Chile, last night’s episode of Scandal, I met my spirit animal in a woman named Bitsy Cooper. Let’s talk about it!
Dreaming – Olivia is in the pool swimming in that AMAZING one-piece of hers. It switches to her being in bed with Jake but his face changes to Fitz’ and then changes back. She does that “Oh you’re in” gasp, having all types of NASSY dreams while “Summer breeze makes me feel fine” plays.
Owwwwww! Her father says “My God, Olivia. Wake up!” and she wakes up gasping and Abby runs in her room (she stayed the night with her).
Abby tells her to call Fitz to let Jake go but she says he isn’t taking her calls.
Knuckles – Fitz is on the White House balcony in pajamas and with bloody knuckles when Mellie shows up (dressed up and hair combed). He’s surprised to see her not looking like PigPen from Charlie Brown with a cloud of dust behind her. She says she’s planning a state funeral so she gotta look presentable. But he’s the one looking like Filthy Fitz.
Suspect – Former President Edward Cooper has died of a stroke, but in 1986, there was an assassination attempt on him. So yes, he’s Scandal’s Ronald Reagan. Olivia (in this bad ass black/white cape trench) walks into a maximum security prison to meet Leonard Carnahan, the man who has been locked up for 30 years as the suspect. He seems to have requested Liv. He denies the shooting and said someone else framed him. He wants her to help him prove that he’s innocent because the bullet lodged in the President’s head will show that it wasn’t from his gun.
Hired Ho Thangs – Cyrus is getting dressed and Michael’s all in a towel. Cy tells his gigolo that he’s getting him an apartment and a secured phone and a bank account. WAIT. WAYMENT! THEM IS HUBBY THANGS, NOT HO THANGS!
Lawd. You’re not ‘posed to fall in love with the hired help! STAHP, CY! He goes to the bathroom and Michael pulls his phone and reads something on it.
Lizzie Bear and Michael meet up and he got pics of him and Cyrus kissing and whatnots. Then he tells her that he got more tea. Apparently, the President might be closing 6 military bases and he got more tea like this where that came from but it’s gon cost her more guap. “Make yo money. Don’t let the money make you.” I’ma start calling him Diamond.
Abby Goes In – Abby walks into the Oval Office and President Ghost is looking for a frequently late lately Cyrus. She answers his question but lingers and he wonders why she’s still standing there. Red says she wants to know what happens to Jake Ballard.
“You just thought to stroll into the Oval Office and ask the Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces about something you have no security clearance for.”
Her sweet reply:
“I’m asking the married man who used to sleep with my friend what exactly he has done with the man she’s currently sleeping with… I am overstepping the hell out of my world right now but if you love her at all, do her the courtesy of telling her what is going on. You may have never heard what it sounds like when Olivia wakes up screaming from a nightmare but I have and it’s awful.”
YES, ABBY! She wonders if Jake is being held legally and has proper representation and all’at. Because she peeped his bloody knuckles. And she excuses herself.
I AM HERE FOR ABBY, WHELAN!!!
Gladiating – Huck is playing video games when Quinn walks in to inquire about what he’s found about the key in the dead girl. It’s a locker key and Liv walks in. She wants them to find everything they can on Carnahan. They agree that the only way to tell is with the bullet and to get that, an autopsy is needed on the former President’s body, which is supposed to be buried in 3 days. The only way they can make this happen is if they get Leonard charged with murder. When Quinn and Liv go to see him, he quotes something he read in the newspaper: “The truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for awhile but it’s not going to go away.” He got it from Liv herself. She says she believes him.
Bitsy the Boss Shader – The ex-First Lady, Bitsy Cooper, comes to see the current First Lady and when the cameras leave and everyone else does too, she lets loose.
“My husband’s only religion was believing that he had to screw anything with a pulse. But since us bitches gotta get through this dog and pony show, I’m gonna need you to sit down, shut up and follow my lead. Now I’ma take the office, I’ll do the planning and you go crochet or vaccinate fat kids or whatever silly hobby makes you feel like you’re making a difference.”
GAAAHHHTTDDAAAMMBBB!!! Ain’t no shade like old folks shade, man. She left Mellie speechless. I love Bitsy Cooper!
Leaks – Lizzie is on the news and she drops the dime about a “rumor on military base closings.” Cyrus wonders how she found out and wants Abby to find out. She says it’s not her job but he says she better make it her job because after coming at the President, she is lucky to still have a job. And if she wants to continue with this one that has good benefits, she better find the leak. He doesn’t know it’s because HE is being sloppy through simping. SMDH.
