The 2014 VMAs Reminded Me That I’m Getting Old

Fall TV is starting already and we still got 1 month of summer. The 2014 MTV Video Music Awards, which is usually in September happened last night at the Inglewood Forum.


Within 15 minutes of watching the red carpet, hosted by Sway and a slew of skinny white girls I’d never seen before, I realized I was too old for this shit. I’m super out of touch with the MTV crowd because I knew nobody. Sway was rocking his funeral parlor best (why all that black) with his special occasion newsboy hat. And I wondered how long he’s gonna remain a VJ. He’s coming for Kurt Loder and John Norris’ crown as oldest fogey at MTV.

Ennehweighs, Ariana Grande (Mimi Lite) showed up in a phony pony, leather tube dress and thigh high boots. WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE GROWN?!? I wanted someone to come get this TWEEN outta here and put her in an alphet that was age appropriate and then someone told me she was 21 and I was like WUT? Apparently, she’s older than Lorde because the world is backwards and nothing makes sense.

Taylor Swift was interviewed while rocking what looked like a snap crotch onesie. These shenanigans is why someone said she looks like a single crab leg. These types of decisions.

Taylor Swift

The interwebs won’t let me live right. *howls*

Iggy Azalea showed up with Rita Ora‘s hairstyle and the personality of burnt toast. And some girl group who I’ve named Danity Kane’s mentees performed and I was like “can’t nobody tell me that ain’t Dawn, Aundrea, Aubrey, Shannon and D.Woods.” Chile…

OH AND Katy Petty showed up with Riff Raff on her arm and paying homage to All Denim Everything Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. RIFF RAFF WAS HER DATE! I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Let’s just skip the rest and get into the show.

Ariana Grande opened it up with a performance where she rocked a glitter onesie that I’m sure Beyonce rejected way back in the day with matching boots. Watching her try to be sexy made me mad uncomfortabo, man

Then it went into Nicki Minaj‘s performance of ANACONDA where I really got to see that her surgeon did the gahtdamb most with carving them hips up. She let the yansh clap though.

Nicki Minaj VMAs 2014

Jessie J came on stage, Ariana joined them and Nicki had to hold on to her dress because wardrobe malfunction. Meh all around.

Jay Pharaoh, the Black dude from SNL who thinks he can do all the impressions ever came on and did a monologue that was terrible. He came on throughout the night and did awful impressions of Kanye and Jay-Z and I was good and tired of him and yelled GO HOME, ROGER!

Wednesday Addams (Lorde) was wearing a black crushed velvet jumpsuit and she came on an introduced Crab Legs Swift, who pranced around the stage in shimmery crop topped and bottoms. I didn’t wanna give her a wedgie after the performance so that means it wasn’t completely terrible.

Sam Katy clapping gif

Me. Yes.

Chelsea Handler showed up looking like her hair brush picked up all its shit and said “Fuck it. I’m out.” Just looking hella unkempt. Ugh.

Kim Kardashian (West) who was bronzed for ZEUS came on to introduce Sam Smith and his performance was my favorite of the night. Hands down. He sang “Stay with me” and he slayed effortlessly and I threw my houseshoes at the TV when he was done. YOU BETTER SANG, SAMUEL SMITH! I wish he woulda sang two songs. They coulda cut Jay Pharaoh out to make room for him. Dang. Male Adele (Madele) got on that stage and hurt my feelings through song and I GOT MY LIFE!

Common (with his segzy ass) walked onstage with his legs all far apart as if his *loses internet connection*. WUT?? Ennehweighs, he talked about what’s happening in Ferguson, affirmed that Black lives matter and asked for a moment of silence for Mike Brown. He’s so fahn when he’s bothered.

Usher performed in some white jeggings and I praised Elohim that he cut off that raggelly ass mohawk he’s been rocking for 7 years. Bless it. I remember when I used to like seeing him perform. 2007. Good times. Nicki Minaj showed up and did something.

