The episode starts us in a dark and gloomy dungeon that makes me just want to turn on a lamp in my house. Game of Thrones surely knows how to set the mood of doom. It is inside the House of Black and White, and the only thing white in about it is nothing. Well, the door. Let’s talk about it!
Valar Morghulis school has started for Arya, and she watches the Faceless Man tend to some old dude, as she sweeps the floor. She tells him “I didn’t come here to sweep floors.” She also doesn’t do windows. She is told Valar Dohaeris. “All men must serve.” I also think it means she missed a spot in the corner.
Later on, some girl just rolls into Arya’s tiny room and asks her who she is. Little Stark isn’t giving her what she wants so she starts pummeling her. Then J’qar shows up to save the day and Arya wants to know when she will start learning to be “No One.” He points out that she can’t become no one until she stops wearing Arya’s clothes and owning Arya’s things. So she goes to the water and throws out everything she owns. She gets to her beloved sword (remember Jon gave it to her) and starts crying.
This is the one thing she cannot seem to part with so she buries the sword in the rocks by the river. Does she expect Jaqer not to know? That dude knows everything.
The day has come for Margaery and Tommen to get married and before they say “I Do” the people of King’s Landing are already calling her Queen. Cersei’s stank eye is working overtime but no one curr. As soon as the couple promises each other an eternity (or until Tommen dies or something), they’re in the sack. Afterwards in the afterglow, no-longer-a-virgin Baby Lannister asks his bride whether he hurt her. LMAOOOOO!!! Young sir, don’t flatter yourself. He is adorable, even offering her post-coital cake and pomegranate juice too. Aawww. *pats his head*
Immediately, Lady Tyrell start planting ideas in her groom’s head, about how he’s such a mama’s boy. She also slides in there with questions on whether Cersei really likes living in King’s Landing. It worked too (of course) because the next day, Tommen asks his mom if she missed Casterly Rock. Love and Hip Hop Westeros is on and popping now. Cersei goes to see Margaery, who is gossiping with her girls about how her husband is sex-crazed. Tyrell is so full of shade, telling her Mother-in-Law that her son is half lion, half stag and she might be a granny soon if he keeps it up. She REALLY becomes Petty LaBelle when she asks Cersei if she is now called Queen Mother or Dowager Queen.
This was beyond shade. It was a blackout. The former Queen leaves, looking like if she clenches her jaw any harder, she might break it.
Later, the Small Council is interrupted by the High Septon, who is supposed to be a holy roller. He’s all butthurt because the Scientologists Sparrows busted him in the brothel and shamed him publicly. He wants Cersei to punish them so she goes to see the High Sparrow. And instead of punishing him, she is clearly trying to team up since she’s lost power somewhere. She must figure that he’ll be useful later. Since the episode is named “High Sparrow” this will probably be an important alliance.
Those dustbucket Boltons have gotten comfortable in Winterfell, conquered after Robb Stark died (still bitter about the Red Wedding). Crazy ass Roose wants insane ass Ramsay to marry a powerful woman to create an alliance that will make the North truly theirs. This woman? Sansa Stark, who is staring at her old home from a hill when Littlefinger breaks it to her. She is appalled and says she will not marry any Bolton. Lord Baelish convinces her that this might be a move that will get revenge.
“Stop being a bystander. Stop running. There’s no justice in the world. Not unless we make it.” Hmmm… I do not trust his ass AT ALL.
Brienne and Podrick are watching from another hill and they will follow them unseen by going the long way around to get to Winterfell. The two start talking and we learn that Tywin Lannister saved Podrick from being hanged and sent him to squire for Tyrion in King’s Landing. It was supposed to be dual punishment. We also get to peel some layers back on Brienne of Tarth the Trill.
When she was younger, her father had a dance for her, and invited boys, who were all fighting to dance with her. Then they started laughing, because it was all a rouse, and she realized that she was not beautiful. BUT YOU ARE, BRI-BRI! Renly Baratheon was there and he told her not to let them see her cry. “They’re nasty little shits. And nasty little shits aren’t worth crying over.”
And he danced with her. From that day on, she loved him (as a friend. Renly loved peen). But this is why she was so crushed when he died. “Nothing is more hateful than failing to protect the one you love.” This is also why she vows to avenge his death. She cannot kill the shadow that did it, but she can kill Stannis Baratheon, whose face was on that shadow. Also, she’s gonna train Podrick to fight. I want a cheesy montage to happen from this. 80s style.
