Like Father, Like Daughter: Scandal Episode 404 Recap
The Hooked on Phonics Convention happened on last night’s Scandal episode because the amount of reading that went down was epic! Not only was the library open, but everyone got a book to take home after their life was read for filth! Chile, let’s talk about it!
By the way, this is my longest Scandal recap yet because I transcribed every READ. You’re welcome!
Almost Doesn’t Count – Jake is heading to his car in a dark parking lot and he pauses. He zones in on a little liquid dripping from the bottom of his car. He turns around and walks away as he turns on his car with the remote control key and the thing blows up. Papa Pope is after him and it’s his damb fault because he should have kept his damb mouth shut at awkward family dinner.
Second Fiddle shows up at Olivia’s place, late for their dinner when she gets a phone call and has to leave immejately. He’s slightly shaken up though because he now knows that his ass is gon be grass.
Spoiled Rich Kid – Olivia meets up with Quinn at some teenage rave pordee they go into a bedroom to find a girl drunk and bent over next to the bed. Baby Huck is all confused because did they really just come to save some “spoiled rich kid?” No, lady. Not just any spoiled rich kid. Karen Grant, the First Daughter, is white girl wasted and they gotta get her outta there before anyone sees her.
Olivia calls Cyrus and interrupts his pillow talk with his ho, Michael. But wait. Who does that?? Hit it, quit it and send it some PayPal. Cy is outchea simping for this man, for real. Liv tells him that Karen is drunk and they’re getting her out of a pordee and he asks her what happened to her Secret Service agents. Homegirl slipped them. By the way, why is Beene mentioning Secret Service in front of his paid bae?? He is seriously sloppy as hell right now.
As they drag Karen out of the pordee, Liv calls Huck and tells him to shut down the cellphone service at that address because you know good and damb well if folks saw her, they’d be posting vids and pics on Instagram talmbout #FirstDrunkDaughter. Phones go dead as they all leave through a window and board a helicopter on the roof.
Liv is going off on Karen when she gets a text message. It’s a video of her and 2 boys “going to Paris.” Olivia calls Cyrus and tells him to wake up the gahtdamb President because shit just got uber real. “I just saw the dirtiest sex tape I’ve ever seen in my life and it stars his teenage daughter.” WELL SHIT. Where is Iyanla, lawd?!?
Presidential Scolding – President Ghost is all in disarray about this news and he yells at his daughter. Homegirl asks if they can do it later because she’s still wasted. The concerned dad then asks her if she was raped and this little jerk gon tell him “The only way you think I could have sex with two guys is if I was raped? How lame are you?” LAWD HOLD MY MULE! WHO IS SHE TALMTO? I can’t.
Fitz hops up and Olivia jumps in the middle and Karen goes to get checked out by a doctor. Whew, I feel you, Prez Ghost. I wanted to shake her too. When they’re alone, Liv says she relates to Karen because she also had “Angry teenage grieving girl with daddy issues.” But they gotta fix what is happening to make sure this sex tape does not show up online or anywhere. Get to Poping!
Mind Your Business – The next day, Abby sees Huck and Quinn in the White House and she wants to know why they’re there. They tell her that they can’t tell her. She tells them that this is her turf and they can be removed if she asked but Cyrus walks up and tells the Gladiators to go about their business. Red is all in a huff talmbout her authority being undermined by Olivia Pope constantly and he says:
“There are things that happen in this White House with this particular president that you will NEVER EVER know about. Some of those things, many of those things will involve Olivia Pope. Several of those things WILL make it hard for you to do your job and you are a patriot and you are a fighter and you will soldier on. And as for feeling small, I don’t do that to you. I suspect that jealousy does that to you. My advice on that is this: you are not Olivia. You will never be Olivia and hating Olivia for your own shortcomings will not change that fact. Also, have you ever stopped to think about what it must be like to actually BE Olivia Pope? Doesn’t seem like much fun.”
