Chile, ain’t it terrible when people fall from grace? 90s kids (aka those who were teenagers then) LOVED us some Jodeci. We wore those black combat boots they always did and called them Jodeci boots too. And we’ve all seen K-Ci and Jojo “OOOOHHH YEAH” their way into our hearts. Devante Swing was the one who everyone thought was FAHN because he was light-skinned with light eyes (bless our simple ass programmed hearts). Those be the ones that grow up terribly too.
The group reunited on the Soul Train Awards and this picture below happened. Now I cannot stop roasting because Devante Swing walked out the house rocking the world’s GRINCHEST MOST STINGY struggle ponytail. If you’re wondering where this ponytail is, it’s the little black cottonball on the side of his head. Can we discuss?
How much gel had to go into gathering that tiny amount of hair into the most STRUGGLEST of ponytails? You know he took water, slicked it back, brushed it, put on is durag and yanked his neck back so he could make this happen.
This negro almost defied the laws of physics to get this ponytail to happen. I’m almost impressed. I bet his scalp is SKRESSED. Mine is from just looking at him.
Devante is Executive Editor of Team Bad Decisions magazine. Between the face tattoo and this paintbrush ass ponytail, I wouldn’t trust him if he told me north was up. This is not even a ponytail. It is a giant lint ball. Grown ass man rocking a blueberry blow pop on his scalp. Now I’m mad.
I just wanna tap that ponytail and say “testing 1, 2, 3.” Homeboy looking like Will Ferrell’s hat in “Elf.” I can’t deal. I just wanna dip Devante to the side into some acetone so his struggle tail can help me remove this gel nailpolish. I bet you could listen to pandora if you get close enough to Devante. That’s an ear bud on his head.
Ponytail looking like a black licorice jawbreaker that don’t nobody want so you throw it at that kid you don’t like at recess. Devante looking like Cher’s favorite pen from Clueless.
Ol’ “404 error: ponytail not found” face. Yall gotta talk to your cousins sometimes and tell them not to do the things they do. Because: foolishment.
I posted it on my FB profile and my friends went IN. Below is their epic foolishment.
“We use to call those tweedle ponytails. I.can’t. Like why…. I mean it would be cute if he was a 1 year old baby girl… He did all of that and sat under the dryer. To set it.” – GT
“That is a gotdamn xmas bow and he needa quit playin!!” – KNQ
“He has one bantu knot on the side of his head. One…” – DML
“I was just writing to say that I’m concerned by the foot callous he has on his face. I got a great pedicurist that file that shit right off.” – CPW
“He’s one kiddie perm away from having Naomi Campbell’s struggletresses. Leave the Just for Me alone, buddy.” – TH
“OK, I’ve heard of Afro Puffs, but that’s more of an Afro Pffft.” – AG
“Every freakin day and every freakin night, I need to loose my hair cuz it’s so freakin tight!!!!!” – DML
“I wonder if it took the rest of Jodeci to help him get that stangy ass ponytail….and I’m sure it took half a bottle of Pro Style hair gel to get them edges right….” – KM
“When he takes his ponytail loose it’s going to stay in that same position. I can just see him in the mirror combing the gel out” – CW
“Devante’s Ponytail 01/92-12/99 LOL” – DC
“*sigh* That sad shit nugget on the side of his head. Also, they all have coke mouth. Every. Single. One.” – MS
“Ain’t even enough for the ponytail to hold a “Work in Progress” sign.” – ENB
“Po’ lil tink tink. He gave it the old college try though. Anyone who can take three wisps of hair and make that into a ponytail needs a slow clap and a medal. I celebrate his ingenuity.” – KW
“It is not a ponytail. It is a cry for help.” – VM
“I need to know what scarf he used to set this onytail. His edge control is on point. He probably rocked the scarf on thd ride to the venue.” – EA
“and then there is THAT moment when Jo-jo is suddenly the hottest one in the group (blank ass stare) wait what happened.” – PE
“It looks like those old school pom Pom socks you wore as a Rec league cheerleader” – TMR
“The people of Whoville came in upon his head.” – SC
“WHY does Davante Swing have a pony that does not. 0_0? WHY does it lean..? WHY a side pony my dude? Who are your friends? Who approved this? Does Devante have people? What is on his face? This is the saddest side pony I’ve ever seent!” – BNM
“Anybody else suddenly in the mood for a bowl of Cocoa Puffs?” – YG
“I just realized that they have on matching outfits. aaaw plus the ponyfail. They’re dressed like the walmart garanimals kid collection.” – SC
“An upswept chignon. God said NO.” – MM
“If he think too hard that rubber band GONNA snap and put somebody eye out!” – KSH
My girl Tarana Burke of SheSlays.com went in so hard I had to send her to bed.
‘He looks like he steals now or laters from the corner store. He looks like the girl nobody wants to turn during double dutch “cuz she double handed!” He looks like he has vaseline in an old altoids can in his purse. Whoever did his hair had to yell to the back… “Brang me the brown gel and the hard brush!!” He looks like he got warrants for vagrancy floating around. That’s his “court date” hair. Devante looks like the girl who followed Mr. Clark in Lean on Me. “Mr. Clark I’m keeping my baby! I’m gon’ be somebody!!”‘
Have you ever snorted and coughed at the same time? Because *I* did when I read this. WHEW! I’m so done. Like Devante’s struggle puff is trying to be.
Update: I had to come back to add some of the comments from my FB fan page. Because: REAL. GAHTDAMB. TEARS.
“The Bible says God knows the number of hairs on our head, but we can all count the number of hairs in Devante’s little gearshift knob.” – EZ
“Dear Heavenly Father, please place your hair growing hands upon this man head. He had a ponyknob. It look like that first pony you have when you Big Chop. He has a struggle bun. He look like a toddler that look grown in the face. We will never move forward as a nation as long as Devante is wearing this ponyknob. Lord, please convince Devante that he is 345 years old and he should leave the 27 piece ponyknob in the firey furnace of hell. In Baby Jesus whole name, first, middle, and last…….say it with me people…….AMEN!!!!” – KD
Bury me a G. I’m done.