with a cocktorial in hand checking out the parade of Easter Sunday’s finest fashions, unbeweavables, and drag queenesque face-beatings. Save yourself a trip to the Improv and get a 2-for-one.