Nicki Usher VMAs


Danity Kane’s Mentees won some award and I found out that their name is Fifth Harmony. Good to know so I can forget tomorrow. Then MTV randomly showed 2 pictures of Robin Williams and cut to commercial. I thought they were gonna do a whole “In Memoriam” slideshow. Nope. They just got their intern to Google images 2 pics and TADA! InstaTribute. O_o

Iggy Azalea and Rita Ora performed and I already think they’re the same person so that posed a challenge for me as I tried to tell who was who. I know Rita always got dark roots (like her colorist don’t never make time for her) but she had on a wig. Meanwhile, I figured out who Iggy was because she was the one who was shaped like a funhouse mirror coke bottle. Ma’am you PAID for that shape? Why would you? I just know Azalea Banks was at the bar across the street MAD AS HELL. And writing shady tweets to send later.

Miley Cyrus won Video of the Year and instead of going up to accept her award, she let a formerly homeless man named Jesse get onstage and speak about the problem of homelessness in LA. It was actually a pretty dope thing to do so salute to Miley.

miley-crying VMAs 2014 gif

I really enjoy this GIF for the looks on Katy Perry and Sam Smith’s faces

And thennnnnnnn came what everyone was waiting for. Beyonce’s performance in honor of her winning the Michael Jackson Vanguard award. It was best that they put this at the very end because if it was in the beginning of the show, everyone woulda watched it and bounced.

Bey’s set started with her flanked by these really pale, scary looking human mannequins and I thought it was nice for Bey to hire Iggy Azalea and her cousins.

Beyonce VMAs 2014

She performed a medley of the songs on her album. I knew many of them too even though I’ve only listened to the album once. Everyone sings like they get paid by Roc Nation so I have no other choice but to know them. Beyonce gave us all a mini version of her concert so her fans who couldn’t drop hundreds on tickets got to get their lives!

The thing is, she’s a dope performer but I was bored. The 15 minutes of the performance felt like longer to me because I lack attention span. I know, Beygency, I just performed blasphemy because I wanted your King’s set to be done after 5 minutes. BUT… I gotta say that Blue Ivy won the VMAs this year.

Seeing her on Jay-Z’s lap watching her mom perform was just so precious. She was mesmerized! And then when FLAWLESS came on, she started dancing and doing her hand like she woke up like dis. TOO. DOGGONE. CUTE!!!!

Blue ivy Dance VMAs

When Bey did “Blue” and they showed Blue Ivy watching herself. DAAAAWWWW Seriously. I don’t even mind that it was long because the camera kept showing Blue and my ovaries kept doing the wop.

Beyonce is a great performer because the fact that I was bored and she was still the best person of the night shows that I’m so used to her blowing my mind that I was like WHAPPENED? Anywho, when she finished, Jay-Z and Blue Ivy came on stage and an emotional (and crying Beyonce) hugged her family. Blue clapped and went “GO MOMMY!” and my ovaries laid prostrate at the altar because I just could not stand the cuteness of the Knowles-Carters.

Jay-Z introduced her as “the greatest performer alive” and I can’t even argue with it.

Beyonce JayZ Blue VMAs

She’s earned the hell outta that Vanguard Award. It was beautiful to see her get all verklempt too. I loved it. Congrats, Yawnce!!!

And the show ended there and everyone proceeded to GIF all of it.

Did you watch? What were your favorite moments? What made you side-eye? Let’s discuss!

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  1. matador1015
    August 25, 2014 at 7:36 am

    I haven’t watched the VMAs since Prince performed with the booty cutout pants, so my first question is, THEY STILL HAVE A VEEJAY? How? They don’t play videos any more, amirite?

  2. August 25, 2014 at 7:40 am

    my fave moments hands down was twitter.
    black twitter was in dire need of some laughter/shade and im glad we could come together as a family and catch these jokes.

    -why doesn’t MTV want to pay their sound people?
    -why was miley wiping her face like just finished sucking some d-*nvr mind
    -why was nikki minaj up there more than the host?
    -why was the host up there more than…ANYBODY
    -why is big sean now dating mariah carey jr?
    -why is amber rose’s body so perfect?
    -why does kanye’s wife not care about black people? <-allegedly taking during Common's speech on Ferguson
    -who is lorde's stylist?
    -why do rappers have to lip sync?

    these questions need answers Luvvie. cuz Sway aint got em.