Baelish an’ ‘em arrive in Winterfell and when Sansa stands in front of Roose, she looks him dead in the eye first, before curtsying. I think that’s her way of being like “Never Forget, Bitch” and I love it. Also, her dark hair really makes her way more “about that life.” This whole time, Theon (aka Reek) is watching from afar. I wonder if he’ll end up helping her. Remember he loved the Starks before he betrayed them like the treasonous summagoat that he is.
When Sansa is showed to her room, the helper tells her: “Welcome home, Lady Stark. The North remembers.” Yes.
Meanwhile, Littlefinger shows a soft spot for Sansa, and Ramsay promises that he won’t hurt her. I don’t trust any of the Boltons more than I can pick up Arnold Schwartzenegger.
Castle Black (The Wall)
On the Wall, Stannis Baratheon goes to see the new Lord Commander Snow to ask one more time if he will fight for him. Our bae with curls says no. His steward, little boy Olly, is now sitting in on all his meetings. I love it. Train em up. Stannis tells the bastard of Winterfell “You’re as stubborn as your father. And no less honorable… I didn’t mean it as praise.” WATCH YOUR MOUTH! Jon tells him that him and his men ain’t gotta go home but you gotta get the hell out because they can’t keep feeding them, all the Night’s men AND their prisoners: the Wildlings. Stannis agrees to bounce and when he walks out Jon’s office, his assistant Davos stays. He tells that his vow as a man of the Night’s Watch goes beyond him sitting on the Wall, and maybe he’s more needed in the fight for the North. Interesting… but eh.
In his first meeting with all the men on the Wall, Jon’s job is to give people new ranks and positions. He looks at his predecessor Ser Alliser with this “I could fuck you over royally” glance but he makes him First Ranger, which is basically 2nd in command. Then, Lord Janos, who has always been a haterbish is made Command of Greyguard (which no one wants). Janos clearly got life fucked up because he replies with “You can stick your order up your bastard ass.” AW SHIT. It’s about to go down. Jon asks them to take him outside and for Olly to fetch his sword because this dude must know know who he be. Janos is still tryna show out, not knowing it’s real in the field. But the moment his head is placed on the stomp and Jon draws his sword, he starts begging like a 3 year old when told to go to bed, asking for mercy and sobbing.
Jon listens as the Watchmen are watching. But then, he cuts off Janos’ head and IT IS REAL IN THE FIELD ON THE WALL! Jon ain’t playing. Stannis gives him an approval nod.
On the Run Tour
Varys and Tyrion are still rolling along but the Lannister is so sick of being in that carriage that he insists that they get out. They’re in a place called Volantis, and it’s full of slaves. There’s a witch in the center square and Tyrion and her lock eyes. For some reason, he’s feeling mighty safe because he’s wearing a hood and has a beard but I suspect she might have peeped who he is. Being the hoe that he is, doe, he makes them stop in a brothel.
What Tyrion lacks in height, he also lacks in chill. Mind you, he ain’t got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but he propositions a girl anyway. He tells her he has no money right now but he used to be rich so he knows he will pay her back one day. She somehow relents and when she takes his hand, he gets performance anxiety and walks away. Varys loses sight of him and goes looking to see where he went.
Anywho, I peeped Jorah, Daenery’s old advisor who she ex-communicated drinking in the brothel. Tyrion is on the balcony sipping on some DRANK when someone walks up. He thinks it’s Varys but it’s Jorah, who snatches him up with a rope and says he’s taking him to the Queen.
Aw hell. Is the Queen Dany (I doubt it) or is it Cersei? What Queen is he loyal to now? Also, why didn’t Tyrion listen to Varys and lay low(er) than he already is? LOOK AT HIS LIFE LOOK AT HIS CHOICES.
They say that there must always be a Stark in Winterfell. Well, Sansa is there now. I expect vengeance. I want the Boltons killed and hung up in the manner of their own sigils. I want Sansa to squad up with the people who are still loyal to her father (there are many). And I want Brienne to come through and help her kill all the ones who are not.
Also, we see Arya cry for the first time in A LONG TIME. Getting rid of her things is her last connection to the old her. And the thought of getting rid of Needle was really what did it. That is her most prized possession and it has certainly saved her more than a couple of times. I ain’t gon lie. Seeing her cry had a G in her feels.
And this week’s gratuitous GIF of Jon Snow the Bae:
Those of you who’ve read the Game of Thrones books. SHUT YOUR TRAPS ABOUT SPOILERS TO COME IF YOU’RE COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! Also, if you’ve watched the leaked episodes SHUT YOUR TRAP TOO. Don’t make me fight you and block you from ever commenting here again. That is all. JUST DISCUSS THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT!