The Land of Abandoned People Needs Citizens. Here are My Nominations
For years, me and my friends have been relegating people who’ve hurt us, made us angry or are just terrible human beings to an imaginary place called the Land of Abandoned People. There, you are subjected to watching the movie Gigli over and over again. When you tire of that, you will have to listen to Shakira reciting Shakespeare for days at a time.
The only food available will be Papa John’s sammiches with kale and the only condiment they can use is green ketchup. It’s basically hell without the fire and brimstone. And it’s for people we can’t technically throw in jail because although they are complete buffoons, it is their constitutional right to be such. They are legally in their right to say hateful things. But it is also our right to call them complete idiots.
So I’m wondering if we can create a commune on the moon called the Land of Abandoned People and start sending some of our most obnoxious and terrible members of society there. Is Kickstarter busy? What can we do to make it happen? What Change.org petition do we need to create?
I want to nominate certain people to pilot the program and become the first citizens.
* Members of the Tea Party – for being ass backwards, womb-occupying, immature, childish but powerful decision-makers who will create the policy that will send us all to hell in a handbasket. They are the definition of THE WORST and I want them all to go away. Even other Republicans aren’t trying to claim them for leaning so far to the right that they need MJ’s “Smooth Criminal” shoes to stand upright.
Stupid quote: “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has a way of shutting the whole thing down.” – Todd Akin
* Donald Trump – First of all, for assaulting our eyes for years with that squirrel tail he props on his head and calls hair. How can someone be so rich yet lack access to proper weavologists? But in a way, his hair is kinda poetic because this dusty degenerate’s coif is a physical manifestation of his shitty thoughts and politics. Donald Trump is the boil on the ass of the republic because he spews hateful, racist, misogynistic things constantly (through Twitter) and I just don’t wish him nice things. The Donald gotta go away, bro.
Stupid quote: “I have a great relationship with the blacks.” – Donald Trump
This Black begs to differ.
* Don Lemon – There’s something about names that start with “Don” huh? I am convinced that Don Lemon is a walking government conspiracy, brought here to shame Black people and created for the sole purpose of making us want to kick him repeatedly in the back of the knees. He is the high fructose corn syrup of journalism. He’s totally bad for everyone but he’s in everything. Don has been placed into the racial draft but we can’t seem to get anyone to pick up his contract.
Stupid quote: *to a Muslim Human Rights attorney* “Do you support ISIS?” – Don Lemon
* Ann Coulter – This lady makes me wanna kick every trashcan I encounter. Her face should be in the dictionary next to “Terrible.” Ann Coulter is a caricature of herself and the fact that she has a platform to spew her bullshit is why we cannot prosper. She’s the voice of the ignorant yet loud, the stupid yet confident, the daft yet dominant. She’s racist, homophobic, and just a piss poor excuse for a person.
Stupid quote: “My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times building.” – Ann Coulter
* Sarah Palin – Because this woman was thisclose to being our Vice-President. And she’s dumber than a box of toenail clippings. Since that bid didn’t work, she’s been on TV and around the country, out-foolishing herself for the last 5 years. Her and that Bump-It she rocks in her hair.
Stupid quote: “I don’t know if I should Buenos Aires or Bonjour, or… this is such a melting pot. This is so beautiful. I love this diversity. Yeah. There were a whole bunch of guys named Tony in the photo line, I know that.” – Sarah Palin
I welcome them as the first citizens of the Land of Abandoned People! Their LAP passports will be available for pickup immediately.
I think I’ll make this a weekly thing and throw 5 more people into the Land of Abandoned People. Who do you nominate for this new republic? Drop a comment!