  3. Lenore
    August 25, 2014 at 7:41 am

    It’s ok if you didn’t get Queen B’s performance. It was a peek from all her videos.
    But my ovaries were also yelling at me “let me make one of those!!!!” whenever Blue graced my tv screen. That family so everything!

  4. OrganizedChaos
    August 25, 2014 at 7:43 am

    I was more excited to see Blue than anyone else!

  5. PJay
    August 25, 2014 at 7:56 am

    Taylor Swift’s camel toe was bigger than her behind… she needs a new stylist because he/she has jokes.

    • Wendyful1
      August 25, 2014 at 8:07 am

      Fatha Gahd!!!

  6. MzKitty
    August 25, 2014 at 8:00 am

    The best part of the entire show besides Blue ,was when Beyonce threw shade.(which I think everyone missed) When she said “Of course sh*t happens when there’s more than a billion dollars on an elevator”.

  7. Shani
    August 25, 2014 at 8:13 am

    I guess Riff Raff accomplished his main goal.

  8. August 25, 2014 at 8:17 am

    Girl, I couldn’t care less about MTV and bless you for mentioning ye old Kurt Loder and slightly less old, John Norris. Kids nowadays have no idea who those dudes are.

  9. Tracey Betsill
    August 25, 2014 at 8:32 am

    SHUT UP ROGER! HA!!!!!

  10. August 25, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Even my little cousins didn’t know who “2 seconds of summer” was, I’m convinced MTV just took them out the audience and taught them a song

  11. Quitha
    August 25, 2014 at 9:37 am

    I didn’t watch the show but I was reading your tweets. That was good enough for me.

  12. jadidar
    August 25, 2014 at 9:58 am

    Chelsea Handler showed up looking like her hair brush picked up all its shit and said “Fuck it. I’m out.” Just looking hella unkempt. Ugh.
    This was everything.

  13. August 25, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Can we talk about how awkward and USELESS Jim Carrey and Jeff Bridges were on stage? I don’t know how much money their company spent to get them there to promote Dumb and Dumber 2. Jim looked like a drunk uncle with the scarf bit. Also, Jay Pharoah’s Kayne impression was the one that jumped the shark. It didn’t have the charm. But Bey. Man she was good, I will always be her fan so I’m biased and I got to experience some of the OTR tour highlights including the home videos that played while she sang Blue.

    • Melia
      August 25, 2014 at 10:54 am

      I had the feeling no one was checking for Dumb and Dumber. It felt all wrong for them to be there.

  14. Melia
    August 25, 2014 at 10:52 am

    I watched the True Blood finale and DVR’d the awards so I was able to fast forward to the parts I wanted to see.

    Usher’s set confused me.

    Nikki…**deep sigh**

    Serious question: Maybe it’s me, but it seems Ariana is going the J.Lo route. Get a rapper named Sean. Do music and the screen. And the last part is subtle, but pay attention…does her skin get “bronzed” for music and lighten back up for TV? Check out Sam & Cat and then look at her in a video. Mini J.Lo for sure

  15. August 25, 2014 at 10:57 am

    My official recap, as played out on my Facebook page…:

    ~ The opening was super cute. I love that song. Y’all know how I feel about Anaconda. I was grooving. Y’all also know somebody getting fired for that faulty Rainbow dress she couldn’t zip up…. *sips tea*

    ~ BTW, SHOUT OUT TO INGLEWOOD!!!! Great Western Forum big baaaaaaaby! ‪#‎hometown‬

    ~ Yo, I know Beyoncé is getting her own honor…. But don’t rob her… Katy Perry? Word?

    ~ Creepy guidance counselor….. Perfect description of Drake in that video.

    ~ Lorde just looks like Wednesday Adams, grown up, after living a rough life…..

    ~ I didn’t like Taylor Swift before tonight…. Now I REALLY don’t like her. Ughhhhh

    ~ I have no idea what Ed Sheeran(whatever his name is) said when he accepted his award….

