The 2014 VMAs Reminded Me That I’m Getting Old
Fall TV is starting already and we still got 1 month of summer. The 2014 MTV Video Music Awards, which is usually in September happened last night at the Inglewood Forum.
Within 15 minutes of watching the red carpet, hosted by Sway and a slew of skinny white girls I’d never seen before, I realized I was too old for this shit. I’m super out of touch with the MTV crowd because I knew nobody. Sway was rocking his funeral parlor best (why all that black) with his special occasion newsboy hat. And I wondered how long he’s gonna remain a VJ. He’s coming for Kurt Loder and John Norris’ crown as oldest fogey at MTV.
Ennehweighs, Ariana Grande (Mimi Lite) showed up in a phony pony, leather tube dress and thigh high boots. WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE GROWN?!? I wanted someone to come get this TWEEN outta here and put her in an alphet that was age appropriate and then someone told me she was 21 and I was like WUT? Apparently, she’s older than Lorde because the world is backwards and nothing makes sense.
Taylor Swift was interviewed while rocking what looked like a snap crotch onesie. These shenanigans is why someone said she looks like a single crab leg. These types of decisions.
Iggy Azalea showed up with Rita Ora‘s hairstyle and the personality of burnt toast. And some girl group who I’ve named Danity Kane’s mentees performed and I was like “can’t nobody tell me that ain’t Dawn, Aundrea, Aubrey, Shannon and D.Woods.” Chile…
OH AND Katy Petty showed up with Riff Raff on her arm and paying homage to All Denim Everything Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. RIFF RAFF WAS HER DATE! I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Let’s just skip the rest and get into the show.
Ariana Grande opened it up with a performance where she rocked a glitter onesie that I’m sure Beyonce rejected way back in the day with matching boots. Watching her try to be sexy made me mad uncomfortabo, man
Then it went into Nicki Minaj‘s performance of ANACONDA where I really got to see that her surgeon did the gahtdamb most with carving them hips up. She let the yansh clap though.
Jessie J came on stage, Ariana joined them and Nicki had to hold on to her dress because wardrobe malfunction. Meh all around.
Jay Pharaoh, the Black dude from SNL who thinks he can do all the impressions ever came on and did a monologue that was terrible. He came on throughout the night and did awful impressions of Kanye and Jay-Z and I was good and tired of him and yelled GO HOME, ROGER!
Wednesday Addams (Lorde) was wearing a black crushed velvet jumpsuit and she came on an introduced Crab Legs Swift, who pranced around the stage in shimmery crop topped and bottoms. I didn’t wanna give her a wedgie after the performance so that means it wasn’t completely terrible.
Chelsea Handler showed up looking like her hair brush picked up all its shit and said “Fuck it. I’m out.” Just looking hella unkempt. Ugh.
Kim Kardashian (West) who was bronzed for ZEUS came on to introduce Sam Smith and his performance was my favorite of the night. Hands down. He sang “Stay with me” and he slayed effortlessly and I threw my houseshoes at the TV when he was done. YOU BETTER SANG, SAMUEL SMITH! I wish he woulda sang two songs. They coulda cut Jay Pharaoh out to make room for him. Dang. Male Adele (Madele) got on that stage and hurt my feelings through song and I GOT MY LIFE!
Common (with his segzy ass) walked onstage with his legs all far apart as if his *loses internet connection*. WUT?? Ennehweighs, he talked about what’s happening in Ferguson, affirmed that Black lives matter and asked for a moment of silence for Mike Brown. He’s so fahn when he’s bothered.
Usher performed in some white jeggings and I praised Elohim that he cut off that raggelly ass mohawk he’s been rocking for 7 years. Bless it. I remember when I used to like seeing him perform. 2007. Good times. Nicki Minaj showed up and did something.
Danity Kane’s Mentees won some award and I found out that their name is Fifth Harmony. Good to know so I can forget tomorrow. Then MTV randomly showed 2 pictures of Robin Williams and cut to commercial. I thought they were gonna do a whole “In Memoriam” slideshow. Nope. They just got their intern to Google images 2 pics and TADA! InstaTribute. O_o
Iggy Azalea and Rita Ora performed and I already think they’re the same person so that posed a challenge for me as I tried to tell who was who. I know Rita always got dark roots (like her colorist don’t never make time for her) but she had on a wig. Meanwhile, I figured out who Iggy was because she was the one who was shaped like a funhouse mirror coke bottle. Ma’am you PAID for that shape? Why would you? I just know Azalea Banks was at the bar across the street MAD AS HELL. And writing shady tweets to send later.
Miley Cyrus won Video of the Year and instead of going up to accept her award, she let a formerly homeless man named Jesse get onstage and speak about the problem of homelessness in LA. It was actually a pretty dope thing to do so salute to Miley.
And thennnnnnnn came what everyone was waiting for. Beyonce’s performance in honor of her winning the Michael Jackson Vanguard award. It was best that they put this at the very end because if it was in the beginning of the show, everyone woulda watched it and bounced.
Bey’s set started with her flanked by these really pale, scary looking human mannequins and I thought it was nice for Bey to hire Iggy Azalea and her cousins.
She performed a medley of the songs on her album. I knew many of them too even though I’ve only listened to the album once. Everyone sings like they get paid by Roc Nation so I have no other choice but to know them. Beyonce gave us all a mini version of her concert so her fans who couldn’t drop hundreds on tickets got to get their lives!
The thing is, she’s a dope performer but I was bored. The 15 minutes of the performance felt like longer to me because I lack attention span. I know, Beygency, I just performed blasphemy because I wanted your King’s set to be done after 5 minutes. BUT… I gotta say that Blue Ivy won the VMAs this year.
Seeing her on Jay-Z’s lap watching her mom perform was just so precious. She was mesmerized! And then when FLAWLESS came on, she started dancing and doing her hand like she woke up like dis. TOO. DOGGONE. CUTE!!!!
When Bey did “Blue” and they showed Blue Ivy watching herself. DAAAAWWWW Seriously. I don’t even mind that it was long because the camera kept showing Blue and my ovaries kept doing the wop.
Beyonce is a great performer because the fact that I was bored and she was still the best person of the night shows that I’m so used to her blowing my mind that I was like WHAPPENED? Anywho, when she finished, Jay-Z and Blue Ivy came on stage and an emotional (and crying Beyonce) hugged her family. Blue clapped and went “GO MOMMY!” and my ovaries laid prostrate at the altar because I just could not stand the cuteness of the Knowles-Carters.
Jay-Z introduced her as “the greatest performer alive” and I can’t even argue with it.
She’s earned the hell outta that Vanguard Award. It was beautiful to see her get all verklempt too. I loved it. Congrats, Yawnce!!!
And the show ended there and everyone proceeded to GIF all of it.
Did you watch? What were your favorite moments? What made you side-eye? Let’s discuss!