Girlfriend Intervention’s Attempt at Fixing Needs Fixing: Premiere (And Only) Recap
I watched Lifetime TV’s newest reality TV show, Girlfriend Intervention last night. TWICE. The first time to just see it and the second time to get some of the quotes because the show was just that roastable. I already went in with my side-eye strong because the tagline of the show is “Trapped inside of every white girl is a strong black woman ready to bust out.” Oh REALLY?
The show takes 4 Black women and gets them to makeover the life and style of some helpless white woman. Because you know what every white woman needs is a 4 sassy Black besties.
The show’s first hapless white woman is Joanie, a former hip hop dancer who is married to a Black man named Bradley, a current hip hop dancer with the nickname “Shoes.” Joanie has apparently let herself go so she needs the help of Nikki Chu (to fix her house), Tiffiny Dixon (to fix her style), Tracy Balan (to fix her hair) and Tanisha Thomas (to fix her soul).
Let me remind everyone that Tanisha is the one of Bad Girls Club infamy and multiple reality TV shows of randomness. I still remember her as the chick who was fighting like she lacked home training on BGC. Getting her to fix someone’s soul is like getting Joseline Hernandez as your speech pathologist.
In the first 10 minutes of the show, the following lines are uttered by Tanisha:
“Joanie is married to a FINE Black man. A Black woman would never let herself go with a man like that.”
“Our mission is to get Joanie to feel visible, vibrant and HIP HOP SEXY!” What is Hip Hop sexy?? Is it adjacent to R&B sexy?
“With Caucasian women, everyone is really afraid to say how they really feel.”
“Honey, she needs to get her groove back. ASAP.”
“There is not a sister on this Earth who’ll miss a red carpet event because she feels fat. That’s a white girl problem.”
She wasn’t the only “coach” talking sideways either. Tiffiny was “No self-respecting Black woman would ever hide herself in that if she wanted to keep her Black card.”
Joanie was basically being told that she’s failing at being married to a Black man because she lacks confidence and she had body issues and you know that Black women don’t have those problems. WE’RE A WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN!!!!!!!!! Foxxy Cleopatra would be proud of this team.
Because every white woman is weak and helpless and all they need are some neck-swerving Black friends who will KEEP IT REAL so they can get it together. I can’t even understand how this was greenlit.
On top of all of that, what made the show laughable and really hard to take as anything but comedy was how they’d all just drop over-wrought and outdated phrases. It made the Girlfriend Interventions seem like a MadTV skit. OKAY?!? YESSS, GIRLFRIEND!!! YOU GO, SISTER! THIS PLACE GOT ITS GROOVE BACK, BABY! O________O
It’s 4 Black women acting like characters written by white people who’ve never met any Black people. Actually, I’m pretty sure a bulk of this was scripted so I think this is a possibility. When Tanisha said “You look hip AND hop” was when I knew I hated everything.
But while they’re trying to makeover this white woman while insulting white women and Black women, I was wondering who was gonna make all of THEM over.
This Tiffiny chick’s hair was making me angry. She had 2 curly pieces as sideburns, a high ponytail and shaved sides. It was like the Golden Child meets Cassie. Then there’s Nikki who I kept mistaking for Tracy because they both had long blonde weaves that were placed gingerly on their scalp lackadaisically. I finally figured out that Nikki had bangs, though. That helped me.
Tracy, who was the hairstylist/makeup artist had hair so frizzy in one scene that she looked like the Cowardly Lion from the Wiz. And then Tanisha. Homegirl was rocking about 6 packs of remy whilst wearing an entire MAC paint pot on her eyelids. Actually, ALL of them were. She lowkey looked like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. Reality TV makeup is Instagram chic.
So for them to be talmbout fixing Joanie! had me scratching my head. Tanisha, especially took her role seriously with “I have got to fix her soul.” Don’t worry about me. WORRY BOUT YOUR EYEBROWS! Who gon fix Tanisha’s makeup? Who gon fix Tracy’s wig? Who gon fix Tiffiny’s sideburns? Ugh.
