Today, Solange Knowles got married to her longtime LAVAH Alan Ferguson in New Orleans and pictures dropped and everyone has lost their minds. Why? BECAUSE SO MUCH FIERCENESS!
Looking like the angels in the thug mansion that Tupac was talmbout. I’m so here for this picture. *I* wanna get Solange’s wedding photo with her girls and put it on my wall. Just because the pic is so damb magnificent. WERK, FIERCE ANGELS. And Tina. BIIIISSSHHH listen. Coming out the house looking like a tall drink of good almond milk. SLAY, Mama Knowles! Sixty years old and FINER than frog hair.
Meanwhile, Matthew Knowles was nowhere to be found. He gotta sort out a couple of cases of his sperm landing on the uterus of two people who ain’t named Tina. All his dirt was gonna sully all the white clothes and dry cleaning bills are TOO DAMB HIGH. So yeah, he’s busy.
I bet somewhere, Kanye West is PISSED that he spent 4 days editing HIS wedding photo for Instagram and it didn’t #breaktheinternet. Yes, they got hella likes but people didn’t fall all over themselves. That picture is not memorable. Oh Kanye. He tries so hard. I bet he didn’t even get invited to this. When he asked Jay what he’s up to today, Mr Carter was like “Nothing. Just going to brunch.” He was all “Jay, wanna go to this new restaurant on Sunday Nov 16?” and Jay-Z was like “Me and Bey got this event. Next weekend, doe?” Now Kanye’s like “Oh. So that’s why Jay hasn’t replied to my WhatsApp message all day. I know he got it. There’s a double checkmark here.” >__> You know he is somewhere mad as hell.
By the way, the one smiling person in the main pic is Janelle Monae but people DO NOT recognize her when she isn’t in a tux. Now I understand why folks couldn’t figure out Superman was Clark Kent. You put Janelle Monae in a dress and fluff her fro out and people be like “who’s that?” She probably be at Target EVERYDAY and we can’t tell.
All I know is that I can’t wait to see the first person who tries to replicate the Solange Girls pic for their wedding. It’s gon be a Pinterest fail. If your friend sees this pic and thinks it’s a good idea for her special day, tell her to sit down for a second because the dragging she might face on these interwebs might be too much. It ain’t worth it.
But yall know what these #SolangeWedding pics mean, right? The number of all-white parties happening next summer will be triple the usual. Lemme get my all-white linen #alphets together NOW! I’ll be over here awaiting the invites to yall’s shindigs for Summer 2015. Especially in Chicago. Our country asses love us a good Ghost Party so you know it’s going down (basement) come June. And yes, Chicagoans are country. Blame the Alabama and Mississippi transplants. I love my city, doe. ALL WHITE STEPPER’S SET GAME PROPER!!!
The price of white fabric is bout to go up just from these Solange pics. I’ve been looking for a double-breasted white wool coat too so this surge pricing ain’t gon do me well. EVERY SINGLE PICTURE from this wedding is killing me softly. Even what she wore before the ceremony SLAYED.
I also know that people are about to use these pics in all types of ways they’re not supposed to. The promoter who uses the Solange wedding pics for their all-white “Grown and sexy” club party flyer is a raggelly and classless wonder. It’s gonna happen, too. Some bamma is already planning an all-white Friday turn up and his graphic designer (who uses MS Paint) is putting together the collateral AS WE SPEAK, where he will use 7 fonts and 15 colors to tell people to come before 11pm for free entry and the only drink specials are for E&J. NO MA’AM.
Whew. Either way, shoutout to Solange for breaking the internet, winning hearts and doing it all on her own terms on her wedding day.
Also: if you didn’t think Solange is a style icon before, you were wrong. She has won. Solange has won all of weddinging.
P.S. I don’t even mind too much that Beyonce showed up dressed like Mariah Carey in that spaghetti strap dress with lucite heels.