    ~ You better hyphenate that name girl! ‪#‎kardashian‬-west

    ~ I love the song “Stay With Me”. It’s so soulful. ‪#‎hedidthat‬

    ~ Yes Common, YES! ‪#‎MIKEBROWN‬ ‪#‎FERGUSON‬

    ~ These impressions……


    ~ Usher song belong at the grown folks party at a family reunion….. *shrug*

    ~ Trey Songz is such a creeper….

    ~ What in the everlasting FUCK is Taylor Swift wearing? Ugh…. I hope her gyno is on speed dial…

    ~ I can tolerate about 5 seconds of 5 Seconds of Summer….

    ~ Boy you can tell Fifth Harmony is a new artist….. They were looking ROUGH! ‪#‎prayersformoremoney‬

    ~ Funny how Iggy sounds NOTHING like she raps when she is speaking regularly. This tea sure tastes good….. *takes a sip*

    ~ Yeah! Maroon 5 baby!

    ~ I’m sure that was the first time Kim Kardashian had ever seen a $5 bill. ‪#‎stagedmuch‬?

    ~ Ok. I can’t be mad at Miley for making a statement.

    ~ This fan tribute?!?!?! ‪#‎life‬

    ~ *slides off couch* my edges are already gone…..

    ~ jdjfjfkdjdhcigktkdjhdhf THIS BITCH DID THE WHOLE ALBUM!!!!!!!!! *passes out *

  16. MrsBrown0526
    August 25, 2014 at 11:18 am

    Be-Be’s performance felt almost melancholy to me. Was it entertaining? Sure. But the long stretch of low-key songs in the beginning gave me the impression that she was almost sad at times. I’m used to upbeat and peppy “Feet Don’t Fail Me Now” Bey, not “Lord, Please Order My Steps” Bey.

    I enjoy a good slow song like the next emotional gal but last night’s Bey had me wondering if I needed to call the Mother’s Board and issue a prayer request.

    Little Cerulean was her saving grace though. The cuteness that ensued from her hand gestures and facial expressions watching mommy revived me. All in all, it was a performer’s solid A (but a Beyonce ‘B’).

    • August 25, 2014 at 12:34 pm

      Little Cerulean??? *tears*

    • Melia
      August 25, 2014 at 1:05 pm

      My hubby said something seemed off and I admit I too felt her performance was toned down. I just chalked it up to her being on tour and probably tired. Maybe Little Cerulean (can I just call you Miranda Priestly from this point forward?) is about to be a big sister…who knows…

    • Bunny
      August 25, 2014 at 3:21 pm

      I’m used to upbeat and peppy “Feet Don’t Fail Me Now” Bey, not “Lord, Please Order My Steps” Bey.

      ^^^This right here

    • Olivia
      August 25, 2014 at 9:09 pm

      Oh my! Not ‘little Cerulean’
      Jesus Wept
      And me too

    • Beeb1202
      August 27, 2014 at 7:21 am

      I think Bey is preggers and hence the low key performance. lol

  17. KP
    August 25, 2014 at 11:24 am

    I didn’t watch this year because it has gotten to the “you’ve seen one award show you’ve seen them all” point and all I would have watched was Beyonce and I knew I could catch Youtube videos of that the morning after. There were no big names that struck out to appeal my interest, hell even Yonce couldn’t do it. Seeing her with her family at the end was probably the most genuine and heartfelt moment of the show. And I’m not even gonna comment on Nicki Minaj messing up a good song nor Big Sean and his inclination towards sitcom women. Toodles.

  18. Asia E.
    August 25, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    Ok Luvvie you are the FUNNIEST damn thing I actively follow on the internet. Points be so on point! Hahahaha I enjoyed the performances mostly, but it’s becoming who can be the most ridiculous…and THAT i’m over.

  19. L
    August 25, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    But what about all the shade that J-Lo was throwing. Watching Nicki shake that Anaconda — the queen of the booty J-Lo was not having it.

    Then that GIF of J-Lo leaving Miley and looking behind her.

