Shade, Snubbery and Sam Smith Slayage: My 2015 GRAMMY Awards Recap
What can be said about the GRAMMY Awards that can’t be said about any other out of touch award show? It was long, it was hella white and it snubbed Black and brown people. It’s their tradition and it is mine to complain about it. Consider this that complaint. But I got some questions.
* Did Rihanna’s pink dress steal the show? Yes. Yes, it did. Because there are 100s of memes dedicated to that UGLASS dress she decided to wear.
Speaking of young…
* Why is Ariana Grande’s team so dedicated to this ponytail life for her? They really do not help the case of us not believing that she’s a day over 13 years old. Her stylists gotta do better and make better choices because if they want her fetch to happen, this ain’t the way.
* Did LL Cool J miss soundcheck? He spent the entire show yelling into the mic like his inside voice was busy. Sir, chillax.
* Why did Pharrell win an award and get on stage talmbout “I’m not going to make this awkward.” But sir, you already did by wearing those adidas shorts. And his wife was dressed in an adidas catsuit like she was about to audition for “Cool Runnings 4.” Where are y’all going??
And when he performed, how much were we supposed to tip him because he surely was dressed like a hotel bellhop on Nickelodeon?
* What happened to Kanye West the dope artist? Because he got on stage and performed “Only One” a song dedicated to his mother and he did it with no emotion. It was so empty that it almost echoed. Also, who found him a Juicy Couture velour tracksuit to rock in 2015?
* Why did Annie Lennox get on that stage and SNAPPPP? I know we’re mad at her for her comments (and straight ignorance) on “Strange Fruit” but that bitty forced me to give her props because she sang DOWN. You win this round, Lady Lennox.
* Why did I just realize that The Weeknd is one man? And why was he rocking SpongeBob’s home on his head? Also, did he run out of vowels?
* Do we all really understand that we won’t have a president like Barack Obama again for a long time? A Black man who went on one of the biggest award shows to drop a message about why women cannot and should not be subjected to violence at the hands of their partners. Seriously. You might not be his fan for any reason but that Presidential Feminist moment was special and I am all the way here for it and made me so proud.
* Why do I want a cape dress now that I saw Katy Petty performing in one? I’ma get one and wear it to Target and stand in an aisle and y’all are gon be mad.
* How did Lady Gaga go from wearing meat and having blood drip on her sets to singing shoo dee boop with Tony Bennett? Wonders shall never cease.
* Why was I so geeked to see a Stevie Wonder tribute? Maybe because I’m so salty that they always got HIM doing tributes for other people and they don’t pay #AMISH to him enough.
* How did a performance with Kanye West, Rihanna and Paul McCartney end up boring? I mean seriously. That is a trifecta of dope but either the GRAMMYs had just bored me to tears at that point or they managed to defy the laws of physics and music by adding up all their awesome and coming up subpar. SHEESH. Rihanna sounded the best she ever has, though. And Paul McCartney’s mic was pantomiming terribly. Sir, why you not singing live?
Meanwhile, I kept forgetting that Kanye’s boring ass was onstage because Aliens came and abducted everything that made Kanye interesting. By aliens, I mean Kris Jenner and the Kardashian clan. Just WOMP.
* Why does it pain me so much to admit that Mary J. Blige adds nothing to Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me?” I am a fan but I love the version with just him and when they performed it together live last night, it confirmed it. I did like how they ended it, though. The harmonizing was cute.
* If Prince lacked any more dambs to give, will he need to take a daily supplement called Vitamin Fucks to replenish his supply? Y’all know I think Prince is so ridiculous with his alphet choices sometimes but I have to admit that I absolutely positively love it. Who else can show up to an awards show looking like a baby carrot and get a standing ovation just from his mere presence onstage? Prince. The man will show up dressed like Fanta and everyone will deal. Then, he will announce Album of the Year and shade the ever-living hell out of Beck, who won it over Beyonce.
And won’t nobody be able to tell him shit. Gahtdambit. Prince is my Fairy Shade Father and I just want to be in his presence so some of the eclipse he throws can come my way and I will carry his shady torch for the rest of my days. Amen.
The man is also amazing for “Like books and Black Lives, albums still matter.” You just cannot NOT love him.
* When will be kickstarter and raise some funds to buy Kanye West some behavior? His almost interruption of Beck would have been funny if it was him making fun of his old tantrum. But when the show ended and Kanye went on a rant about how Beck should have given Beyonce the award he won and blah blah blah, I realized that Ye just ain’t all there anymore and I wanted to offer him an arena of seats to occupy.Beck is not the person whose artistry you question. He just is not because he comes with receipts. Nori’s daddy gotta go find some balance, some meds, a good therapist and some joy. This is tired and he’s a jackass.
* Why was I fist pumping because Iggy Azalea won nothing? Probably because I’m petty and I got my priorities straight. I feel like the spirit of Harriet Tubman shut out Igloo Australia from getting her hands on any of those GRAMMY Awards. Not THIS Black History month you will not win.
— 30 Days (@HARAKTE) February 9, 2015
* Who is mad that Sam Smith cleaned UP at the GRAMMYs? Not me. I loved his doggone album and that voice of his is everything. Plus, he basically blocked Iggy’s award blessings so I’m double here for him. His acceptance speech for album of the year was cute too. “Thank you so much for breaking my heart, because I got 4 GRAMMYs.” When my heart got broken, I got ice cream.
* How did the Grammys forget to include Joan Rivers in the “In Memoriam” section when they JUST gave her a Grammy posthumously that day? Who’s mistake was that? And how, Sway??
* Was it the spirit of Mahalia Jackson that side-eyed Beyonce so hard that she gave that MEH performance of “Precious Lord” as New Edition Choir in white behind her sang? It’s probably because it wasn’t right for her to sing it while Ledisi was sitting in the audience.
Bey ain’t got the Church Mother voice needed to SANG that song like it should be sung and even SHE gotta know to stay out of certain lanes. I was underwhelmed.
* Didn’t John Legend sing the pain of our struggles last night? WHEW!!! Homeboy had my spirit stirring with that voice of his. I almost threw my houseshoes at the TV. I LIVE!
Why did this GRAMMYs feels like one giant #TBT telecast? Tom Jones, Tony Bennett and Madonna performed. Enrique Iglesias presented an award. Kanye was in a sweatsuit. Plus: LL Cool J’s ever-present kangol. This GRAMMYs is missing the Valencia filter because this is straight #TBT. Kids born after 2000 are like “So many new artists!” O_O
What would we do without Twitter to entertain us through these marathon award shows??? WHAT, I ASK?!?
Why did my boy @YoungSinick summarize it perfectly?
WELPINGTON. RT @youngsinick: How nice of the Grammys to end on a Black note despite several hours of white washing and snubbing.
— Awesomely Luvvie (@Luvvie) February 9, 2015
But yes. Whatcha’ll think about the GRAMMYs?