The 2015 Golden Globes was aight, entertainment-wise. At this point, my barometer on how entertaining a show was has been lowered considerably. On a scale of 1 to Listen to Tom Cruise talk about religion, it was at level “At least I didn’t wanna slide out my chair halfway through.” Let’s talk about it.
* The men of Hollywood won the night in fashion. None of the women showed up and slayed, in my opinion. Meanwhile, the men learned that with a beard, even Jake Gyllenhall can look sexy. Beards are magical. Grow them, fellas. Thank me later. Well, everyone got the note but Benedict Cumberbatch. I don’t get sexy from him like y’all do. I get shifty, like he can’t be trusted. To his credit, he looks like a white dude who uses lotion in the winter. Applaud.
Even though he was beardless, David Oyelowo was looking like a fine piece of chocolate, all smooth and yummy. Honestly, I was really watching just to objectify my favorite celebs.
* The women didn’t slay like usual. Let’s talk about the ladies’ alphets, doe. Kate Hudson (and her banging body) was in a tight white Versace gown with many cutouts and it gave me Instagram boutique realness and I was sad. Because the dress went the way of cheap when it didn’t have to. Salma Hayek was wearing what looked like a wedding gown (strapless, ball gown) in a light silver. So it was like she was getting married for the 5th time and didn’t feel right wearing white or ivory. So gray!
Felicity Jones did rock a super pretty green Christian Dior dress but her hair wasn’t doing much for me so I couldn’t give the entire look a thumbs up. Same with Jennifer Lopez. She was in a banging dress but her hair was all gelled down in the front and big in the back. NAWL. WRONG. Kiera Nightley’s dress woulda been really chic and adorable if this were 1870.
Even my cousin AdeKerry Washington and my boo Lupita Nyong’o didn’t BRING IT like they usually do. I felt like Kerry’s face and hair was BOMB (no one does understated elegance like Mrs. Asomugha) but the length of her dress was awkward. Lupita’s dress was cute but her afro helmet wasn’t hitting on much. But she’s Goddess Nyong’o so that too shall pass.
* Amy Poehler and Tina Fey should host everything. This is my annual observation. They’ve hosted the Golden Globes for the last 3 years and they’re really the main draw. Award shows are notoriously boring but with these two at the helm, they’re a bit more tolerable.
Amy and Tina’s monologues are always on point and this year, they pushed it to the edge. My favorite zingers?
“The movie #SELMA is about the American Civil Rights Movement that totally worked and now everything’s fine.”
“George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person U.N. commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”
And then they went IN on Bill Cosby and the rape allegations. You can tell that the people in the room didn’t know if they should laugh. Mind you, Amy and Tina have done Bill Cosby rape jokes back when they did “weekend Update” together. To them, this wasn’t new territory.
“Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.”
WHEW. They definitely took it there.
* The North Korea bit should have been left behind. Part of the joke in Amy and Tina’s monologue was “Tonight we celebrate all the great television shows we know and love as well as all of the movies that North Korea was OK with.” It got chuckles. Then throughout the show, they did different skits with Margaret Cho who played a North Korean rep who was there to monitor affairs.
Margaret had on powder that was 2 shades lighter than she was and spoke with an exaggerated accent. I can’t imagine how it came across to Asians but it made ME wince. I wish they would have just left the bit at the monologue line.
* Gina Rodriguez’s speech was my 2nd favorite. For her role in the show Jane the Virgin, Gina Rodriguez won a Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. Even though I’ve never seen her show, the moment they called her name, I cheered, because I’m here for anytime a Black or Brown person wins an award in the sea of white.
“This award is so much more than myself. It represents a culture that wants to see themselves as heroes. My father used to tell me to say every morning: ‘Today is going to be a great day. I can and I will.’ Well, Dad. Today is a great day. I can and I did.”
I appreciated the real emotion, instead of the Taylor Swift surprise face. Shoutout to her.
