Last night was the airing of the 2014 Soul Train Awards, which taped last month. How did we know? Because pictures got out and we all saw Devante from Jodeci rocking a meatball on his head. I don’t know how I’m supposed to have peace when he’s walking around like that. But y’all know I already roasted him at length. Read that, if you missed it.
Moving on, here’s 12 thoughts I had during the Soul Train Awards.
1. Wendy Williams was SNATCHED TO THE POWER OF ZEUS! Those boobs were sitting so high that I’m sure her chin grazed them. Her waist was cinched to within an inch of her life and she probably had to breathe all shallow for the entire taping. Whew. The price of drag beauty. Werk, Wendy.
2. Trey Songz was wearing a jacket with a giant collar and looked so ridiculous in it. Gordon Gartrelle was somewhere like “they remixed my design and didn’t give me no props.” I know, sir. Disrespectful.
3. The Soul Train Awards had to so much ad placement that I started keeping count and then I lost count and quit. Individual awards and performances throughout the show were sponsored by specific brands. The performance of Norwegian duo Nico and Vinz was sponsored by Twix, because both of them are chocolate and caramel. CHILE… O__O Someone really thought that was going to be a hella clever association too. And then there was a Twix screen behind them as they 2-stepped on stage. Oh and MetroPCS was a sponsor too.
And then there were so many commercial breaks that Dora the Explorer’s question pause seems downright quick. The show was 2.5 hours long and it felt like 1.5 of those hours were ads. We gon have to KickStarter funds for them next year.
4. Kem performed and first I was going to go watch paint dry. Bu I stuck around and I figured out an occasion that his music is perfect for. Kem’s music is great for a long roadtrip where you can think through on life’s decisions without distractions. You know that music that will almost put you in a trance so you can focus but you’re still aware of your surroundings? All this time, I was having time meditating. All I had to do was Spotify a Kem album and I coulda found Nirvana. None of y’all told me. I coulda been enlightened if only I had just listened to him and his drone music.
5. Beyonce won an award that Michelle Williams and Boris Kodjoe presented. Bey didn’t even record an acceptance speech or act like she gave a damb. She was like “I had to clean my tub today. I couldn’t make it.” Which makes sense because at certain portions of the night, Bill Bellamy was the most famous person on stage. And well… yeah.
6. Sheryl Underwood presented the commercial break at one point, and she hollered into the microphone for the entire minute she was speaking. Why didn’t nobody tell her that she ain’t gotta yell? Who was supposed to tell her that she didn’t have to do the microphone’s job? Lawdt. There was NO inside voice to be found.
7. Jodeci’s performance had the 90s girl in me squealing but they were breathing all hard, even though they were lip syching. They couldn’t get their steps together too, looking like half of them were changing their mind mid-step to do something else. My standards have been lowered so much that I was still swaying side to side. Again? THIS GAHTDAMB QTIP ON DEVANTE’S HEAD!!! How am I supposed to know peace?!?
When they did “Forever My Lady” I got my life, doe. Even if I kept singing FOREVER SHENENEH! Martin has ruined that song for me. iSweafoLAWD. I couldn’t even help it.
8. The Winan brothers showed up to SANG during the “In Memoriam” section and they, of course, killed it.
I didn’t know who anybody was. I don’t… do I just not listen to Spotify enough? Why don’t I know anybody? Bebe Winans had on a gold blazer and looked like a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and I was so here for it. I wanna be Young, Fly and Flashy too. LOVE IT.
9. Doug E. Fresh showed up (like he does at many award shows) to perform a tribute to Kool and the Gang and I shoulda been hyped but at that point, it was 2 hours into the show and I was ready to slide off my couch from boredom. You know when you wanna pick up a toddler and they go limp? That was me. But guess who joined Doug E.? Mase! And he was rocking royal blue leather culottes. Bless that damb mess.
10. Kool and the Gang accepted their award and I love old people because they take their time at the mic. It ain’t because they forget what they’re gonna say. They’re just not in a rush for anything and ain’t nobody gon check em! I wish you WOULD tell an old person to hurry up with their story/comment. They’d cuss you, your ancestors and your progeny OUT.
11. The highlight of the night was the performance of “Ladies Night” with Lil Kim, Missy and Da Brat (Tat Tat). Kim looking like Mulan won’t ever sit right in my spirit but I enjoyed her part. Missy came through in a #sequence jacket. And Brat is forever trill and I love her.
12. I am getting old because I knew maybe 10% of the folks at the Soul Train Awards. I just kept saying WHO?? It’s not my fault. You know I still got mostly 90s R&B on my iPod and I’m perfectly fine with that.
Oh and Chris Brown won some awards and apparently did a tribute to himself. I missed that part.
By the end of the show, I was so bored that I just wanted to slide off my chair.
But yes, did y’all watch? Share your thoughts.