It’s Good to Be Kink: Scandal Episode 416 Recap
People love smut and Scandal brought some sexual healing into last night’s episode. Let’s talk about it, Gladiators!
Dustbuster – Abby is flipping OUT at Leo and calling him disgusting. He reminds her “I’ve been between the sheets with you. You’ve taught me some things.” OWWW I see you, Prof Abby. Whatever it is, she is PISSED about and it was nasty. She tells him she’ll fix it and ends up at Olivia’s office. Liv is rocking a black blazer with blue and grey stripes, a pattern I’ve never seen her wear. Her clothes typically reflect her state of mind so this looks like she’s in all sorts of disarray. Bold stripes in blue? Whew.
Abby tells Olivia that Leo’s friend who works in publishing sent him a book proposal from a girl who has slept with DC Big Wigs. She makes Liv look away as she says that the chapter about the “Dustbuster” is about… Leo. Liv’s mouth drops and she says “If the press finds out that he likes what the book says he likes, they will laugh you off the podium.” And that is why Abby is her newest client. The book cannot be published!
Suzanne Thomas – Olivia goes to see Lena Dunham aka Suzanne (Sue), the writer of the the 50 Shades of OOHLALA book at home and she’s a young girl in pigtails, star-struck to see THE Olivia Pope at her door. Liv tells her she needs to shut that book down or risk being destroyed.
As she walks away, she calls Abby and says the girl is some little naïve somebody and it’s been handled. NAH.
Immunity – Huck goes to see David and insists that he gets immunity for testifying about and against B613. Rosen tells him that granting him that might trigger the goons of B613 into knowing about the plan. But Huck ain’t trying to take no for an answer. HE WANTS IMMUNITY! And I’m just wondering when he became so brand new. Sir, they will destroy you! But ok.
Sue’s Ransom – Sue shows up at OPA offices, looking more like an adult (and wearing a bad wig). She realizes that for Olivia to show up at her door, the person who doesn’t want her to publish the book must be powerful and rich as hell, so she’s asking for $3 million book hush money. Liv wants her to re-think since people might call her a whore and she goes IN on Pope for feminist read #1.
“When did you become so weak?… You’re Olivia Pope. In political circles, that’s like saying you’ve been to the moon. You’ve stood on the mountaintop… You and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. That’s it. That’s all we’ve got. The power you wield in this town, Olivia? You used to exude it. It came out of every pore. It gave other women a contact high so I must admit I’m a little disappointed by your behavior towards me… I thought you’d be brave. I thought you’d be adventurous, fearless, sexy, confident. But instead, you’re just a dried up prude who instead of celebrating the fact that I fully own my body and use it however I want, with whomever I want, as many times in as many kinky ways that I want, you’re shaking your finger at me?
You’re telling me to be afraid of what names someone is going to call me because I had the audacity to have too much great sex… What happened to you? Where did your power go? When did you become so afraid of life? I am not ashamed. This is my life, my body, my story to tell, sell. Go ahead and call me a whore. Everyone who writes a memoir is a whore.”
WELL SHIT. Sue can’t just come into the House that Olivia Built and read her like that. But she did. Liv gotta pick her face up.
Running – In the Oval Office, President Ghost tells Abby and Cyrus to make his bill happen. He wants cops to be required to wear body cameras. Chile, we learned that won’t work either. See: Eric Garner. Mellie comes in and says she’s running for Senator of Virginia and Cyrus rolls his eyes so hard he needed Visine. She says she wants Leo to be her campaign manager but Abby tells her he’s busy.
Sue’s Book – The Gladiators are digging into who Sue is. She’s 26, Swarthmore graduate, Chemistry degree. She was fired from the EPA last month for insubordination. She’s active on social media, especially on a site called Land-O-Kink. Liv’s plan is to find out who the 17 men in her book are, and to get them to put their money together for the $3 million. They need to read the book but no traces of it turn up when they hack Sue’s computer cuz her smart ass used a typewriter.
Huck and Quinn create a fake profile on Land-O-Kink so they can get Sue out the house and on a date. Her gentleman for the evening? Charlie. As Quinn keeps lookout, Sue and Charlie get along swimmingly while Huck searches her apartment for the book. He finds it in a trunk of all her sex toys and props and scans it. What Sue considers Charlie’s role play is actually his truth. He tells her he’s a spy and when she asks how he’d torture her, he gets too real and starts talmbout how he’d use a nail gun and find a soft bone in her feet and nail her to the floor. TOO. REAL. She bounces and Huck has to haul ass out of her apartment quicker than he expected. But he got the book copied!
Surveillance Snitch – Jake is sitting in the Oval Office telling Fitz about how Liv is doing. She is physically ok but she’s an emotional wreck who still carries her gun around and survives on a diet of popcorn and wine. Bless.
The Book – The Gladiators are getting their lives reading Sue’s book. Quinn is all hot and bothered and slumped over the desk.
Now, they must figure out who the men behind the nicknames are. SLAPJACK. AGENT ORANGE. BUTTERFINGER. RAWHIDE. MOTORHEAD. JOYSTICK. THRUSTER. DUST BUCKET. THE GULCH. CARPETBAGGER. SIT AND SPIN. ROUGH RIDER. SPANKY. BUNSEN BURNER. THE DOCTOR.
Who’s the Doctor? DAVID ROSEN. Abby surely knows how to pick them. She got TWO men in the book? LAWDHAMERCY. Olivia goes to see him and he said it was around he time he was a substitute teacher living on his Granny’s couch. “I was dead inside. I needed to feel.” LMAO! Poor Lemony Snicket.
Paying Debts – Lizzie North is at a playground watching her daughter when Cyrus rolls up and tells her he needs to get some votes for Fitz’s bill. She says she is no longer working for any of them and he reminds her that her failed treasonous ways means she’s gonna always be his bitch. Damb.
At OPA, they’ve summoned the DC smut loving heavyhitters who are the men in Sue’s book. Liv says they each need to come up with $175K to pay Sue and Leo is all in. Some of them protest but it’s clear they will do it if they need to. David speaks up and tells them that this is illegal and they better not do it. SIR, you and your white hat gon get thrown in the river.
Huck follows David, hems him up and demands his immunity and Rosen says he might not even be Attorney General much longer because once the book drops, it’s a wrap. When the angry Gladiator makes it back to the office, Quinn confronts him and tells him if he keeps pursuing B613, he’ll get Liv in trouble. Huck says this is about HIM, not Liv. He wants to go “home” with his wife and son.
Resignation Letter – Leo points out that since Abby got TWO boos in the book, he knows she taught David some tricks too. SHARRAP, LEO! She’s writing her resignation letter because of the book and he cannot figure out why she would do that when HE will be the one destroyed. She reminds him that because their relationship is not a secret, he is a footnote in everything she does and she gives feminist read #2!
“Leo, what happens to you happens to me… There are articles about how well I do at my job but they also write about ME. If I wear lipstick, I’m dolled up. If I don’t, I’ve let myself go. They don’t like it if I repeat outfits even though I’m on a government salary. They discuss my hair color. There are anonymous blogs that say I’m too skinny. They also write about you.
Every article that comes out about me has your name somewhere in it. Because apparently, there’s this rule in order to mention my name they also have to report to the world that there’s a man who wants me. My work, my accomplishments, my awards. I stand on the most powerful podium in the world but a story about me ain’t a story unless they can report on the fact that I am the girlfriend of DC fixer Leo Bergen. Like it validates me. It gives me an identity. They can’t fathom the concept that my life doesn’t revolve around you… Tell me. When they write articles about you, Leo, how often do they mention me? Do they talk about your clothes? Write about your thighs? There IS a difference. So what happens to you happens to me.”
YOU BETTER COME ON WITH THE FEMINIST SPEECH, ABBY WHELAN! YES MA’AM! Let him know it ain’t fair outchea for us women folk.
The next day, Abby hands Cyrus her resignation letter and tells him to hold on to it until the book drops and she’ll have to step down. He is completely unbothered, reminding her that she’s the 5th press secretary of the current administration. At least she isn’t leaving because she got killed.
Leather Livvie – Olivia puts on a leather #alphet, red lipstick and a smokie eye and heads to a bar. HEY NOW. Our girl is on the prowl and she quickly catches the eye of a handsome fellow who heads over and chats her up. He says his name is Russell and she says hers is Alex.
Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” is playing as Liv cuts to the chase with “Why don’t we finish our drinks, NOT get to know each other and go back to my apartment?” WELL DEN, ALEX! But first, she’s goes to the bathroom to freshen up.
Olivia walks to the bathroom and looking in the mirror takes her back to the bathroom she was in when she got kidnapped and was Ian’s cellmate. She freaks out a little and runs out the bar from the back. She can’t get no Sexual Healing until she heals her mind from the trauma of that kidnapping. Poor baby.
What Sue Wants – On Quinn’s behest, the Gladiators found out what really made Sue write the book. She wants revenge against her ex-boss, Jim Sanders, who almost raped her when she turned him down for sex. He heard she was a freak in the sheets and assumed that meant she’s freak anything that walks, including him. When she went to Human Resources to report him, SHE ended up getting fired AND blackballed.