OOP. SO MUCH OOP. I just had to pick up my edges from the floor because they were satched by proxy. Cyrus basically told Abby: “This is none of your business.” She’s the Kermit of Pennsylvania Avenue and doesn’t even know it.
Gladiating for Karen – Musty Mellie is eating out the cereal box in her uniform of choice (uggs and house coat) when Fitz and Karen walk in. She’s all happy to see her daughter but wonders why she’s out of school. They tell her it’s because the girl missed home so she’s there for a few days. Mellie looks worried though.
The Gladiators are doing what they do and Huck reports that #Swaggapalooza is the hashtag being used for the pordee the night before. They stay having him report on those now. They are trying to find out who the boys in the sex tape are (because Karen doesn’t remember) and they narrow it down to 4 guys. One of them is then identified. Now for one more.
Commanding Tom – Rowan meets Tom on a park bench and is pissed that the SSA failed to kill Jake. Tom points out that Jake used to be Command so he knows all his moves. The old man tells him to handle that and quit making excuses. “When I say bring me the head of John the Baptist, I expect the head of John the Baptist.” Grand Goon walks off and Jake sits down, telling Tom that he knows his job is to kill him. Second Fiddle points out that Papa Pope is just trying to make sure no one knows he ordered Jerry to be killed and that the man ain’t loyal to nobody so he might come for Tom’s neck next.
Where Did You Go? – Olivia updates Fitz in the Oval Office on Sextape-Gate when Prez Ghost asks her where she ran away to, looking like a pitiful puppy. “You just took off for 2 months all alone.” She lies and says she just needed to be alone. MA’AM, is Jake Moaning Myrtle, the ghost. Lies. He apologizes for what happened to her mother (they think she’s dead) but Liv says that’s ok because she ruined everything. Lawd. These 2.
Lemony Snicket Chokes – Jake from State Farm shows up at David’s office and asks him to promise to release the B613 files if he happens to die. Lemony says he won’t because the entire government would come crashing down. Ex-Command slams him down on the table and Rosen throws him the locker keys. Didn’t I predict it last week that Jake was gon take them files back? Also, why didn’t David’s goofass just say “yes” but know he wasn’t going to do anything with the files? Homeboy doesn’t think shit through.
Smelly Mellie – Jake calls Olivia as she walks through the White House hallway and he says he needs to see her because he has something he can’t say over the phone. Just then, Mellie spots her and accosts her, wondering what she’s doing “in my house.”
Sidenote: Can we talk about that look Olivia gave her? Like “Bish why are you touching my clean ass jacket with your dusty self?” LMAO!
Liv tells her to go ask her husband and Musty Mellie storms into Prez Ghost’s office, PISSED that he didn’t warn her when he sees Liv like he said he would. Cyrus cracks me up with “Hello Mellie. Got some new boots on there? New color?” SHADE. He leaves and she goes off on Fitz because she feels like she’s held their family together and he still won’t do right chasing after Olivia.
“I will fix this. I will make the decisions.”
This is when he snaps and goes OFF. Read #2 happens.
“I have dealt with Drunk Mellie and Smelly Mellie and Screw Everything to Hell Mellie and Crybaby Mellie and Eat Everything That is Not Nailed Down Mellie and I have not complained. But I will NOT put up with whatever righteous, History-Rewriting Mellie you have going on right now. This is NOT your family. You are NOT the mother. Not since Jerry died. Since Jerry died, you have abdicated your role. You have mothered NO one. You hold NOTHING together. You pick up no pieces. You know how I know this? Because Baby Teddy thinks his mother is Nanny Jen. And Karen spent last night in a threesome with two guys doing a move on her they like to call Eiffel Towering. You know how I know that? I saw the sextape they made. So you should be DAMB glad she called Olivia because Olivia Pope is fixing this mess that you made. This mess that WE made.
I know that I share some guilt. But you wanna know the difference between you and me? All day, every day I am running a country. I am grieving for the loss of my son but I am also running a country. All day every day, YOU are sitting around in booties and a dirty robe eating chips and getting drunk at 11am!”
Every single WELP that every WELPED in WELPHAVEN!
She replies with: “A sextape? She takes after her daddy then, doesn’t she?” and walks out.
First, lemme say a hearty GAHHHHTTDDAAAMMMBBB!!! President Ghost just went in and let Mellie HAVE IT. He is sick of her shit and he let her ass know it. Lawd. Here I am picking up my eyebrows from the floor because he snatched hers, mine, yours and his own. I also love how he called her everything we have. #DrunkMellie. #MustyMellie #GiverOfNoDambsMellie. I sweaterGAWD these writers listen to us.
And Mellie’s comeback was the Mortal Kombat “FINISH EM!” It was brilliant. Chile, they probably had to turn on all the lamps in that place with all that shade she just kicked back in his face. Whew.
Bobby, Donald and Blackmail – The first boy identified in the sex tape is named Bobby and Quinn finds him at his job taking out the garbage and hems him up to let him know that he bet not send that tape to any gahtdamb body or that’s gonna be his ass. She will make sure he loses his scholarship and the job if he does not tell her something good. The other boy is named Donald Morgan and Olivia meets with his parents (who aren’t surprised at his shenanigans). Those assholes tell her that they want $2.5 million from the President if he wants this tape kept secret. These blackmailing bastards!
Olitz and Pouting – Olivia goes to the White House and tells the President, who is pissed about it and does not want to pay. Look. That tape is probably been copied already. If they paid the $2.5 milly, I bet those sleazy parents would still leak it. They better spin this sextape somehow. Olivia tells him to just pay it because this could define his daughter’s future if it gets out.
President Ghost says he’s failing at parenting and husbanding and he walks towards Olivia and gets all close. He grabs her and says “am I failing as a man too? Don’t ever leave me like that again. I almost didn’t survive. I almost died without you.” And then the Vermont instrumental starts playing and Olivia starts quivering and I’m yelling NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. No. Don’t bring OLITZ back right now. NO. I am a bandwaggoner OLITZ fan and right now, I hopped off the bandwagon and ordered an UBER home. (-_-)
They kiss all passionately for a bit and she pushes him off and says stop. She tells him she went away but wasn’t alone. She was with Jake. “So I AM failing as a husband and a father and a man.” Fitz is upset and tells her to pay the blackmailers. “Let’s just do what my father would do. Throw money at the problem and sweep it under the rug.”
Sick Sons of Bitches – Olivia goes back to the Morgans and they have the balls to tell her they want an even $3 million now so the world never finds out that the President’s daughter is a dirty little slut.” She takes a picture of them and says it’s for the tabloids because the deal is off. Liv goes OFFFFF and read #3 goes down beautifully.
“I am going to DESTROY you. That family lost a son! These are children, you sick sons of bitches! Kids experimenting. And you’re exploiting them. That makes you child pornographers. Kiddie porn starring your very own flesh and blood. I’ll manufacture [evidence]. I’ll pay eyewitnesses. I’ll plant stories. I’ll do anything and everything to assassinate what little character you have and I won’t give it a second thought because you two are the absolute WORST kind of people! The kind who have everything but still want more.
I have the head of every news organization on speed dial and they will run the hell out of the story of the rich parents who sent their son to have sex with the President’s daughter just so they could blackmail the White House and in the blink of an eye, everyone you now consider a friend will erase you from their memory. And every family in America will hate you. FOREVER. Forget about ever leaving your house again because they will know our faces because I will make sure that they are etched into the American memory. Because that is what I do. And there is no one better in the entire world at it than I am.”
The Morgans are stunned into silence when Liv passes them non-disparaging agreements to sign so she “never has to see your faces ever again.” They sign it and I am left laid out on the ground.
