Look and listen. 1 hour. It took me ONE WHOLE HOUR to get any semblance of my bearings back after watching this episode of Game of Thrones. I seriously didn’t know what to do with myself after it ended. This show is gonna be the reason I need high blood pressure medication. Let’s just get right into the shenanigans.
Wildling West – Gilly, the girl that Sam fell into like with and saved from that weird commune where her daddy was mating with all her sisters. Well, her. The place they were staying was invaded by wildlings and everyone was slaughtered. Ygritte heard her baby cry and saw her hiding in the closet but she let her live.
Back at the Wall, the Knights have heard about the attack and Sam is all depressed because he feels guilty that he sent Gilly to that place and now she might be dead. The fellas tell him that if she survived white walkers, then there’s a chance she coulda survived the wildling raid. True story.
Peeping Tom – Greyworm is bathing at the river, where Missandei (Daenery’s right hand girl) is doing the same. He sees her bare breasts and his eyes linger a tad bit too long before he catches himself, all embarrassed. Missy (we gon call her that) tells Dany, and her boss tells her she doesn’t think Greyworm has those types of feelings because he was castrated before he became an unsullied. Sidenote: shoutout to Missandei representing for Team Natural Hair! Also, lemme find out that Dany can braid hair. Chick got so many gifts and side hustle potential!
Grey Worm rolls up to Missy and apologizes for watching her bathe, and she tells him she’s sorry that they took his pool stick and 8ball. He tells her (in his adorabo broken English) he’s not because if he wasn’t an unsullied, he wouldn’t have met Dany or her.
AW DAMMUT. When he turns to leave, she tells him she’s glad he saw her boobs and he admits that he’s glad too. CAN YALL HAVE BABIES NOW?!? There’s only like 2 brown people on this show. I totally want them to mate. But ummm yeah since Grey Worm ain’t got the equipment. I haz the sads.
Reek’s Mission – Ramsay Snow sends Reek on a mission and tells him to pretend to be the old him, Theon Grayjoy, Iron born son. But he insists he better not forget that he is Reek forever. He shows up at this beat down place and tells the man who he is and says he’s there on the behest of Lord Bolton. If those people surrender their place, they can go in peace. The head dude ain’t buying it and he spits in Reek’s trembling face. Just then, the guy gets axed in the head from behind by one of his own men who is desperate to just leave alive. Dude agrees to the terms.
We blink and the dude is dead. Ramsay of course kills them all. There wasn’t no leaving in peace! Bolton’s folks now control the place.
Baelish’s Trial – The Lords of Vale are question Baelish on the dead of Lysa, and he says she committed suicide but they don’t believe him (for good reason). They call in Sansa and she surprises Littlefinger by corroborating his story in the best way (and with tears). She says her aunt was insanely jealous and threatened to hurt her because she thought the girl and her new hubby had a thing. And when Littlefinger tried to save her, her aunt jumped through the moon door to her death. She starts to weep and one of the lords hugs her. The oldest Stark daughter gives Baelish a look like “MMHMM!!!! I got this.” She basically did the smartest thing she’s ever done on this show.
Pardonnez Spy – A little boy walks up to the Barristan and hands him a letter sealed by the hand of the King. He takes it to Jorah and asks why he is receiving a pardon signed by Robert Baratheon. Turns out that Jorah has been spying for the kingdom and giving them info on Daenerys. He tells the Barrister that he wants to speak to her alone and of course he isn’t allowed. He enters the hall where Dany is sitting with Missy next to her, Grey Worm and Barrister flanking her. “You sold my secrets to the man who killed my father.” The hurt Khaleesi tells him to gather his things and go. If he doesn’t leave by morning, she’ll have his head in the Slave quarters. He says he loved her.
WHAT’S LOVE GOTTA DO WITH IT?!?
CHILE that’s how you know how truly betrayed Dany is. She’s so hurt that her most trusted confidante has been Varys’ spy that she can’t even kill him. She tells him to leave forever instead. And you know she’s about to become more vicious.
Bolton Claim – Ramsay returns to Lord Bolton to tell him they are now in control of the last place in the North and the dude tells him to follow him to the top of the hill. Like Mufasa told Simba, he told Ramsay to look around. As far as they can see was the North, which is larger than all the other kingdoms combined. Now, Bolton was warden. Ramsay is no longer a bastard boy bearing the name Snow. He is now a Bolton, allowed to carry his father’s name. LAWD! Ramsay is about to show out some more because of this. He celebrates by telling Reek he’s overdue for a bath.
The Odd Couple – Arya and the Hound are walking towards the Vale and she tells him that he should have let her burn his neck wound. It’s clearly slowing the big man down. Watch that be what kills him. Chile… anywho, they reach the gate of the Vale and he announces that he has Arya Stark. One of the security guys extends his condolences about the death of her aunt, Lysa and the Hound realizes that he is not about to get no money for this brat he’s been traveling with. Arya begins to laugh uncontrollably. Maybe it’s because every time she gets close to being around family, she finds out they just died. Or maybe it’s from a nervous breakdown because WTF?
