TV

High Sparrow: Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 3 Recap

The episode starts us in a dark and gloomy dungeon that makes me just want to turn on a lamp in my house. Game of Thrones surely knows how to set the mood of doom. It is inside the House of Black and White, and the only thing white in about it is nothing. Well, the door. Let’s talk about it!

Game_of_thrones

Braavos

Valar Morghulis school has started for Arya, and she watches the Faceless Man tend to some old dude, as she sweeps the floor. She tells him “I didn’t come here to sweep floors.” She also doesn’t do windows. She is told Valar Dohaeris. “All men must serve.” I also think it means she missed a spot in the corner.

Later on, some girl just rolls into Arya’s tiny room and asks her who she is. Little Stark isn’t giving her what she wants so she starts pummeling her. Then J’qar shows up to save the day and Arya wants to know when she will start learning to be “No One.” He points out that she can’t become no one until she stops wearing Arya’s clothes and owning Arya’s things. So she goes to the water and throws out everything she owns. She gets to her beloved sword (remember Jon gave it to her) and starts crying.

Arya cry 1 Arya Cry 2

This is the one thing she cannot seem to part with so she buries the sword in the rocks by the river. Does she expect Jaqer not to know? That dude knows everything.

King’s Landing

The day has come for Margaery and Tommen to get married and before they say “I Do” the people of King’s Landing are already calling her Queen. Cersei’s stank eye is working overtime but no one curr. As soon as the couple promises each other an eternity (or until Tommen dies or something), they’re in the sack. Afterwards in the afterglow, no-longer-a-virgin Baby Lannister asks his bride whether he hurt her. LMAOOOOO!!! Young sir, don’t flatter yourself. He is adorable, even offering her post-coital cake and pomegranate juice too. Aawww. *pats his head*

Immediately, Lady Tyrell start planting ideas in her groom’s head, about how he’s such a mama’s boy. She also slides in there with questions on whether Cersei really likes living in King’s Landing. It worked too (of course) because the next day, Tommen asks his mom if she missed Casterly Rock. Love and Hip Hop Westeros is on and popping now. Cersei goes to see Margaery, who is gossiping with her girls about how her husband is sex-crazed. Tyrell is so full of shade, telling her Mother-in-Law that her son is half lion, half stag and she might be a granny soon if he keeps it up. She REALLY becomes Petty LaBelle when she asks Cersei if she is now called Queen Mother or Dowager Queen.

Margaery Shade 1 Margaery Shade 2

This was beyond shade. It was a blackout. The former Queen leaves, looking like if she clenches her jaw any harder, she might break it.

Later, the Small Council is interrupted by the High Septon, who is supposed to be a holy roller. He’s all butthurt because the Scientologists Sparrows busted him in the brothel and shamed him publicly. He wants Cersei to punish them so she goes to see the High Sparrow. And instead of punishing him, she is clearly trying to team up since she’s lost power somewhere. She must figure that he’ll be useful later. Since the episode is named “High Sparrow” this will probably be an important alliance.

Winterfell

Those dustbucket Boltons have gotten comfortable in Winterfell, conquered after Robb Stark died (still bitter about the Red Wedding). Crazy ass Roose wants insane ass Ramsay to marry a powerful woman to create an alliance that will make the North truly theirs. This woman? Sansa Stark, who is staring at her old home from a hill when Littlefinger breaks it to her. She is appalled and says she will not marry any Bolton. Lord Baelish convinces her that this might be a move that will get revenge.

Baelish Sansa 1 Baelish Sansa 2

“Stop being a bystander. Stop running. There’s no justice in the world. Not unless we make it.” Hmmm… I do not trust his ass AT ALL.

Brienne and Podrick are watching from another hill and they will follow them unseen by going the long way around to get to Winterfell. The two start talking and we learn that Tywin Lannister saved Podrick from being hanged and sent him to squire for Tyrion in King’s Landing. It was supposed to be dual punishment. We also get to peel some layers back on Brienne of Tarth the Trill.

When she was younger, her father had a dance for her, and invited boys, who were all fighting to dance with her. Then they started laughing, because it was all a rouse, and she realized that she was not beautiful. BUT YOU ARE, BRI-BRI! Renly Baratheon was there and he told her not to let them see her cry. “They’re nasty little shits. And nasty little shits aren’t worth crying over.”

Brienne 1 Brienne 2

And he danced with her. From that day on, she loved him (as a friend. Renly loved peen). But this is why she was so crushed when he died. “Nothing is more hateful than failing to protect the one you love.” This is also why she vows to avenge his death. She cannot kill the shadow that did it, but she can kill Stannis Baratheon, whose face was on that shadow. Also, she’s gonna train Podrick to fight. I want a cheesy montage to happen from this. 80s style.

