One day I looked up and everyone had become the Bubba Gump of Kale, talmbout kale salad, kale soup, kale smoothies, kale sammiches, kale nail polish (yes really. It’s called NailKale. Everyone go home. You’re drunk!). It was all kale everything and I was like whappened? Why it happen?
I know yall love you some kale but I have had it on more than one occasion and each time, I wonder if the person who offered it to me really likes me. I really start to question our friendship when you offer me a green leaf that tastes like unrealized potential with a tad of olive oil but mostly the savoriness of grass.
I am not here for Kale apologists and I don’t believe in your ministry. You know the people who just insist that you haven’t found someone to cook it right. Is this leaf a magic kettle that you gotta rub perfect so the genie (and good taste) can pop out? That’s too much work! Do I gotta sing kale a heartfelt love song so it can soften up and be delicious? Why must I bribe kale with property and good music before it gets behavior? It’s so high maintenance. Is spinach busy? Me and spinach can talk because it’s a bit less involved.
“Kale ain’t nothing but baby spinach with high blood pressure.” – @GeorgiatheGypsy
Folks be talmbout “you just gotta massage it.” DID KALE BUY THIS SPECIAL ON GROUPON?? Why do I need to sit up here and rub its shoulders for it to be appetizing? Who got time for this high-faluting veggie? The only food I cater to is jollof rice and even it doesn’t require pampering like this.
“OMG. Kale is totally delicious if you place it next to a window sill when it’s exactly 74.3 degrees outside for exactly 3 minutes and 13 seconds. And then you massage it and purr while you do it but you have to do it in an alto voice and then you twirl 2 times clockwise. It is REALLY good when you do that.” – Team Kale
Folks say it’s an acquired taste. Well where do I acquire kale that doesn’t make my taste buds frown at me?
Some of my friends are kale lobbyists too. My girl Erika of Black Girls’ Guide to Weight Loss is one of them. Every time I see her, she threatens me with kale or other vegetables. EWWWW!!! This is why I’m getting her a Cassie album for Christmas this year. She doesn’t want me to be happy. AT ALL.
I am not here for the Pro-Kale Propaganda. That is yellow journalism and I won’t hear it.
Kale tastes like scorned exes feel and yall be making green smoothies with it. NO MA’AMS AND SIRS! Keep your radioactive juice. I’m on to you. You’re tryna make kale fetch happen and it won’t work!
What happens to a dream deferred (aka kale)? Does it dry up like the hopes of tomorrow without olive oil? Does it fester on your plate and then make you regret your choice? The answer is yes. Always.
I know many of you love kale but I’ll be over here FOREVER HATING ON KALE. WHERE’RE MY FELLOW HATERS AT?!? And Kale Lovers, share your secrets to making it not taste like abject bad decisions.