Velvet’s Fune and the Sound of Petty: RHOA Season 6 Finale Recap
I’ve missed the last 5 episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta so that’s why there haven’t been recaps here. But last night, I caught the season 6 finale episode. It was like I had missed nothing. Really, there were only 3 scenes worth noting.
Velvet Gone – Kenya’s puppy, Velvet, went on to the pet Heaven in the sky and she’s distraught. So Bravo treated us to 3 minutes of the funeral she had with Aunty Sisqo and Cynthia in attendance. Miss Moore broke down and sobbed her colored contacts red. Sorry for your #LOST, girl. I know that pet was important her.
But not to be shady (which guarantees that what I’m about to say will be THE shadiest), but they coulda spent that time on something else. Bravo coulda spent 3 minutes explaining why Cynthia was in the confessionals rocking every eye shadow from the MAC counter. Ma’am, WHY ARE YOUR EYES SO COLORFUL AND GLITTERY?? I bet she needed 15 makeup wipes to be halfway done. Eyelids were prolly rubbed dry!
They coulda spent those 3 minutes explaining Aunty Sisqo’s hair regimen to us. Does she bleach, rinse and then condition? How is she not bald with that platinum? And how often does she have to refresh?
Andy an’ ’em coulda spent those 3 minutes finding the building with no window or address that Apollo works in. Is his business card on clear cardstock too? (-__-) OR those 3 minutes coulda been dedicated to counting the linen short sets that are in Gregg Leakes’ closet.
May Velvet rest in peace.
Segzy Spanx – Cynthia is tryna get some spark back into her ‘lationship with Peter so something told her it was a good idea to get advice from her sister Mallory. Because you know who you go to for help on how to get your groove back? The woman who hid your marriage license on the day of your wedding day because she hates your husband so much. TEAM BAD DECISIONS! Please come collect your President and CEO, Cynthia Bailey.
Ennehweighs, when Mallory leaves after helping her spread rose petals on the floor like a bootleg Coming to America scene, Cynthia sits down on a chair with her legs all spread apart. It looks just as sexy as it sounds (read: not at all). Peter comes home and finds his wife in the same position as Strangé when she gave birth to that perfume and he laughs in her face. Then she tries to give him a lapdance and he points out her spanx. My #selfofsteam woulda been dropped kicked through the goalposts of life temporarily if I tried to set it out for my man and he cackled about my spanx. Ouch. I’da picked up my stuff and the rest of my dignity and left.
When Cynthia walks towards the stairs and he sees the wagon she’s dragging, he remembers. She shoulda just saved herself some time and stood around in boyshorts.
The Sound of Petty – Kandi and Todd are producing a musical loosely based on their lives as a couple with one Monster-in-Law. It’s opening night and Kandi is nervous about how it’ll go. I’d be nervous too if I cast Porsha as a main ensemble member (and to sing).
When the doors open and folks start filling the theater, Kandi is excited that her “hero” Tyler Perry is in attendance. It wouldn’t be a legit chitlin circuit play for bougie Black folks if he wasn’t present. I was lowkey hoping Madea would make a cameo. Finally, Mama Joyce shows up. Uh oh. When the musical starts, it’s clear that this is all a giant READ of stuff that her daughter couldn’t say to her face. Some of us get mad at our mamas and we subtweet. Kandi gets mad at her mama and she creates a musical. There are levels to this pettiness.
“The hills are alive with the sound of petty. With songs they can’t sing to their mama’s ffaaacceeee…”
That’s my remix. I like Ms Burruss but that was some passive aggressiveness. Meanwhile, Joyce spends the entire time looking like she wants to jump on stage and snatch everyone’s (terrible) wigs off.
In good news, Porsha didn’t sound like a dying cat when she sang. YAYYY HER! The musical got a standing ovation, no one fell and folks seemed to really enjoy it. GO KANDI! Afterwards, Mama Joyce came backstage with someone who appeared to be her boo, and she was surprisingly a good sport about the musical. Her boo looked like Judge Joe Brown and Michael Eric Dyson. He’s #EveryLightSkinnedDude with that template face. When we see Kandi’s daddy Titus, we can tell that she has a type. He got template face too.
Kandi was talmbout she should take this show on the road. I beg to differ. This is a strictly ATL affair. No shade.
Next week is the reunion and apparently, Porsha dragged Kenya by her luxurious hair. I don’t know about you but I’m surprised it took this long for someone to put paws on Miss Moore. *cough* Not that I condone violence or anything. *cough*
Did y’all watch this episode? Whatchu think of the musical?