Baelish an’ ‘em arrive in Winterfell and when Sansa stands in front of Roose, she looks him dead in the eye first, before curtsying. I think that’s her way of being like “Never Forget, Bitch” and I love it. Also, her dark hair really makes her way more “about that life.” This whole time, Theon (aka Reek) is watching from afar. I wonder if he’ll end up helping her. Remember he loved the Starks before he betrayed them like the treasonous summagoat that he is.

When Sansa is showed to her room, the helper tells her: “Welcome home, Lady Stark. The North remembers.” Yes.

welcome 1 welcome 2

Meanwhile, Littlefinger shows a soft spot for Sansa, and Ramsay promises that he won’t hurt her. I don’t trust any of the Boltons more than I can pick up Arnold Schwartzenegger.

Castle Black (The Wall)

On the Wall, Stannis Baratheon goes to see the new Lord Commander Snow to ask one more time if he will fight for him. Our bae with curls says no. His steward, little boy Olly, is now sitting in on all his meetings. I love it. Train em up. Stannis tells the bastard of Winterfell “You’re as stubborn as your father. And no less honorable… I didn’t mean it as praise.” WATCH YOUR MOUTH! Jon tells him that him and his men ain’t gotta go home but you gotta get the hell out because they can’t keep feeding them, all the Night’s men AND their prisoners: the Wildlings. Stannis agrees to bounce and when he walks out Jon’s office, his assistant Davos stays. He tells that his vow as a man of the Night’s Watch goes beyond him sitting on the Wall, and maybe he’s more needed in the fight for the North. Interesting… but eh.

In his first meeting with all the men on the Wall, Jon’s job is to give people new ranks and positions. He looks at his predecessor Ser Alliser with this “I could fuck you over royally” glance but he makes him First Ranger, which is basically 2nd in command. Then, Lord Janos, who has always been a haterbish is made Command of Greyguard (which no one wants). Janos clearly got life fucked up because he replies with “You can stick your order up your bastard ass.” AW SHIT. It’s about to go down. Jon asks them to take him outside and for Olly to fetch his sword because this dude must know know who he be. Janos is still tryna show out, not knowing it’s real in the field. But the moment his head is placed on the stomp and Jon draws his sword, he starts begging like a 3 year old when told to go to bed, asking for mercy and sobbing.

Snow Janos 1 Snow Janos 2

Jon listens as the Watchmen are watching. But then, he cuts off Janos’ head and IT IS REAL IN THE FIELD ON THE WALL! Jon ain’t playing. Stannis gives him an approval nod.

On the Run Tour

Varys and Tyrion are still rolling along but the Lannister is so sick of being in that carriage that he insists that they get out. They’re in a place called Volantis, and it’s full of slaves. There’s a witch in the center square and Tyrion and her lock eyes. For some reason, he’s feeling mighty safe because he’s wearing a hood and has a beard but I suspect she might have peeped who he is. Being the hoe that he is, doe, he makes them stop in a brothel.

Tyrion 1 Tyrion 2

What Tyrion lacks in height, he also lacks in chill. Mind you, he ain’t got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but he propositions a girl anyway. He tells her he has no money right now but he used to be rich so he knows he will pay her back one day. She somehow relents and when she takes his hand, he gets performance anxiety and walks away. Varys loses sight of him and goes looking to see where he went.

Anywho, I peeped Jorah, Daenery’s old advisor who she ex-communicated drinking in the brothel. Tyrion is on the balcony sipping on some DRANK when someone walks up. He thinks it’s Varys but it’s Jorah, who snatches him up with a rope and says he’s taking him to the Queen.


Aw hell. Is the Queen Dany (I doubt it) or is it Cersei? What Queen is he loyal to now? Also, why didn’t Tyrion listen to Varys and lay low(er) than he already is? LOOK AT HIS LIFE LOOK AT HIS CHOICES.

They say that there must always be a Stark in Winterfell. Well, Sansa is there now. I expect vengeance. I want the Boltons killed and hung up in the manner of their own sigils. I want Sansa to squad up with the people who are still loyal to her father (there are many). And I want Brienne to come through and help her kill all the ones who are not.

Also, we see Arya cry for the first time in A LONG TIME. Getting rid of her things is her last connection to the old her. And the thought of getting rid of Needle was really what did it. That is her most prized possession and it has certainly saved her more than a couple of times. I ain’t gon lie. Seeing her cry had a G in her feels.

And this week’s gratuitous GIF of Jon Snow the Bae:

Jon Angry

He’s so hot when he’s brooding.

Those of you who’ve read the Game of Thrones books. SHUT YOUR TRAPS ABOUT SPOILERS TO COME IF YOU’RE COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! Also, if you’ve watched the leaked episodes SHUT YOUR TRAP TOO. Don’t make me fight you and block you from ever commenting here again. That is all. JUST DISCUSS THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT! 

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19 Comments

  1. Stephanie
    April 28, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    I absolutely love your recaps!!!!!! Def appreciated 🙂

  2. April 28, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Your recaps are total hilarity and on point. I can never get enough of this show or the books. Both excellent in their own way.

    I felt so anxious about Arya and whether she would actually get rid of needle. And felt such a sense of release when she opted to hid it away instead. Though she is on a path of no return, I should feel away if she didn’t secret away at least a small part of Arya Stark because it was Arya Stark’s experiences that drove her all the way too Braavos to the House of Black and White and I should hate if she ever lost sight of that.

    I cannot believe that Peter wants Sansa to wed that loon Ramsay. This proposition almost made my heart start. The Red Wedding killed me because I loved me some Robb Stark and Grey Wind. So yeah bolton bitch, THE NORTH REMEMBERS, and I can’t wait for the day they come for your ASS! Glad to see Sansa finally starting to understand and play the game.

    And JON FREAKING SNOW!!!! I don’t how much these people have to interact with Jon to understand that he is very much his FATHER’S SON. As Lord Commander though he has a whole new level of responsibility and cannot be as compassionate as he once was. He has to make some tough decisions for the good of everyone. I was here all day for Janos Slynt getting what was coming to him. Dare to embarrass and put down my favorite bastard. He should have known better, damn fool.

    As far as Tyrion. I love him to pieces, but little dude stay getting in trouble behind some cooch. Had he never stopped into that whorehouse, Jorah would never have got him. I just want him to make better decisions regarding his manhood and love life. He had genuine love before. he can have it again and he doesn’t have to seek it out in a brothel. His self worth when it comes to matter of the heart could use a boost.

    Awesome recap! Sorry I ran on, I just love this show.

  3. Blackberry Molasses
    April 28, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    when i saw that littlefinger has promised sansa to the bastard of the dreadfort i was like “he finna rape that girl, or she’s going to kill him on their wedding night. either way, there’s going to be blood.” also, did you peep the way that girl who ramsay was screwing LOUDLY at the dreadfort looked at Sansa? she’s as sadistic as he is…. she was one of the girls who helped torture Theon. things are going to get interesting at winterfell.

    i cheered when janos slynt lost his head. he tried it. he got what was coming to him. and making Ser Allister 1st Ranger was like when Barack made Hillary Secretary of State- get thee away from my ass and my business. the first ranger leads the rangings beyond the wall and serves as master at arms between them. as for trying to send Janos to Greyguard–my guess is Jon needs to start regarrisoning all the abandoned castles along the wall to strengthen their defenses in advance of the white walkers… who are still coming. also, the nights watch, stannis’s army and the wildlings all at castle black? yeah, that’s a crowded party and some people need to move. to other castles.

    i think Jorah is going to take Tyrion to Daenerys. Jorah is still madly in love with her and legitimately wants to see her on the Iron Throne. he is figuring that brining a Lannister, the family partially responsible for the ruin of hers, will show his devotion and she’ll allow him back into her fold. he bears no love for the Lannisters– he’s still of the North and they fucked him over too.

    speaking of Lannisters– Cersei is up to somthing. she surrounds herself with sycophants and the only one she doesn’t have in her pocket is the Faith of the Seven. she could have used the old Septon, but i think he knows all her dirty little secrets (like humping her brother and bearing his 3 kids and passing them off Robert’s) so she needs someone who is in her pocket, but unaware of her deviltry. i think she’s going to turn the High Sparrow against Margerey.

    DID ANYONE ELSE PEEP IN QYBURNS LAB THE TWITCHY ASS SHEET??? that’s the mountain. he’s creating frankenstein’s monster over there.

    • Ashlei
      April 28, 2015 at 4:13 pm

      Ah ha so THAT’S who that girl was! Shooting daggers at Sansa like that. I’m so curious to see what’s going to happen now in Winterfell. The Stark bloodline is strong and let’s not forget the time she’s spent with both Cersei and Baelish conniving asses…
      And yes! That most definitely was the Mountain in the lab. Whatever Qyburn is doing to keep his big ass (half) alive cannot be good

  4. Allie
    April 28, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    You got me cackling in my office and my co-workers thinking I’ve lost it. No matter. I’m bout to put them on and introduce them to your blog and they will soon understand. The parts that had me cackling the loudest tho: “This is beyond shade. It was a blackout.”
    “IT IS REAL IN THE FIELD ON THE WALL” & “Jon Snow the Bae”.
    GENIUS!!! (Me & Jon go 2gether…in my dreams! )

  5. Lee
    April 28, 2015 at 4:04 pm

    I was full on shouting at the TV when they dragged the night watch guy out. “Oh you thought this was a game. You thought Jon was playing?”