Lady Sansa Now – Baelish convinced the Lords of the Vale to let Robin, Lysa’s under-weaned sun to tour the kingdoms. #Ennehweighs, as he prepares to leave, Sansa comes down the stairs looking all grown, in one of Lysa’s dresses. Also, she no longer has that super-sweet and scared look in her eyes. Seems that she’s now a part of the game instead of just a pawn in it. AW SHIT! It was about time.
Beetle Bug – Jamie visits Tyrion in his cell and his bro starts talmbout their “simple” cousin Olsen who spent all his time in the garden squashing beetles. Tyrion seemed obsessed with finding out why his cousin did that, and he never found out because Olsen died from a mule kick to the chest. So anti-climactic. Tyrion’s random musing is interrupted by the bell ringing. It is time for the combat between Oberyn and the Mountain (who rides). Whoooo my chest tightened up.
The Mountain and the Viper – Oberyn is all unbothered as the combat is about to begin even though the Mount is this towering beast of a dude. He isn’t even wearing armor, just some leather vest thingy. His lady tells him “Do not leave me alone in this world.” Amed with a wooden stick that had a spear at the end, Oberyn does some calisthenics to please the crowd, because he’s young fly and flashy.
“You raped my sister. You murdered her. You killed her children.” He tells the Mount that he wants to hear him say it before he kills him and as the two battle, he repeats this mantra. Oberyn is swift and a real G, because he’s getting some hits in. He sends his spear through the Mount’s chest and the big man falls to the ground. He stands over the impaled dude and Tyrion is on the side smiling. Victory is near. Jamie is also looking pleased. And I was doing a fist pump.
Oberyn wants a confession from the Mont before he finishes him but in a rapid second, the Mount pounces on him, pins him down and proceeds to DEMOLISH OBERYN MARTEL. He punches him in the mouth and all his teeth fall out like chiclets. He pushes his eyes into his face like some elevator buttons and then crushes his head like a melon. The Mount falls over next to Oberyn’s destroyed head and Tywin Lannister declares Tyrion defeated. His punishment: death.
I. AM. SO. UNABLE TO CAN!!! I CANNOT DO THIS I CANNOT TAKE IT OMG OMG OMG OMG I. HAVE. NEVER. I. CAN. NOT. I DO NOT KNOW HOW. I DON’T HAVE WORDS. I JUST… WTFFF??!?! Yall think Scandal renders us unable. WHAT GAME OF THRONES JUST DID TO ME!!!!!!! I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!!!! I seriously. Have never. Screamed that loud. At a TV show ending. I have never. I HAVE NEVER almost seriously threw my laptop like that.
WHAT IS AIR?!?! George R.R. Martin is gonna have to put up some money for my blood pressure medication cuz how am I supposed to deal?? Game of CAN’T. Game of WTF? Game of ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I just seriously could not deal with the last minute of that show. Lemme tell you why.
1. SO. MUCH. GORE. That was one of the most gruesome things I’ve seen on TV ever. Whoooooo!!! The blood. The way his head basically caved and blood went everywhere. The lack of eyes.
b. WTF, Oberyn?? You talk too gahtdamb murch! YOU HAD HIM! He was right there on his back. All you had to do was stick the spear through his head or heart. He’d be dead and you’d be victorious. But noooooooo you had to have a damn soliloquy and some raggelly confession that wasn’t gonna do you much good. Why would you stand over this dude and gloat? People STAY counting unhatched chickens. That’s where they fail. It’s like the person who starts a race strong, looks behind them and thinks no one will catch up so they slow down. So they ended up coming in 3rd. FAIL.
iii. Oberyn losing means Tyrion losing. GAHTDAMBIT!!! YOU HAD ONE JOB, OBERYN!!! One. JOB.
4a. Who’s gonna go after the Lannisters now? The other thing Oberyn wanted to do was to avenge the death of his sister an’ ’em by killing as many Lannisters as possible. Who is going to do that now??? Maybe Arya. But still DAMBIT!
I HAVE SO MANY FEELS! This show was about to take ME out! Oh and before I go, it must be noted that I get the scene with Tyrion talmbout the beetles now. I think that was their way of foreshadowing what would happen to Oberyn. He got squashed like Olsen used to do those beetles. I see what you did there, Game of Thrones. I SEE IT!
This next episode is the penultimate of the season. Episodes 9 has NEVER brought good news in Westeros throughout the 3 seasons before this (*coughs* Red Wedding) so I guarantee that this next one will try to take my breath. I don’t even know how to prepare for it. Yall put me in your thoughts.
George RR Martin is committed to cuntpunting all our hopes and dreams through the goalposts of life. DEDICATED TO THE CAUSE! We can’t have NO nice things watching this show! *kicks trashcan*
Do you think the Mountain is dead or not?
Anywho, discuss! Those of you who’ve read the #GameofThrones books. SHUT YOUR TRAPS ABOUT SPOILERS TO COME IF YOU’RE COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! Don’t make me fight you. That is all. JUST DISCUSS THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT! Kthx!