  20. August 25, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    I just wanna know when Katy Perry turned into Zooey Deschanel …

    • Melissa
      August 26, 2014 at 9:33 am

      YES!! Thank you!

  21. Diamond
    August 25, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    I too was NOT impressed… and i ONLY watched it for the performances… Fast forwarded through all the awards, speeches and commercials and hell I could’ve gone to bed an hour earlier. Bey didn’t even do it for me. However.. Nicki nicki nicki was my fav part… just because I am amazed that her butt has more bounce to it than Bey… I’m just saying & I’m no hater because like you said, she absolutely deserved that award. Lil Cyan was the BEST part though, lookin like her papi. #ugh #MoldItMoses… I just want B to retire the leotard and stop doin the bootylicious dance… it’s 2014… PRETTY PLEASE!

  22. nichole
    August 25, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Did I watch? No.
    I let someone else watch and tell me if it’s worth it for me to watch any one of the 50 million reruns and what I need to fast forward to see.

    So thank you to all who watch and share their thoughts. You save me sanity and I am appreciative.

  23. August 25, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    I thank ya for watching g on my behalf cause I…I just can’t. I caught Bey’s performance on MTV this morning and it was good but overall, year I’m not part of the MTV generation anymore.

  24. Absurdist
    August 25, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Here’s how I look at it.

    The original VJs back when MTV was still all music videos:
    J.J. Jackson (dead since 2004) would be 73 now.
    Nina Blackwood is 58,
    Mark Goodman is 61.
    Alan Hunter is 57,
    Martha Quinn is bringing up the rear at 55.

    The very roots of MTV are all in the AARP range. MTV itself (33) is older than most of the artists that received VMAs, and most of the artists that turned MTV into what it was back in the glory days couldn’t get airplay there anymore.

  25. QueenD113
    August 25, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    I LIVE for your recaps, always on point. I am UNABLE with these VMAs and what passes for music in general these days. Best parts of the VMA’s were: Sam Smith, Common, Maroon 5, Blue/Bey/Jay family moments. “Til the next award foolery – oh wait, that’s tonight with the Emmys!

  26. August 25, 2014 at 2:49 pm

    I didn’t watch because I am officially old and don’t know or give a hoot about most of the attendees, but my Twitter TL kept me in stitches over the shenanigans.

    I am mad that you are calling that child “Crab Legs Swift” I keep seeing that side by side comparison and Lord knows it’s the truth.

    Well last night should give the Beyhive something to obsess about for a while. I am sure they will keep posting and rehashing the video, so I will catch her performance at some point.

    Oh, and Amber Rose needs to quit it. That’s all I am going to say about that.

  27. Catty_Tweets
    August 25, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    The whole thing seemed plagued by sloppy production and several phoned-in moments. I’m glad for Beyonce though – that was a really beautiful moment for her and her family, and it felt very real. Unlike that Miley Cyrus stunt, but I digress… (I’m gonna try not to be so cynical one of these days.)

    I hope the younger generation was taking furious notes, because J-Lo, Gwen, and Beyonce put on a masters-level seminar entitled How. It. Is. Done.

  28. nichole
    August 25, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    On a same but different note, who told Taylor to start wearing shorts in the first place? She would do better in a-line, bubble or circular skirts. The shorts are a big ole “no.” IMO

  29. notconvincedgranny
    August 25, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Common. Just put that freckle faced man on everything, but especially on me.

    Miss Blue Ivy. To the world, she’s a superstar; but to her, that lady is just Mommy, and she was obviously proud of her. If they were faking the togetherness, then that’s is a family of great actors. Too sweet.

    Taylor Swift. Legs for days, butt not even for a moment.

    Amber Rose. Your husband has people being killed backstage at his concert, and you’re out naked. Please talk to the Knowles-Carter clan about how to handle this kind of thing.

  30. isonprize
    August 25, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    Not sure when you made the change, but the new look is fabulous!!

  31. milaxx
    August 26, 2014 at 12:28 am

    What Miley did was nice and all but the fact that it felt so calculated and fake took a lot of the shine off it for me.

  32. September 6, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    I thought it was nice for Bey to hire Iggy Azalea and her cousins.