Pissing Contest – Olivia calls Abby and tells her she shouldn’t have run up on Fitz like that. She hangs up because there’s a knock at her door and it’s President Ghost with his squad. He walks in and says “So. Abby’s kind of a bitch.” DON’T COME FOR ABBY EVEN THOUGH SHE SENT FOR YOU, FITZ! Keep it cute!
She says Jake did not do this and he drops all types of evidence on her about how he killed Jerry. She says she wants to see him and he’s all fussy and mad that she feels like she KNOWS Jake. He walks out, knowing damb well he’s going to let her see him. Liv downs her glass of wine. We gon talk about how Liv is an alcoholic later.
Partner Proposal – Lizzie asks Mellie to go out publicly to say that the military bases are not closing and she peeps that it’s so that the President could be painted into a corner. She tells ol’ Slicky Ricky (her hair is always slicked back) that she is not going to do her hubby like that.
#JusticeForCooper – Quinn has narrowed down the key to belonging to a locker in one of 3 places. The Gladiators are trying to figure out how to get Carnahan charged for murder so they used the press to get the ball rolling. They figured they’d start a hashtag on Twitter to get it trending. #CooperWasMurdered is deemed too long so #JusticeForCooper is just right. LOL ShondaLand STAYS on Twitter.
David convinces Fitz to get the Justice Department to file murder charges against Carnahan. Score 1 for the Gladiators.
Barbara, This is Bitsy – Mrs. Cooper has taken over Mellie’s office and Bitsy doesn’t e’em care about all these plans. What people don’t know is that the former Prez had ADD. SHE was the force behind him and she’s the one who made all the important decisions for him. “I strengthened the military. I negotiated the Baltic Peace Accords…” Mrs. Cooper is like “I PAID HIS BILLS. I WASHED HIS SUITS!” I bet she’s called Barbara before… “you might not know me but…”
Bitsy is pissed that all she will be known as is the woman who was the wife of some important man. Come on and strum the pain of a lotta women, Bitsy. LOVE HER!
Advised by the Devil – Fitz is in the Oval Office, sharing a bottle of scotch with Rowan Pope, who tells him that he wants to handle Jake himself. “Let me discipline MY DOG.” He tells the President all that he wants to hear, pumping his head up and that fool sops it up like a lap dog. The snake is in your office, President but you think you got a friend. Sir, BYE. Grand Goon tells him to let Olivia see Jake because if she keeps her away from him, she will think he’s some sort of hero. “Don’t let love cloud your judgment.” Rowan Pope could sell water to the ocean. That dude is the MASTER MANIPULATOR.
Playing Games – Huck is at OPA playing video games as Quinn is trying every single locker in the building she narrowed it down to. He is of NO help, playing Worlds of Warcraft and shit. In the courtroom, David argues that they should not allow an autopsy of the former Prez but he looks over and sees Liv sitting in the pews and knows he lost. Oh Lemony Snicket.
Afterwards, he tells Olivia “Hashtag you wanna screw me.” Meanwhile, I’m too busy drooling over the houndstooth blouse that Liv is donning. YUM. She goes to see Carnahan and tells him they will get the bullet.
Face to Face – Olivia gets a phone call and she is called to the Pentagon. TO SEE JAKE. She walks in and sees her 2nd bae on the floor looking like Martin in that episode where he got into the boxing ring with Tommy “Hit Man” Hearns. Face is all bloody and swollen.
He tells her to listen to him. He says he has an offshore bank account with a password Emily (his sister’s name. 942540920 is the account number. He tells her to remember it and give the money to his mother in Bloomington, IN if he doesn’t make it. He tells her that he won’t waste his time talmbout being framed and her dad being the puppetmaster but he ain’t gon do that. “We both know in the end, you’re not gonna choose me… I want you to know, I need you to know that not choosing me is ok.”
Always Second Fiddle. Never the Groom. Jake gon make ME go rescue him. I’m a sucka, man. Aawww. He asks her to repeat that number to him and she does. Fitz looks on PISSED! Step yo game up, man! Don’t be mad. Jake just made ME wanna give him a hug.
Bitsy’s Advice – The First Ladies are on the White House balcony dranking and chilling. She tells Mellie that she had to GRAB power when she was in the White House. “I made sure his secretary was the homeliest woman I could find. He still managed to bang her twice a day everyday for eight years!” She said she was grateful because all those shenanigans gave her time to run the country and she takes a sip of her dry martini. AW SNAP! Maleficent Mellie is going to happen from this. Watch.