Anyway, part of fixing Joanie was helping her “get her groove back” (yes, really). So since she used to be a Hip Hop dancer, naturally taking her Salsa dancing was the way to do that. O_O They all joined her and when Joanie cha-cha’ed to their satisfaction, they chanted her name and Tanisha yelled “SALSA CALIENTE MUCHO!” in enthusiasm and I was outdone. The camera panned to the floor and somebody had on kitten heels. I was REALLY extra offended then (-___-).
Next was getting Joanie new hair and some makeup. Tracy gave her too much extra hair and some “ok” makeup. She showed her off to the other coaches and they all Oohed and aahed. They ended that session with all of them yelling “The best part is you have 4 new sisters now. And you know what they say… once you go Black, you can’t go back.” I wanted to dropkick my TV in that moment.
They go back to Joanie’s house and Nikki reveals her work. She’d painted the room turquoise and thrown a whole bunch of accessories in there. It looked like IKEA threw up in there and it was giving me anxiety. The room was dizzying, between the bright wall, the scrabble letters that spelled out her name on the wall, the orange pillows on the couch, the curtains hanging in the doorway and the neon paintings of Joanie’s family member’s pics.
I got my interior designer degree from Design on a Dime University and Love It or List It College so I know. That room was doing the most with the most.
Then came the reveal in front of Joanie’s husband and some unidentified friends. She took to the runway like she was on Jenny Jones’ “From Geek to Chic” show and the peanut gallery cheered as if this mediocre ass makeover really did blow them away. Meanwhile, I also wondered who was gonna give her husband the makeover that HE clearly needed. >__>
After Project NAWLway wrapped, Joanie’s husband got on stage to profess his love for her (a part that was clearly scripted). He musta forgotten his lines because he was stuttering like Celie’s son when he came back from Africa. I was so over all of them.
Everyone was happy with everything and they were really satisfied with themselves for helping this hapless and lost white woman reclaim her groove. “I feel like a woman on fire!” – Joanie. That sounds painful, girl. I heard Monistat helps.
The episode ends with Tanisha exclaiming “You’re officially Black whether you like it or not.” Because apparently, being Black means having 3 hair clips, wearing camo skinnies and telling people your groove has returned from the market. Listen. NO, LAWD!
After watching Girlfriend Intervention, I am offended for Black women, white women, all women, makeup artists, hairstylists, interior designers, show producers and anything else of good quality. Bad weave, bad makeup, bad catchphrases and even worst stereotypes. It’s embarrassingly bad.
Someone (@RenaissanceEast) said this show is like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy meets The Help and I howled to the blue-corned moon. Because it’s true. Lifetime should go back to the drawing board, erase any ideas related to this and put this show out its misery. It is terrible.
I suffer through these things so you don’t have to. Just like I did by reading 50 Shades of Grey. Because I’m a humanitarian.
UPDATE: Joanie, the woman who was made over on the show found this recap and left a comment. Here it is:
“I was the BW and I signed up because I wanted a makeover and a room redone in my home. There are A LOT of things about this show I didn’t like, all those scripted and unscripted comments that had to be with being black or white… I couldn’t stand. I think a review or ‘recap’ should be truthful but also adding what’s good even if it’s one thing. Not every single thing in the show was bad, if you are truly being honest. That red jumpsuit was AMAZING and also my husband needing a makeover is debatable but his lines being scripted is completely 100% false. That was all from the heart.
We’ve been married 18 1/2 years and that was a beautiful moment for us and I will defend its truthfulness. Also my speech at the end was edited of course because of its length, but that was also 100% from my heart. Those ladies were a blast to be with for a week. Tiffiny and I particularly bonded on the show. They all treated me with respect and care. I took most of their comments with a grain of salt, because I do have more confidence than I let on, I wanted a makeover! They were great to be with for a week. And as for my living room… everyone has different tastes. I personally love it!”
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