OLIVIA CAROLYN POPE FOR THE MUTHAFUCKING WIN!!! That read was so good and delicious that I want to make it my ringtone! LAWD! It was so hawt! Old Liv is back!
Mother Mellie – The First Lady goes into Karen’s room and says she saw the sextape. Karen ain’t trying to hear it. Mellie tells her daughter that she’d feel better if she said she was doing the Eiffel Tower with the boys because it made her happy. But she knows it’s because she’s hurt and acting out since she her brother died right in front of her. FACT. “You get one free pass. This was it. You do not get another.” The girl breaks down into her mother’s bosom.
“It may not be fair. It may not be right. And it is definitely sexist because if you were a boy, they’d be giving you high fives. But you’re not so your knees will have to stay together.” LMAO!!! I love Mellie. At her best, she is love.
Fort Dietrich – Fitz is looking at his family’s pic on his phone when Cyrus walks in with George Banks, from the Inspector General’s office. There’s an internal investigation on Tom Larsen because he was at Fort Dietrich on November 2, 2 days before Jerry died. Remember that Fort Dietrich is where the poison that killed the First Son came from. Fitz looks crestfallen and makes a call on his secure line.
Code Tom – Tom calls Jake and says he’s being investigated. Jake tells him to tell the truth and cut a deal because he got proof to back him up. Jake shows up at the White House and tries to talk to Fitz, but he rushes off and leaves a frustrated Second Fiddle standing there with a folder of the evidence he has.
Killer Larsen is taken into an interrogation room and George asks him why he went to Fort Dietrich on November 2.
Tom says he was there on an assignment, and right then, Rowan walks in and excuses George from the room. Cyrus is watching in another room when Fitz rolls up. HE’s the one who brought Rowan in? He’s so dumb and he doesn’t even know it.
Papa Pope gets ALL UP on Tom’s grill with pictures of him at Fort Dietrich. He yells at him “WHO GAVE YOU THIS ASSIGNMENT TO KILL THE PRESIDENT’S SON?” Ain’t this some shit?? Interrogating his agent like HE wasn’t the one who gave him the command to kill Jerry.
“You want me on your side. You NEED me on your side. And I will do all I can for you if you tell me RIGHT now what I need to hear. WHO GAVE YOU THE ORDERS?” The obviously petrified (who heard that not so covert message that he was given) Secret Service agent squeaks “Jake Ballard.”
I DON DIE. OHMYGOODNESS. HOLY HELL.
They cuff SSA Tom and lead him out the room. Jake, still sitting in the Oval Office waiting room, is surrounded by men in black and led off. Rowan Pope closes his folder and walks out the interrogation room.
SON. SOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN. ROWAN GAHTDAMB POPE IS THE DEVIL! Tom AND Jake probably gonna die because that is treason. HOW MANY FUNERALS DO I NEED TO PLAN IN 6 MONTHS FOR SCANDAL?? The Usher Board is overworked and underpaid!
Also, Fitz is an IDIOT! I mean REALLY. All this trust he has in Rowan. You forgot you had this man tied to a chair and he holds grudges! This is why don’t nobody take Fitz nowhere or tell him anything. HE IS SO DUMB. Of all mufuckas to ask to interrogate Tom. You bring in Rowan Pope. The man who YOU unseated from his throne.
And with this happening and Jake being held liable for killing the President’s son, who is going to don an apology blouse for Mama Pope? Everyone was blaming her for this but she was innocent for this particular crime. Will she allowed out the hole? Except no, because Rowan has told people that she is dead.
Chile, I CANNOT! Shit is about to hit the fan. No. Actually, the fan is going to fall from the ceiling and shatter into many different pieces. This episode took me back to season 2 of Scandal, and that made my spirit soar. I AM HERE FOR SCANDAL SEASON 4! Shonda has taken a hold of all our wigs and she won’t let go.
Gladiators ROAR in the comments!