    When his head went bye bye me and husband both jumped.

    Do we get to see Arya smack that bitch back? Cause I’m waiting on that. Plus her mentor is hot.

  6. CMC
    April 28, 2015 at 4:09 pm

    Yes! I am so glad you are continuing to do these recaps. They are too funny! I am a fan of the show and the books which are quickly becoming two very separate entities. I have no idea what is coming next as the story keeps changing. I will sit back and enjoy the ride!

    Queen Margorey wins the shade award for all of the shade thrown at her new mommy in law (again). I almost felt sorry for Cersei…almost (-_-)

    Lord Commander Jon Snow is not to be fooled with. They gon learn today!

    Looking forward to the next episode and recap!

  7. Summer
    April 28, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    If Brienne somehow dies this season my screams & anguish will be to fucking real. She is one of the trillest ones & i live for her. But as always you know what happens when you get close to characters on this damn show R.I.P. Drogo I need Dany to get Tyrion & for Jon to realize him, Tyrion, & Dany are blood some kinda way & rule the fuck out of Westeros. Thank you all for the vent.

  8. Kim
    April 28, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    Where are these leaked episodes you speak of??

    I am here for GOT. I love love love that George RR Martin and HBO keep us on our toes.

    But seriously, where are these leaked episodes? Lol

    • Carriecnh12
      April 28, 2015 at 6:58 pm

      check out couchtuner.eu they have all the shows and they are in great quality

  9. B
    April 28, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    Summer, really bruh? You kinda let out a tiny spoil.

    • France's
      April 28, 2015 at 7:43 pm

      I’m saying tho?! In nothing sacred ?!

    • Summer
      April 28, 2015 at 10:09 pm

      Bruh, these are all just things I want to happen. I have no clue how this is all going to play out bc I’ve never read the books. I thought ( I guess other ppl to do bc its a running theory online) it’d be epic if all three were related someway & rule. If I spoiled anything that was never my intention AT ALL.

  10. Shilohsmama
    April 28, 2015 at 5:54 pm

    There are many, many theories out there about how this will play out, but there is one I do believe – – Jon Snow is the One True King. He is NOT the son of Ned Stark, but of Ned’s Sister, the one revered and buried in the catacombs of Winterfell. Ned brought Jon from the Targerians, as his real father is the Mad King. That makes Danerys his half sister.

    Y’all think on that.

  11. April 29, 2015 at 8:52 am

    Queen Margery came out the gate (or rather, out the panties) putting ideas in her new husband’s head and I am not mad. The only way women could rule is by using the closest most powerful man as their meat puppets – Mar Mar is doing her job. Cersei needs to respect the up and coming gangsta on the thrown and pour out a little ale for a sista.

    As far as Littlefinger’s plotting ass, Sansa’s first question should been, “Revenge, my ass. What’s in it for you?” Everyone knows he’s only out for self, that poor girl needs to be worried.

    • TeamTargaryen
      April 30, 2015 at 6:54 pm

      LITB, this is me lifting a pint of ale to you. That was it right there.

  12. whilome
    April 29, 2015 at 8:43 pm

    These recaps give me life! I don’t see the series until it comes out on box set. I look at your recaps and it feels like I’m watching it, with MY thoughts being said the whole time.
    You are awesome, Luvvie.

  13. Jay
    April 30, 2015 at 11:08 am

    Cersei is an idiot, thinking she can control religious zealots. She will bring them in and they gonna turn on her, have we learned nothing from Michael Steele. Really Cersei?! She’s an idiot.

    Speaking of idiot Lannisters, I thought Tyrion was supposed to be the smart one? He couldn’t have drawn more attention to himself if he just came out and shouted I AM TYRION LANNISTER! Bragging about his money and how his family always paid their debts. I mean were you trying to get caught? Idiot.

    I wonder if someone is going to warn Sansa about the true nature of the Boltons. They’ve been murdering and terrorizing the North for months it can’t have escaped notice in Winterfell. I’m not sure if Theon is going to be the one to warn her because as far as she and everyone else is concerned he murdered Bran and Rickon.

  14. Char
    May 4, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    “The North Remembers” *ThugLife*