* Prince showed up and that alone was magic. He strutted onstage looking the the legendary giver of no dambs that he is, with a cane and a fluffy afro. Prince be looking like Lisa Bonet and then he speaks and James Earl Jones comes out. It’s so perplexing. His cool ass only goes to award shows where he’s being honored and he can wear a shirt with his own pic on it so for him to grace folks with his presence. It was for something special.
Everyone knew it too because people freaked the hell out, and Allison Janney could not keep her cool. HA!
* Common dropped a WORD and gave my favorite speech. John Legend and Common won the “Best Original Song” Golden Globe for Glory, their song for the brilliant movie SELMA. Brother Lonnie from Chicago got on that stage and made it really count.
“The first day I stepped on the set of SELMA, I began to feel like this was bigger than a movie. As I got to know the people of the Civil Rights movement, I realized I am the hopeful black woman who was denied her right to vote. I am the caring white supporter, killed on the front lines of freedom. I am the unarmed kid who maybe needed a hand, but instead was given a bullet. I am the two fallen police officers murdered in the line of duty. ‘Selma’ has awakened my humanity.”
Ugh. Have my babies, Common. Keep talking like that and I’ma just have to propose to you and buy you a short set with a matching bucket hat. Hey boo.
* We are all one because of Patricia Arquette’s Struggle Ponytail. Patricia Arquette won an award (that I’m too lazy to even look up) and she gave a cute speech (that I’m too lazy to quite). And then she turned around and we all saw her stingy ponytail and I hollered. White people be rocking Struggle puffs too? See, yall?
Sinners got souls too. WE ARE MORE SIMILAR THAN DIFFERENT!
I’m looking for a picture of it to show yall but it might say “404 Error Not Found.” Just miniscule. Bless it.
WAIT. FOUND IT!
Anyway, other things happened. Kevin Hart refused to speak in an inside voice, George Clooney won his award, and a movie not named SELMA won “Best Picture.”
At this point, it’s tradition for me to side-eye the Golden Globes for their monochromaticness. So here is the annual diatribe on the state of race at this show.
SELMA won one award at the GoldenGlobes and it was for music. Hollywood is nothing if not consistent, and Black culture is only good when it entertains white people and allows for some shucking. And that is bullshit. I’m glad “Glory” won but Ava DuVernay and David Oyelowo should have won also. The movie itself should have won. No, we’re not surprised. Yes, we can create our own show. But we will continue to say “BITCH, YOU TRIED IT.”
And yes, we can create our own award and we DO have our own awards (See: NAACP Image Awards). When there’s a list of “50 Best Writers” and they’re all men so women complain, do people say “hey women. Just shut up and stop looking for the approval of men. Go create your own?” Because every time we point out these awards that purport themselves to be about BEST FILMS AND ACTORS AND MUSIC snub Black people, all I hear is “well stop begging for validation.” Nope. We are not. Because I don’t place the worth of our movies and our stories on how award-worthy they are or how many accolades they get. SELMA is no less brilliant now than it was yesterday.
Automatically saying that we need to just “create their own” is to assume that we aren’t working hard enough to do just that when things like lack of funding and lack of access often prevent.
“I want that candy!”
“WELL GO GET THE CANDY.”
“But it’s on top of the fridge and I need the step stool.”
“Oh. Well I’m using the step stool. BUT GO GET THE CANDY AND STOP COMPLAINING.”
Ava DuVernay won my heart, and that’s totally better than a Golden Globe. Although my heart isn’t pawnable. Whatevs. I was all types of butthurt last night. Then add to the fact that 2,000 people died in Nigeria senselessly at the hands of Boko Haram. No one said “I AM NIGERIA” at the Golden Globes but how many JeSuisCharlie did we hear, though? Yeah ok. We’re excluded in everything! I wrote about this for TheGrio. Check out my piece on “Let’s declare #IamNigeria to honor nation’s 2,000 lives lost to terrorists.“
Anyways, another year and more of the same. Amy and Tina looked over the show themselves. If it wasn’t my job to watch these things, and if my people weren’t on it AT ALL, I’d be able to ignore it better.
Drop your thoughts on the show below.