Guilty – The ballistics came back and the bullet in the former President’s head came from Carnahan’s gun afterall. Liv goes to see him and the man confesses that all he wanted was to have his name known and Olivia did that for him. That SUMMABITCH! He used her own line about the truth and the sun against her. OOP.
Liv goes to David and Lemony Snicket rubs it in her face talmbout “I outpoped Olivia Pope. EAT IT, SUCKA!” This one time, sir. And you didn’t really because you did everything they wanted you to do. Olivia says she wants him to tell Jake but he tells her that her bae is no longer in the DOJ’s custody. He’s been transferred.
Command vs. Command – Rowan sits across from Jake and says he is a man of his word so he will see him die. Jake talmbout he loves Liv. WHAT’S LOVE GOTTA DO WITH THIS??
“I handed my greatest treasure to you on a silver platter. All you had to do was pay your respects to her father and you couldn’t handle that. It stops you every time. The arrogance. The need to swagger. To show everyone who you are. True power hides in plain sight. I played this president like a fiddle to get you back in my possession. I was his daddy, his priest, his valet, his concubine, his best friend. I danced for him. I made him feel pretty… You can’t take Command. Command takes you.”
Rowan Pope’s reads are the tea for my fever. The Robittusin to my cough. I just love them.
Hope – The former President is laid to rest and Carnahan is announced as guilty but he’s working out a plea deal. Abby whispers something to Fitz and he goes to an office where Liv is waiting. She scolds him for removing Jake from DOJ custody and to hand him to Rowan. She tells him that if Fitz lets Jake die at the hands of her father, they will REALLY be destroyed and there will never ever be hope of them being together. Out of ALL this, the only thing he heard was that. He asks “Are you saying there is hope?” She says “There’s hope” and storms out. Liv said that just to get him to get Jake back. Hope packed its Dereon duffel and said “I QUIT.” Fitz wants to believe SO BAD that there is hope. Hope is on timeout.
Rogue Mellie – As Bitsy and Mellie leave the Capitol building where President Cooper’s body is lying in state, the press is all over them. Mrs. Cooper makes a comment that re-states the impact of her husband like she is expected to. Mellie goes rogue and adds commentary about how President Ghost will uphold his legacy and will make sure no military bases will be closed. AW SHIT! Bitsy is clerly proud and whispers to her new friend “I have a joint in my handbag and it is not going to smoke itself. Would you like to join me?” I LOVE HER SO MUCH! CAN SHE STAY, SHONDA??
Spilled Cyrus Tea – Beene calls Abby PISSED that she still hasn’t found out about the leak and Red puts him in his place REAL QUICK by saying she went digging for stuff herself and found out what happened. He got a new cellphone a couple of days before and he has rented a one bedroom in Georgetown. “I’m guessing it’s to stop paying for a hotel room every time you see your… friend. So before you head out on a witchunt, you might wanna take a better look at your own backdoor. See you at work tomorrow.”
ALL THE OOPS THAT EVER OOPED.
All’s Well – Huck has been tied to his computer playing video games because the person at the other end is his son. AAWWWWW. Quinn finally finds the locker that the key opens and it’s full of hundreds of pics of Olivia. WUT??? And then, Fitz walks into where Jake is and tells him that he is being transferred to a SuperMaximum facility (under DOJ authority). All this so he can one day get back into Liv’s underdraws.
Olivia is doing laps in the pool (in this gorgeous one piece) and when she comes up for air, Rowan is standing there, PISSED! He wonders what she did to intervene to save Jake and she says she saved BOTH Jake and Fitz. She tells him:
“You may be Command, Dad. But I have weapons at my disposal. Weapons that you can’t possibly possess.”
THE POWER OF THE P! The secrets of the Universe that are betwixt her thighs. Rowan could NEVER.
I need Olivia Pope to hold classes on how to get these men simping this hard. Can she give a webinar? I asked Shonda last night on Twitter and she RTed me. I’ll take that as hope that yes, it might happen. Maybe Michael, Cyrus’ gigolo can make a cameo too.
I want Bitsy Cooper to stay forever and ever. I just love her so hard. She is the influence that Mellie needs to get her head back in the game instead of perma-mourning Jerry. She is like a shade mentor and FLOTUS was getting her whole life. That little smirk she gave when Bitsy asked her to join her for a smoke session cracked me up.
Also, I can’t believe Fitz is so dumb that he let Rowan be like a trusted advisor. That dude is a fool.
P.S. Did yall hear them slip it in there that there’s only two episodes left before the winter finale? WHAT ARE WE GO DO WITH DECEMBER?!? Lawd…
Gladiators ROAR in the comments!