It’s a sad tale as old as time and it ain’t even right. Liv promises to help her bring him down so Sue gives her story on record, so they can file a suit against Jim. He will lose his job and be ruined. Sue has an interview for a new job AND she gets her column with the Washington Post. Sue is ecstatic and thanks her. All is well but that’s too neat.
Bad Samaritan – Olivia meets Cyrus, who is carrying a large briefcase. He tells her there’s $3 million in it. He doesn’t want to lose Abby in the White House because she’s one of the few useful people in the place. Liv says she doesn’t need it because the book has already been handled. Cy asks for the book anyway and it’s really because he wants all the dirt he can get on the men of DC. You know he can’t just do anything from the goodness of his heart.
Campaign Manager – Lizzie shows up in Mellie’s office with a huge document on things she’d do to help her become a Senator. She’s tired of being Cyrus’ bitch and wants some power and an ally. Lizzie tells her she knows she wants to run for POTUS eventually and she will need her scheming powers to overcome the hurdles. “Think of what I’ve already done for you. The lengths I’ve gone. The bodies I’ve left in my wake. I am exactly the type of person you want in your corner.” She’s right. Can they also have Bitsy mentor them?
Sue’s SOS – Huckleberry Quinn go to see Sue in her apartment and they hear her scream for help. When they enter, one of the men in her book (DOUBLE STUFF) is holding a knife to her. They tell him to drop the knife and he does. Huck kicks homeboy out and tells him to act like this shit ain’t happen. As Quinn wonders why he let him go, Huck picks up the knife on the floor and slashes Sue’s neck.
AW SHITTTT!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?! He says he couldn’t risk her talking and losing his chance to be with his family.
Huck. has. lost. it. All this because of some “home” he ain’t even gonna get? Liv, your puppy needs to be tamed.
At the OPA office, Liv is telling Quinn to find out what detectives are on the case of Sue’s murder. Quinn slides her an envelope with the book in it and says she has every copy of the book. Olivia asks if she knows who did it and she refuses to tell her. “Sue is not your client. Abby is. Abby is family… Just know that justice for Sue comes at a cost to Abby. At a cost to your family.”
Freedom – Huck is in David’s office and Rosen brings him papers to sign to get immunity. As he goes through the pages, Lemony laments about how he feels responsible in some way for Sue’s death. He heard about her murder and he feels like he played some part in it. He doesn’t even know the half. Huck finishes signing and says “I’m going home.” At what cost, sir? And for how long?
Sexual Healing – Abby and Leo are in their bedroom and Red is talmbout Sue being killed. She read the book, though, and thought it was hot (especially chapter 5). He wants to know what happened in that chapter and these pervs start going at it, talmbout “what would Sue be doing?” THEY SO NASSY! HA!
Alex (Liv) is back at the bar and Russell approaches her again. This time, her body’s ready and they go back to her place to play tongue and peen hockey. Meanwhile, Jake is in the Oval Office, Pride-deficient, telling Fitz that Olivia is fine. There are no threats around her and there’s nothing new to report (lies).
Olivia tells Dr. Feelgood to get into her room and get nekkid. She takes 2 glasses and a wine bottle with her into the bedroom as he closes the door.
YESSSSSSSSSS!!!! GET IT MA’AM!!!
Chile, listen. I gotta say that Liv just be slipping on her pimping. Olivia you don’t even know that man with the six-pack. You just got kidnapped from your house like 2 days ago. THAT is probably not where you should bring a stranger. Rent a hotel room and get your kinky life satisfied. Has she learned nothing? I mean, get your toes curled. I ain’t mad at that but don’t do it in the apartment that’s already listed on Craigslist with directions on how to get in. Liv don’t listen to me at all.
We all know she ain’t gon be healed from the romp. I guess in lieu of some actual therapy, she’s going for Vitamin Peen. I hope it’s bomb too.
Now, about this book. If they have every copy of the book, didn’t the proposal for the book still go to all these publishers? Won’t one of them say “it’s kinda weird she gave us this damning proposal and then ended up dead?” This does not clean the slate. This book could be the new Defiant for them.
Meanwhile, the beast in Huck has been let out. He ain’t been right ever since he killed them goons and had Jake spooked. He said Liv keeps the beast at bay but clearly not anymore. Partially because Liv is still not in the right frame of mind herself.
Look at Liv’s clothing choices. They’re full of patterns and textures that seem to speak to the fact that her mind is cluttered and she’s not herself. She hasn’t been in ANYTHING light who knows how long? Damb.
Also, color me traumatized because now I know what a dustbuster is. My innocence is gone. And I cannot unsee the mental image. DAMBIT ALL.